Marshmallow Dreams

by Halira

Chapter 91: Ulysses and the Spider

The night passed with no Dreamwardens. There wasn't even a visit from Luna, and none of my fellow candidates deemed it necessary to do a meet-up as we slept. That left me with another night of feeling like my sleep was somehow off. I was just too used to always having Miss Seapony there when I went to sleep that her absence became unnerving. The fact that the will of Luna governed this dream realm created several slight differences in the way it functioned, which led to everything feeling off to me. With all that in mind, I kept to my own dreams through the night.

"RISE AND SHINE! BECAUSE IT IS ALMOST RAINBOW FALLS TIME!"

If there had been any left or right to fall off my bed, I would have. That was not a pleasant way to wake up. Instead, I did a jump that sent my blanket flying and me nearly reaching the ceiling. Iron Will was officially my least favorite minotaur.

That was the first challenge of the morning. The second challenge involved the restroom.

It seemed like the majority of the ship had been woken up simultaneously, and for most people, the first place they went after waking up was the restroom. The problem was, there was only one restroom. If this had been a typical trip by Equestrians, this would not have been a problem, but this was a ship with a mix of ponies and humans. Now, don't get me wrong, I prefer a little privacy when going to tinkle. I had grown up used to it, and it had been an adjustment to give that up when going to college. Most of the other ponies were of a similar mindset to mine. The humans were completely different. The humans were throwing a conniption fit about having to all go into the restroom together and not even being segregated by gender. Blanche's parents were the loudest of the batch, but Blanche wasn't innocent of making a fuss either. The only human who wasn't making aloud hullabaloo was Jonathan, and I could tell that even he had serious misgivings about it. Even the little baby Martinez was crying—although that probably had nothing to do with its opinions about restroom segregation.

Sunflower's family were farmers, and that meant they were early risers. They were also the least concerned with sharing facilities with no privacy, as Sunflower had once explained that this was no different than what they did back home. That meant they had first go to the restroom while the rest of us stood out in the hall fussing—me, Roger, Wild Growth, Wild Growth's husband, Crystal, and the griffins on one side, all trying not to lose our patience with the humans. On the other side were the humans, who were by no means a united front. In fact, the humans spent most of their time going at each other about who would go first. It was almost enough to make me want to go back to bed, almost. Luckily, the night ponies had been awake all night and weren't involved with any of this.

This would have continued, if not for the arrival of a tall figure of ancient yore with hair like the mighty blocks from Stonehenge, face chiseled from the most long-lasting of rock, and finery worthy of any primordial lord. His eyes were deep pools showing sparkling blue water at the bottom of a well that the sun beamed its solar rays perfectly down upon. He stepped forward and began stripping away his second skin, sending the humans scattering, unable to stand his magnificence and glory, before he stepped into the restroom. Not a word was spoken by him because one such as he did not need to speak to such unworthy beings not give his focus a moment of distraction. All we lesser mortals could do was gape in awe at him.

In short, the older man showed up, stripped naked in front of everyone, and went into the restroom to take a shower with no @#$%s given.

The restroom trip became much easier after that, and once I had relieved myself and showered, I made my way to the deck—wondering all the while if there were rainbows at Rainbow Falls and whether our crew had contributed to the yellow this morning.

To my delight, a breakfast buffet was set out on deck. There was plenty of fruit and mounds and mounds of pancakes available, as well as a selection of juices and milk. To my further delight, Equestrians didn't even understand the concept of skim milk, much less have it. Things were looking up after a nasty wake-up call.

Most of the others were having breakfast with their families, which left me having to choose different options than I preferred for who to sit with. Most of the tables were occupied by someone, but I didn't want to eat alone anyway. I eventually settled on joining Crystal and the old man, who had taken a table away from everyone else for themselves.

"Hey! This is the cool kids' table!" the old man exclaimed as I sat down.

Crystal rolled her eyes after finishing off swallowing a berry. "You can sit here. Ignore Ulysses; the old coot is crazy."

"I'm young enough," Ulysses protested. He then reached up to his mouth and pulled his dentures out. "Look at these sparkling whites! Don't see whites like these on old people."

Crystal looked at the teeth and shuddered. "Put those away!" She then looked at me. "Since I doubt you've been formally introduced, meet Ulysses. Don't let his old age fool you. The guy could probably drop Tempest in a fair fight—not that he ever fights fair. He's one of the elite guards for the Dreamwardens. He's Psychic Calm's guy and is scouting Equestria out."

"Little upset to be out here without Psy," Ulysses said with a shake of his head. "But someone has to give him the low down of what he's walking into. Where Psy goes, I go. The guy couldn't do without me—he needs someone with a sense of humor. Otherwise, he might be mistaken for a rock."

