Pandemic: Starting Over

by Halira

Chapter 5: My Angel

I thought I had died and gone to heaven, seeing the angel standing before me, but I knew that was wrong. I didn’t deserve heaven, and a second look made me realize it was no angel; it was my wife.

She had her arms crossed, wings flared, and she was holding that infernal bronze staff in one hand. I had concluded that staff served one purpose and one purpose alone; to bonk people that displeased her on the head. The fact she was in her half-human half-pony angelic form meant she was pissed. She usually appeared as a pony to me when she wasn't mad about something.

"What were you thinking?" She demanded in a harsh voice.

I sat up and looked at her towering form that was far larger than a normal human size. We were in an endless black expanse. "You might need to be a little clearer about what you are referencing."

She bent down and glared at me, her imposing size making the motion far more intimidating. "Not even twenty-four hours after you exhaust yourself with a spell, you turn around and try to cast something even more exhausting. You know you need more time than that to recover. Again, what were you thinking?"

I'd have teleported away if there was anywhere to teleport to, but this was a dream, and she was everywhere. "I, uh… it needed to be done. The colts need to be able to understand English."

"It could have waited!" She shouted, and then stood up straight. "You're lucky you're as exhausted as you are, or else Yinyu would be here screaming at you too! I convinced her that I'd be better to yell at you."

"I don't see what the big deal is," I mumbled.

She bashed the bottom of her staff against the non-existent ground. "The big deal is that you could have injured or killed yourself! What would Yinyu's foals or I do if you had that happen? You shouldn't be so reckless with your health."

"Yinyu could find some better guardian, and you-"

She scowled down at me, dangerously. "Think before you answer, Sunset."

"Tonya, I-"

"Don't Tonya me when I'm mad at you. When I'm angry at you, it's Arbiter, got it?"

I gave her a sullen look. "Well, Arbiter, it's not like you need me anymore. It's not like you ever needed me. I was a mistake on your part. Chances are I'll end up getting those foals in the same state as you."

Her fingers turned into claws as she gripped that staff tighter. "You do not get to say who I should or should not care about. Including me caring for you! It would break my heart if you died. You have so much left you can give the world, if you take care of yourself and stop wallowing around in self-pity."

"I'm not-"

"Are you saying the person that can see all your thoughts is wrong?"

I turned away from her. "My thoughts are a confused mess! Who knows what you would pick out of them."

A wing, a regular-sized wing, gently pulled my vision back to her. There she was, as she was in life; just an orange pegasus with a purple mane. She was looking at me with tears in her eyes. "Sunset. I know you're full of guilt. I'm not going to say your past was spotless, because it wasn't. I'm also not going to say that it may not come back to haunt you time and time again, because it may very well do so. What I will say is that you never had ill intent, even when you were wrong in your beliefs and methods. You aren't dead yet, and I hope you won't die for a long time yet. Just because you screwed up doesn't mean that you can't do good, or that you never did good. No one is perfect, my sunshine."

"Some of us are farther from perfect than others," I replied. She smacked me with a wing.

"I didn't fall in love with you because you were perfect. I fell in love with you because of your passion and your strong desire to be better than you had been. Sure, you ended up going on a bad course with that, but the intent to be better than you were before was always a big part of your drive. You've got five little souls with you right now that are hurting just as much as you, and they need someone to help them. You can't take away their pain, but you can give them something more than just their pain to focus on, and you can protect them. You can be better if you can get your head out of your ass."

I stepped away from her. "Look at everything I ever did. First, I got pregnant in college, had an abortion, and felt so guilty about it I got caught up in a radical and unChristian form of Christianity that made me a disgrace before God for years to come. I treated my child's needs as a defect to be fixed. When I became a pony, I turned my loathing on humans and heightened my bigotry. I did terrible things time and time again for what I perceived to be the greater good. I all but encouraged you to commit murder. I cut corners to get praise, corners that ended with the destruction of my city. Now I'm hearing I might be the mother of Chinese Shimmerism. What on God's green Earth have I ever done right?"

