- Member Since 5th May, 2016
- offline last seen 11 hours ago
TheManOfMadness
I'm not mad. Madness is me!
TheManOfMadness
Joined 5th May, 2016 ·
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Imagine the Dazzlings living in Sunset's place.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Always fun watching these girls be catty with one another.
-
“Towel.” She demanded-- incorrect dialog punctuation.-
her cum covered hand-- needs a hyphen.-
Aria place her hand-- this one needs to be given the 'd'.-
She then moved to unbutton her top, “Now, as soon as-- improper dialog tag.-Tension remains high throughout the fic, but that kind of gets overwhelming. This story is trying to go 100% at all times. It could help to have a few pauses to cool down before escalating things to an even higher level ... to have more varied pacing.
-
her blue lover’sthe blue girl’sher blue sister-- is Sonata being blue important to this scene? No? Then replace 'blue' with a more important and more helpful adjective each time. Or just use her name more often.-
one that clearly displayed Adagio’s intentions and desire.-- a bit too far on the telling side of things; it would be better to describe the kiss physically in order to show these things.-When you get into the actual sex part of the sex scenes, you tend to write massive long paragraphs. They could be broken up some.
-The sex scenes tend to progress as 'this happend and then that happened' rather than 'this happened because that happened'. It's kind of a sequence of events/actions instead of a back-and-forth between two lovers. The last sex scene gets better about this; it's more applicable to the earlier ones.
-The final orgasm should probably be played up more and described with plenty of length and detail, since it's the climax of the story.
-Additional post-climax cooldown scene would be helpful. The story ends very quickly after the last climax.
-It's adorable how in-charge and yet needy Adagio is.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 86/100
Allure: 80/100
Enticement: 40/100
Immersion: 80/100
Prose Quality: 84/100
Total Score: 370/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10249328
Thank you. This is a fair review that will definitely help me in the future. Ironically, some of the concerns I had when writing this was making the sex scenes too short and overuse of the girls’ names. Clearly I need to work on finding the right balance. Obviously, though, my biggest issue was enticement. Got any tips on how to improve that?
10251953
The enticement score is a tricky thing ... and maybe I shouldn’t have included it in the scoring at all. It mostly comes down to having an interesting or original concept and/or something that really grabs the imagination.
Edit: And there’s nothing really wrong with the length of the sex scenes ... just the length of some of the paragraphs within them. You could keep everything exactly the same and just add a few more paragraph breaks and that would help a lot.
Also, nothing wrong with giving details instead of names ... but you should choose details that help the story.
Very sweet