Marshmallow Dreams

by Halira

Chapter 24: Tests

Miss Nightmares, known to be the most fearsome Dreamwarden, was in the kitchen, putting on a pot of coffee and fetching her homemade cake. Supposedly chocolate cake. I didn't know how to feel about one If the most frightening ponies alive having specially made me a chocolate cake. I mean… she's the Queen of Nightmares, but it's chocolate cake… those things shouldn’t go together.

"You know, I feel kind of honored," Jess said slowly.

I looked over at her. "About what? Getting to hear this conversation?"

She did a brushing off gesture with her hand. "This conversation? No, hearing you might be the next Dreamwarden was a tiny shock, but I can see some logic to it. It's not the most shocking thing I've ever heard of out of Phobia. She's been hitting me with one crazy revelation after another since I was a tiny little filly. It starts to get mundane after a while. She could walk in here with irrefutable proof that the world is being run by a pair of parakeets and I would just figure out how to roll with that."

I sat and flicked an ear. "So… what do you feel honored about?"

"I'm in the top thousandth percentile of people that they would consider for Dreamwarden," she said with a laugh.

"Huh?" I tilted my head. "But she said there were like thirty or forty thousand people ahead of you on the list."

She nodded. "Yep, which puts over ninety-nine point nine-nine-seven percent of people with magic that I'm ahead of; that's statistically impressive."

Okay, that made me giggle. "Always great to look on the bright side!"

“Eh,” she shook her head. "I'm not going to lie, I don't want to be any higher on that list. Dreamwarden is not a job I want. I've known Phobia most of my life, and I know she doesn't enjoy her job. I don't think any of the Dreamwardens do."

I tilted my head. "Why wouldn't they? Dreamwardens can help everyone. Why would anyone want to turn up that?"

"Because-" Jess began.

"Because of how many restrictions are put on us, unwanted knowledge we're forced to know, the terrible decisions we might be required to make, and how helpless we feel in most situations," Miss Nightmares answered as she walked into the room holding a small cake laden plate in her wings. The night pony carefully set the plate down on a small table in the middle of the room. "Jess, your coffee should be about ready. You may fetch it now."

I watched as Jess hurried out of the room, and then went to investigate the slice of cake. It was indeed a chocolate cake with a layer of dark fudge inside and yellow frosting covering the exterior. It looked really moist and really good.

"There is more, if you wish. You can dig right in," Miss Nightmares said, as she flapped her wings a few times to fly up on one of the couches and relaxed against one of the frilly pillows.

She didn't need to tell me twice. I bit right into the side and started chewing. My eyes half-lidded as I savored the taste. "Soo good."

"Thank you for the compliment. I never baked before becoming a Dreamwarden, but we tend to inherit traits from predecessor Dreamwardens here and there. This is a trait I think you'd inherit as well."

I swallowed, suddenly something about the cake felt sinister. "So who did you pick baking up from?"

"Sha'am was a very avid baker of sweet treats," Miss Nightmares replied with a smirk.

The cake didn't seem so appetizing now, and I stepped back from it.

"I was wondering how'd you react to that news," Miss Nightmares replied lazily.

I perked my ears up and looked at her. "Is this a test?"

She shrugged. "If you wish to view it that way. I thought this might be a good way of introducing the concept of inherited traits among Dreamwardens." She patted a hoof to the sport beside her. "Come, sit with me, I don't bite."

She didn't look dangerous, but she was also Miss Nightmares. At the same time, if I needed to impress her I didn't want to look cowardly around her. I mustered my courage, determined to impress her, and jumped up on the couch right next to her without flying, and was surprised when she flinched and yelped.

"Sorry," she said after taking a breath. "I didn't expect you to jump up that close to me. I thought I'd need to ease you over. I at least expected you to fly to give me warning. I misjudged you."

I immediately scooted back from her. "I'm sorry! Did I land on your leg or hoof? I only normally land on my parents, and they're big enough that it just makes them go oooffff. Why do you have human sized furniture that we need to jump up on anyway?"