I raised an eyebrow at him, looking him over. "You're an elite bodyguard?"

"Yep!" he replies as he quickly used a knife to slice up an orange into eight pieces on the table. I hadn't seen where the knife came from or where it went after, but he was wearing long sleeves. "This whipper-snapper exaggerates a little. I could have taken Tempest with ease about twenty years ago, maybe even ten years ago, but these old bones aren't what they used to be. She fights pretty damn well for someone who didn't have arms for most of her life. Right now, I'd say I could hold my ground against her longer than most. I'd do better, but she knows I'm not as easy a target as I look and isn't fooled. Never underestimate the power of being underestimated."

I looked him over. He seemed normal enough. All I saw was an old man. "Do you have any cool human magic?"

He laughed out loud. "No. No magic for me. I never got ETS. I do everything the old-fashioned way."

"Then… how do you, as a bodyguard, fight magic users?" I asked in confusion.

He whipped out his knife and spun it before making it disappear again. "No matter how powerful the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp their style. That's an old quote from my favorite book. It was the guiding quote for my professional career."

I tilted my head. "What kind of a career needs a quote like-"

"Don't ask," Crystal interrupted quickly. "Dreamwardens love picking through the trash and digging up their reclamation cases and things better left alone—or better yet, locked away. That's how I ended up as an employee, and it's how this old geezer did too. It's best not to ask too many questions about the elites' pasts. Most of us had dumpster fires or worse for lives, ranging from serious depressive sacks of flesh to full-blown psychos. Tempest is one of the more stable elite members. I was more the depressive sack of shit. I'll give you one guess what Ulysses was.", /

I couldn't help it; I inched away from him slightly.

Ulysses' mirth seemed to fade away. "Keyword is was. Psy gave me a chance and spent a lot of time with me on the couch, fixing my head and working through my issues. I won't say I'm perfectly normal nowadays, but who is? I owe that pony more than I can say. When someone tries to hurt Psy, they don't even see me coming."

I noted that he said when and not if. People had tried to hurt Psychic Calm, and Ulysses ended up doing something about it—a knife between the shoulder blades. No one ever suspected an old man. Another thing occurred to me; that was definitely a knife from Earth, and I knew that had to be on the list of things not allowed through. He had somehow slipped that knife of his completely undetected through customs. Did he have other weapons on him or just the one? I wasn't eager to find out.

"I'M THE OLDEST AND THE ALPHA! YOU'LL DO AS I SAY!"

My ears flattened at the volume, and the entire crowd on deck turned to see Arachne and Charlotte glaring at one another, wings spread menacingly, chairs overturned.

"Arachne! Training match, now!" Crystal shouted. The twins lowered their wings and started walking towards Crystal, but she shook her head. "No, just Arachne. Someone needs to be humbled. You also won't be facing me. You'll be facing my friend Ulysses here." She gestured a leg at the old man in question. The old geezer just grinned.

Arachne cocked her head in confusion. "An old man, seriously?"

"Seriously," Crystal confirmed. "Rules for the match are simple. Land a blow on his chest within three minutes without flying any higher than six feet is your goal. His rules are simple too—he's not allowed to break any of your bones or cause you any hurt that you can't walk off in thirty minutes or so."

Rosetta stepped forward. "Is this the time or place for this, Crystal? I'm not objecting to you disciplining my daughter, but right now in this way?"

The crowd was all staring. Iron Will was watching, too, with his arms crossed. However, he didn't make any move to interfere with someone setting up a fight on his ship.

Crystal glanced around the crowd. "It was on the list of things we were assigned to do while here—demonstrate what our bodyguards can do so we can reassure families that we can keep them all safe. Most of these people haven't even considered that if their little first-year college student gets the job, there will be parties who will want to kill their kid and target them—even though we made a point of telling them. Assurances need to be made that won't happen, and now's as good a time as any. That may be your kid, but this is my job, Rosetta, assigned by your wife and her colleagues."

Rosetta set her jaw and laid back her ears. "We'll discuss this later, and I'll have a longer talk with Phobia when we get home."

There were a few mutters about whether the captain would just allow this to happen. Iron Will must have heard them. "Iron Will doesn't care as long as Iron Will's ship isn't damaged. Preventing fighting on board is not in Iron Will's contract."

Crystal grinned. "Into places. It is only three minutes for the round, so this will be over in a hurry."

Was this really happening? Were they just going to start one of their sparring matches in the middle of breakfast on a vacation airship? It certainly seemed like it.

The two took positions in the middle of the deck, and all the other passengers made sure to give them space. I heard many of them muttering about what was some older man fighting a filly supposed to prove. A few of my friends whispered about how Arachne was the best night pony fighter in Skytree and easily beat up grown adults. I didn't think anyone was listening in on my conversation with Crystal and Ulysses, so none of them heard what I was told about him. Even Arachne didn't seem to know what she was walking into. He continued to have his most significant advantage in place—everyone underestimated him.

