Spike Hates Himself

by Soaring

Pink Hugs Are Ineffective Killers

Author's Note:

Pinkie Pie is on crack.

Written in a hour and a half. Many thanks to Wraith for the editing help once again. Appreciate you!

Spike was finally out of the castle. After having his long, unintentional conversation with Starlight while trying to eat his morning meal, he definitely needed to go outside. After all, it was on Starlight’s recommendation. He needed to feel better about himself, right? Not everything he said would be wrong, and he could learn to move on from Rarity. It wasn’t the end of the world! It was only the end of one, and the beginning of another.

Yet, Spike felt his heart twinge at the thought of the one ending, and it made him feel like he hated himself for ending it. He needed to find some of his friends so he could get this all behind him. The question was, who? Who can he talk to about this other than Twilight, who was out doing her own Princess-y stuff without him?

He couldn’t cross that bridge with her yet anyway. He didn’t want her to be disappointed in him. She was an even bigger worrywort than Starlight was. He wouldn’t be able to bear it yet. And Rarity, he didn’t want to see her for a while. He had a heart that needed repairing, and it needed to be filled with copious amounts of sugar.

Spike’s eyes widened.

“Pinkie…”

Pinkie Pie would be perfect to see right now! Granted, he had already eaten, but she would know what to do! She would be able to lead him in the right direction, and with a little bit of convincing, she wouldn’t tell a soul about it, not even Twilight.

Clenching his claw into a fist, Spike, with a slight curl in his lips, walked on, the path to the Sugarcube Corner laying in front of him.

---

It took him a few minutes to get there, but he finally made it. The big building that looked like a target for a dragon ten times his size (if they would want to have fake cream with a side of splinters for food that is). Yet Spike was excited. Nervous-excited, of course, but still excited.

He walked up the steps to the establishment, and pressed on the door.

The door gently opened up, revealing the inside of the building. There was no one else inside, which made Spike actually happy to see, since getting Pinkie Pie’s attention would be so much easier. There would be no one to distract her from helping Spike with his problems and—

Spike sighed. His problems. He knew Starlight said it was okay to talk to other ponies about it, but it still was him coming to someone else and offloading his problems onto them. It irked him, slightly, his brow twitching at the thought of even doing this, yet he had to. It was Starlight’s idea, and Spike valued her words more than himself right now.

He hated that about himself.

“Oh, hello, Spike!”

The voice brought Spike out of his headspace. It was Mrs. Cake. What was she doing behind the counter? “Hello, Mrs. Cake.”

His voice carried a smidgen of sadness. He knew Mrs. Cake would catch that easily. She was sharp, just like Pinkie Pie. His eyes carried over to her, and she, indeed, caught it. Her eyes looked a bit bigger, as if she recognized that tone. And her hoof was slowly raised up, beckoning him to come closer.

And he did. He walked up to the counter.

“How are you doing today?”

The question filled his mind. He shouldn’t divulge this to her. He was looking for Pinkie Pie anyway.

“I’m doing… fine, Mrs. Cake.”

“That doesn’t sound all too fine, Spike,” she said, a brow raised now. “Are you looking to get some food, or are you here to talk to Pinkie about something?”

He twiddled his claws. Caught, yet again. “I'm here to talk to Pinkie Pie. Is she in?”

Mrs. Cake reached out, almost as to tap him on his claw, but she stopped herself. Why did she do that? Spike couldn’t figure it out, but the tapping of her hoof against the wooden countertop made it feel like she was trying to restrain herself. It made sense for her to do, since he had asked for Pinkie Pie only.

Yet, Mrs. Cake had said something. She asked and inquired further, even showing a bit more care than he expected.

That made Spike respect her a bit more than he already had.

“Yes, she is. I’ll go get her, hun. You stay riiight there!” Mrs. Cake commanded.

“I won’t be going anywhere, Mrs. Cake.”

The two shared a brief smile, although one looked more forced than the other. Then, the mare left the dragon alone, to the sound of a noiseless confectionery preparing itself for the inevitable late morning rush.