"You admitted you were wrong, and that's a start," Tonya silently replied. "You fought for the rights of others. You brought prosperity to the ponies of the South. Even though you looked down on humans, you managed to forge strong bonds between them and ponies. You gave opportunities to many who might not otherwise have them. You might have been nasty about it, but you made the Equestrians realize that their magical development had stagnated, and they needed to understand that in order to change it. You wrote a scathing rebuke of Shimmerism that has fractured it in certain regions, and change is happening because of that. All the things you said are true, but all I just said is true too. You have a complicated legacy, but your story is not over."

She walked over to me and touched a wing to my side. "You were also willing to put everything on the line to try to save me when I was in trouble. You're capable of being selfless, even if you see nothing in yourself but your selfishness. Stop thinking about all you've done wrong and focus on doing right. I'm asking you to think of the needs of others now, five little souls who need someone to care. They need you, don't abandon them by destroying yourself. Don't abandon me. I need you too."

I looked down and took a deep breath. "I'll-I'll try, but I can't see this going well."

She hugged me. "When you try, you always find a way. I have faith in you. I've kept you too long, and I'm going to let you get back to regular sleep now so you can recover. I love you, Sunset."

Then she was gone, and my mind drifted into unawareness.

---

"She's waking up."

I groaned, and blinked my eyes at the light around me. I tried to remember where I was and when I'd fallen asleep, but came up empty.

"Just relax. You're dealing with magical exhaustion. Don't try to use your magic for anything. You need time to recover."

I turned towards the voice and saw a human man. "Where am I? What happened?"

"You're on a plane from San Francisco to Denver. You passed out from magical exhaustion. I checked you over, and determined that you just needed rest; otherwise, we'd have you in a hospital bed back at the Mills-Peninsula Medical Center in San Francisco. You'll be alright with plenty of rest and laying off your magic for a few days. No levitation for at least the next two days, no spell casting beyond that for the week, no advanced spell casting at all for the duration, just rest. If you follow instructions, you should be fully recovered in about a week and a half."

"We transferred planes?" I asked, remembering we had been in route to San Francisco before.

"Yes, you were transferred by stretcher. The government had already set your course, and there was no need to delay it. We are getting you back home as planned. Wild Growth was contacted, and she has been informed of your condition. She says she will make arrangements for any extra care you need in the next few days."

The place in Denver wasn't really home; it was just where I was staying. I didn't have a home anymore. Getting even more generosity from Wild in the form of extra care didn't sit well with me either. At least she'd be far away, and so I wouldn't have to face her and her magnanimous face directly. It was grating as it was knowing I was dependant on her for everything. I was as much her ward as Yinyu's foals were mine.

"Where are the foals?" I asked, after noticing them missing. There was just me, a few humans, and a crystal pony. We were in a smaller and less luxurious looking cabin than where I'd been.

"In the main cabin. We have you separated to rest without disturbances. Did you want to see them?"

I considered it. I didn't want to see them just now, but I'd need to say something. "If you could just send Lántiān in, that should suffice."

He walked away, presumably to fetch my eldest charge. I just laid where I was. It felt like I'd just run a thirty-mile marathon without stopping, and I had a splitting headache centered right at the base of my horn. Some people thought unicorn horns were just a mass of bone, but they got blood flow and had a fragile layer of flesh and fur over them. Right at that moment, I felt every pulse of blood going through it.

It took me a moment to realize Lántiān was standing right next to the small couch I was laying on. She hadn't done anything to announce herself, at least that I noticed, not that I was paying anything much attention at all at the moment. She was just sitting there, at attention like a little soldier. The little soldier had a smaller pegasus on her back. That was acceptable, as she couldn't be expected to leave her daughter unattended.

"So… " I began, and immediately lost what I was about to say. I tried to sit up slightly to better focus, but that turned out to be too much work.

"You frightened my siblings and daughter, ma'am," Lántiān deadpanned. I didn't need to hear emotion to hear the accusation behind those words. That gave me a spark of anger, and a spark of rage gave me some focus.

