- Member Since 19th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Eddy13
A major fan of FlutterDash, comedy, adventure, and other MLP things.
Eddy13
Joined 19th Jul, 2013 ·
Offline
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I think there is one Bon too much.
10201798
I waited two days for someone to leave a comment, and when I finally get one, it's someone complaining about the grammar!
10202287
Oh, sry. Story is really good :D
It was a really steamy story. I liked it.
Okay, fine. I'll leave a comment. I came here for the nudity, and that's what I read. I enjoyed the streaking, the skinny-dipping, and the horseplay in the water. Although swimming out five miles seems a bit excessive. I mostly scrolled past the sex, not really my cup of tea. Came back for the ending, which was shorter than I would have liked. More naked shenanigans would have been appreciated, but overall not a bad story.
Knew that they were tempting fate when they talked about their clothes. Could use some editing to catch all the minor errors, and the way you denote dialogue is strange (Most would use a comma rather than nothing between sentences?) but it was nice to have a playful nudist fic.
10204583
Well, sorry. Didn't know my writing style was full of errors. That might be one of the reasons it's not getting a lot of exposure (no pun intended). But still, glad you liked it. Also, what did you think about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's little prank?
10204587
No worries, I miss tons of errors in my own writing, but unless I'm doing a collab prefer to go without an editor in the hopes I'll improve through practice. It's very hard for a fic to gain lots of momentum without an eye catching cover, so there's that.
The last part was okay, although admittedly I'm not a big fan of Dash (Unpopular opinion, but I feel she peaked in Sonic Rainboom and has largely been on a downhill trajectory since) and tend to prefer it when karma bites her in the butt. Knowing it was Shy's idea took the edge off, at least!
10204631
Well, would you mind pointing out the grammar errors so I can fix them before the DLS's contest deadline?
10206280
I don't have time for editing, sorry.
Great story.
I thought it was a hot enjoyable read. I think it's refreshing to see a fic with a female couple getting it on without the need for futa or sex toys. If I could make one critique that could be fixed it would be this part here.
5 miles is the equivalent of 8 km or 26400 feet. To put it in perspective, it would take an average person about 30 minutes to swim just 1 mile without stopping. Might wanna shorten that. Just a little nitpick there.
10211650
Okay, I'll take care of that. Maybe ten feet will do. Fortunately, I still got time before the contest deadline.
And yeah, I'm not into the hardcore stuff. Too graphic for me. You'll notice that I didn't have the two of them swearing or anything like that. When I write naughty stories, I tend to use softcore. Seems more romantic and passionate to me.
10211708
Yeah I like that. Characters dont necessarily need to swear while having sex. It's quite wholesome.
What about a bonus chapter where they have locker sex?
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Cute to see the arguing about who proposed first and who’s going to change their name.
-A really cute story overall.
-
the mixture of Bon Bon's essence and saltwater causing her to shudder with pleasure-- Um ... have you ever tasted ocean water? It’ll make you shudder, alright, but not in pleasure.-
Some would think that somehow, likely due to the magic that surrounded Sunset Shimmer and her friends, the pair was genuinely able to do the deed as if one of them was a man.-- that's a bit disturbing and maybe offensive?-Them getting locked out was predictable, but cute.
-The sex was kind of by-the-numbers lesbian stuff.
-A few typos and misspellings such as:
close enough to lung forward-
"It wasn't too hard" Bon Bon explained "Since Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are the only other people here, Rainbow Dash and I made a bet over a card game, with the winner and her "friend" getting the beach all to themselves tonight".-- 4 problems in one short paragraph. This story has some major dialog punctuation issues.-Naughty words for things were avoided to the point of being obtrusive at points. It’s okay to write ‘pussy’ in a clopfic.
-Pretty good pacing -- it gets where it needs to go, but doesn’t rush to get there.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 85/100
Allure: 87/100
Enticement: 75/100
Immersion: 94/100
Prose Quality: 62/100
Total Score: 403/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10242240
Thanks for the nice score! I was a little worried about it being very low. And yeah, I know I had a bunch of grammar issues, but believe me, I tried to get them corrected before time ran out. I only noticed the other day that I made a typo regarding Bon Bon's name. And I know that it was garden variety lesbianism, but it was based on some of the hottest girl/girl stuff I've seen. I thought the 69 part was pretty good. And that line about Equestrian magic was meant to mean that it was like Lyra and Bon Bon could have actual sex instead of the simulated kind other lesbian couples get. And I just didn't have it in me to write naughty words. Still, I guess I could've used words like 'boobs' and 'tits' while abstaining from swear words.
Overall, I'm glad that my story did as well as it did. You would not believe how wracked my nerves were at times. Hopefully it'll end up netting me a prize or something!