She steadied herself. "Don't worry, you didn't land on me. I just get a little jumpy when things come near me quickly. A reflex from a bad experience." Explaining it seemed to calm her down. "As for the furniture; I host humans often, and Tempest lives here full time, and she makes the most use of the living room. My wife and I also have a love for vintage furniture- now that our foals are old enough they won't destroy anything of value. It also gives me little excuses to stretch my wings, since I don't fly nearly as much as I should."

"Oh," I replied dumbly, and did a little hop on the cushions. "Um, it's a very nice couch, very cushy. I don't fly as much as I should either. I'm not a very good flyer."

She nodded. "A fact about you I knew, but only by way of dreams." She let out a long sigh. "Knowing things as a Dreamwarden is rarely very helpful. It is part of why I wanted to deal with you face-to-face. It’s a much better experience when I’m not waiting for you to speak because I know what you’re thinking."

"You knew I like cake," I replied.

"Well, I have spies, don’t I? They left out the part about the flying, so it was as if I didn't know it, even though I did," she explained.

"I don't really understand," I confessed.

She settled back down into a fully relaxed position. "It's something you have to experience to fully grasp."

"Oh…" I replied, not really understanding how she could know and not know something at the same time. I decided to just drop it. I was supposed to be impressing her. "You were telling me about inherited traits. I heard from Miss Seapony about those, but she said they were unpredictable. You acted confident I would pick up the baking."

Miss Nightmares chuckled softly. "Yinyu is very good at many things, but she takes less interest in studying our nature than me or Psychic Calm. There's no surefire way of knowing what traits might be inherited, but there are patterns that we can use to make educated guesses. It's even really simple patterns; we tend to inherit traits that compliment who we are already. With you being so fond of what comes out of the oven, it isn't much of a stretch to think you'd inherit a love for baking."

I looked down. "I just worry about inheriting bad things."

"A good concern to have," my companion replied. I jerked my head up and looked at her. "The Dreamwarden mantle is a powerful one, and you should be fearful about inheriting the worst in us. No one wants another Sha'am or another Joss, no one wants someone whose worst traits fall easily in concert with other bad traits. That fear means you're aware of the danger that poses, and it will help protect you against it."

I didn't know who Joss was, and decided not to ask. "How much does it change you?"

She shook her head. "For me, it was hard to say. I was still figuring out who I was when I became a Dreamwarden. I understood some things about myself, such as my connection with fear, but many other things I was still discovering. I can tell you things I suspect I inherited from each of my brothers and sisters, as well as Luna."

I asked about the first one that popped into my head. "What do you think you inherited from Miss Seapony?"

She gave a dramatic flip of her mane. "A love for being pretty, although I didn't inherit her very famous love of sex. I'm very much the polar opposite of her in that department."

"And Mister Potty-Mouth?"

"You mean Ghadab? I helped in his creation, so I inherited nothing from him. He no doubt inherited some things from me, but that's for him to discuss with you, not me. I'm told I have some of Luna's bearing, and I can see that, so I suspect it is something I got from her. I think Yinyu inherited a greater part of Luna's compassion than me, not that I'm without compassion, just that she is more compassionate than me. She became much more compassionate after becoming Dreamwarden and she didn't get that extra compassion from Sha'am or Krik- not that Krik is a bad guy, he just isn't what I'd call a bleeding heart."

"So...Miss Seapony is only nice because she inherited that from Luna?" I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

Miss Nightmares shook her head. "No, what she inherited complimented what was already part of her. She already had a kind heart, it just became even kinder after getting mixed with Luna's kindness. It is traits that enhance who we are that we inherit, not traits that change who we are at the core. We are still us, just an enhanced version of ourselves. Ghadab is still all about his justice and righteous anger at injustice, Arbiter is still the supporter and influencer lurking in the background, Psy is still the calm and logical psychologist, we are still individuals."

Jess walked into the room in an annoyed huff, gripping a coffee mug with both hands. "You need to take down those stupid chains from your kitchen ceiling! It's been years since you needed them, and I keep running into them."

