Pandemic: Starting Over

by Halira

Chapter 60: Conversations with The Princess of Friendship

I thought I got focused when studying magic, but Twilight was something else.

"Tree," I said. Twilight stepped to the side as she walked, narrowly dodging the tree and still not looking up from reading my notes. She had a half-frown on her face, and I was sure she must have read over them a dozen times without saying anything yet.

"Tree," I said again; again, she stepped around the obstacle. "You know, we could stand still and let you read."

"I like walking," Twilight said absently, still not taking her eyes away from the notes.

"Whatever you want," I replied as I looked ahead. "Tree."

The little copse of trees and bushes was missing all signs of wildlife: no squirrels, no rabbits, no birds. It made it eerily silent, except for the sounds of the children and foals playing in the distance. It didn't help that I now knew why they were missing all the wildlife. It occurred to me they still had live animals in the bunker, unless Starlight had done something to free them—then we might have wild animals in our walls. That was something that needed to be resolved, and soon as the last thing we needed was one of the foals wandering into one of them.

I noticed that a few crabapples had fallen on the ground. With us being in the house for a few days now, the Youngs hadn't been out gathering them. I wondered if I could convince my mom and the Youngs to teach the foals how to make crabapple preserves. It was one of those warm memories from childhood. Never much mind the reason we had been making them was we were so poor for a few years before I was ten that we were left to harvest crabapples and wild lettuce to help fill out our food. Those are things that I hadn't understood at the time, and thankfully, something our family had gotten out from by the time I was in my teens.

I wasn't paying full attention, lost in my thoughts, and Twilight walked right into a tree.

"Sorry," I told her quickly as she gave me a disgruntled look, "I was lost in memories." I looked at my notes that she was holding in her magic. "You've read that over plenty of times. That tells me that I must be onto something; otherwise, you would have rejected it by now, but there must be an issue too."

She sighed and rolled up the notes, depositing them in the secure saddlebag she had taken back from me. "It could work. I'm even willing to say it has a high likelihood of working."

"But?" I prompted, waiting to hear what the issue was.

She shook her head. "This could very well make Bursa into a real monster."

I raised an eyebrow at that. "Have you seen her? I don't think turning her into a monster is an issue."

"She may have a monstrous form right now, but this could give her a monstrous need," Twilight clarified with her frown deepening. "Not too unlike the one you accidentally made once; only this one would have an insatiable hunger for love instead of magic."

"So you give her lots of hugs and kisses and tell her how special she is," I replied. "I still don't see the issue."

Twilight scowled at me, then closed her eyes and sighed. "I forget you don't know much about changelings. What your spell would do would most likely create what is referred to as an unreformed changeling. This type of changeling would suck love and energy from any being it could find, as a source of food."

I chewed on my lip. "Are you using the term unreformed in the way of having repented of crimes, or are you using it in the way of reshaped into something else?"

She tapped a hoof to her chin. "A mix of both. You could consider changelings as going through a stage of a life cycle that is not set by biological mechanisms but by moments of personal emotional growth to cause physical changes. That is something worth studying. I know there are reformed nymphs. I need to sit down with King Thorax and get a more thorough study done."

"I won't ask the full details," I said. "You are keeping information about changelings under wraps for some reason. However, this could save her, and even if she ends up as one of these unreformed ones, that still means she'd live. You can't reform a monster if they're dead."

She nodded. "That's a very valid point. I'm just worried about how dangerous she could be before that reformation comes… if it comes. There’s also the risk of changelings being able to feed on humans, magic or not. It’s not something we’ve tested on human emotion."

I laid my ears back. "I was tasked with finding a way of saving her. This is the best I could come up with in the time frame we have. Do you or don't you have access to the information needed to complete the spell? If you don't, then there is no point of even discussing this."

She stared up at the branches of the trees for a few seconds. "I have it. I can complete the spell. I can try to arrange safety precautions to deal with what she may become after. You're right; I can’t reform her if she is dead. Better to take the risk and have faith we can do that. I believe in the power of friendship, and I would be betraying that if I didn't think there was a chance she could reform."

