Hello there, everypony! My name is GamerBrony, everypony's favorite videomaking (and storywriting) pony!
Brony is about to celebrate Friends and Family Day for the first time since enrolling at the school a few weeks ago. everything is fine as he mingles with his mother and his friends, but things turn sour when Taris and Pega arrive and a big fight starts. Shortly afterwards, Taris causes mischief and ruins the Friends and Family Day celebration! Can our heroes stop him in time?
Page generated in 0.074 seconds
Total duration
800 users online
682,330 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
There's... A lot to unpack here.
First, the pacing is just confusing. Things move quickly. You can skim the writing and get the jist of the story in maybe less than a few sentences. Characters are speaking in friendly terms, then three sentences later they're trying to kill each other and screeching about revenge and honor and blah, blah, blah, blah with zero exposition. As for the page breaks, are they meant to detonate time? Parts? Chapters? I'm unsure, as there is probably at the most a few minutes between each page break, it just rolls into the next... 'scene,' let's call it.
This is a self insert which, hey, is fine and dandy on its own, but it's attempting to be written as if there's a higher meaning to it; instead it just comes off as the author shoving whatever personal information or beef he has into a mold and throwing out a story. Anyone coming to this for the show characters themselves are not going to find much of anything past a sentence or two/plot device to further whatever... this is.
The characters-- The characters are very static. We're just given dialog, we have no idea why any of the characters act the way they do. Everything is a tool for Brony to move forward in as little amount of time as possible. Brony himself is written (I say written lightly, we're just /told/ it at the beginning) to be an absolute pro at making friends, but he has such a /sad, abusive life/ that we're reminded of constantly. We never see him actually making friends, really. We're just told he does it and is great at it! The characters here serve nothing more than to make Brony's life important.
For someone who we've been told is just a great guy and so fun to be around, this story feels out of character. At the same time... We honestly don't know what his character is besides 'token Mary-Sue' white-knighting his way across town.
There's very little context to anything. What's this have to do with YouTube? Why does Brony have friends that aren't MLP? Why do they exist here in Ponyville? Why did they just suddenly show up to Friends and Family Day, only for one of them to attack him? We're left with a lot of questions that are important to the story and have no answers because the author did not provide them.
Finally my main complaint and probably where I'll stop, if I keep going I'll just be pecking through every little detail. The entire story just feels... Grimdark and dramatic for the sake of being grimdark and dramatic. There's no reasoning given for it to be. It's ragged as such, yes, but there's only maybe one or two mentions of kids being killed to make YouTube less cringe (????????) and a 'fight' scene, and that's about it.
TL;DR - If the author can work on these main points, then maybe things can improve. Looking back on his recent posts, everything I've stated here seems to be a trend in his writing. It follows a cookie cutter pattern of needless information, self insertion to the point personal details like location and issues with people are possibly being are being handed out, static characters existing to prop up the self insert with minimal interaction, and horrid pacing to the point you've had major character development with as little as a verbal quip.
TL;DR of the TL;DR - Don't recommend this, or anything else of this author's work. It's just token Mary-Sue inserts or fetish inserts.