- Member Since 3rd May, 2020
- offline last seen April 12th
Ryoup
The eternal search for an editor/pre-reader never ends. Also trying to improve my writing every day.
Ryoup
Joined 3rd May, 2020 ·
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Sequels1
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Ryoup · 66k words · 24 5 · 873 views
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interesting start, this already earned a tracking from me as long as a like.
My friend, this is not the type of story you should be introducing yourself to fimfiction with. Do another round of editing, pick something a little lighter. Dark can be a wonderful way of exploring larger themes and topics other stories might not be able to touch on...for more experienced authors. If I were you, I'd start with something a little lighter. And I'd keep it in editing for a while longer.
I'm all for villian(s) stories. It's refreshing to get away from the protagonist. But the spelling is quite troubling
It's almost as if you wrote the story drunk or you were fallen asleep but fighting to stay up.
Hmm.
I don't know what to say about this story, I'll track it for now.
10218152
thanks, well, about the spelling, well, i'll do my best!
I didn't see many big errors, but let me help you here a bit:
whenever you make a character speak, give it its own line, see that bold part? Instead of making it part of that paragraph, it should be like this:
also, here I see a few spelling errors: "PONIE" - pony; 'yers" - years; Also, every "i" must be capitalized. for these small errors, I recomend using Word, as It can automatically inform you of them.
Edit: I know that I shouldn't do this, but could you guys spare a minute to look into my profile? I'm in the process of making two new stories that I think that you guys would like, they happen in the same universe, but with different protagonists, also please take a look at my story "Getting out of Hell", only two chapters at the moment, but I'm doing the third right now ( about 90% finished ) and I'm planning on making 3 more before uploading them.
10218185
OK! Thanks for everything, I'll fix it as soon as possible! and at the moment I'm not reading anything so why not?
10218229
Also, don't let the downvotes take you down, I've seen other stories earned many downvotes when they started, but the balance changed as they received more chapters
10218251
it does not shake me, I do not write stories to win likes, I do it because I like it, the likes I get are just a bonus !!!
besides, I think these dislike are because, well, a mother exchanging hooves for her children? genocide of all the characters that appeared on the show and were given a name?
perhaps
looks like he was forced into new game+ which overrode his previous save state.
Its like an undertale run after doing a genocide run previously, maybe pinkie pie/sans will comment on it later.
derpicdn.net/img/2017/6/29/1474060/medium.png
10218516
perhaps? interesting idea, I liked how you think, a person of culture I see
10218005
Its not 'my friend'... its My Boi!!!!
10218152
More like that sweet Mexican black tar herion...
nice to see him handling his new game plus with as much dignity as possible, on the other hand its going to inadvertently help him since they'll simply thing he's crazy or mentally unstable. IF they break out the mind magic they wouldn't be able to trust his knowledge of the future or his instability would let them know its impossible to try. The same could apply for dream magic for Luna oversteps her bounds and travels into the human's dreams.
so his equestria was evil and he ajustid and won and now he is in a normal one where they are assuming he is the monster in the scenasrio. is this what happend
10221841
perhaps? you guys really liked the idea of new game plus, well ... isn't that so wrong, maybe? nahh
reminds me of those times when you accidentally made the game much harder, Miranda could've lied or did what Damian did, they wouldn't have expected the stain glass window escape again in the row.
Also nice to see Celestia putting the pieces together barring a few misunderstandings not helped by freaking out, past memories, or things getting fucked sideways by the revelation of horn hunting existing in this equestria.
Luckily Discord decided to nope out of this situation and watch from the sidelines probably with some popcorn to enjoy the show.
10222004
was that a problem, ignoring discord or not? if he was there I don't see Damian running away, so it will take a while for him to appear and it's not like he's on vacation or something
10222042
nope, just makes things more interesting as to how Damian and Miranda are going to get out of this alive, not imprisoned, or any other horrible fate like enslavement.
Just assumed Discord brought them here and will continue to assume so until its explained in story.
That or he's off-screen fighting whatever brought Damian and Miranda here to this equestria.
I like this pony, she knows how to play the game.
Umm, what the hell is even this story? I couldnt even follow one piece of it! Its a jumbled mess
10222586
sorry for misspellings! I'm going to review the chapters, now if it's about the rhythm of the story, well, the beginning is really confuse.
politics + frendship everyone
To their world or the throne room?
Why to the dungeons?
10223538
hmmm it got really vague, i'll fix it, now the question of the dungeons ... i believe it will be explained later, it will take a while but it will be.
10223538
cause this celestia needs to cause Damian to sink into darkness to the point he's willing and actually succeeds in killing them.
10223579
The problem is that from earlier chapters, these princesses were portrayed as psychopaths (where Twilight trumps them all).
Now in this flashback, Celestia is portrayed as a levelheaded ruler, up until she sends him to the dungeon.
It is this part that confuses me.
Of course I know that this is the basic ''a monster of their own creation''', that makes him into the villain in this story.
Maybe it is because she wants to sweep under the rug, what she believes to be
comean unpopular decision?I don't know.
10223705
Psychopathy is traditionally a personality disorder characterized by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, disinhibited, and egotistical traits. It is sometimes considered synonymous with sociopathy.