"Could there be a chance you could just make her one of these reformed ones if they are less dangerous?" I asked.

She turned her gaze down to the ground. "Not likely, at least, not the way she is. She is filled with anger and rage. There isn't much love in her. I can understand why, given what was done to her, but that would impact what kind of changeling we end up with. She wouldn't be able to reform until she was able to share love. It is what divides the reformed from the unreformed. They are the same species biologically, with mainly cosmetic differences in appearance and different behavior patterns. It is like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, but it requires the caterpillar to decide to become a butterfly rather than as a natural result of their life cycle. A changeling could stay a caterpillar forever if they don't develop emotionally enough."

"A very hungry hungry caterpillar," I said dryly.

"Yes," she replied, completely missing my reference. I suppose it would be unlikely she would get it, given she was Equestrian. "I also doubt your government would allow her to stay on Earth. Changelings are one of the species they gave a very strict no to coming to this planet. The idea of a creature that can become an exact duplicate of anyone at will terrifies their security personnel. They don't even want us talking about them."

"You've taken others to Equestria before," I reminded her. "Speaking of which, how are Jean and Roger doing?"

Twilight instantly broke out a large grin. "They are doing fine. They are taking well to their species change. You'd never know they weren't born griffins… aside from the fact they are nicer than the majority of griffins I have met. They live on the outskirts of Ponyville, and little Guillermo is the cutest little ball of feathers and talons you ever saw. Jean seems to have completely recovered from the trauma she had as a result of your experiment."

I hung my head and held back tears. "I'm glad. I didn't mean for all that to happen, but it haunts me. Rosetta and Wild will never forgive me, and they have made that very clear, and I accept it. I don't know if I can forgive myself for it. I almost got every foal in my family killed."

She reached a wing out to me. "You had the—"

I slapped the wing aside and gritted my teeth at her. "Don't say that! I'm tired of people trying to justify my actions by saying I had good intentions! I was so caught up in finally achieving my Shimmerist dreams that I threw all caution to the wind and hurt people in the process. If I hadn't done that, the riots might not have been as bad. If the riots weren't as bad, then we might have had more security in the Bastion. If we had more security in the Bastion—"

I broke down sobbing. I sat down and let the tears flow. I was pathetic.

Twilight carefully approached me and wrapped a wing around me. She didn't say anything; she just let me cry.

"They say everything happens for a reason," I mumbled. "That everything is part of God's grand design. How do I reconcile what happened with that? If that was God's way of taking me down for my sins, then why did so many other people end up being the ones hurt, and I walked away without a scratch? Tonya didn't deserve that. None of those people that lost their homes deserved that. None of those who were still in the Bastion deserved it, and neither did their families that will never see them again. How do I reconcile it, Twilight?"

"I don't know," she gently whispered. "I'm not a follower of your faith, so I can't claim to know how it is all supposed to work. What I can say is I understand forgiveness is a big part of your faith, and I forgive you."

"Why?"

She gripped me tighter. "Because I see how much pain you are in. I see your regret. I see how much you wish you could make it right, and because holding onto my anger won't ever undo what happened or make anything better."

"But why have you trusted me?" I asked, sniffling like a foal. "These notebooks… me having access to what was in them was a violation of international treaties. I can't believe the government knew what you let me have. They'd be up in arms about it. I'm not just a former Shimmerist. I was one of the most influential Shimmerists there may ever be. Why did you trust me?"

She sat silent for a moment. "Part of it is what I already told you. First and foremost, I believe you want to do the right thing. Another part is you showed me trust first. When everything was happening in Riverview, you gave me access to everything, no matter how classified. I know you were doing that because you were desperate. However, even after I failed you… and I did fail you, and Tonya, and all those other people, and that haunts me as well; you continued to show that same trust in me by giving me all your information about the temporary transformation spell. You never said a word of recrimination to me about having failed Riverview. You just accepted I did my best and didn't blame me. That's a powerful thing to do, a humbling thing to have done for me in the wake of one of my most devastating failures, and you have my trust in return."

