Simple Author, Streamer, Gamer, and Youtuber. Follow me at https://twitter.com/Pokeprof and https://www.twitch.tv/thepokeprof
When Sunset Shimmer told Twilight and her friends that she had been erased from their memories, they didn't believe her. While magic was now something the girls were familiar with, removing someone from their memories just was flat out impossible... wasn't it? They all told off the bully and went back to their time together enjoying the beach. Except now, Twilight can't shake that something is seriously wrong.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I may not be a fan of Equestria Girls no more or enjoyed that special, but I’m gonna wait for the next chapters of this story to see if the girls will find Sunset Shimmer and see how they can get their good memories of Sunset back
I LOVE this story so far
I guess you've just published chapter 1 of this story today. I like your plotting and characterization well enough. I see you've picked up early enough in the "Forgotten Friendship" special that you have a lot of opportunity to write your own version and still have the three days needed for the EG girls to save the memories, if you're wanting to stick to the three-day rule. (I guess it's like the five second rule, but not for floor germs.)
If I don't like a story, I don't comment like this. In a few places your English usage is a bit off, so maybe you need a proofreader. (Examples sent in private fimfiction.net mail, with change suggestions.)
Interesting premise. I like Forgetten Friendship stories where the Rainbooms realize that there are many plot holes.
Two things I've noticed with your writing. Like Mokingbird said, you need a proofreader. Allow me.
1. When you have a dialogue that ends with a normal sentence, you don't end it with a period if you intend to follow it with a said tag. Case in point:
This should be:
2. You have what Ezn describes as the "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome". It's where an author feels likes they're overusing a character's names and therefore start to replace the names with descriptions. Case in point:
This would look much better like this:
Consider reading Ezn's writing guide for more info.
Hope this helps. My apologies if this sounded rude.
10247900
Not rude at all, though if the errors that you and Mockingbirb pointed out are the extent of my mistakes, then I feel like I've been doing pretty well overall. Punctuation on some things like what you pointed out has always been a hard part for me and I usually do what feels is right. Not only that but I do have a proof reader but both of us are human and we're going to miss things. Heck, I've seen such mistakes in officially published work and this was something I did more off the cuff than anything.
As for the whole 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome' thing, I both agree and disagree with that. On the one hand, the example you gave? Yeah, I agree, that part is better without that added description of what she looks like. On the other hand, I disagree with the Syndrome being a bad thing and that names should be used above all else. The occasional descriptor of what a character is or looks like helps keep the image of the character in their minds and allows for you to do more than just 'She' or the 'characters name'. I think it especially helps when you've got as many characters to juggle in a story as i had in this one.
All that said I am probably on the 'you're overdoing it' side of the Syndrome, since I'm always trying to avoid using a characters name more than twice in a paragraph, but overall I do think it's better to have those aspects than not.
This is interesting I like it
10247915
The Syndrome isn't bad in itself. It's when certain authors (not you) overdo it, then it becomes distracting. Ezn had en entire section on it in the site's writing guide. He explains it better than I can.
Glad I could be of assistance.
I like this story! Can't wait for chapter 2!
A promising start, and others have already pointed out the need for a few punctuation and sentence tune-ups. I personally fall under the opinion that you're using LUS way too much, but I almost always use proper names, so who knows, maybe I'm too strict. Either way, keep up the good work.
10247965
First, I must say, I feel incredibly honored to have you leave a comment on my story. Personally a big fan of your own work and keep on following it to this day. Honestly had to take a moment to breath when I saw the name here.
For the LUS... As I said to Uz Naimat I probably do it too much, but I also think it has it's place. While it might not have much a place in fanfiction, as you'd think most people who are reading a fanfic would already be well familiar with how a character looks like, I feel LUS works for original characters and work where the reader is new to the characters. I think it's also a decent change in pace from time to time. With you, Naimat, and at least one other person on another sight bringing it up, I'll see if I can't cut that aspect down just a little bit more in my work in the future.
I thank you for taking the time to read this story and hope you read the rest as it goes up.
This is very interesting indeed. Looking forward to more.
Or they could just just spent ten seconds going through pictures on their phones.