Miss Nightmares raised an eyebrow at her human guest as Jess flopped back into the chair. "Apologies, I'll get around to it, sooner or later. Rosetta's the one that put them up to start with. We don't normally have anyone as tall as you walking around the kitchen. Tempest is a full head shorter than you."

I gave the two a puzzled look. "Why are there chains hanging from your kitchen ceiling?"

"Phobia and Rosetta have some really freaky parenting concepts," Jess replied, and took a sip of her coffee. When she lowered the mug back down she looked right at me. "They used to hang things their foals wanted from the ceiling, back when the demons were all too young to fly. It was like a game where they had to figure out how to get the item and make off with it before anyone could catch them. They dragged me into it once, when I was a filly."

"Rosetta encouraged them to have critical thinking, work as a team, and develop survival skills," Miss Nightmares explained in defense. "They also had fun doing it, and got some treats. Also, night ponies at that age tend to need to burn off a lot of mischief and aggression, otherwise there's no telling what trouble they can get up to."

"They all but destroyed your house each time," Jess countered.

Miss Nightmares shrugged. "Oh, it was chaos, but it was a controlled chaos. You learn to accept some chaos into your life when you become a parent."

Jess's face went blank for some reason, and she went back to quietly sipping her coffee. I got the impression it wasn't just a disagreement, but something else that bothered her. Miss Nightmares stared at her for a moment before saying anything else to her. "I'll be visiting your dreams tonight to help you. I can't fix it, but I can help you work through your feelings."

"I don't need help," Jess snapped.

Miss Nightmares leveled a glare at her. "Yes, you do. This is something that can fester, and I am not having that happen. We will address it head on. Face your fears."

Jess set the mug down on a nearby end table and crossed her arms. "I face my fears just fine, thank you very much.'

"Then you won't be bothered if I tell my son, as well as Arachne, and Tempest that you find all of them very attractive, in a turn you on type of way. Oh! And tell my wife you think that same way about me."

Jess sat bolt upright and pointed a finger at Miss Nightmares. "You aren't supposed to reveal things you learn in dreams!" Her eyes went wide and she immediately covered her mouth.

Miss Nightmares giggled like a school filly. "I have eyes, and I'm pretty sure Rosetta and Tempest already know. You can calm down. It's flattering, really. I won't say anything else about your teenage crushes."

Jess still looked mortified. She looked at me and pointed a finger at me. "Keep your lips zipped!"

I ran a hoof in front of my mouth. "Lips are zipped."

She stared at me as if judging my sincerity for a few seconds before turning back to Miss Nightmares. "What I'm dealing with isn't a fear."

"You aren't dealing with it, you're trying to pretend you're okay with it. I'm the Queen of Nightmares, and sometimes the worst of all nightmares don't involve fear," the Dreamwarden replied sagely. "The fear you do have is admitting how much you hurt."

Jess glared at Miss Nightmares and then glanced at me. "I guess if she's going to be a Dreamwarden she'll find out anyway, so let's talk about it, here and now. Yeah, I'm upset my eggs are only capable of being fertilized by a statistically improbable partial. It wasn't exactly planning on having kids until I was much older, but hearing that I can't hurts, it hurts a lot. What's worse, it isn't because of any common fucking defect women get- no, it's because I'm not fully human and not a pony either. I'm just a thing unto myself. My own little species of one. I see myself as human, but my biology calls me a liar."

This was a lot of very personal information, and I wanted to object that I wasn't definitely going to be a Dreamwarden and that I had no right to be hearing all this. She wasn't done though.

"I figured, maybe when I was about thirty or so I could think about having kids," she said, tears streaming from her eyes. "Robby is probably going to have lots of foals, and unless my little brother turns out to be gay, he'll have kids when he grows up too. I imagined big family gatherings where all the cousins were playing together, and I would cuddle up with whoever I ended up with and just watching them play. Yeah, I'm a scientist, but I don't want that to be all of who I am. Is it wrong for me to want something resembling a normal life? One where I do normal things like raise a family, instead of spending every second trying to figure out how to save the world? Is that so wrong?"

