A brony from Indiana who writes fanfics about magical horse toys for fun. PM me to come into my roleplaying discord server!
An age-old threat looms over Equestria, one said to be myth and legend. However, not all ponies are so naive.
Sunset Shimmer, student of Princess Celestia and unicorn prodigy, is sent to Ponyville against her wishes to oversee preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. Sunset knows of the legend of Nightmare Moon. And even if others don't see it, she believes that she'll return.
So why is she being sent for an important task to make friends?
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I like how you’ve conveyed Sunset’s arrogance, but this chapter goes too quickly.
10196154
I'm going through the first two quickly since the show itself ran through it quickly. Nightmare Moon will have more pace to it, however.
This and the previous chapter could easily be combined into one.
I don't like Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in general, but this is a bad case of telling instead of showing. You SAY Sunset is egotistical, but she reacts to everything in the same way as Twilight.
Other points:
10197963
Once Nightmare Moon pops up, that's where I'll really kick it off.
In regards to Spike, more of his personality will be shown in the next chapters, though it's not as simple as one made think regarding it.
I didn't really mind the headcanon of Sunset being Sunburst's sister, but I'd prefer to not use it in this AU.
10197963 Actually, this Sunset was much more caustic and unfriendly than Twilight, who at least stayed for Brunch and had much more patience with both Rarity and Fluttershy.
Makes me wonder how the bonds between and Sunset & the Ponyville ponies will develop when the start is so much rockier.
10199777
Yeah. I could see those points quite clearly. Indeed, Sunset IS far more of a jerk than Twilight was at first. Makes me think that Celestia was the one who did most of Spike's upbringing in this universe and assigned him to at least make SOME effort in keeping Sunset grounded (which, to be fair, he IS; he just hasn't had much luck in that department).
And, yeah, I could pretty much see Applejack rather bluntly telling Sunset "Look, we get that you don't like us and we're still on the fence about YOU. However, stopping Nightmare Moon is more important than personal feelings. And, YOU might think you're powerful enough to take Nightmare Moon on your own, but considering she probably defeated and captured CELESTIA HERSELF, I rather doubt that you are. Nobody would be. Therefore, I would say that your odds of success are a lot better with six-on-one than one-on-one." (translated from her accent, of course)
Sunset's actually going to side with Nightmare Moon, isn't she? That's what I'd expect her to do, given what little we know of her old character.
At the very least, I do expect her to throw up her hooves and yell "thank you!" when Nightmare Moon reveals that she got rid of Celestia.
But events could play out several other ways. Characters could play out several other ways. Those that interest me here are Sunset and Nightmare Moon; along with Spike, against all odds.
I've looked at several alternate continuities over the years. Something I've never seen to change was that Spike was never an element bearer, even as the background pony and original character turnover went wild.
Even though, supposedly, there's a seventh element floating about: empathy, embodied by the canon Sunset. There may be room for him after all. Or perhaps there are still only six elements and it's Sunset who's left out. I'd laugh for a long time if that happened, I'll admit.
For her part, I've always seen Nightmare Moon written to be more ruthless and dangerous. I'm curious if this one will put the emphasis on the other end of her fallen hero status.
But these are only musings. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just along for the ride. It's refreshing to just lay out my thoughts and not focus on the technicalities of writing for once, to be honest. Although I agree with Nitro Indigo about rampant noun groups, but at the same time, I'll take that a thousand times and more over paragraphs running on for several lines. And delightfully, that doesn't happen here.
You write for fun, and that was a very important thing to remind me of. There are things to improve, of course—correcting the said tags, for example—but for once I'll just sit back and enjoy the show. Unless you want me to include that criticism.
Finally, it was just great to see Sunset nope out of dealing with the 'Mane 5' once she was done with them; or once she was done with them in some cases. Sometimes you need to learn to say no.
10202217
Even Spike got to be an Element Bearer in a couple of universes, actually. Tangerine Blast's "Age Swap" universe (which had young adult versions of Spike, the main Cutie Mark Crusaders and Pound and Pumpkin as the Elements of Harmony) and Bed Head's "Flipverse", (which had a unicorn version of Spike and a dragon version of Twilight). Regrettably, there haven't been any new stories for either of those series in years.
Still, it might make for a good switch around of expectations if Spike, NOT Sunset, turned out to be the Bearer of the Element of Magic and Sunset ACTUALLY turned out to be the Bearer of the Element of EMPATHY (Empathy being a BONUS Element [meaning it's not NEEDED for the other Elements to work, but its addition DOES make the Elements more powerful]). Kudos for thinking of that. :-D