• Member Since 8th Sep, 2018
  • offline last seen 29 minutes ago

SociallyAwkwardDashite


“All this time I was finding myself, and I didn’t know I was lost”-Avicii

T

“What would it be like, to just be them.

Those legendary connoisseurs of the Blues and the British Invasion.

Too bad I’ll never find out.”

Little did John Mercury know that he just made a wish that changed the scope of his life forever. He wakes up in an unfamiliar place, with a chance to do just that. He doesn’t know this at first, though, but he gathers it with time and realizes what his Equestrian mission is.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 13 )

this is good, but put more detail and make it more long like.

Keep it up my dude!

10225367
More detail, can do.

Also, how would you define ‘long like’? Just curious.

Kinda hoping for a few Little RIchard songs since he's just passed away

10225639
As stated, I’m still researching legendary songs.

I’ll definitely include him though.

10225400
Anything more than 2,000 words or more.
But it doesn’t matter, keep it up my dude!

Oh god this is gonna be a wacky ride!!

Good job

I'm guessing John Mercury is a reference to John Lennon and Freddie Mercury?

10288327
Congratulations, you got the reference.

I even say in the first chapter that he loves the name because of how awesome it is for a musician to have such a name.

10288334
Sweet.

I would say the concept is a really great idea, but reading the story feels like a first draft.

For example, if John knows what MLP is, then he shouldn't be confused by the fact that they don't have The Beattles, Mumford and Sons, or things of that nature... since it's a completly different world than his. It's little things like this that can break people's interest in the story.

Also, try to not have the world bend around John. Like the free guitar bit... it was very forced and contrived. Wouldn't it have been better if John was processing the fact that he was seperated from those he cared about, and began singing some rock song he knew that correlated to that feeling. Then, a pony he'd have made an aquaitance with at that point is able to procure a guitar because pony friendship stuff. My point is that there's a more organic way to get John a guitar than just "Pony gives out a guitar because potatoes."

I gave what you got a read, and I just don't think it's for me. However, I leave this comment in order to impart some constrcutive criticism in hopes it will allow you to improve yourself as a writer in the future. You have a great idea for a story here. Now, it's all about execution.

10288340
I’ve gotten two bits of constructive criticism in my entire writing career.

This is actually what I’m looking for. Not the other bit of constructive criticism I got on The Endless Cycle

Thank you, I’ll take that into consideration.

Yeah, a lot of bits are kind of contrived.

I will say that the ‘free guitar’ bit is more or less inspired by The Beatle and its ideas on Ocellus getting a record contract and an orchestra by just playing Yesterday. It is kind of silly, though. That story’s probably better than this one, also.

Notably: John is aware of what MLP is, but he hasn’t seen it. He has no way of knowing if there’s like a Beatles or a Robert Johnson in there.

As for the him singing the Rock song to exemplify his feelings, fantastic idea. While it doesn’t fit with the next song arc, which is supposed to be based around (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay, and the rumored ideas Otis Redding had for that album had he not died. However, there’s so many things that could come out of anger of not being with his family, Punk, Metal, Grunge, Post-Grunge, etc., fantastic idea.

I don’t mean to trash your criticism after thanking you for it, despite my defense, so I thank you for the criticism, and have a nice day. You’ve definitely helped me.

10288361
It's no trouble, and your points make sense. Thanks for being a good sport about it.

well, this is nice, hope it isnt dead

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