Valeomega
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I'm confused... Why wouldn't things change?
I think you need to practice more at breaking up your run-on sentences. For example, you wrote:
"Stay back i can handle it" Henry said as he stood up fighting through the pain and warm sensation "Doctor am i free to move around" Henry asked causing all within the room to look at him in a mixture of shock and worry.
The paragraph would flow more smoothly as follows:
"Stay back! I can handle it," Henry insisted. He stood, fighting through the odd combination of agonizing pain and comforting warmth before looking up. "Doctor? Am I free to move around?" Every pony within earshot looked at him with a mixture of shock and worry.
Things to do to improve your writing. 1) Insert punctuation to break up the sentences and place emphasis on particular lines of dialogue. 2) Capitalize the First Person Singular pronoun, I. 3) Trim out repetitive or unnecessary words.
Okay, that said you have the beginnings of an interesting story. Don't let it be dragged down by poor syntax and grammar. And for heaven's sake, keep working at it.
Interesting, but you really need an editor.
10196036
Yeah. I sadly don't know if that is going to be easy. Still I do hope I find somepony.
10196281
I wish you luck with it. Looking forward to the next chapter regardless.
10196284
Thanks Buddy and I'll try.
10195488
I don't know just thought I'd have to add that to info just incase and as a little foreshadowing.
10195948
I will do my best and I put your pointers as a sticky note on my screen.
10196300
Gee... and here I thought sticky notes were only used to cover up the naughty bits. LOL. Work at it and the skill will come. And keep reading. The more you read the good stuff, the easier it is to see how it's done.
I'm falling in love with this story, there are some words missing in places, but thankfully the context of the story makes working through it easy.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
10206121
Thanks sorry English ain't my main language and I'm Still looking for a editor and proofreader since. Well let's just say an overworked nerd +sleep deprivation doesn't make a good cognitive writer
Genius and madness are not mutually exclusive. Hell, most creative types are at least a little cracked.
10206935
Hmm an unexpected wise comment I see you enjoy philosophy. tips hat
Great chapter
10210335
Thanks
im assuming that meant to be hit list
always liked this kind of story but they always seem to end up abandoned, hope you do plenty more it good so far
able to be compared to a dessert while I overexert myself i think you meant desert
Welp let's get to reading, i've seen enough "I've turned into Blueblood" fics to at least give it a chance (I'm no fun of Blueblood by any means but some of them are fr*kin awesome)
10218515
Yeah well i'll try my best
10217084
Don't worry it won't get abandoned got a main story draft and a hole lot else already ready just work is getting in the way lately.
Well I gotta say. You make Benjamin Walker from the 'Homefront the Revolution' video game look like a pawn in your way with words. Nice job man.
10222815
Thanks I am not so certain of my own choice of words and English isn't my first language but I am happy for the compliment and that you enjoy it
Je interesting, this story got me intrigue, and this is a subject that is not that common in the fan base, but I'm happy to see more of them popping out.
Great start, I can't wait to see what else you have in store, and who knows? Maybe if an idea pops up, maybe I might PM you message, about referring something here in my own story. Je 'the club of the reformed princes'. That sounds like fun
Also, you at times say that Blueblood was the princesses cousins, or nephew. Which one is he?
10228276
Well if I'd have to follow cannon it would the Princesses would be his great (xthousands of generations) aunt's because of having connection to their bloodline. He just calls them auntie. And as nephew means the son or daughter of a brother they rever to him as such. I mean if you were celestia would you wanna be called great great great (a hole lot of more greats) aunt Tia. As to why it such terms and the nickname of Bluey or The title of prince for such a long distance relative is used well. It will be addressed later on in the story.
10228336
That explains, and it looks like you and me, had the same thought writing this story. If Both Luna and Celestia are his aunts. Then how does their family tree work? It an interest subject right?
10228360
Well probably either adopted or blood relations from celestia's parents their side. And then the long as family chain from many generations gone by since alicorns live long like hell. And because of family ties and common vision of a harmonious and unified and peaceful Equestria that has been shared through generation of Blueblood family. I can imagine Celestia and Luna were close to them since family doesn't treat them like immortal goddess. And most likely when Luna was banished Celestia and Bluebloods ancestors comforted one another for they both lost family but I shall not write all my notes here on what that entails and how it affects the story since it would be spoiling to much :p
10228379
Yeah good thing, I will do the same. But yeah it an interested subject none the less, sometimes I wish they had expanded it in the show after Rarity said 'princess Celestia Nephew' but hey. That is were we came from
10228387
Yep though I didn't just take the show in account but the comics a little bit. One of them showing Blueblood helping shining armour with trading deals with the yaks. Though I'll try and keep comic influences to a minimal. It basically shows he his talents in diplomatic relationship plus the well cutie mark being a compass rose made me think alot. Since a compass and compass rose has held many meanings over the years
10228396
Oh yeah, it can be the north star of direction, the compass to oriented, and other options. And I know of the comic, you talk about. It interesting because if I remember correctly, Blueblood is not malicious but rather straight forward and kind of socially awkward, which explain his behaviour. He even show regret for what he did to Rarity I think.
Other an spin off, show how he manage to defeat Nightmare Moon when Celestia send him to ponyville instead of Twilight. Over all, there are ideas here and there.
Also since this is before the wedding, I'm wondering if in your universe Cadence was adopted and like in the comics earn her wings when she was a filly or she is like Blueblood sister. You don't need to answer if that is a plan for the future.
Well, plot premise is definitely interesting.
Do you write it using text to speech? Some sentences are phonetically sound, but when you read them you can see that incorrect words are being used.
Overall rating for this story is now positive, but propper grammar is a must.
10230233
Well I try my best I still need an editor and English ain't my main language. Add my mostly exhausted state to it sort of causes more issues. I only write for fun but I try to make the chapters as good as I can :p.
i wonder why celestia was worryd when she saw the bat? fear or history repeating itself?
Didn't this story used to have more chapters?
SKY DOGGO IS BEST DOGGO!
That is all, PEACE!
10250698
Nah you're thinking of humble prince... or whatever the name is
love the story hop you keep it going.
10251255
Yes sky doggos rule
10251304
Thank you Buddy
Dude, to read your fic is PAINFUL ; in the entire chapter you haven't used even a single comma, or colons, or semi-colons, only full stops dude, that is so messed up; there were plenty of places it needed some of those, together with a rewrite of the text to get it correctly; dude, don't write straight from your head, and edit your text or you won't be getting much attention.
My small comment have plenty of commans and punctuation, please do the same.
10251373
I love this story but I agree. It’s a little annoying to not have comma’s...
Keep up the work as it’s a good story
This was quite enjoyable and very adorable. *Sips Tea* I eagerly await further updates
10289087
Well it doesn't have to be all work for Henry :p
Also I'm happy you like it. I'm currently overviewing the draft of the next chapter while attempting to focus to make it more readable for people , using more commas etc.
10289437
It is very good indeed to hear there is more on the way *Sips Tea* thank you for the update. 😺
10250508
Spoilers but I'd say go theorising :p
10289442
Well yeah ofc I will continue and well don't thank me yet since well you know where chapter 4 left off :p
To be fair a cockatrice would be absolutely terrifying. Animal instincts are to make eye contact when something looks at you, so it basically is a creature that guarantees death barring incredibly specific preparations.