10248633
Other than the fact that they didn't believe Sunset when she did the same thing in the special, the reason I did it through Rarity's sketchpad and Pinkie Pie's Planner is because that's something deeply personal to them. For Rarity especially this is a good 'oh lord, she's telling the truth' moment because it's impossible for Sunset to sneak in a dress design into her personal sketch folder that lives up to Rarity's own style.
I do bring up the phones at one point in the next chapter, I believe, but that's more of 'additional' proof to the girls at this point.
This is good, very good.
As much as I originally didn't want to read this in how much forgotten friendship broke my heart and that I got feelings for Sunset I enjoyed this sorta. And I wish something like this would have happened in the special since it would of made things better. But anyway hope to see more of this and all I got left to say is good luck on this story
This would've been a really interesting subplot: the EG girls realizing something would be amiss, since they do have physical proofs of their friendships.
Glad Sunny's okay, and that Twilight et al. are starting to come around.
Can't wait for the next chapter and I hope it goes well
I wonde rif Twi will go berserk on Wall Flower once ehr ememories are returned, sounds like they were dating and very close...this will enrage Sci Twi for having her memories taken.
Slowly.
Maybe “whomever is” or just “who’s”
I think you can write it this way, but it may actually be, “constantly running”.
I'm not sure how I feel about all of them realising they've lost their memories in the first chapter.
I'll keep reading but can't help but to feel like we lost a story where Sci-twi have to investigate and slowly convince her friends of the truth.
10264267
While that is a definitely an interesting idea, I didn't go for that for a few reasons. The first and foremost is that the special itself proves to us that physical evidence isn't effected by the Memory stone. And even if the girls wouldn't believe their phones as being hacked, I know for a fact that there would be other physical proof. The second reason for me not doing it that way is that, well, there's very little TO investigate. Everything that Sci-Twi and the other girls need to know is revealed by Sunset, especially since for the most part I was working within the restrictions of the original special. As I've said before, the Equestria side of the story is actually pretty damn solid. It's the human side of things where I feel everything falls apart.
Finally, I decided to do things the way I have mostly because, well, I'm not that experienced in writing something Mystery themed and it's incredibly hard to do it when people already know who culprit is. That's not to say you can't make it interesting, but it would get in the way of what I was wanting to tell, which was simply to tell a better version of the Equestria girls side of Forgotten Friendship.
I wonder when the next chapter will be out?
10264521
Okej, maybe investigate wasn't the word to use. I meant it more like what she has been doing so far. "What memories are missing? What can I do to hel? What are these feelings coming from?" mm. Definately not going all Rarity on this.
Anyway. My complaint was mostly that the whole gang was convinced at the same time. I'm afraid they'll take time away from Sci-twi realising her feelings. Especially when you're following the special so closely and they didn't really do anything.
10266197
That's what I hopefully conveyed with Twilight in this chapter, as she does go over some of her memories to realize things aren't adding up. That she's got some gaping holes where there should be life.
As for the other girls being convinced, I personally think that while some of them wouldn't like it, it's kinda hard to disprove something like Rarity's designs as fake considering that's so something personal to her. Add in the personalities of the girls and the only one I felt that would really be uncertain about the entire thing even with that proof is Applejack, whom I made sure had some moments in this chapter.
Really, when it comes down to it, could I have written it that the girls needed more time to be convinced or delved deeper into the missing memories they had? Almost certainly. But I felt like that wouldn't be true to the characters or how they would act. Twilight, once she figured out something was going on, would DO something about it. She might fret and worry about things, which I felt like I showed, but she wouldn't just sit around. And her friends, even if they still have misgivings about the whole ordeal, would still help her. And that's my personal stance as a writer, even if I'm doing something like a shipping, I'm going to be as true to the characters as i can be.
So, I’ve noticed that you’ve toned down the LUS. Great. Now, as for the ‘said tag’ problem, it doesn’t just apply to the word ‘said.’ It applies to most ‘speaking’ verb. For instance:
And so on. Furthermore, the improper nouns that follow the dialogue should not be in uppercase.
One more thing. Applejack’s nickname is AJ, not Aj. Both letters should be in uppercase, since it’s her initials.
Again, I don’t mean to be rude, I just want to help.