Spike took a moment to lean on the counter a bit. He needed to clear his head before Pinkie came. He didn’t want to embarrass himself like he did with Starlight. After all, if Pinkie heard him say that, out of nowhere without a prelude of some sort, she’d probably hate herself for not helping him out sooner.

The possibility of that happening frightened Spike. His legs suddenly felt weaker. And those little claws of his that ratta-tap-tapped the top of the counter increased in speed. What would she think of him if that happened? Would she think less of him? No, Pinkie wasn’t like that. Not one bit! She cared about everyone.

Spike gulped, and watched as Pinkie strolled up to the counter.

“Spike!”

“Pinkie Pie!” Spike smiled. Even with this mask back on, he could make one of these smiles convincing enough for her. “How are you?”

The pink bubbly mare began her tirade. “I'm doing great! I just finished talking to Mr. Cake about tomorrow’s orders, which was why Mrs. Cake was keeping watch out here! Oohh, Spike, there’s this cake we have to make, and it’s so tall, it’s like if somepony took me, duplicated me, and then stacked me on top of me! It’s going to be soooo much fun! I can’t wait to make it!” She practically beamed at him, as she continued, “So, what about you, Spike? How are you doing?”

Spike felt sweat trickle down his body. Well, he would have if he actually could sweat. He felt his mask begin to crack in front of her, but he wasn’t going to give up. Even if his smile told her otherwise. “I’m doing p-pretty good and—”

Suddenly, Pinkie’s tail twitched a bit. Her muzzle scrunched up, and her eyes went ‘bonkers’. It was a sight to behold, and it worried Spike. Not because of all the twitching and scrunching.

No, it was because he saw that mane of hers slowly deflate.

“Spike…”

Spike cursed underneath his breath. He couldn’t dodge this one either, could he? He sighed. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“You’re not okay, are you?”

“It’s been one of those days,” he mumbled. He let his hand rest on the counter. “You ever had that happen to you, Pinkie?”

She tilted her head, before coming out from behind the counter and sitting down in front of Spike. “I… I kinda have. One time, I felt super-de-dooper sad, like so sad that I felt like the whole Sugarcube Corner was going to fall on top of me!” She rubbed her forelegs together, and looked away from Spike. “It was a really bad night. I couldn’t think of anything else. If we had stayed the way we did when Discord…” She gulped. “I slept horribly that night, even though it had all been taken care of.”

“Really?”

She bobbed her head rather dejectedly. She nearly flinched at seeing Spike’s gobsmacked look. “Guess Twilight hid that from you.”

“She never told me you girls were hurting over that.” He put a claw behind his neck. “What did you do to get out of that funk?”

Slowly, he watched her look up at him. Her mane began to look puffy again, but not as puffy as it usually did. She just stared blankly at him. “It took me a bit to think of things differently. Instead of being all moopey, I had to think of what we did. That we weren’t those ponies anymore. I wasn’t going to be down about it, I had to spread cheer and party! It’s what I do, and that’s all that there’s to it!” Her mouth slowly formed into a smile. “You know when you’re down, I’ll be there to turn your frown—”

“Upside down,” Spike finished, smiling at her. He put a claw on her shoulder. “You know just what to say, don’t you?”

“Yep! Otherwise I wouldn’t be Pinkie. I would be…” Pinkie paused, her muzzle contorting slightly. “Somepony else.” She frowned. “Sorry, the name generator I used got hugged to death by a runaway bandit in the back.”

“A runaway what?”

Pinkie shook her head rapidly. “Never mind! I’m better now! How about you?”

Spike blinked. “I guess I’m better. I mean, I think I should still talk to you about this whole thing, since well… it’s important.”

“Importante?” Pinkie Pie leaned close to Spike, her snout pressing against his nose. “How important?”

Those pink eyes of hers darted, looking at any single gaze that could help her figure out why Spike was feeling the way he was. Spike knew she’d find it, but she would want him to tell her anyway.

So, he did.

