• Published 25th Apr 2020
  • 2,086 Views, 23 Comments

The Immaculate Deflection - Liquid Truth



What do you do when you're ridiculously fertile? As in '95% chance of pregnancy for every intercourse, minimum'? For Celestia, she handles it like she does every other problem: make it somepony else's.

  • ...
25
 23
 2,086

Emerald Bulldozer

Not even Shining Armor understood how Cadance did that, and Shining Armor knew everything. Shining Armor knew everything about his wife but how she could carry a portable apocalypse in her womb and how she could always get away with cheating on him. Shining Armor could not understand how she could carry a portable apocalypse in her womb because he did not know that he didn’t create that portable apocalypse with her, and Shining Armor did not know how she could always get away with cheating on him because she could always get away with cheating on him.

Shining Armor was a former Captain of the Royal Guard and the best shield-caster in all of Equestria. He knew just about everything there is to know about shield-casting and shield-penetrating and the only reason he did not know everything else about shield-casting and shield-penetrating was because he was too busy with his nerdy collections. He understood perfectly how war works after centuries without any war whatsoever because he played too many Ogres and Oubliettes and managed to break it down to exact science, and he understood perfectly how to handle threats to his beloved country because he didn’t know at all about how to handle threats to his beloved country.

In short, Shining Armor was an incompetent piece of shit. He was a big-hearted incompetent piece of shit that could rant at length about how to play with uncertain outcomes and rant at more length about how a game with certain outcomes was not a game worth playing. Everypony knew he was going to come out as best from the Royal Guards Academy, and everypony not in the Royal Guards Academy knew that he was an incompetent piece of shit because he came out of the Royal Guards Academy, while everypony in the Royal Guards Academy thought that he was an annoying nerd. Nopony liked him.

In fact, everypony loathed his mere presence. Everypony who did not loath his mere presence were either the ones that would, or Twilight Sparkle. It was because of this that he loved his sister so much, and why his sister avoided being in a room alone with him at any cost. It was also because of this that his parents hired a foalsitter for Twilight, and why they’re so worried about Cadance’s wellbeing when she dated their colt. They did not worry about her wellbeing anymore when she got two huge tumors on her back, and instead freaked out on a daily basis.

They calmed down, however, when they found out that Cadance had been cheating on him. Cadance had had a lot of sex with a lot of different stallions and mares and every other conceivable gender, and she only giggled when news came out that the Children of the Wind had recently been born with pink coats. She stopped giggling when she met her aunt, and instead laughed out loud together. That is, until Celestia told her to only have sex with white stallions for the sake of maintaining a homogenous coat color among the Royal Guards. That or use a condom, which she loathed to use, and that's only available for stallions anyway.

While she was upset, she quickly remembered that she was dating an incompetent piece of shit with white coat color, and remembered how, as incompetent as he was at everything else, he was the best in bed. It was just that he’s so good at sex that extremely good sex got monotonous, so she would at times seek sex with sexually-incompetent virgin stallions just so she could appreciate Shining Armor’s only competency left.

“But what about the prince?” cried Emerald Bulldozer, a crystal pony guard that happened to not live to his name and instead had a white crystalline coat.

Cadance clicked her tongue. “Shining Armor is an incompetent piece of shit. He wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t find out.”

“He’d be upset if he does!”

“Not if you keep your big damn mouth shut and get your glittery crystal dick inside me.”

And then they fucked, and nine months later an apocalypse was born. She named him Peridot Trinitrotoluene, and he was the first-ever Child of the Wind that was a crystal pony. His mother immediately denounced him and sent him straight into the Royal Guards Academy after he blew up half her house at the age of three months.

Around nine months before that also, Cadance taught Luna how to competently have homosexual intercourse after she got a lot of complaints about her lack of sexual skills. And nine months after that, Flurry Heart was born, while on the other end of Equestria, another Child of the Wind got a pink coat.

“I thought you had the spell running!?”

Cadance laughed at Luna’s face. “I stopped it. Just that once.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Now I know how to handle pregnancy.”

Luna scoffed and gave her five bits.

“Wanna do it again sometime?”

“If by ‘sometime’ you mean ‘now’, then yes.”

And then they scissor-fucked, and nine months later two Children of the Wind got a pink coat and a blue coat respectively. Celestia was furious, and for this, from that day forward Luna asked Cadance for sexual intercourses as often as their schedules let them, and fifteen years after that the Royal Guards Academy got their first actually competent graduates who coincidentally did not have white coat colors. Luckily, at that time the newly-inaugurated Princess Twilight Sparkle had opened up the Royal Guards Academy for other species too, so the incompetent ones did not get too much attention from the public.