10271030
Hmmm, I've got a question for you then in that case. When would be the right time to have a period in a characters dialog? Cuz the way you're stating things right now, it feels like that unless I'm not doing the 'Twilight said' or what not after the sentience, there should be never a case where I end it with a period. I feel like I've seen some other authors doing it, both fan and official, but I could be misremembering.
Also, I don't feel like you're being rude at all! You're helping me improve... that said I'd actually like to know what you think of the story so far as well! Fixing some of my writing flaws is good and fine, but I'd like to know if the base story itself is remotely entertaining.
10271693
When the 'said tag' precedes the dialogue.
Like that.
As for the story itself. I like the idea. Forgotten Friendship was full of plot holes, and I love the idea of having Twilight abuse those plot holes. I like the story. Keep it up.
And suddenly I got chills up my spine
I agree. It would've been a better part of Sunset's learning curve for Wallflower to be someone she hurt in the past and didn't really make amends to.
Alright, just began reading and caught up on this. I have similar feelings about forgotten friendship, and so far I'm liking what you've done.
Yeeeaahh... I'm not a fan of Wallflower. She was the cause of her own problems, shifted the blame to Sunset, and Sunset was supposed to feel bad and apologize for it? She was just petty, and to this day I fail to understand why so many people ship them together *shudder*
10275411
So Wallflower did get bullied by the old Sunset but then after five years Sunset didn’t remember her?
10275557
Well, apparently everybody had a reason to hate Sunset. Sunset apparently couldn't remember ALL her misdeeds.
10275569
Well, I still don’t see how doing all of that is suppose to make her un-invisible since she hated being invisible for a very long time
Can't wait for the next one that I think will be the last. Btw I'm not sure if anyone will even care but forgotten friendship is my least favorite special due to what Sumset went through just being forgotten which broke my heart since a year prior before the special came out I started to have feeling for her even if she ain't real since we have so much in common. And everytime I see a scene I dislike or see the scene where Sunset sacrifices her memories I cry whenever I see it since seeing her memories going out of here is terrifying but also sad at the same time and I hope I didn't upset anyone over this.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
Ouch.
I know there's a lot of sympathy for Wallflower out there, but she gets none of it from me for one very simple reason: she attacked someone's mind. One of the few things that I hold as inviolate is a person's mind and memories, because they are what define a person as that person. And she goes around mind-raping people for petty reasons, including projecting her failures at socializing which she herself helped create by removing people's memories of "awkward social interactions."
OPE
*Intense waiting*
10275556
10276334
You know, it's funny. These are all perfectly valid reasons to dislike Wallflower as a character that, in theory, I completely agree with and I certainly don't like her as a character. And yet, I also don't really dislike her as a character and for one simple reason:
I don't really think of her as a character.
Now, don't misunderstand me, this is all just how I see her and how she feels to me and I am not for a moment trying to make assumptions about the people behind her - writers, directors, etc... - but she always came across to me as so ridiculously... cynical in her construction that I honestly can't think of her as any kind of character, good or bad. She just feels like she was built from the ground up solely to get a certain reaction from the audience rather than as a person in her own right. As a result, she feels less like a real person who would be sympathetic and an antagonist and more like the author jumping up and down screaming, well:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/6/29/925886.jpg
"Be sad for her! Aren't you sad for her?! Don't you just want to comfort her?! Of course you do, she's so sad and you want her to stop being sad. So pity her! Pity her so much! You're not pitying her hard enough! PITY HERRRRRR!"
And even if I ignore that since, again, that's entirely just the feeling I get and not something I actually assume the creators are doing, she still just feels like, at best, an attempt to manufacture another Fluttershy. Only without in any way understanding what made Fluttershy work so well and just assuming "making her MORE 'Fluttershy' will make her even better.
Except the thing about Fluttershy is that, yes, she's shy, awkward and nervous, but it's not just that that makes her work so well. It's the fact that there's a lot more to her than just that and that those very aspects interfere with. There's a reason that one of the iconic images of her, at least in the Equestria Girls continuity, is her standing out in front of the school, desperately trying to get people to listen to her about her shelter but too bashful to actually raise her voice and get anyone's attention. It shows that, while she is very easy to feel sorry for, there's a lot more to her than just that.
Wallflower, on the other hand, just came across as the writers deciding "this will be the character the audience will feel sorry for" and never going beyond that in terms of giving her a character. So she just feels like a hollow attempt to reproduce a success by focusing on the surface aspects of it and not what actually made it work.