“Enough that it makes me want to kill myself right here, right now, with you possibly wrapping your hooves around my neck just to make sure I did it right.”

His eyes widened. “What did I just say?”

Pinkie Pie nearly fell on her back, but she kept herself still. She stayed there for a bit, staring. She stared, and stared, and stared, and stared, until staring wasn’t working out for her. Then she shook in place, like a pony trying to shake a bottle of chocolate syrup because the last bit of it was stuck at the bottom. Spike took a couple steps back, worried that she’ll explode into confetti.

Then, the shaking stopped. Her mane deflated again. She walked up to Spike, and pulled him close, her hooves wrapping around his form. “Spike…”

He heard her whimper near his ear. It nearly made him cave in too, but he kept his ground. He cried enough already, it wasn’t something he needed to repeat. Shakily, he took a deep breath. “Yeah, Pinkie?”

She squeezed the dragon tightly. “Stop hurting yourself.”

“But Pinkie I—”

“Just stop!” she shouted. It echoed in his ear. It shocked him that Pinkie would even shout at him, especially now. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Because I hate myself,” he said, dryly. “I hate that I can’t keep myself together as of late. I hate that I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t get out of. I hate that… I hate that I’m making ponies take my problems and put them on their plates. It’s not fair to them.”

Pinkie rubbed a hoof against the poor dragon’s back. “Spike… what caused all this?”

“Rarity.” The word just fluttered out, and died in Pinkie’s ears.

“What did she do?”

“She just… was herself. I asked her out on a date, but I messed up, and ended up doing something stupid.”

Pinkie Pie nuzzled his cheek. He shivered in response. "I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her.”

“You… what?”

Silence pervaded the building. The only thing that echoed in their ears was a door slamming in the back. It was probably the Cakes, they didn’t want to hear this type of issue. It was private, after all.

Yet they were talking about it in a bakery that was still open.

“Yeah…” Spike croaked out. He sighed. “I didn’t tell Starlight this part. Didn’t want her to yell at me.”

“She knows about this?”

“Well, other than that little bit, yeah. It just spilled out over breakfast and I…” Spike’s voice trailed off. His eyes widened.

Best friends don’t keep secrets!

“I just messed up again.”

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “No, you didn’t. Look, let’s sit down by the table and talk about this, okay?”

“Are you sure?”

“Spike, I’m as sure as a sugar overload on a Sunday morning.”

Spike couldn’t argue with that. Pinkie was hyped on sugar most days, but Sunday, she was in hyperspeed.

So, he trudged on over to the table, and hopped onto a barrel. He waited for Pinkie to join him, but it looked like she was getting something out from behind the counter. What was she doing?

Then, Spike’s eyes widened. Two milkshakes were plopped on top of the counter. She slid them down it before beckoning Spike over. He hopped off his spot and grabbed the two drinks. “You…?”

“Thought I’d make us something to sip on while we talk about our feelings,” Pinkie replied. “Is that okay?”

Spike nodded. “This is more than okay, Pinkie. Thank you.”

She smiled and watched as the dragon took the two drinks over to the table. She quickly followed behind him, and hopped onto her seat. She threw a hoof at the dragon, who promptly tilted his head. “What did you just...?”

“Dig in, Spike!”

Spike let out a chuckle. “That’s what that meant?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie replied. “I want you to be happy, so happy that you’ll just combust in happiness! And milkshakes make everypony who isn’t hooked on veganism high on life!” She took a rather long sip of her drink and let out a satisfied sigh. “Just like me! Sugar is the pathway to happiness, Spike. It also makes me belch, though, so I don’t think it’s—” As if on queue, she burped, loudly. She giggled. “It’s the best, Spike. It truly is!”

He watched as Pinkie giggled to herself. She knew how to be happy even when happiness was not plentiful. How did she do it? Was sugar really the price we pay for happiness? He didn’t know anymore. Everything mostly felt numb to him.

Spike nodded and tried sharing her enthusiasm. “Sounds like it!” He took a sip of his drink. It tasted… like a milkshake. “So… do you want me to just talk?”

