Love to write whatever comes to mind and enjoy Brony stuff.
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There goes a tale that anypony that enters the strange Haunted House in Ponyville never comes out. Rainbow Dash, wanting to prove this urban legend wrong takes Fluttershy along to disprove it. Sadly for them, it is no myth.
Contains: age/mental regression, diapers, cutesie stuff.
Based off the art from skitterpone Image
Co-Author: Foal Star
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Knew someone would make this eventually.
You have me intrigued, as long as stuff doesn't get too graphic.
10167568
Nah, just one more chapter. Good ending wink
Good story
Finally the story is out read the entire comic already and loved that
10167610
Ok.
fun read, keep it up.
What could possibly go wrong?
what the fresh hell is with all the diaper fetish shit these days
in the past 3 days, there has been at least 1 diaper fic in the fucking feature box per day
is it something to do with this fucking virus?
Remove excitedly, she's already exclaiming which is a show of strong emotion. The reader would infer that she's excited. What does the building look like? How rundown is it? Description, description, description! It's very important.
"I'm not sure about this, there have been stories of ponies entering this place and never leaving!" Sounds better at least to me. Ultimately your call.
Why is there a question mark here? Is she questioning herself? Also bad grammar. There should be an 'is' here.
You're. It's a contraction of you and are. Your is possessive, like for example: Your house, your friend, your skateboard.
Also why is Fluttershy shaking?
Again with the unnecessary question marks. If nothing bad happened there why is it Haunted? If everyone forgot about it then why do Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy know about it and other ponies too?
"Um, Rainbow Dash? Granny Smith was a filly when Ponyville was founded, this building probably didn't exist yet."
You never established that it was a house until Fluttershy called it that, earlier you just called it a building. This is what I meant about descriptions, be specific and be descriptive! You're also putting spaces after quotation marks which doesn't make sense.
Again with the weird spaces and not capitalizing words. Rainbow Dash is snapping that's a pretty strong expression of irritation/frustration, put an exclamation mark instead of a period.
Here let me fix this: Rainbow snapped, opening the front doors to the rundown building. She called out to the darkness, "Hello? Is anyone here? I came to register my foal!"
"Haha, very funny Rainbow Dash." Fluttershy shot back, she walked across the wooden floor, it creaked beneath her hooves. Cobwebs decorated the corners of the room, and dust was thick on every surface visible to the two ponies. Clearly no one had lived here in quite sometime.
Unnecessary exclamation mark. Also: Rainbow laughed while kicking at a large pile of dust and grime.
I didn't know Fluttershy could create cribs.
This is going to sound harsh. There are so many errors in this story that need to be fixed and entire paragraphs that need to be re-written that it's taken me almost an hour to go through less than a quarter of this story. The dialogue is out of character, there's missing words, misuse of punctuation. The list goes on and on. You desperately need an editor with a lot and I mean A LOT of patience, not to mention dedication. There's the bones of something decent here but the poorly constructed dialogue and descriptions really make it hard to get through.
10168668
I did not find it harsh, the points were correct we should’ve spent more time on refining it. I don’t Brecht it fo a very good job at self proofreading. Plus collab mistakes
Oh, look! Horses that apparently saddle and ride...other horses.
Houses gotta do what a house has got to do...
10169377
It's secretly training!
10169692 More like a ghost's gotta do what a ghost's gotta do.
This was a strange story. Not bad, just strange.
Awww, I love happy endings :) I would love to visit this ghost! I read the comic and loved it, though I'm not big on dark endings. So this was perfect for me.
Hm, interesting that you decided to give the story a "Good Ending". Makes you wonder what the story is behind this haunted nursery and the ghostly mare who inhabits it.
Fun stories as always.
I didn't like the comics ending either. You should make a sequel about more ponies visiting the ghost nanny.
Great chapter. I think you should do a sequel with Fluttershy and Twilight's playdate
Turned into a business model, good end!
That was actually pretty cute! Haha and funny.
Will there be sequel?
interesting story about a haunted nursery, I like it
There really should be a disclaimer about the watersports.
11296469
It’s fine. Only light usage. Idk
11296588
Erm... what?
An interesting twist on the original comic, as several others have said, I'd love to learn more about the ghost mare who IIRC was dubbed Daisy Dreams by the comic writer.
On a separate note, if you can find someone good at editing, this story reads like a first draft in that there were a butt-load of typographical errors. Not hating on you, but it rather killed the immersion at times.
11323766
tbf, it kind of was a first draft XD But i've given it a look over now so let me know what yah think.
Grammarly "you have 130 punctuation errors" "Me: -insert two hours of editing -
11326525
to avoid filling up the comments section, I'm sending you a critique via DM.
beautiful ending, I am quite inspired to continue my story, though I’m still on the prologue eheh