Pandemic: Starting Over

by Halira

Chapter 10: Mistakes Repeated

I had accomplished all the work I could come up with to do alone. Wild had replied to my email with a dramatic increase of my credit line, I'd made some calls and found a sitter who would be available to start tonight, and I'd forwarded the foalsitter's information to the guards at the gate. Everything I immediately needed to take care of was done. I glanced at my neglected notebook in the corner and immediately turned away from it. That wasn't on my list of things to do, and I wasn't sure if it would ever be something to do.

The tea turned out to be reasonably good, even if it would have been better hot. That was no fault of the filly who prepared it, though. After finishing that, I gave another look around the office. I supposed I could research those so-called Blessingists while I had the time, or research potential sources of income, but my heart just wasn't in either of those things at the moment. That left me with doing the thing I was putting off, check on the foals.

I walked out of the office, and as soon as I did, I heard my own voice coming from the living room.

"-from this moment on, I renounce my association with the philosophy of Shimmerism. It is a fundamentally speciesist philosophy, and it's filthy for being so. There is no room in a loving society for such hate. Those hit hardest by the tragedy in Riverview were the ponies, and the ones who were there giving help and aid with kindness and compassion were humans. I tried to reach out and lead the other Shimmerists to a better course, but they won't let their hatred go. To anyone listening to this who was ever inspired to take up the flag of Shimmerism by my words, I want to tell you right now I was wrong!"

I recognized the speech; it was part of the final one I ever gave. I continued out and saw Lántiān positioned where she could look out the glass doors towards the backyard while still watching my speech on the television. At the moment, her attention was more focused on the television, although she kept making glances out towards the back to monitor her brothers. Qīng Yǔ was laying on the ground beside her, watching in fascination as Lántiān's tail flipped about in a catlike manner.

"I see you took my advice," I said aloud. The filly jumped with a start, and her daughter scrambled not to be trampled accidentally. Lántiān immediately checked her daughter over to make sure she hadn't been hurt and did another quick glance at the outside before turning back to me.

The teen gestured towards the television with a wing and a look of disgust on her face. "How could you say these things, ma'am? They are slander! Shimmerists do not hate humans; we pity them for their disability and wish to help them better themselves."

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry no one told you sooner, but many actually do hate humans, and those Shimmerists that don't hate humans still look down upon them as lesser creatures. This isn't right, and it took me a long time to realize that I was still unjustly prejudiced, even if I didn't hate humans. I was treating them as less worthy than myself, less capable, unequal, like they were a problem to be solved, and it was wrong."

She glared at me. "They are unequal and less capable, ma'am!"

I walked over beside her and looked out into the back yard. The two older colts were doing short sprint races back and forth from one side of the yard to the other and back again. Méng had huddled up between the shadow of the wooden fence and the shade of a bush looking unhappily at the bright sky. "Why do you say that? What makes them unequal and less capable?"

"They don't have the magic to shape and change the world, ma'am," she replied in a boastful tone.

"Some humans have magic; some of them have awe-inspiring magic," I countered.

"They are exceptions which should have been ponies, ma'am. They gave up their true gift of magic for a lesser and weaker form."

"So, you believe that magical strength determines worth?" I asked. "How about me? I'm magically weak, yet others constantly remind me about how much I have influenced the world. There are ponies such as Wild Growth, Sunrise Storm, Starlight Glimmer, Sapphire Sky, El Capitan, and more that have magic levels that make the rest of ours look like nothing, not to mention the alicorns in Equestria. Are we all less deserving than they are?"

"No, because we are all ponies, and you forgot Qiánchéng De Érzi on your list, ma'am."

"Oh yes, Érzi," I said with a shake of my head. "He is strong, not in the same league as those others I named, but I guess your country needed to find some willing poster-pony since none of the truly powerful will have anything to do with what they promote. Érzi was almost certainly the pony that gave the order to blackmail your mother with your lives; I'd bet every hair in my tail on it. If that is what someone does with their magical power, I think I'd rather deal with the magicless humans. Take it from someone who once did similar despicable things in the name of the greater good."

She didn't seem pleased with me putting her glorious leader down or pointing out how that glorious leader had led to her current predicament. "Humans have ruined this planet; they pervert nature purely for their greed; they are violent and cruel, ma'am."

I had to laugh. "Isn't magic by definition perverting natural law? Our magic, our very bodies, are not even supposed to exist in this reality. I also thought you said humans were incapable of shaping the world, but now you say they are capable of ruining it? Ponies are more than capable of being violent and cruel; I can name Sha'am Maut, your president's little pet Subutai, and Érzi himself as examples of violent and cruel ponies. You may not have heard in those news reports as of yet, but there was also a particularly nasty one by the name of Poly Glot, who I still have nightmares about. Are you saying there aren't good and kind humans? No humans that help make the world a better place?"

The filly snorted and flapped her wings in frustration as she shuffled her legs, her foal cutely trying to mimic her mother like it was a game. "Shimmerists wish to make the humans like us, so we can all work together. Our leaders will someday find the magic to change humans to ponies, and the humans shall be happy and grateful for it once they realize the gift they’ve been given."

"You forgot to say ma'am that time around," I observed. "Little filly, I already know that magic, and I will do anything to stand in the way of anyone who tries to do what you suggest."

She stared at me with a dumbfounded look. "You're- you're lying. You cannot know that spell, ma'am."

"I know it. It was confirmed by Twilight Sparkle herself that I wasn't bluffing after I made that claim," I said with a satisfied grin. "No one will be learning it from me. They had the Dreamwardens block me- with my blessing- from ever communicating or helping to disseminate how to do it, and I am too weak to cast it myself. I will remain the only pony from Earth that knows that spell for a long time, hopefully, generations."

