• Member Since 29th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

manta999


6 Months after the series finale is a hell of a time to start writing fanfics

Comments ( 26 )

You REALY need to separate the dialogs between characters cause putting it n a straight line its just... ugh... i cant look at it

10211513
Thanks for the feedback :) Will try to do that on my next story.

Rarity nearly choked on her sandwich. Staring? She hadn't been staring! Ladies didn't stare. She had just been looking at him. For a long time. Without him knowing. It wasn't staring, it was... advanced looking. There was a huge difference. She just wasn't sure what it was.

advanced looking:pinkiecrazy:

I really liked this story. Especially that part where Rarity asked Spike to cum on her tits, that was unf~
However, I certainly think it could use work. I actually don't think there were any grammatical errors really, it's just the spacing of the dialogue could use heavy work. I feel each line of dialogue should be its own separate paragraph, helps section them off.
But I still really liked it! Gets a star from me! :yay:

That was really awesome, been a while sense we’ve had an old school Sparity fic. Keep up to good work, think everyone has already said about spacing the dialogue but besides thaT this was great

I like it you gotta make a sequel maybe.

Great job!

Excellent bit of hot anthro Sparity, complete with delicious marshmallow melodrama and fun Pinkie antics!
Also, I'm sure dragon spunk keeps your coat shiny and lush!

Nice! If you make a sequel, think you'll add Dash to the mix? I have a few ideas for how it could go.

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Thanks for all the constructive feedback so far! I've tried to split up the paragraphs more with an edit just now. Hopefully the dialogue flows better. More stories coming soon!:coolphoto:

This gave me flashbacks of "Like Fine Wine."

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Weirdly enough, Like Fine Wine was at the top of the "similar" list on the sidebar as I was writing, but once I published it changed to Weekend Maid for Spike.

10213349
Hey, I wrote one of those!

Jokes, aside. This was well written and enjoyable to read. I must have missed the whole dialogue thing, which means you actually bothered to fix issues people mentioned. Couldn't be more thrilled about that, honestly. Too many writers blow things off when people tell them about issues. Equally true, this is one of the finest pieces of grammatically correct writing I have seen in quite a while. You came up with a solid premise, wrote the story skillfully, edited it, and took criticism into account to improve it; there are few left it seems who I can all those things about. You should be proud of this. I suspect with everything from storytelling to writing you managed here, that you'll improve quite quickly as you find your style and put out some real gems.

On the story itself, I'd say some inspiration was taken from Like Fine Wine, but you made it your own. The humor is fantastic and even in the sexier moments there's some laughs to be had that don't feel immersion breaking, which makes it feel very realistic. You showed off the relationship between the girls and Rarity wonderfully, the spit-roasting joke was glorious, as well as Spike and Rarity, obviously. Emotions were shown quite vividly from Rarity's distress, to her unsure attraction to Spike, all the way to her finally letting loose on her urges. Every character just felt good and in character, even those with much more minor roles. Drunk Twilight and teleportation, funny and terrifying.

I said it once, I'll say it again, be proud.

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Thanks so much!

:ajsmug::pinkiehappy::rainbowwild::twilightsmile::yay::trollestia: "It's about time!"

:moustache::raritywink:

So Rarity gets some out of fear of the Christmas Cake trope?

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Pretty much, lol

Rainbow Dash has to argrelyly be the best wing mare Spike's ever had--especially when things fall this favorably in Spike's favor...seems Dashie's been viewing this from the clouds for a while (thank you 'Testing, Testing, 1,2,3' for her keen observation skills). Spike and Rarirt need to give Dash their thanks... :raritywink::raritywink::raritywink:

Great story! Loved the pounding from, Pinkie and Raindow, as well as the ending!

I mean really, if your best girlfriends can't fake fuck you, then who could?!:moustache::pinkiehappy::raritywink::rainbowwild:

This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!

------ Review ------

Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Are you sure you’re a first-timer? Because this is far, far better than I’d expect from most first time authors! It even compares well against some of the much more experienced writers.
-Rarity has a lovely pity-party in the beginning, which leads to some fantastic character-building moments.
-It’s nice how Pinkie casually compliments and touches Rarity’s boobs, and then the moment Rainbow comes in and joins them is priceless!
-Seems like you kind of forgot about his sharp claws by the end. It could have been fun to see him shred the bedsheets a little or something.
-It strains credulity a little bit that they both got into it so easily without any second thoughts or hesitation.
-The last little bit with Rainbow coming back was very cute, despite being so short.
-It takes a while to get to the real sexiness, but that can be a good thing.
-Overall, this is a great clopfic with excellent teasing, buildup, and payoff. It’s especially impressive that you got the pacing down so nicely.

------ Scores ------

To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 95/100
Allure: 95/100
Enticement: 85/100
Immersion: 87/100
Prose Quality: 94/100
Total Score: 456/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.

Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!

Intense. Especially when Rainbow congratulated Spike. I hope my story measures up to this.😟

I'm not usually one for Rarispike; I always struggle to see him as anything other than the kid-age dragon from the show. With that said, this was a solid exception; the emotional work was good, the sex was well written, and I enjoyed it. The consistent use of the young-sounding nickname was the only thing that threw me off even slightly. Good job!

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Thanks for the review! It means a lot to me.

This really was my first story. Working on my second now and it's not nearly as good :fluttershyouch:. I'm relieved that the reception of the Pinkie-Rarity-Dash scene has been positive so far; I was afraid at the time of writing that it was too gratuitous.

> Seems like you kind of forgot about his sharp claws by the end. It could have been fun to see him shred the bedsheets a little or something

Totally true -- that would have been a clever callback.

Excellent story! The pacing and plot was suberb.

Congratulations on winning Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
For the full results, check the Dirty Little Award Show.

This story won:

Fresh & Perky
The best clopfic by someone who has less than 200 followers. Why, you barely even smeared your makeup!
(Cannot be combined with the top 3 prizes. Cannot be combined with other new writer’s prizes. If you also qualify to win one of those, this prize will be awarded to the runner-up in this category.)

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