Making a Family

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Comments ( 4 )

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Emotion Nexus

Emotion Nexus #1 · Apr 19th, 2020 · · ·

Now I want to know what happened with Zecora.

BrightestMidnight

BrightestMidnight #2 · Apr 19th, 2020 · · ·

10189468 Honestly I didn't think about that, I'm just terrible at rhyming.

dirty little secret

dirty little secret #3 · May 25th, 2020 · 2 · ·

This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!

------ Review ------

Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-I'm glad that this fic where one of a lesbian pair is gender swapped actually takes the time to wonder whether the lesbian partner would be okay with it. The conclusion is obvious, it being a clopfic and all, but it's nice that the story takes into consideration that a pony's sexual orientation might not suddenly flip along with her partner's gender.
-to a white furred Unicorn mare with a two toned pink and purple mane. -- just call her Sweetie Belle!
-her’s -- hers.
-“I’d say get a room, but they clearly were working that way already…” she muttered -- non-specific ‘she’. Who said this? It's hard to be sure and the 'she' isn't helping, since all the characters are female. And did you mean 'walking'?
-working it’s magic -- its.
-leaving her as putty in her hooves -- cliche, pronoun confusion issues.
-the white Unicorn’s -- clasic lavender unicorn syndrome.
-I get a lot of practice with the dildos,” Sweetie giggled. -- she can't 'giggle' that whole phrase.
-the leathery lips of the Unicorn’s Pussy, -- random capitalization. And is leathery really the word you want to go for? That doesn't seem sexy to me.
-Zecora isn't rhyming! This is an outrage! And this: Scootaloo chuckled as she remembered when Zecora had stopped rhyming after a bizarre accident with rhyming words. is hardly an excuse.
-Randomly switches between male and female pronouns for Scoots after the transformation. Probably should pick one and stick with it.
-The orgasm is a bit anticlimactic -- one short, not very detailed paragraph.
-Their dirty talk makes me wonder if they've played out this fantasy before, but with a strap-on or something.

------ Scores ------

To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 52/100
Allure: 85/100
Enticement: 90/100
Immersion: 65/100
Prose Quality: 26/100
Total Score: 318/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.

Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!

Tael_Spinner