The filly shook her head in disbelief. "It is the right of humans to have that spell used, ma'am."

"Humans have rights now? My, you are inconsistent," I mockingly replied. "They have a right to self-determination, a right that forcing transformations denies, and China would force it- just like Sunset Shimmer did. You also forget there are plenty of ponies who have used that right to be turned back to humans. Your arguments are not very good, the products of systematic propaganda that requires you not to think. Your mother must be so embarrassed."

I'd have said the devastated expression on Lántiān's face was one of a child who'd been told that Santa Claus wasn't real, but it was more as if it was a child that had just been told that Santa Claus personally hated them. Perhaps I had gone too far in pulling her mother into it. It was certainly a low blow, but I was not going to candy-coat things for her. This filly needed some tough love.

"Your mother died protecting you from ponies that were willing to murder you in order to get what they wanted from her," I growled. "How must she feel hearing you defend them so fervently? Perhaps you should have been the one threatening your brothers on your government's behalf to try to force the mare that gave you life to do what they wanted. You could have threatened to slice your brothers' throats, or crush your daughter's skull beneath your self righteo-"

The next thing I knew, I was smashed back against the wall and then crumpled on the ground. My head hurt like hell. She'd somehow gotten me in both the nose and the horn, at least it felt like it. It had happened so fast I only had the pain to go by. I was reasonably sure it was a hoof that had connected; she had a strong buck.

I looked up at her. Her wings were spread, and she was crouched aggressively. She was breathing hard through her nose with gritted teeth. I saw her daughter had fled over to a corner, and the tiny filly was now wailing in distress. I wondered if the colts outside had noticed. If they hadn't, they would notice something was up soon enough. I pulled myself slowly to my hooves with a pained groan. I needed to stop doing stupid things to get myself hurt.

"Well," I said as my breath returned, but paused as I blew some blood from my nose out onto the hardwood floor. "My point is made, proving ponies can be violent. I probably deserved that, though."

Lántiān settled back slightly on her haunches but still looked ready to pounce at any second. "I'll take whatever punishment you give me, as I should not have struck my guardian, but I will not apologize, ma'am."

I shook my head slowly, partially to clear it, partly to say her apology was unnecessary. "I don't expect you to apologize. Go soothe your daughter. She just watched you attack another pony in rage, and she's terrified."

She looked at her crying filly and her entire posture transformed into one of worry. She immediately went over to the filly and then looked like someone struck her harder than she struck me when her daughter flinched away from her.

"I think seeing your daughter do that is adequate punishment," I said through the pain. "Remember, filly, ponies are just as capable of violence as humans, and everyone being ponies wouldn't make us all get along. It would be best if you reflected on that. You're not a sheltered princess anymore, and it's time you abandon your fantasies."

She glared back at me. "You're a cruel pony, ma'am."

I nodded. "I don't want to be, but sometimes it's needed,” I closed my eyes and took a breath. “I have a task for you, once your daughter is calmed down. I was hoping you could help me compile a list of what I need to get each of you. My budget has been expanded, and we will be taking a trip into town within a few days to shop. Foods you all enjoy, toys for the younger foals, items to help you care for your daughter, you said you desired art supplies, more personalized bedding, those kinds of things."

She looked at me in shock. "You will still give me the art supplies after I struck you, ma'am? Why?"

"Even if it hurt like hell, I still have a responsibility to be as good a guardian as I can," I said with a snort and watched as even more blood-splattered from my nose onto the floor. Damn it; she got me good. "You need to find things that bring you satisfaction and enjoyment. I have no intention of treating you just as the help, even if I rely heavily upon you. I may be cruel, as you said, but I want to be better than that, even if I don't always succeed." I touched a hoof to my nose and felt the blood all over it. "If you'll excuse me, I need to go put some pressure on this thing before I bleed out. Your tea was good, by the way, thank you for it."

I started to walk away, but she called out to me. "Ma'am! I have a favor to ask, in regards to my needs."

"What is it?" I asked impatiently over my shoulder.

"I have been stuck on the ground for days, ma'am. I need a few hours of extended flight after I have settled Qīng Yǔ. It is not healthy for me to remain out of the air for so long."

Which meant her flying off who knew where right after she had a significant argument with me. That would usually have 'attempting to run away' written all over it, but I knew she wasn't, not when her brothers and daughter were here. "Very well. Let me take care of this bleeding, and then I will take over watching your brothers and your daughter. Please keep to the air as much as you can, don't go landing on random houses or buildings when you don't know who will mind it, and don't talk to strangers. You'll have two hours, and then I expect you back here. Does that satisfy your needs?"

She nodded at me. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Perhaps we can make it a scheduled daily routine if you can be punctual in your returns. Now I need to take care of my nose."

I made my way back to the stairs, and I reflected on the conversation. I should have perhaps been a little kinder, and I wondered why I was so nasty to her. The filly was trying her best in an extremely stressful situation, and I wasn't making things easy for her. It was the Shimmerism at issue and my anger at myself for my past beliefs. I couldn't lash out at myself, so I lashed out at her. I always did this crap, and the cycle never stopped. My becoming a Shimmerist in a first place was a product of me lashing out at how horrible a human I had been. Lord knew I always directed my self-hate at the wrong targets.

Maybe I needed a psychiatrist. I'd add that to my list of things to find, but first, I needed to find an ice pack for my nose.

Comments

[PonyofEntropy]

Nice updates.