Around that time also did Celestia, now free of her royal duties and full of regret of her past mistakes, asked Cadance to teach her how to have sex with ponies of the same sex.

“I thought you’re heterosexual?”

“Yes, but I also want to have Twilight freak out when a ‘Child of the Wind’ got a mix of our color palettes.”

Exactly eight years and nine months after that, Twilight was stuck at Luster Dawn’s birthday party. She enjoyed it, though, and that made Celestia upset that her intricately-crafted prank backfired.

Twilight snickered and bopped Celestia’s muzzle. “She’s such a cute filly, you know that? And very good at magic.” She smiled fondly at the filly, currently running around in a game of tag with her friends that she would later estrange as she became more and more immersed in her studies.

“You didn’t make her hatch an egg.”

“It didn’t take me long to notice she’s your daughter. I’m just curious how genetically competent you are.”

Celestia smiled smugly. Then frowned. “Wait, how did you find out, exactly? She has no color on her that’s from my palette whatsoever.”

Twilight smiled smugly and bopped Celestia’s muzzle. “First, there’s no way Cadance would go so low as to ask Sunburst out. Second, you used to have an orange mane, didn’t you?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then explain how you taste like oranges?”

“I absolutely do not taste like oranges!”

Twilight bopped her muzzle. “Cadance said that, and I say she knows a little bit more about ‘tastes’ than you do because she invented it.”

Celestia sighed in defeat.

Twilight leaned in and whispered at Celestia’s ear, “Wanna do it sometime?”

“I’m not gay.”

She bopped her. “But you can be gay.”

Celestia punched her in the face.

Later that day Twilight learned how Celestia tasted like oranges with a hint of cotton candy. She also learned how good Celestia was with ropes.

And nine months after that, Cozy Glow was born, but the Royal Guards Academy hated her so much they sent her back to the past as an orphaned megalomaniacal piece of shit. Upon hearing about this, Twilight banished the guy that sent her back to the past to even further back to the past, then later regretted everything she had done that led to that moment when she learned that his name was Rusty Compass.

Celestia laughed and bopped her muzzle.

Twilight punched her in the face. “Keep your big damn mouth shut, Celestia.”

“Or what?”

She bit her lip and scoffed. “Fuck you.”

And then they fucked again. This created Flash Sentry, but that's irrelevant. You only needed to know that he grew up to be a dope after being sent to the past by Cadance, which made her regret everything that she had done that led her to that moment.

Author's Note:

I'm catching twenty-two different levels of fun.

Comments ( 14 )

At first, I understood. And now I'm lost.

( - _ - ' )

wait, wait, wait. I read a blog about this idea earlier today. How does this fanfic already exist?

Everypony knew he was going to come out as best from the Royal Guards Academy, and everypony not in the Royal Guards Academy knew that he was an incompetent piece of shit because he came out of the Royal Guards Academy, while everypony in the Royal Guards Academy thought that he was an annoying nerd. Nopony liked him.

I think I detect some authorial bias.

Well, at least he wasn't named Peridot Foof...

Ah. The bias may not have been against Shining, per se.

Delightful if somewhat vindictive bit of goofiness, and a very impressive turnaround time. Thank you for it.

10200060
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10200063
Nah, Shining Armor is a fine character. I just needed a victim. And a Clevinger.

And nine months after that, Cozy Glow was born, but the Royal Guards Academy hated her so much they sent her back to the past as an orphaned megalomaniacal piece of shit. Upon hearing about this, Twilight banished the guy that sent her back to the past to even further back to the past, then later regretted everything she had done that led to that moment when she learned that his name was Rusty Compass.

Oh.

Oh my.

Does this count as an incestuous closed time loop?

This was a fun crackfic.

Wait, does this mean Rarity might be one of Celestia's and that she then much later in life slept with Twilight to produce a descendant of Celestia upon Twilight. Because if so, that's damn sexy.

ROBCakeran53
Moderator

Oh dear. :D

So she's the ubermare answer to the cuckoo bird?

This is a masterpiece :rainbowlaugh:

Forcing strangers to get pregnant, tho.

10200660
10200672
10200682

I agree.
Also, fitting avatar picture.

Everything in this was written so terribly. And Yet, I couldn't look away...

Login or register to comment