Pinkie Pie hummed to herself before she spoke, “Yes.”

“About what?”

…

“Yourself. What you’re feeling, and why you came to me about this whole thing.”

Spike couldn’t bring his gaze to Pinkie. He felt that pressure build up inside him again, like he should be embarrassed and disappointed. He felt that, even now, with Pinkie being nice to him, that behind that shroud of happiness the pink mare was disappointed, upset, even despising him. Any second now, she would kick him out, and not want to be friends with him anymore.

And yet, he was here. She hadn’t kicked him out. He wasn’t getting squished to death, He wasn’t getting screamed at.

Spike still prepared himself, and his core responded in kind. It burned gently in the wake of a forest fire.

“I… want to let you know that I didn’t mean for all this to happen,” he began softly. “I was just wanting to finally confess to Rarity but she just… she ignored me every single time. And I just had enough of her not recognizing it.” He felt extremely cold as he continued. “I wanted her to be mine, y’know? She’s the pony for me and… well, I thought she would at least recognize my advances. Even if she wanted to tell me ‘no’, I wouldn’t be upset with her. I would do as she asked, because I would still want her in my life…”

Spike frowned. “Now, I’m here without her while she—”

Pinkie Pie shoved a hoof near his mouth, stopping him from saying a word. “Spike, do you know what she’s been doing?”

Spike blinked. Then he blinked again. “No… I thought she was just fine and—mmph!”

Pinkie’s hoof was on his lips, shushing him. It tasted like cotton candy. “She’s been worried sick about you.”

That got Spike perked up. He shoved Pinkie’s hoof aside. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she muttered. She twiddled with her forehooves. “She came into the bakery a week ago, saying not to tell anypony about it.” She gasped. “And I just told you… Did I just break a Pinkie Promise?”

Spike tisk-tisk-tisked her. “That’s bad for PR, Pinkie.”

Pinkie let out a laugh. “My PR is perfect, Spike! Everyone enjoys a good Pinkie Pie Party™!”

That they did. He couldn’t disagree with her. “You’re right. Your parties are great.” He chuckled. “You know, I appreciate that you told me that. Kinda makes me feel like she’s in this with me now. Did she tell you anything that you could tell me?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No… now that would be violating the terms of service.” She perked up rather suddenly, her hair bouncing happily. “You know I can tell you something though!”

“Please, tell me. Anything that’ll help me with this is appreciated,” Spike begged.

Then, she let it rip. “Rarity wants to talk to you about it.”

“S-She does?”

That made him nervous as can be. Why would she want to talk to him after all of this? He left her out to dry and—

“Yeah. She really cares about you, and this whole situation seems like a huge miscommunication…” Pinkie Pie frowned. “I hate when my friends are in trouble. I want you all to be happy.” She then put that frown of hers upside down. “And if this can help you, then I’m happy.”

Spike took a rather long sip of his drink. It tasted better than just a milkshake, now. “I am happier now, so it’s working.”

“Great!” she said, hopping off her seat and hugging the dragon. “So, what do you want to do?”

“Well, I know one thing I don’t want to do,” Spike said.

“What’s that?”

Spike smirked. “I don’t want you to hug me to the point of death anymore.”

Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “Silly, Spike. My hugs are terrible unconventional killers! All they do is kill sadness, not actual ponies!” She giggled and nudged Spike with her hoof. “You know who you need to go talk to?”

“Who?”

“Well, Rarity would love to—”

Spike shook his head. “I’ll talk to her eventually, but I still need to talk to a few other ponies first.”

“Like who?”

“I have a couple in mind…”

Comments

[Soaring]

10153689
First off, thank you for commenting. I appreciate your insight on the story. I'm trying hard to really not go too overboard on the humor, since I want this to be a very serious take on the subject, rather than what the previous version did.

As for your comment on one of the other girls...

I feel like one of the other girls might have been better for this. Like Fluttershy or Pinkie.

Your wish is my command. ;)

[Ice Star]

Now I really want more.