• Member Since 14th Dec, 2019
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Justarandomboi


Car guy, Militaristic enthusiast, New writer and also a big fan of MLP F.I.M. Luna & Celestia! I'm also from New Zealand!

Comments ( 122 )

Mean while in Afghanistan (The Year 2008)
P.o.v: Mark Württenbürg

Mark was in his cupola seat with his tank crew on scout patrol on a nearby village believing that ISIS members are located there.

ISIS was not a separate entity until 2013

Personally I love the story idea, I always love the whole “Modern soldier with a specialty (be it sniper, heavy weapons expert or in this case tank commander) in Equestria”
I am not good at writing so please take what I am about to say with a grain of salt.
I would suggest taking more time to describe what is happening, right now the story is a lot of, this thing happened and then a time skip followed by a bit of basic dialogue, which is one more thing the dialogue is, well, basic, here I would suggest building the personality of each character, like maybe have Celestia try to put up a strong facade but it slowly crumbles as she speaks with Mark on the way to Ponyville.

Anyway sorry about the rant :twilightblush:
Just keep up the good work :trollestia:

Remember the rules of show don't tell. Instead of explicitly stating what weapons the griffons and minatours are using in relation to Equestria, show it. I haven't read any further yet, so I don't know what will happen in the next few chapters, but maybe you could show a battlefield where ponies use swords and the griffons use guns, and the ponies lose badly. Or maybe you could have a scene where Luna is berating Celestia for not developing better weapons before the war started (Luna is often portrayed as a type of warrior princess). Or maybe you could have inept and arrogant Equestrian generals complaining about why "Superior Equestrian engineering" isn't beating the "inferior weaponry" the nations of the griffons and minatours use, while a lower ranking officer is trying to make them see why they're wrong and need to change.

There's a lot you can do.

As for the second half with the tank crewmen, don't mention specific times unless it's relevant. It doesn't matter if it took them 10 minutes or 30 minutes to eat, just say they finished eating specifics aren't important in this particular case. Somewhere where it might be more useful to mention specific time is where the audience knowing specifically exactly how long something took is important. In this chapter you said that Mark had a gut feeling that something was wrong, then said 10 minutes later, then the RPG flew.

Saying specific time in this scenario can be useful (though I'd personally still be a bit broader), though in a more elegant fashion. For example, you could say that as "As Mark entered the village he had a feeling of unease, and that his nerves seemed to stand on end. This feeling of unease grew as the tank slowly drove deeper into the villiage for the next 10 minutes." Obviously this is a very condensed version, you'd want to flesh this out into at least an entire paragraph, but it illustrates the point. This tells the audience that something is about to happen, you want it to be longer to give more time to build up, and saying the specific time (the tank was slowly driving forwards deeper into the village for 10 minutes), tells the audience that they can't just slam the tank in reverse and be out in 5 seconds. If they want to get to safety they have to fight back through a village that's potentially entirely hostile (realistically it wouldn't be, but still), and that adds a lot more tension as it's not a quick and easy process to get out of.

Hope this helps, now onto chapter 2.

Alright for love of god please dont do the trope of am I falling in love with him take things slow love should be something that takes time the way your going about it is real fast in my opinion Celestia sounds like a scared little girl true she was tortured but I just can see her acting like how you have her shown I have high Hope this story is really good so I will keep reading and hoping for a long story

10190252
You get it idea of this story I like but little to no meat on the bone but I have hope that it gets better

Try and avoid using lists if at all possible. I'm here to read a story not read a shopping list, I saw that list and basically scrolled past it. Saying specific equipment names is also not needed unless it is relevant to the plot or character. I don't need to know he has a G36, just an assault rifle. I don't need to know he has a P226, just a pistol, I don't need to know he has 10 mags of ammo, just "plenty". And don't assume everybody knows what those things are either. Most people probably don't know what a G36 or P226 are. As for the other things, specifically say what is immediately relevant to the plot, and leave the rest broad.

For example:


Mark opened the box and was taken aback by the sheer amount of weaponry infront of him. Rifles, pistols, and ammunition for it all. Grenades, scopes, grips, uniforms - wait isn't that one of World war two design? -, medical supplies, body armour, bits of his tank- Wait, what the fuck!? - and enough firepower to arm a small army.

"Why, how, what!?" Mark exclaimed, his mind going into overdrive trying to process what was infront of him. He had never seen so much firepower in one place before, and yet here it was just haphazardly laid in a box.


