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FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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“Ponyville trembled at the sounds of my rocket, and they will tremble again, at the sound of our silence!” Scootaloo proudly declared.
“Scootaloo, why did we launch our super CMC Sub in the smallest pond in Ponyville?” Aplebloom wasn't particularly impressed.
“I thought it was a good idea at the time!” Scootaloo was indignant.
“Sshh! I can hear something on the 'phones!” Sweetie Belle hushed them, eagerly eavesdropping.
...I need sleep.
I really hope there's more Gallus and Silverstream content in the future.
This was great. It was affectionate, sweet, and steamy all rolled together. That it was so well written and kept everycreature in character made the story even better.
The possibility for sequels is nice too.
Definite vote for that second experiment. ;)
And for these three sweeties getting some more fun together long term - they're adorable!
Please tell me we’re going to get more of this, the Gallus tag team or maybe a double date with Yona and Sandbar?
I wonder what kind of experiment result Ocellus getting from this and how it effect the whole Changeling social. Maybe they might start threesome or selfcest business because of this? To fulfill somepony fantasy of fuck two of their lover at once...or fuck genderbend version of themselve. XD
10237159
While a changeling could make a business like that for financial gain, or perhaps for fun, there wouldn't be much motivation from a standpoint of siphoning love (for a reformed changeling) because they aren't drawn to love given off by strangers. They can tell it's there, but it's "Muted" in a sense and they don't need it to survive. It only seems to hold an attraction if coming from close friends.
I might continue this story after the competition is over (it certainly could benefit from cold proofreading- I didn't have time to wait a day or two before going over it before the submission deadline). If I do there will be an interlude chapter where they discuss the results of this phase of the experiment, amongst other things.
10237181
Than I guess I want to see Gallus make love to Ocellus as her true-self too while Silverstream also here, another experiment just to comepare with this chapter. (Likely to see how different between disguise and non-disguise.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Fun sequel hook at the end.
-I like how they’re not quite perfect at disguising which one’s which. That lets their character shine through a bit.
-Nice, straightforward clopfic that does a lot right.
-Quite a few gammar issues. Pretty sloppy. Some examples:
--
continuing its' day-- misplaced apostrophe.--
a super spy!” The excitable seapony exclaimed.-- improper capitalization.--
not quite..” Ocellus was quite quietDouble period ... plus an overwhelming abundance of quite quiet quiteness.--
anycreature really.” “Not that we don't trust-- wrong punctuation for continuing dialog of one character across paragraph break.--
***-- not centered.--
words, “ a-- extra space.--
what's up?” The blue gryphon asked,-- incorrect capitalization, and also Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.-A bit confusing at times with the two Silverstreams when the story tries to specify which one it’s talking about.
-Great pacing, good level of detail.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 93/100
Allure: 80/100
Enticement: 90/100
Immersion: 85/100
Prose Quality: 70/100
Total Score: 418/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10242856
Thanks for the review!
I suspect a lot of the more stupid errors would have been picked up had I left it two days and proofread it again before publishing, but I doubt I would have picked up problems with speech (I normally write technical reports and need to really brush up on grammar in prose). These sorts of reviews are one of the best ways to help me improve. I've also well and truly fallen into "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome", it's also really bad in another story that I'm writing. There is going to be a lot of reading done to figure out how to mitigate the issue.
I was going for it to be confusing as to who is who but trying to leave just enough information in there so going back through it carefully you could piece it together. Honestly that is where I thought this whole thing could come crashing down from biting off far more than I could chew.
Very happy with the scores though, especially given this was an absolutely rushed job by my standards.
I totoally guessed which "Silverstream" was real, as only one of them was experienced enough to prevent Gallus from knotting... twice. (I don't remember if he knotted in the first story, but I can't imagine it's really all that pleasant for a female whose body isn't meant to do that.)
Fun!
Well, this was an unexpected pleasure
Edit: Any chance of another chapter with Smolder (or Occelus disguised as Smolder) getting in on the action?
Love the details on both the romance and the sex
Would REALLY love to see more chapters to this.
Heh, now that's an interesting take on transformation. Just don't tell them Ocellus is basically wearing a potential form of his offspring. 😂or maybe he understood?
Wait, did Silverstream go out without cleaning after all that? A simple brush-down wouldn't have diminished the smell! 🙃
I want double the gallus. Naaaooohhww :p
11065902
Apologies for the extraordinarily late reply! I thought about it then forgot about it. My guess is she divebombed the lake on the way through or something.
11163402
Heh no worries, we don't expect competed stories to get replies all that much.
They still haven't done the experiment where she turns into Gallus for Silverstream, complete with contemplation of what it's like for her to turn into a male.
I would like that a lot
Will we get to see Ocellus transform into a copy of Gallus and they both double team Silverstream
11407999
Possibly. But I would like to tackle themes of Gallus not being as comfortable with the idea upfront and needing reassurance about it all. Which honestly involves a lot of skill to pull off and the field is littered with minefields of offending all sorts of people so It's not something that would be out soon.