Tau Niem is an alien - a Danarian to be specific, an extraterrestrial progenitor of the Human race. Once an honored diplomat for the Third Interstellar Federation of Danarian Clans, he was 'dismissed' from service. Without any attachment to his former life, he took to hopping through time with the aid of a prototype time-machine that may, or may not, exactly be legal...or even ethical. Somehow, he fell asleep one night in his past - our present - and awoke somewhere else...somewhere with a lot of ponies.
AN: The Names of Chapters are the written in Danarian (as best as they can be, using the Latin-alphabet). First the number of the chapter, then the title, followed by its meaning in English.
AN II: Tau Niem, Danarians, et cetera are property of myself. MLP and all characters thereof, are property of Hasbro.
This is a non-profit work, made under the fair-use doctrine.
(Proof-read by Rainen D'Avernathy, Ruby Goldberg & The Republican Brony)
(Constructive criticism is appreciated!)
interesting.
1138829 Thank you, I thought so too...
"Whatever had wailed like that was no pony, but they all nodded in unspoken agreement that it could not have been good!" I think instead of but in this instance you want and.
"Granted they had armor and weapons, but they seemed completely completely inept at using any form of psionic abilities, let alone defending themselves." double word there
"The Sun goddess froze. 'How can understand him?' She stated, somewhat shocked." I think you want an I in there, so it reads "How can I understand him?"
Anyways, grammar aside, this in an interesting idea, I mean, I was interested enough to click it. The execution was... different? Your writing is fabulous, great word choice and descriptions, and an interesting voice, but I found myself accepting loads of information because I was told to, not because it made sense. I still dont quite understand the predicament of this Danarian. He was punished for something? and now he has a time machine but wait no now hes in exile and ponies and something about an eclipse and huuuuhhh? It could all do to be explained a bit better. The back story sounds cool, and I think you should be writing about that rather than throwing it all rather awkwardly into the Pony universe.
1139569 Thanks for the Grammar/Syntax catches. I shall fix those immediately!
Thank you for the feedback. I agree that things are rather, What?, right now. I assure you, that's exactly what I was trying to capture; the train-wreck that is two completely different worlds that have no business being together, smashing into one another! I am currently working on the outline of Ch II, and I assure you that it is a step back, a much slower chapter, where Tau Niem (and by extension, you, the reader) gets his bearings on just what is going on. Also, the ponies learn a great many things about their new guest too...
OMG OPAL LIKES HIM BUT NOT HER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA also first
They need to remember he's not a stallion. A stallion is a horse not a close relative of humans and also WTF IS WRONG WOTH OUR WORLD
we could actually beno wait scratch that we are destroying ourselves!1410155 He's just happy that they're not still calling him a Human...
1410320 But is stallion and creature better? Sure it still refers to him as a male but still
1413835 Think about this from this perspective, the way that Tau Niem is...
These ponies are speaking a different language than he is. They have different terms for different things. Human, which comes from Hunan in their tongue, is as good as being an insult. Its like calling him a "Thing." Did you notice that every time they called him 'Human' he reacted strongly?
Now when they refer to him as a 'stallion' this is what he's thinking... A stallion is a full grown, male horse. He is full grown (somewhere about middle age if you're curious) and he is male. A different species, but they likely do not have alternate words for males/ females of different species(?) Thus in his mind, them calling him a stallion is not entirely improper. Frankly, he would rather not take the time to get them to use his language. This is not the first 'extraterrestrial' race that he has lived with...but that, is for a later chapter. Maybe, if you can convince me to write it?
1413930 okay so i understand but still couldn't he tell them what to call him not in his language but inbthiers like umm... okay you got me but what others species could he have been with other than different versions of his species, humans and now the ponies
Crap now he's in love with her but doesn't want to snap again and try to harm her with his teeth again(lol) but that's sad
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Tau Niem, since the death of his wife, has found it nearly impossible to have, or feel, any faith, hope or love. When Twilight says that she felt it break him, it did. His mind quite literally broke... "[he] no longer felt fear, or loss, or anger, or anything... It was as if he had died too…? "
Do you remember what he said to Luna in Ch II...?
"...Everything that makes a man, died. I became a beast…I slaughtered them…in my rage, I slaughtered them with my bare hands! "
That's where he's going at the end of that scene, to maul those that took his wife from him, with the same inhuman callous that they had showed her...
In my mind, it would be more possible that Big Mac would have denied Tao the right work because of the lack of money, not because he is racist. If you think about it, if the Cider Season is what barely keeps the farm running then i don't think they would have the extra bits to pay workers.
“We sent them away because they couldn’t live with us, as civilized people.”
I am pretty sure the Danårians would be a lot more wise then to condemn an entire race (or society...whatever you want to call it) purely because most of them don't live up to the expectations that they hold. Not all humans deserve exile or condemnation because their brother can't control himself.
"...even if my own joy was always short live."
Way to end the chapter with a downer...Just because Tao has been through a lot doesn't mean that he can't enjoy the happy times, not matter how small it may be, when it comes.
But that is just my thoughts...overall, I enjoyed the chapter. Tao seems to enjoy playing with fillies (another job maybe? Cheerilee maybe? *Hint Hint*)
Have a good day, and keep writing ^_^
Sorry Jack....but I can't read this story anymore....
Keep on writing though, you are an amazing writer with a lot of skill and unseen talent....
My last piece of criticism from one friend to another is that the key to writing is not only what you write or how you write it, but understanding how your readers will understand what you have written and how you wrote it.
1550240 Wow, lots of comments! Let me answer them...
Big Mac is simply weary of Tau Niem, and he's not the only one, but in the end, you do see that Big Mac comes to see his mistake.
(I'm trying to avoid spoilers here...) Humans are Hunan (exiles) as it has been established. Remember though, Humans have been on Earth a long time...when they arrived, there weren't very many. Also, there are a lot more Hunan out there, though perhaps not by population(?) Hunan are criminals that are deemed unfit for rehabilitation, however Danarians do not kill their own. They haven't for millions of years...
It was supposed to be more melancholy, than an outright downer...but to answer your question, the sad fact is, yeah it pretty much does.
More fillies? Maybe...?
I loved tthat last sentence and hopefully someone didn't past while I'm reading/writing this so i might be first
1596648 Thanks, it just came to me and sounded curiously apt...so it was written.
I JUST LAUGHED AT THAT PERFECT ENDING!!!
ormaybe. 12
have a moustache or two
1714687 Maybe one of these days I can convince Sonic Rain to draw that scene? Because, I agree, Tau Niem planting a kiss on his lips, with the stallion's eyes bugging out would be hilarious to see!
This is very good. Can't wait for the next one.
I'll fav it.
1731240 Thanks, I'm glad to hear you like it! However, the second half likely will not resume until after Christmas? I have a lot of planning to do, in order to make this thing end as well as I want!
In the meantime, The Alicorn Chronicles: The Return, will be flying off the presses soon. That, I want done in time for Christmas...I've got a special plan for a Very Luna Christmas!
Wow, I have not seen very many fanfics like this; very well written. I can;t believe I found out about you by reading one of your comments in a another story. Definate finish reading later, follow and fav.
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bleh this chapter sucked.