I looked up at her face. I saw a tear fall from her eye.

"You didn't fail," I said firmly, wiping my own eyes. "You held back that blast long enough for Wild to do what she did. If you hadn't been there, all of Riverview would have perished. Wild gets all the acclaim as a hero, but she could never have done it without you. It was both of you who saved the city, not just her. Tens of thousands are alive because of you."

"I know," she whispered. "What I failed to do was find a solution before that, one that could have saved everyone in the Bastion. I have studied and rerun simulations on what I could have done since then. I have yet to come up with anything I can be sure would have worked. You made that place to be impenetrable, and you accomplished it. Unfortunately, the danger had already been on the inside. I know you take no pride in it, but you managed to outsmart both yourself and me."

"I definitely take no pride in it," I said bitterly. "I was smart enough to make a foolproof defense and foolish enough to be undone by it. Yet another reason why I'm to blame."

She went silent again for a few seconds. "I do ask Starlight about you, and talk to some others about you as well. I know you're resistant to seeking psychological help, but I'm told and can see you're prone to dramatic mood swings. If you trust and respect me, will you believe me when I say you need to get help with this, for your sake? Even if there weren't mood swings, you need help with the grieving process. It's okay to say you can't handle coping with it all on your own. I know your wife wants you to be happy."

I shook my head. "Everyone talks about how much good I could do, but—

She put a hoof up to my mouth. "Stop right there. I know about Yinyu's foals. I was told today about the humans. You just advocated to me for Bursa's sake. I can also see by your notes that you still can develop complex magical spells. Seeking help isn't for the sake of what you can do for the world if you get better, because you already are a good pony who is making a positive difference. What it's for is to help you be happy again. You deserve happiness."

"I don't know," I mumbled as she removed her hoof.

"The worst that could happen if you seek help is that you are no better off than before," she said in a gentle voice. "You have a history of running risk assessments. Do you see any risk?"

I shook my head, outdone by her logic. "No… I suppose you're right. I'll look into seeing a counselor."

Twilight smiled. She had such an innocent and warm smile that felt sincere to see. "I'm glad you'll try." She then held up the notes.."This spell for Bursa wasn't the only thing in your notes. I see you took my improvements on your signature spell and made notes about how to improve it further."

I knew another reason why I needed to drop this yellow fur. It let people see my blushes. "It— I couldn't help myself. I've poured so much into that thing, trying to make it right. I saw what you did, and it gave me more ideas, and I wanted to record them so someone could continue with it. I'm not planning on doing anything."

She nodded. "I never was opposed to the spell existing, and I believe in the value of Wild Growth's goals. Helping the sick, injured, and more is a wonderful goal." She pointed to me, indicating my heart. "If you can ever get to a better place emotionally, I wouldn't mind seeing how much you can improve it still. You need to take care of yourself first, though, and get settled with those foals."

"I'm not sure if the day will ever come...but thank you for your support," I said, giving a weak smile. I noted she said Wild's goals. It went without saying mine were not good ones back then.

She looked back at the house. "Let's head back. I want to at least say hello to everyone before I go. I was told Jessie was here, and I want to say hi to Trixie too. I hope you write that first friendship report for Luna soon. She is really looking forward to those reports and is practically bouncing off the walls of Canterlot Castle in giddy anticipation."

"I'll write it tonight and give it to Starlight to deliver in the morning," I assured her. "Thank you again for listening to me and giving support."

She gave that enduring smile again. "Thank you for showing you are worth the faith we put in you."

Comments

[Lawra]

10738351
She's gonna have full body yellow frosted tips on a red base. That unicorn is going to be on fire.

[harts fire]

there is so much good in this chapter. or should i say self discovery.
grate work team.