"I told everypony… excuse me… everyone all that it might happen," I snapped. I was now annoyed at myself for letting one of the terms that I had worked to purge from everyone's use escape my lips.

Lántiān gave me her flattest stare. "You must excuse them, ma'am. It has been explained to them that our mama has gone to sleep, and shall never awaken. Now they have seen their new guardian fall asleep, and would not wake up no matter how they shook her. You might understand why this upsets them."

That did put a different spin on things. Now I felt guilty for snapping. "Tell them I'm alright. I didn't mean to scare them." Tonya was right. I was reckless. "It-it won't happen again."

"As you say, ma'am." I hated her monotone. It was clear she didn't like me. She wasn't winning any charm awards from me either. If our time together stayed like this, it would be bearable, but I was sure at some point one of us was going to go off on the other. I couldn't blame her hostility. She'd been all but raising her siblings on her own before their mother died. It must have enraged her that she and they were left in the care of a stranger. A stranger who hadn't done much to instill confidence that things weren't going to continue to get worse for them.

I had enough focus to at least continue this conversation. "So, did my spell work? Is Shǔguāng able to understand and speak English, or did I knock myself senseless for nothing?"

One side of her mouth turned down. "Your spell worked, ma'am. My brother is quite impressed by what you did. At the moment, he is explaining the dialogue of the film they are watching to Hé Líng. Hé Líng has started to pick up a few words, with Shǔguāng's assistance. His favorite is one I am not familiar with. What does cowabunga mean?"

I blinked. "Are they watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If they are, it is like their battlecry or their cheer, depending on the situation."

She nodded. "There are large human-shaped turtles, ma'am. They are wearing blindfolds with eyeholes, although I cannot determine a purpose for them doing that. I also see no ponies in the film, which further confuses me. I would say this is some human propaganda, but they make the heroes turtle people and a rat-man. American films make no sense."

"It's just a harmless older cartoon from before ETS," I explained. "I even watched it when I was a child, at least the original version; they rebooted it like four or five times over the years. Don't you have things you watched from before ETS?"

She shook her head. "No, ma'am. Film from before there were ponies is mostly banned by the culture ministry, with a few rare exceptions. They are human films, and therefore do not have proper quality and values."

I wanted to facehoof, but that would take too much energy. Was I ever this bad when I was proclaiming the greatness of shimmerism? I was pretty sure I wasn't. Sure, I encouraged pony made films and reimaginings of classic stories, but I didn't outright ban the older versions. Even if I wanted to, that would cause a riot. China was more used to authoritarian regimes, I supposed, but I couldn't imagine this would have sat well with everyone over there. No one was going to just let the government outlaw large parts of their past culture without at least attempting to keep it preserved in secret. I guessed Lántiān kept blissfully unaware of anything but what her government told her. Staying in the US would do a lot to open her eyes.

That did remind me of something I hadn't gotten to ask yet. "I know this is an uncomfortable subject, but has your mother taken time to explain to you why she was trying to get you out of China?"

Lántiān visibly stiffened. "She told me what she believed. She must have been mistaken. Mama was not all-knowing, ma'am."

This filly needed to accept the truth. "You think she was willing to die based on something she couldn't be certain was absolutely true? She might not know everything, but she knows a hell of a lot more than you or me. She is a Dreamwarden, one of the most powerful things in existence, and she was terrified of what might happen to you and your siblings. She would not have been terrified if she was not sure the threat was real."

She bared her teeth. "I will not continue this discussion! Do you have any instructions to give me, or are you just going to try to delude me?"

I stared at her for a moment. "You didn't say, ma'am."

With a verbal growl, she turned and stormed back through the door, and slammed it shut behind her. I sat and stared at it for a moment.

"Way to go, Sunset," I said to myself. "You fucked that conversation up." I then laid back down, and let my weariness overtake me again.

Comments

[badninja]

I wonder what Phobia thinks of all of this or if she will offer her mother some advice as she does have foals of her own.