And, to be honest, in that, I feel she's emblematic of the story overall. It is very painful and hard to watch, but it's often so ham-fisted in its emotional manipulation that it doesn't feel like a reasonable situation where you would feel sad, but rather like the author forcefully and deliberately jamming sadness into your eyes while yelling at you about how sad they're making you. To quote SFDebris (possibly quoting someone else, not sure), it makes you cry, but it puts a gun to your head to make you do it. So, even though it does succeed in its goals and there is definitely a lot to like in it, the whole feels like a lot less than the sum of its parts, so I still can't really say I like or appreciate it as a work on its own.
Anyway, massive tangent and diatribe over, sorry about that. Just those comments kind of brought that whole thing into clarity in my mind and I felt like getting it down. I do apologize.
10277141
You're not that far off I think. From a certain point of view, it can be seen as a culmination of a trend that began with Starlight Glimmer. As one of my favorite youtubers, Lily Orchard noted, post-Rainbow Rocks MLP (and by extension EqG) shifted from the classic villains to sort of "reformation bait" ones: "villains" who had some sort of tragical backstory to excuse their "villainnes", to try and get the viewers to feel sorry for them, and to attempt to reproduce the success of Sunset's redemption arc.
10277155
I didn't want to say it, but yeah. And the irony is that, in my opinion, a large part of why Sunset's arc worked so well was specifically because they didn't try to come up with some "tragic" backstory or freudian excuse to try and diminish how bad she, her goals and her methods were. Instead, both the story and the character accepted that she had no one to blame but herself, so she had to take responsibility for her actions and the consequences of them and actively work to change.
Whereas that period of villains trying the whole "oh, no, see, they were secretly sympathetic the whole time" thing just undercuts the whole thing since, even if that worked (which it very seldom does), that still wouldn't be a redemption. There's no change or development there, just switching out a character's portrayal in an instant. And that's just nowhere near as satisfying.
Redemption is a powerful thing, both as a real life concept and as a storytelling element, but for it to work, I think the single most important thing is that you have to actually address the villainous aspects of a character rather than just dismissing or excusing them. And that's something the show has often seemed weirdly reluctant to do.
10277394
Indeed. And taking Sunset as an example once again, something all the other "redeemed" villains have failed to do, particularly Starlight, is to properly make up to the people they wronged in the past. RR was all about Sunset's penance for her previous actions, enduring the scorn and distrust of the school and having to prove she had changed. All the others though just get a slap in the wrist, get told they don't have to be sad anymore, and presto-chango they're good and friends now!
...I just realised. This is the second time Sunset's been de-friended by her friends. First it was because of the pettiness of three young girls, and it was the Human Five's own decision to dump Sunset. Now it's a jealous loner, who forced it onto the Human Six.
What the hell? Why does EqG hate Sunset so much?
Also, who stopped the Sirens? Remember, when it was just you five and Princess Twilight, the Sirens managed to overcome you lot. It was someone else who stepped in and added the necessary power - the necessary Friendship - to defeat them.
All's well that ends well.
I agree. And that right there is one of the reasons I have such a problem with SciSpruce: it served no purpose other than to try killing the SciSet shipping. It was like they were trying to say "Oh, you want to ship her and Sunset. Well, too bad! We're putting her in a relationship to put an end to that."
I mean, they pulled the same thing with Rollercoaster of Friendship and Spring Breakdown: "Oh, there was a ton of HoYay between AJ and Rare? Make Rare crush on a boy next episode."
Wasn't expecting to see Sunset turn into a demon but despite that I ended the ending and I really enjoy the sciset moments especially when in the show that I still hope gets a proper ending but that's not important now. And hope to see more great stories in the future
Loved this story! Glad it's finished!
meanwhile...
back with everyone else...
(in all seriousness, great job on the story 😁 )
An interesting alternative place for Sunset's mind to reset to in that situation. I agree that this is a much more show consistent message.
Thanks for sharing your take.
10288413
I've not mentioned it in the author's notes, mostly because they're all way to long, but yeah, I also made that same connection. I pretty much figured that they liked the idea of Anon-a-miss while they didn't like how it was handled. Forgotten Friendship is better.... but not by much.