ColossalGX
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yeah,Loli does NOT mean a woman small for her age. a loli or lolicon is a hentai term for a female child that has sexual intercourse with adults
Who was this human teacher? Someone from Canterlot High or what?
10234590
That was meant to be Celestia.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-A very ambitious story -- got to give it credit for that, at least.
-I don’t now how you got a (likely) underage human Diamond Tiara through Fimfic moderation, but it’s not my job to be the loli police.
-Instead of bolding scenes to tell a reader where to skip to, you should probably just make separate chapters.
-Why was he chained up in the beginning if they’re just going to release him before doing anything with him?
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and yet another level of confusion was added-- My response to the story somehow made it into the story itself.-It seems like a bunch of random things thrown at the reader without any rhyme or reason ... which doesn’t really build a sexy scene.
-The character names seem to be just thrown in there to avoid the no OC’s rule ... there’s not much attempt at giving them any character beyond their physical animal characteristics.
-The audience seems to be entirely forgotten until the very end.
-Tries to cram in far too many fetishes, which means that none of them get the attention they need for a good execution.
-Tons of grammatical problems. Some examples:
The destined hour was nigh as one Star Tracker as he-- too many ‘as’ phrasesBut when he pulled it to him, it went taught then.-- taut“So, you finally decide to wake up,” Star was alerted-- improper dialog tagwhat the he’ll-There’s just a very overwhelming succession of crazy things going on in this story.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 8/100
Allure: 5/100
Enticement: 2/100
Immersion: 6/100
Prose Quality: 10/100
Total Score: 31/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10185501
Not necessary, sometimes they are 1000 years old