"You could adopt," I suggested.

She sneered at me. "Look at me! It might not be right, but do you think social workers look at me and don't immediately start thinking of excuses I can't adopt? They are hesitant to let parents adopt outside their species already, what are they going to think when they see me? I live every day of my life getting those looks. I refuse to try to hide what I am, even if I deny it to myself. I wouldn't have acceptance in scientific circles if scientists weren't looking at my work long before meeting me. It isn't fair, but it's reality."

"You're ruling out the possibility too soon," Miss Nightmares said quietly. "Just because it might be harder for you to adopt doesn't mean it isn't possible. You're letting your fear of what they may think of you rule you."

Jess slammed a fist against the arm of the chair. "Okay, so suppose I managed to adopt a human child or a pony foal. That kid gets to grow up with others picking on him or her over his adopted freak mother!"

"This isn't about not being able to have kids, is it?" I asked. She gave me a sullen glare, and I climbed off the couch. She watched me as I walked over to her and put a hoof against one of her legs. "You're upset because you're being forced to face the fact you aren't fully human, and it hurts."

"You wouldn't understand," she mumbled.

I sat down. "Maybe not, not all the way. I can understand not feeling part of the group you think you belong to though." She continued to silently watch me, and I sighed and raised a wing up. "Look at me. I'm a pegasus, but I'm a cruddy pegasus. I can't really cloudwalk, can't do any weather magic, and my flight is an embarrassment to even watch. I have a lot of night pony magic, but I don't really fit with them either; I'm not aggressive, I'm still a worse flyer than them, I'm not nocturnal, just to name a few things. I know what it's like to be kind of caught between two worlds, and not fitting all the way in either of them. It might not be as extreme as your case, but I do get the concept. It's lonely, and you wish you could be a little more normal, or at least what counts as normal.

"They stare at me like I'm some sort of freak when they watch me fly. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does," I confessed. "I always need to put on a brave and happy face. I'm forced to laugh at myself, because if people don't laugh with me they'll surely laugh at me. I learned that a long time ago. I know people can be cruel."

"I'm not in a hurry to be the butt of any joke, even my own," Jess replied bitterly.

"Then don't be," I answered. "But acknowledge what they're seeing and be loud and proud about it. You're not normal, and that's great. You wouldn't be normal if you were just a human or a pony. You told me proudly that you were one of the smartest people on Earth or Equestria, and you owned that. Own the fact you aren't fully human either. Don't let others determine that's something to be ashamed of. You have cool magic that's all your own. You can hear like a pony, better than a pony using your magic. You're a super genius. Any kid should be glad to have you as a mother. Any person should be glad to know you, because they aren't going to get a chance to meet anyone else quite like you."

She sat still for a moment, then suddenly stood up. "I need to go wash my face, but… thank you for the words of encouragement. It's things I know I should do, but it helps hearing it from someone else. I'll keep the sound barrier up while I'm gone, don't worry."

She walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Miss Nightmares. I wondered how much I helped, if I helped at all. I didn't like seeing people hurt like that.

An odd sound from behind me caught my attention, and I turned to see Miss Nightmares oddly clapping her wings together. "Excellent job."

My mouth fell open. "Was that a test? Did you set that up to happen on purpose?"

She smiled at me. "Another thing I picked up from Sha'am. She was quite the manipulator. Yes, that was a test."

I narrowed my brow. "How could you? She is so upset, and you used her to test me?"

"Jess needed that, and I would have seen that she faced things herself. Maybe not as gently or directly as you did, as it is not my way, but I would have guided her to it in my own manner," Miss Nightmares replied, then her expression became sad. "This may sound cold, but she is important to other plans of mine, and I can't afford her getting depressed. I care deeply about her, as she is essentially family, but I have other things I must assure go as planned. Things too important to leave to chance. Things that she brought to my attention as being urgent."

"What kinds of things?" I asked, still mad that she was using Jess just to test me.

