• Member Since 30th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen 12 minutes ago

Zubric


Love to write whatever comes to mind and enjoy Brony stuff.

Sequels1

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There goes a tale that anypony that enters the strange Haunted House in Ponyville never comes out. Rainbow Dash, wanting to prove this urban legend wrong takes Fluttershy along to disprove it. Sadly for them, it is no myth.


Contains: age/mental regression, diapers, cutesie stuff.
Based off the art from skitterpone Image
Co-Author: Foal Star

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 26 )

Knew someone would make this eventually.

You have me intrigued, as long as stuff doesn't get too graphic.

10167568
Nah, just one more chapter. Good ending wink

Finally the story is out read the entire comic already and loved that

fun read, keep it up.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Oh come on, it's an old abandoned nursery? The worst that could happen a bunch of ghost babies drool slime all over you.”

What could possibly go wrong?

what the fresh hell is with all the diaper fetish shit these days
in the past 3 days, there has been at least 1 diaper fic in the fucking feature box per day
is it something to do with this fucking virus?

“Come on Fluttershy it’ll be so much fun!” Rainbow exclaimed excitedly as she and her best friend Fluttershy were out on Nightmare’s Night and they were near a haunted old rundown building.

Remove excitedly, she's already exclaiming which is a show of strong emotion. The reader would infer that she's excited. What does the building look like? How rundown is it? Description, description, description! It's very important.

“I’m not so sure...I mean there’s been horror stories of ponies going in there and never coming out!” Fluttershy cried out as she bit her hooves.

"I'm not sure about this, there have been stories of ponies entering this place and never leaving!" Sounds better at least to me. Ultimately your call.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Oh come on, it's an old abandoned nursery? The worst that could happen a bunch of ghost babies drool slime all over you.”

Why is there a question mark here? Is she questioning herself? Also bad grammar. There should be an 'is' here.

Fluttershy shook some and giggled at the thought. “Yeah, your right...this isn’t too bad.”

You're. It's a contraction of you and are. Your is possessive, like for example: Your house, your friend, your skateboard.
Also why is Fluttershy shaking?

“Yeah? Nothing bad happened here, it's just such a cool place everypony forgot about...I bet old Granny Smith used to come here.”

Again with the unnecessary question marks. If nothing bad happened there why is it Haunted? If everyone forgot about it then why do Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy know about it and other ponies too?

Fluttershy smirked, ” uh Rainbow? Granny Smith was around for the founding of Ponyville. The house probably didn’t exist yet.”

"Um, Rainbow Dash? Granny Smith was a filly when Ponyville was founded, this building probably didn't exist yet."

You never established that it was a house until Fluttershy called it that, earlier you just called it a building. This is what I meant about descriptions, be specific and be descriptive! You're also putting spaces after quotation marks which doesn't make sense.

“ uh yeah, whatever let’s just go exploring.” Rainbow snapped as she opened the front doors and snickered as she yelled out. “Hello anypony here!? I came to register my giant foal!?”

Again with the weird spaces and not capitalizing words. Rainbow Dash is snapping that's a pretty strong expression of irritation/frustration, put an exclamation mark instead of a period.

Rainbow snapped as she opened the front doors and snickered as she yelled out

Here let me fix this: Rainbow snapped, opening the front doors to the rundown building. She called out to the darkness, "Hello? Is anyone here? I came to register my foal!"

“Haha, so funny Rainbow!” Fluttershy snapped back as she walked across the wooden planks making eerie creaking noises. Cobwebs were everywhere and dust seemed to clump together into huge piles all over. The windows were covered in grime. Clearly, nopony had lived here for some time.

"Haha, very funny Rainbow Dash." Fluttershy shot back, she walked across the wooden floor, it creaked beneath her hooves. Cobwebs decorated the corners of the room, and dust was thick on every surface visible to the two ponies. Clearly no one had lived here in quite sometime.

"Could you imagine if Rarity came with us!?” Rainbow laughed as she kicked a pile of dust.

Unnecessary exclamation mark. Also: Rainbow laughed while kicking at a large pile of dust and grime.

Fluttershy smiled, “yeah she would’ve totally bailed on us by now.” The mare then went into the first room and had a bunch of old cribs lined against the walls, rotting away with an old changing table in the back.

I didn't know Fluttershy could create cribs.

This is going to sound harsh. There are so many errors in this story that need to be fixed and entire paragraphs that need to be re-written that it's taken me almost an hour to go through less than a quarter of this story. The dialogue is out of character, there's missing words, misuse of punctuation. The list goes on and on. You desperately need an editor with a lot and I mean A LOT of patience, not to mention dedication. There's the bones of something decent here but the poorly constructed dialogue and descriptions really make it hard to get through.

10168668
I did not find it harsh, the points were correct we should’ve spent more time on refining it. I don’t Brecht it fo a very good job at self proofreading. Plus collab mistakes

“Oh look a rocking horse,” Fluttershy pointed to a faded pink wooden horse moving towards it and putting a hoof on the saddle. She felt like she wanted to try riding it.

Oh, look! Horses that apparently saddle and ride...other horses.

Houses gotta do what a house has got to do...

10169692 More like a ghost's gotta do what a ghost's gotta do.

This was a strange story. Not bad, just strange.

Awww, I love happy endings :) I would love to visit this ghost! I read the comic and loved it, though I'm not big on dark endings. So this was perfect for me.

Hm, interesting that you decided to give the story a "Good Ending". Makes you wonder what the story is behind this haunted nursery and the ghostly mare who inhabits it. :duck:

Fun stories as always.:heart:

I didn't like the comics ending either. You should make a sequel about more ponies visiting the ghost nanny.

Great chapter. I think you should do a sequel with Fluttershy and Twilight's playdate

Turned into a business model, good end!

That was actually pretty cute! Haha and funny. :twilightsmile:

Will there be sequel?

That was quite the interesting ending. I liked it, really cute and funny.

interesting story about a haunted nursery, I like it

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