• Member Since 22nd Oct, 2017
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Pokeprof


Simple Author, Streamer, Gamer, and Youtuber.

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When Sunset Shimmer told Twilight and her friends that she had been erased from their memories, they didn't believe her. While magic was now something the girls were familiar with, removing someone from their memories just was flat out impossible... wasn't it? They all told off the bully and went back to their time together enjoying the beach. Except now, Twilight can't shake that something is seriously wrong.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 15 )

I may not be a fan of Equestria Girls no more or enjoyed that special, but I’m gonna wait for the next chapters of this story to see if the girls will find Sunset Shimmer and see how they can get their good memories of Sunset back

I LOVE this story so far

I guess you've just published chapter 1 of this story today. I like your plotting and characterization well enough. I see you've picked up early enough in the "Forgotten Friendship" special that you have a lot of opportunity to write your own version and still have the three days needed for the EG girls to save the memories, if you're wanting to stick to the three-day rule. (I guess it's like the five second rule, but not for floor germs.) :moustache:

If I don't like a story, I don't comment like this. In a few places your English usage is a bit off, so maybe you need a proofreader. (Examples sent in private fimfiction.net mail, with change suggestions.)

Interesting premise. I like Forgetten Friendship stories where the Rainbooms realize that there are many plot holes.

Two things I've noticed with your writing. Like Mokingbird said, you need a proofreader. Allow me.

1. When you have a dialogue that ends with a normal sentence, you don't end it with a period if you intend to follow it with a said tag. Case in point:

“Now hold on there, sally, let the gal finish.” Applejack said, placing a hand on both of her loud friends shoulders, giving them a firm but calming squeeze.

This should be:

“Now hold on there, sally, let the gal finish,” Applejack said, placing a hand on both of her loud friends shoulders, giving them a firm but calming squeeze.

2. You have what Ezn describes as the "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome". It's where an author feels likes they're overusing a character's names and therefore start to replace the names with descriptions. Case in point:

Fluttershy added, the pink haired animal lover giving her best encouraging smile to Twilight.

This would look much better like this:

Fluttershy added, giving her best encouraging smile to Twilight.

Consider reading Ezn's writing guide for more info.

Hope this helps. My apologies if this sounded rude.

Pokeprof #5 · Saturday · · ·

10247900
Not rude at all, though if the errors that you and Mockingbirb pointed out are the extent of my mistakes, then I feel like I've been doing pretty well overall. Punctuation on some things like what you pointed out has always been a hard part for me and I usually do what feels is right. Not only that but I do have a proof reader but both of us are human and we're going to miss things. Heck, I've seen such mistakes in officially published work and this was something I did more off the cuff than anything.

As for the whole 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome' thing, I both agree and disagree with that. On the one hand, the example you gave? Yeah, I agree, that part is better without that added description of what she looks like. On the other hand, I disagree with the Syndrome being a bad thing and that names should be used above all else. The occasional descriptor of what a character is or looks like helps keep the image of the character in their minds and allows for you to do more than just 'She' or the 'characters name'. I think it especially helps when you've got as many characters to juggle in a story as i had in this one.

All that said I am probably on the 'you're overdoing it' side of the Syndrome, since I'm always trying to avoid using a characters name more than twice in a paragraph, but overall I do think it's better to have those aspects than not.

This is interesting I like it

10247915
The Syndrome isn't bad in itself. It's when certain authors (not you) overdo it, then it becomes distracting. Ezn had en entire section on it in the site's writing guide. He explains it better than I can.

Glad I could be of assistance.

I like this story! Can't wait for chapter 2! :pinkiesmile:

A promising start, and others have already pointed out the need for a few punctuation and sentence tune-ups. I personally fall under the opinion that you're using LUS way too much, but I almost always use proper names, so who knows, maybe I'm too strict. Either way, keep up the good work.

10247965
First, I must say, I feel incredibly honored to have you leave a comment on my story. Personally a big fan of your own work and keep on following it to this day. Honestly had to take a moment to breath when I saw the name here.

For the LUS... As I said to Uz Naimat I probably do it too much, but I also think it has it's place. While it might not have much a place in fanfiction, as you'd think most people who are reading a fanfic would already be well familiar with how a character looks like, I feel LUS works for original characters and work where the reader is new to the characters. I think it's also a decent change in pace from time to time. With you, Naimat, and at least one other person on another sight bringing it up, I'll see if I can't cut that aspect down just a little bit more in my work in the future.

I thank you for taking the time to read this story and hope you read the rest as it goes up.

This is very interesting indeed. Looking forward to more.

Or they could just just spent ten seconds going through pictures on their phones.

10248633
Other than the fact that they didn't believe Sunset when she did the same thing in the special, the reason I did it through Rarity's sketchpad and Pinkie Pie's Planner is because that's something deeply personal to them. For Rarity especially this is a good 'oh lord, she's telling the truth' moment because it's impossible for Sunset to sneak in a dress design into her personal sketch folder that lives up to Rarity's own style.

I do bring up the phones at one point in the next chapter, I believe, but that's more of 'additional' proof to the girls at this point.

Sollys #14 · Sunday · · ·

This is good, very good.

EvanF #15 · Yesterday · · ·

As much as I originally didn't want to read this in how much forgotten friendship broke my heart and that I got feelings for Sunset I enjoyed this sorta. And I wish something like this would have happened in the special since it would of made things better. But anyway hope to see more of this and all I got left to say is good luck on this story

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