Twilight Sparkle's Field Oberservations on Draconequus Mating Habits

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Comments ( 7 )

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PrincessTwilightSparkle1

PrincessTwilightSparkle1 #1 · Apr 29th, 2020 · · ·

Well, Discord, you only have yourself to blame. Well done. I enjoyed this very much.

Lore Horse

Lore Horse #2 · Apr 30th, 2020 · · ·

Talk about a study in the practice of revenge.

Autumnblazelover61

Autumnblazelover61 #3 · Apr 30th, 2020 · · ·

But Twilight... where are your wings?

LunaJack

LunaJack #4 · May 16th, 2020 · 2 · ·

I laughed through this one. This was like reading a British Sex Comedy!

dirty little secret

dirty little secret #5 · May 26th, 2020 · · ·

This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.

------ Review ------

Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Nice touch how Twilight keeps interrupting them to make measurements.
-no problem Twi, -- needs a comma after 'problem'.
-"Well," Discord huffed, "whatever it is, I hope you appreciate me taking time from my very busy schedule to come here and assist you, my dear princess." -- nobody could 'huff' that entire sentence, not even Discord.
-"I'm sure," Twilight said as she rolled her eyes, "it sounds to me like that just means you have nothing to actually do." -- Should be a period after 'eyes' and 'it' should be capitalized, since the second half of the dialog is a new sentence.
-Lot's of species -- needs less apostrophe.
-Some pervasive issues with dialog punctuation and attributions.
-"Have you ever tried to do nothing, princess?" Discord asked. -- she really should have brought up the fact that yes, she did once try to do nothing, back in Season 2. And she would have done it, too, if it wasn't for that meddling Spike.
-for too long, Discord," Twilight smiled -- improper dialog tag.
-Wait, Fluttershy isn't shy about sex? She's shy about everything! That's like ... her thing.
-Nobody's going to ask if Fluttershy is okay with her boyfriend fucking Twilight?
-The ending is kind of cute and hilarious, even if it does leave the reader as blue-balled as Discord.
-And it's nice how the ending recontextualizes the rest of the story.

------ Scores ------

To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 85/100
Allure: 95/100
Enticement: 95/100
Immersion: 89/100
Prose Quality: 75/100
Total Score: 439/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.

Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!

UsagiLadybugQuinn