- Member Since 1st Jul, 2015
- online
Omegathyst
Female Writer, Bisexual Writer, Smolder X Mare Crackship Connoisseur. Creator of the Smolderverse, and writer of many other kinds of clop and SFW stories (Commissions temporarily OPEN)
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Some Leech · 7k words · 59 19 · 1.5k views
Featured In9
The Fillyfoolers3,946 stories ·3,488 members
Futaquestria2,536 stories ·6,257 members
My Little Fetish16,594 stories ·8,566 members
Marshmallow Shipping276 stories ·241 members
Stories on Goodreads28,599 stories ·492 members
- Stories between 0 and 5,000 words long3,212 stories ·216 members
Celestia's Reign423 stories ·126 members
Female Writers799 stories ·83 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.121 seconds
Total duration
1,050 users online
1,893,980 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Cute cover!
10197104
Thank you, it was such a great find on short notice
Do I smell a *sniff sniff* sequel?
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-It's cute seeing Twilight's embarassment in the beginning, even if it's not totally clear why.
-
“Whoops,” Dash snickered.awesome existence,” Dash smirked.darling,” Rarity rolled her eyes-- improper dialog tags.-Very short and rushed.
-A fic this short really should have skipped right to the part where Celestia shows Pinkie the desserts, making more room for the important parts.
-It's cute and hot to think of Celestia planning on fucking her way through the Mane 6 -- that really helps the enticement score.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 67/100
Allure: 12/100
Enticement: 85/100
Immersion: 50/100
Prose Quality: 80/100
Total Score: 294/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
Going through the stories I've had on my read list for the better part of a year or more and now it's your turn.
Given the canon example of ponies being very bad at spelling, I can completely understand Pinkie's confusion. I'm not sure if you're referencing the show directly but I'm giving you credit regardless.
Comma after 'Oh'.
Not really my thing when ponies talk like low-status humans but I see the value in it. Grudgingly, I'll admit Rainbow Dash does seem more the type to talk this way if we assume ponies speak in a raunchy manner off-camera.
Oh shit! There are breakfast-themed cakes? I want one!
I love when people add food porn to their actual porn.
Who were you expecting, Margeret Thatcher?
Bold use of show-accurate physics. Though, this does clash with the earlier Rainbow Dash scene. I'm curious why you didn't just stick with the show-accurate innocence throughout. I do find this style rather charming at times.
It really does clash pretty badly having profanity in this.
Missing period.
It's generally considered bad form to double-up on descriptive metaphors like "shots of marecum shooting". You should consider employing a synonymous noun form of 'shot' instead. This is also a pristine example of imprecise, bloated sentence structure with many words existing for their own sake and not providing context for the action being described.
Here's how I'd write it instead:
On one final note: The word 'shoot' is something you want to avoid unless you're describing the action of a discharging weapon such as a gun or crossbow. There are so many better words to employ when describing liquid action scenes like this.
Good note to close out on, letting us imagine the sex that's in store for the rest of the Mane Six.
Overall, I found the sex scene lacked crucial detail and found the pacing pretty rushed. It's good to slow things down when writing sex. If the sort of sentimental shite I'm prone to writing isn't your thing, you can precisely describe the anatomy or detail each sensation either of the two ponies are feeling. As a story, this frankly ain't nearly as bad as most short fetish clops I've read. It got the car moving down the road to its final destination. As someone who values story over sex, I respect the hell of that.
I can't find it in me to vote one way or the other so have my comment instead. Have a good day, Omegathyst.