• Member Since 7th Mar, 2020
  • offline last seen June 7th

JPHyperX


I'm a German hobby author, who loves to write epic storys. Now I want to improve my English. https://www.deviantart.com/jphyperx

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Magic is full of unexplored secrets. When Starlight Glimmer makes a groundbreaking discovery with her friends after a terrible stroke of fate, she finds herself compelled to solve this puzzle in a race against time. Meanwhile, assassins attempt to overthrow the newly named regent Twilight Sparkle. Equestria is in turmoil again, who are the masterminds of this conspiracy?

Proof Reader: Moonshine Nutrix

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 25 )

Good luck buddy! I hope the readers here will see the potential of this great story.😀

a little question
“crossover”?
i dont understand.
crossover which world?

Comment posted by JPHyperX deleted Mar 29th, 2020

I see a lot of potential in this story, but I can also tell that this chapter probably didn't get proofed before uploading. There are several typos and the dialogue feels stilted and unnatural. That being said, I would absolutely be interested in beta reading for you. I really like the concept for this story, and am interested in seeing where it goes. Good work :twilightsmile:

First half of the first Chapter is pretty good,i mean,really caught my eyes.
But i have to say there are too many Not-necessary-details,this is i only mind about.
However,it is a nice story but too...slow?
Yeah,I mean,story rhythm too slow,there is over 7000 words but describe too many details,It slow the rhythm of story down.
I look forward your inprove,good luck.
PS:If you want to write better,you can buy and read Story ,This book should be very helpful for you XD
:raritywink:

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Thank you for your feedback! These kind of comments really help. I wish I could have that the same in the german community.
I'm honest, I like describing things and sometimes I get lost in some scenes. It's kinda like a guilty pleasure. :twilightblush:

But you where right about some things like the unnecessary descriptions about the charakters and common MLP-Things. Every Brony knows how they look. And these descriptions will vanish any time soon.

macnor offered to proof read this chapter and will help me to make this story better^^

Thanks again for your kind words!

JP

Wish the best fortune being with you!

Attencion! The second chapter is finished! Now it's my turn to do the proofreading and in a few days it should be ready!

A very interesting chapter I wonder if in the end Starlight will become an Alicorn keep up the good work I look forward to the next chapter

I like this story. My only complaint is that I wish it'd update faster. 😆

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I will try to upload them more in the future. Thank you!^^

Didn't this story used to have more chapters?

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I recently uploaded Chapter 4.
There will be more to come.

Make this dragon a freckin regular in this series!!:yay:

Poof Reader:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

10513482

:pinkiegasp: :derpyderp1:
How the hell did I not see that? XDD

Interesting chapter! I am very intrigued, and cannot wait to read more!

Editorial Note: You seem to add a lot of unnecessary information. While this is not against literary structure and is not a 'mistake', good writing shows you what's going on, it doesn't tell you. This can be done by visualization, dialogue, or numerous other strategies. I would urge you to attempt to lessen the amount of flat information you include.

Again, I love where this story is going, and am eager to follow along on this adventure! (If you are interested in more editorial type reviews or content recommendations, send me a PM :twilightsmile:)

Another great chapter! The emotions and high stake sequences were very well done. I am curious to where this plot will go!

Editorial Note: Just like chapter one, this chapter has unnecessary information included. Also, though I didn't mention this in my last comment, there are a couple grammar mistakes. In both chapters, you have missing commas and other grammatical mishaps. This is not a major problem, but I would recommend that you either edit them yourself or try and get an editor.

Example:

They kept on walking and indeed they found the end of the path. Behind a ledge in front of them there was nothing but darkness.

It should be more like this: "They kept on walking and eventually found the end of the path." - The indeed does not fit.

Love your story! This plot is a real rollercoaster, and its only chapter two! :twilightsmile:

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Thank you for the kind feedback. This means more to me, than this rating bar, where I never understand why I deserved a like or dislike. I'm aware the explanation in the first chapters are quite overhelmed, but be glad, it was worse in the first draft. 😂
I will look over it from time to time, but still I'm working on the german version of the story, which is the orginal and already on Chapter 15.

I hope this story will keep entertaining you and I always appreciate some remarks and feedback!

I would like to know some examples where I have to much unecessary information. Maybe I will then, how I can make it better.^^

JP.

Alright! I have gone through what you have so far, and I am really impressed! However, I will take another run through that is more immersive and less analytical. The plot line is very intense and pushes my mind into all sorts of strange places! Though I would caution you to make sure that while it is complex, it is also understandable and easy to follow. I did not have a problem, but I could easily see some people getting confused.

Editorial Note: Like the my comments before, the minor problems remain the same. Still not a big deal, or a grammatical error, but also something you might want to fix. Here is an example:

At the same time Sunburst fired a beam. The dark pony could deflect the stones, but the beam hit his head, so that the hood slid down, revealing tousled black hair. With clenched teeth he stared at Sunburst. Then he raised the horn and, with a magical blast, knocked Starlight’s friends outside the fire circle.

This sentence is grammatically correct, but it lacks deep emotional drive and visualization. You tell the reader what is happening, but these sentences do not make them feel the scene, or really, make them enter the story. Here is an example:

"With tight clenched teeth he glared at Sunburst. Attempting to pierce his opponents defense, with nothing but his cold-hearted and hate consumed gaze. The dark figure proceeded to raise his bloodthirsty horn towards Starlight's friends, and with an intense blast, removed them from the vicinity."

It's not great, but I think you will get the idea. Adding in emotion evoking scenes and lining your sequences with visualization and/or illusions will bring readers farther into your world.

Love your story! Cannot wait till the next chapter is released. :twilightsmile: (Again, if you want more feedback send me a PM. I'm always willing to help out a fellow author!)

What? What was that.

I just... okay? I guess

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