See how this is much easier and fun to read, is broader and doesn't need specific knowledge, and vague enough that you can pull specific things out of that box later and and it won't seem weird ( just don't do it too often). Just introduce them bit by bit over many chapters as they become relevant. Maybe add a scene where he's struggling to drag the box around just to show how heavy it is, and so how much stuff it has.

The next point I want to make is to not switch POV's so much. In a chapter this long, you can switch POV's once (or maybe twice but that's pushing it). Focus on a character for longer to flesh out that scene and what they are doing, and don't jump around. Sometimes it might be best to just start a new chapter, don't be afraid to cut a chapter a little short if it means keeping a steady momentum.

Also, you don't need to rush plot points into the story. We don't need to know why the war started yet, that can wait. Introducing the characters is infinitely more important. Hell, the reason for the war starting might not even need be brought up for tens of thousands of words. Fleshing out Mark's character, his interaction with this world's inhabitants, him learning of the war that's happening, how it is affecting the lives of the characters relevant to the plot, all that is far more important than the reason for the war actually taking place. Why the war is taking place probably won't need to be mentioned to Mark (or the audience) until things have settled down a little and Mark can get his bearings in the world.

Mentioning what time of day it is is not needed, generally speaking. We don't need to know Mark was driving for "X amount of minutes" just said Mark spent "A while" or "A few minutes", or "After many hours of driving", again, avoid specifics unless it is necessary.

10190049
Yeah, I think that the Taliban should be put here instead, or maybe Al-Qaeda.

10190294
That's what I'm trying to do I'm just hinting it. Cause he will be In his human form. He will reveal his pony form probably down somewhere. Also, he was with Celestia in his pony form not human.

10190049
I need to do more research to improve accuracy.

10190292
I will later show that pony's and Griffin in a battlefield soon and will do less of a time skip while they are eating. Just to know I'm new to this so I may do that if I don't find a want to write it. I will try a different approach to chapter one with things that makes sense. probably will edit things to make it more realistic. I will probably redo chapters one and two.

Thanks for the advice :twilightsheepish:

"Cpt Mark Württenbürg was an ordinary tank commander in the first Panzer Division. Frankly, he was deployed in Afghanistan with his trusty Leopard 2A6."

I haven't even started yet, and I'm questioning why they'd bother putting a main battle tank in Afghanistan, not even the US does that. Why is that an issue? Well, most of Afghanistan's combat is done in the mountains, which is literally the worst place for a tank to be. Eventually enough RPG fire could disable or destroy it completely, and really, a tank isn't all that useful as an occupation vehicle either.

But I'll reserve any further criticism until I've read a few chapters

I've left your stuff in this crate amongst other things. I want you to go towards the castle ruins down south. You will find your metal box thing there fully repaired and some other things for it. I also gave you a possibility to change into an Alicorn or Unicorn body so you can stay hidden. It's best not to use the alicorn body cause it counts as royalty and ponies will start to freak out cause the only "Male alicorn here". You need to also pick a name for your body in a weird way like (midnight winter, autumn leaf name a few examples.) You can change at free will by imagining that you are one.

I'm sorry, but as much as I'm cringing from such an overused trope, it somehow hurts more seeing that the note is trying to tell him everything he should know now with new forms (that i already disliked seeing.) You're really throwing away possible conflict for simplicity, and it's already making me dislike this more.

As somebody already addressed, such complex and long lists are not necessary, though I do know my stuff, so I guess I'm one of the few nerds.

"HOLY SHIT I HAVE A FUCKING ARMORY HERE! Wait a minute why are there Leopard 2A6 blueprints?" He thought.

I'm just nitpicking here, but the chances of Equestria being able to produce most of that, especially the tank, is pretty low lol

(He is a forest green unicorn with a black mane brown eyes. His cutie mark is an emblem of the first Panzer Division (Bundeswehr) and quite buffed not majorly but buffed)

oh god, green

"(So we can actually win the war without losing too many troops. Celestia will give up this war if Luna gets captured. We can threaten Celestia to give the war up or else we would torture Luna but we would still torture Luna anyways for information.)"

hur-dur, i'm just gonna explain the whole strategic war plan to my comrade who probably already knows

Celestia was on high alert watching her surroundings. She and her Squad were traveling at a speed of 2kmh.

Pretty unnecessary detail imo, just say they're walking

"WHY CAN'T THEY EVEN LET ME BUILD A WEAPON RESEARCH FACILITY! WE LOST TO THOSE PONYS 1020 YEARS AGO! THEY ALSO TOOK 1/2 THE SIZE OF GRIFFINSTONE!"