She shook her head. "Nothing you need mind yourself with right now. If you become a Dreamwarden you'll be glad for every moment you didn't know about them, and I'll not take those moments away. Jess knows what is at stake, and her logic will agree with me. I don't doubt for a second she is eavesdropping on us right now."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just looked back towards where Jess had exited the room. "Do you think she'll be alright?"

"Jess is a tough girl, and can be very brave. Do you want to know why she had to rehumanize?"

I looked back in interest. "I don't want to pry into her private business-"

"Oh, it's public record. You can find news articles about it," Miss Nightmares replied with a wave of her wing. "When my foals, my sisters, and her were all small they got into a very dangerous situation. Jess ended up sacrificing herself to save my little sister Jordan. It was a far far braver thing than most foals could have done in a similar circumstance, but it left her gravely injured. She rehumanized because it was the only way she was sure to live. That girl is a hero in addition to all the things you said. She continues to be a hero in other ways, as she helps me prepare for the most important conflict that this planet will ever face, and I'm glad I have someone as brave and capable helping me."

"You said she was eavesdropping."

"That I don't doubt she is eavesdropping," Miss Nightmares corrected with a chuckle. "And as Jess can tell you; I don't lie."

"I just hope she's alright," I said softly. "People shouldn't feel ashamed of themselves like that, even if they've tried to convince themselves they aren't."

"There are certainly things people should be ashamed of," Miss Nightmares countered.

"Not things that they have no control over and that aren't bad things," I clarified. "She has no control over what she is and it isn't even a bad thing. Why do you have to keep testing me, Miss Nightmares?"

"I think we can dispense with the foalish term for me. My name is Phobia Remedy, and I'm the Warden of Fear," the night pony said gravely. "I test you because I don't want mistakes to happen. I promised myself that I would make sure we would never again let a Dreamwarden hurt people like Sha'am did. Which brings me to my key question before we end this meeting, and my final test for you."

My ears flattened as I stared at her. "What is it?"

Phobia narrowed her eyes. "If it came down to it. Would you be willing to erase all the Dreamwardens from existence for the sake of the world?"

Comments

[badninja]

That last line is quite thought provoking. I wonder what the answer will be?

[Chrome Masquerade]

Miss Nightmares, known to be the most fearsome Dreamwarden, was in the kitchen, putting on a pot of coffee and fetching her homemade cake. Supposedly chocolate cake. I didn't know how to feel about one of the most frightening ponies alive having specially made me a chocolate cake. I mean… she's the Queen of Nightmares, but it's chocolate cake… those things shouldn’t go together.

This is already suspicious.

[Chrome Masquerade]

"Because of how many restrictions are put on us, unwanted knowledge we're forced to know, the terrible decisions we might be required to make, and how helpless we feel in most situations."

How about those more... *ahem* ""private"" dreams?

[Chrome Masquerade]

Miss Nightmares shook her head. "No, what she inherited complimented what was already part of her. She already had a kind heart, it just became even kinder after getting mixed with Luna's kindness. It is traits that enhance who we are that we inherit, not traits that change who we are at the core. We are still us, just an enhanced version of ourselves. Ghadab is still all about his justice and righteous anger at injustice, Arbiter is still the supporter lurking in the background, Psy is still the calm and logical psychologist, we are still individuals."

that's complemented
you might try "even more so" and "Traits are that which". Just sayin'.

[Chrome Masquerade]

"They all but destroyed your house each time," Jess countered.

Put it this way. Do you want them entertained... or bored?

[Chrome Masquerade]

"I don't need help," Jess snapped.

[Chrome Masquerade]

She stared at me as if judging my sincerity for a few seconds before turning back to Miss Nightmares.

i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/916/909/9bb.gif

[Chrome Masquerade]

Phobia narrowed her eyes. "If it came down to it. Would you be willing to erase all the Dreamwardens from existence for the sake of the world?"

It's the Life is Strange question all over again. Save many and sacrifice one, or vice-versa? I can't choose for her.