"You may begin!" Crystal shouted.

Arachne immediately took to the air at the maximum height she was allowed, and I anticipated her directly charging in to finish this quickly. I was shocked when that dive through the air was put on hold as the night pony stayed in a hover examining her foe. Ulysses just stood there, looking utterly unconcerned about the combative filly, as he quietly picked his nose, examined the snot, and wiped it on his pants leg. His entire posture was relaxed, showing no tenseness of muscles that one would expect out of someone anticipating getting hit. To tell the truth, the guy looked downright bored.

The filly landed, stared at him for a few seconds, and began circling him. Ulysses smiled and waved at her, which made her bare her teeth, but didn't make her charge in. She just continued to circle.

"What's wrong, sis? Scared of an old man?" Charlotte mockingly jeered.

Arachne spared a glance at her sister. "An old man who the Dreamwardens employ, and Crystal matched me up against to teach me a lesson? I think I have the right to be cautious. You've got eyes, little sis. How about you use them? That guy has at least six weapons on him."

"At least," Ulysses confirmed with a big grin. "My my… Tempest did a good job training you. Have to hand it to you; most wouldn't have caught a hint of that many if any at all. Can you tell me what each one out of the ones you noticed is?"

The filly continued to circle, but shook her head. The old man hung his head in disappointment. "Still gaps in your training then. Oh well."

"Running out of time, Arachne," Crystal warned.

"Don't rush me," Arachne said as she continued to circle the old man. He left his back exposed to her, not even turning to look at her, still not tensing a muscle as anticipating an attack. Instead, he proceeded to scratch his genitals. A few humans made disgusted sounds.

"Thirty seconds left," Crystal announced.

Arachne promptly sat down on her rump. "I concede."

"What!?" Charlotte shouted. "Since when do you give up without a fight?"

Arachne glared at her. "When it is a no-win scenario, that's when. I can tell he's too good to land a blow on his chest in that tiny amount of time, especially when he is expecting it. The only thing I could realistically do is force him into hurting me, so we both lose, and we can call it a draw, but that still leaves me hurt just for the sake of him not winning. I have no vendetta against him where that would bring me any satisfaction. I lose nothing other than the match if I just concede. If I fight, I stand to lose some blood and still lose the match whether he wins or loses. There is no benefit to trying to fight in this situation, so I won't. I'm a daughter of Phobia Remedy and granddaughter of Sunset Blessing, and I'm not going to let Crystal humiliate me. I'll lose on my own terms."

With that said, Arachne lifted her nose and tail and marched back to the cabins below.

Crystal took a deep breath. "That filly is getting more dangerous by the day. I'm glad Rosetta's going to have words with me about this because I have a lot of concerns to express."

"PICK YOUR SPIRITS UP BECAUSE RAINBOW FALLS IS COMING UP!" Iron Will announced.

Comments

[harts fire]

amazing chapter. and poo i so wanted to see a pony shaved bald.

[Chrome Masquerade]

Arachne glared at her. "When it is a no-win scenario, that's when. I can tell he's too good to land a blow on his chest in that tiny amount of time, especially when he is expecting it. The only thing I could realistically do is force him into hurting me, so we both lose, and we can call it a draw, but that still leaves me hurt just for the sake of him not winning. I have no vendetta against him where that would bring me any satisfaction. I lose nothing other than the match if I just concede. If I fight, I stand to lose some blood and still lose the match whether he wins or loses. There is no benefit to trying to fight in this situation, so I won't. I'm a daughter of Phobia Remedy and granddaughter of Sunset Blessing, and I'm not going to let Crystal humiliate me . I'll lose on my own terms."

Very wise words. Though oddly it kind of reminds me of something.

" I USED A THESAURUS! YOU SEE, IF I STUCK DIRECTLY WITH TRUE OR FALSE, THE PUZZLE IS UNSOLVABLE...BUT YOU SOLVED THE WORD SEARCH BY POINTING OUT IT WAS INCORRECT WITHIN THE RULES OF THE PUZZLE, SO I DID THE SAME! A TRUE STATEMENT IS INHERENTLY CORRECT, WHEREAS A FALSE ONE IS INCORRECT, INHERENTLY FALLACIOUS! AND BECAUSE NEITHER STATEMENT COULD BE CORRECTLY SOLVED WITHIN THE RULES AS PRESENTED, BOTH STATEMENTS WERE FALLACIOUS, AND THUS FALSE! " He let out an excited laugh. " BEHOLD THE GENIUS LOGIC OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS, MASTER OF PUZZLE SOLVING! "

[Kek lel]

Haha love it