This some peak bruh moment stuff

"Go kill my brother for me. Once he is dead I will take his place. You would be my general of the military after he dies."

What assassin anywhere would ever want to be a general? You're basically asking for a below third rate failure.

"Oh, I know that I am saddened why anyone would assassinate the king? I believed that the Equestrian princesses planned the assassin against my brother cause he requested land and was refused. The princesses thought my brother was a threat to their kingdom and decided to kill him. Well, my brother has put me in the line of the throne so you will take orders from me." Black Beak said

again way too much unnecessary detail, any normal sane human being would think they orchestrated the assassination lol

"Maybe Black Beak hired an assassin to kill his own brother I'm am not sure but someone framed us."

At least Celestia gets it

Mark was 80km away from the Griffin and Minotaur squad.

so much unnecessary detail, why

Final conclusion, you really really need an editor and somebody to give you some good advice on how to write.

10191079
I know I'm still new to this. I need some people who know how to edit. Do you suggest anyone?

10191088
I don't know any one person, but I can recommend you to a group dedicated towards that sort of thing https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors

Welp, at least English is your main language am I right? For me, I'm still struggling to make a good grammar so the story will be the best I expect it to be. Keep going man, good story though! 😊

10192755
Thanks! I hope you can improve English Literature. :ajsmug:

Announcement: I am still working on chapter 4 it's taking some time just because I'm tired at the moment. It's currently at 2K words at the moment. I will write tomorrow or something. But know that chapter 4 is slightly behind in the making process.

See you soon in chapter four when completed!

It has a tonk. Automatic fav. Looks good so far but show don’t tell! Exited for more :p :twilightsmile:

Halt euch brav, ihr deutschen Brüder, Greift den Feind nur herzhaft an!

10196501
Stukas? STUKAS? Warum schicken Sie so alte Fahrzeuge, wenn ein guter Panzer oder hundert gut wären? Auch Ju 87 Stuka hat nur leichte Bomben im Vergleich zu dem, was manche Flugzeuge abwerfen können.
note I don't speak German so this was done through google translate so sorry for grammatical errors.

10196854
Same with me LOL I didn't learn enough of it. plus it's for the memes i mean its a Stuka?

10196884
yes but the Stuka while very effective it had the problem that the rest of the Luftwaffe had. low bomb load. the biggest bombers Germany had at could only be considered Tactical/Medium bombers and they couldn't make heavy bombers/didn't make heavy bombers.

10196994

sorry but you are wrong there. Germany did have some Heavy Bombers. 1,169 Heinkel He 177.
65 Junkers Ju 290.
3 Messerschmitt Me 264
It's not much. but they did have them. :)

Yeah the Griffin's are fucked no way around it. Hell if he is smart he'd probably see the weaponised potential of spells as well.

10198656
Yep it's a very frightening thought. I mean even telekenis spells can be weaponised and I mean weaponised to an apocalyptic level

10198752
I agree. it could be a kinetic energy WMD I mean get a big bolder and then send it as fast as the speed of light!

The Grammar and editing for this story makes my eyes roll out there sockets and do 3 circles on top my head than roll back in
But the concept and the story itself are interesting enough to keep readers mostly happy I guess? Probably not?
But yeah focus on the grammar the writing and editing and this could turn out to be a gem story

Griffins roll up in shit weak tank mark rolls up in his tank 5 minutes later griffins are dead:twilightsmile:

10198788
you wouldn't need a boulder or that high of a velocity. a can of ravioli moving at a fraction of the speed of light could take out a Star Destroyer. Don't believe me? look up Ravioli Railgun.

10198975
Thanks for the advice! I will rework most of chapter one and others. :twilightsmile:

"Is that so? You weak and pathetic fuck. Anyways Equestria won't get far when I finished developing my armoured division." He said while Chuckling darkly.

:trixieshiftright: you sure about that??

10199048
I've got a name for the ammunition of the ravioli railgun "H.E.R.C" High Explosive ravioli can :trollestia:

Reading this really just confuses me. Spelling, grammar, its a bit rough around the edges. I like the idea of it but i really can't understand anything that's going on. It feels crammed and rushed, and jumps all over the place.
But i hope you continue writing and get better the more storys you write.

10205061
Thanks! I'm working on future chapters and once I finally finish this I will rewrite most chapters to make more sense or rewrite it now actually.

10192753
Right? Though I have to give the author credit, since I don’t write anything so I have no right to call him terrible

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