Sociopathy refers to a pattern of antisocial behaviors and attitudes, including manipulation, deceit, aggression, and a lack of empathy for others.
Did Celestia show any empathy or remorse when she basically told him she was cutting off all ways for him to return back to his family, it seems she only told him she's work on sending him back home in order to prevent him from acting against them which meant she manipulated his desire to return home to have him avoid violence while at the same time researching everything about humanity that she disliked about humanity. Being a thousand years old, that would mean she has some antisocial behaviors that probably got passed to twilight when she was mentoring her that led to her surpassing her teacher in this regard.
this celestia starts to care more when she learns that Damian killed her, I think that's an ego problem.
on the other hand none of them are asking the really important questions, its more like trying to find out how they died then ask important questions like why they're doing what they're doing, asking about end goals, or how they even got there in the first place. Then again none of them are interrogators so they can get a pass for now.
so miranda told them the spell was flawed and they ignore her and it ends with twilights death now? i now see how this was able to happen it seems that luna and celestia had masive luck till now and now it is a fair fight they dont know how
oh crap, he has pills that help him make difficult moral problems, luckily that was the last one and he's going to have to make his morally questionable decisions without his stash now. If twilight was the worst then Flurry heart is the best judging by this chapter.
during reading this, a question had popped up, 'who taught him how to use unicorn horns.
Seems like him being imprisoned lead to learning a lot of useful things is my best guess.
10225503
let's just say he is ... a natural.
well, answers the question of how he killed DIscord.
Any chance of him riding Miranda's mom makes him miranda's dad or is it the boring way via adoption or non blood relations. If her mom's dead then ignore this comment cause it'd be kinda fucked up making fun of the dead.
worst version of twenty questions I've ever seen, it's not fun when only one side is playing.
oh damian, seems like there's a price for the power that you have.
Price/cost + power = something demonic usally
10228847
*worst version of twenty questions I've ever seen, it's not fun when only one side is playing.*
what? sorry did not understand.
is it a story?
10229866
In the traditional game, one player is chosen to be the answerer. That person chooses a subject (object) but does not reveal this to the others. All other players are questioners. They each take turns asking a question which can be answered with a simple "Yes" or "No." In variants of the game, multiple state answers may be included such as the answer "Maybe."
pinkie is the answerer and Damian is the questioner, except he didn't feel like playing and decided to forfeit the game by killing pinkie pie.
for a fanfic version I'd say 'Why me' or 'beyond thy grave'
since both involve a game of twenty questions which was quite entertaining to read.
~I take a pill, one left, good my dear, you come with me, seriously, of all the things Twilight did with me, and well, it paid off, I never thought I would use one of them, I mean, five of them, and I couldn't use all of them !~
~I swallow the pill, I hear that demon scream something, but it doesn't matter, it's gone, I can feel the effects starting, some things are already changing color, everything seems to happen faster, background screaming noises become bigger, and hesitation gone.~
The mystery of what these magical pills are continues and its intriguing along with where is he getting them.
10229997
ok thx!
nice to know Discord is still alive and nice to know Cadance is being the voice of reason. She's being best pony of this story even in Damian's former equestria.
I also have no words for Celestia's ego or is it pride, either way thought or hoped that learning about her death in another equestria would humble her.
There has been some headway into understanding this is a different equestria so when Damian and Miranda can meet up the two can learn that fact since one's being rather entertaining and the other wants her dad like any child missing their parent.
By Faust what are we going to do ?!
how about trying to defuse the situation by reuniting parent and child or make things worst.
The current mood that I'm in I want things to go south fast, probably going to regret it later if things do go horribly since it seems like forces behind this new game+ want things to head towards rated m towards rated t.
only evidence I have of this is that no one important in this new equestria has died yet.
10233918
*only evidence I have of this is that no one important in this new equestria has died yet.* we will se...
nice to know Celestia was cool while still showing signs of being arrogant before she screwed Damian over.
Luna's guilty conscience was getting to her so she was trying to get to know Damian more or at least that's my guess.
Twilight got everything she needed to know and discarded him to move on to the next project or hers.
what I'm trying to say is that the last few paragraphs did make Celestia and Luna seem somewhat remorseful for their actions to some extend.
It also explains that Celestia decided to double down on her fuck up by sending Damian to the dungeon.
They also quite possibly didn't let Twilight know about it which only fueled Damian's anger towards her as it seems she oly used him to gain as much knowledge as she could then discarded him.
at least he didn't come off as an edge lord.
also can I assume that Alternate Luna had something to do with Miranda's body.
the fact that miranda knows how to break Luna's magical inhibitors is the only proof so far.
oh and that she knows more Luna more than the other princesses.
Your grammar and spelling is beyond abysmal.
10240051
sorry, I'm going to review the story now that I have some free time.
if alternate celestia and co were evil then alternate chrysalis might be good?
this is the mindset I'm in with regards to the encounter with alternate chrysalis.
those hints of miranda's mom just riles me up for that chapter, oh and should remark on the chapter which was about Damian casually losing his sanity like the thing with the castle.
10243503
*Whistles discreetly*