• Published 28th Mar 2020
  • 1,803 Views, 25 Comments

Starlight Glimmer and the Runekeepers - JPHyperX

Starlight Glimmer's life changes when she finds an ancient secret she must uncover. Meanwhile, assassins plan to kill Twilight Sparkle.

  • ...

Chapter 8: Magic Awakens

Smolder had no idea what to do. One wrong step and this maniac would cut Sandbar into pieces. Then again, she had the nasty feeling that they have to fear for their lives soon. Septimus spoke with a cynical smile, “Don’t worry! Your friend won’t suffer too long!”

He gave Quartus a sign to end it. He waited for this and aimed at the earth pony’s artery. Sandbar screamed a sharp cry and tried to free himself.

Suddenly something jumped out of the bushes and lunged at Quartus. A powerful blow hit him, causing to lose his dagger. Sandbar was free and crawled back into the thicket.

The attacker was cloaked with a brown hood and began to charge at Septimus. He summoned his flaming hooves to fight off this newcomer. The savior’s hood flew back during the fray, revealing a black-white striped head of a zebra mare.

Quartus reared back and attacked from the side, but the zebra swung her elbow sideways like she saw it coming. Then she grabbed him and hurled his body on Septimus, so that he lost concentration on his shield around the students.

In Smolder the fire of revenge seethed. She was about to charge, but the zebra was faster and blew a powder at the stallions. They waved with closed eyes their hooves around. “What is this stuff!” shouted Quartus.

Then blue dots appeared all over their coats. Quartus looked at his colleague and opened his mouth in shock. Instead of a comment, a deep frog noise came out. Confused, he paused. Then he quacked again and covered his mouth in irritation.

Septimus staggered back, shook his head and pressed the hooves against the temples. With great effort he said, “This is… Poison Joke Powder. I can’t think anymore. Think for me, you must!” He squinted at the zebra dopily and swiveled back to Quartus. “Nah… Fighting, no more! Gotta go!”

Quartus grabbed him under his shoulder and threw a knife with a smoking blade to the ground. A large dark cloud appeared, obscuring the others from view. After the fog had lifted, the assassins were gone. It would take a long time for them returning to normal again without cure.

Smolder threw her arms overhead. “Where are they? We have to stop these criminals!”

The zebra turned around. “These ponies aren’t quite normal. Don’t follow them. They aren’t moral! Evil creatures are everywhere, that’s why I have my Poison Joke Powder there!” She showed the students her brown pouch.

The friends knew this zebra that lived in the Everfree Forest. Twilight had often mentioned her.

“Zecora!” gasped Silverstream. “You came at the right time!”

The zebra mare went to a bush near the road. Behind it Sandbar lied slumped in the dirt. He was shaking all over and flinched as Zecora approached him.

“Young colt, the danger is no more. The stallions are gone and can’t hurt you anymore,” Zecora said calmly.

Sandbar was still frozen and refused to let anyone come closer. His neck bled. The pupils were shrunken. Zecora raised her head and looked at the others with concern.

Then Yona bent down and stretched her hoof out. Quietly she spoke, “It’s alright. Yona protect Sanbar!”

The stallion slowly reached his hoof out. Yona pulled him close into a hug. The yak’s fur was cuddly soft, so he calmed down again. With a shaking voice he cried, “He was going to kill me! I saw it in his eyes. He actually wanted to murder me.”

He cringed and squeezed thick tears out. Yona gently rocked him like a little foal. If the situation wasn’t so serious, the friends would have been touched by Yona’s efforts. Instead, they felt great pity.

Zecora ran ahead through the tree’s shadows and called, “We have to trot to my spot. After all this cause, you really need a pause!”

Gallus shook his head, “No time! We must hurry to the princess! We were called and are late anyway!”

“You aren’t ready for this way. I can restore your strength if you stay. Twilight will understand this decision, when you rest and move on under better condition!” Zecora said encouraging.

Every creature had to realize it. After this experience, a continuation would be anything but pleasant, and Sandbar wasn’t able to walk at the moment.

The students accompanied the zebra until they found her said home. It was a hollowed tree, like the Tree House of Harmony, but it resembled a natural oak. Zecora opened the overgrown front door and revealed her humble home. A cauldron of delicious-smelling soup brewed there. Various masks with deterrent grimaces hung on the wall. The room was covered with plates, shelves and different spice vases.

Zecora apologized for the mess, “I was sitting here at dinner just now, but I forgot an ingredient somehow. So I searched the Forest Everfree and suddenly heard Sandbars desperate plea.”

Silverstream sniffed the delicious food and licked her beak. “Hmm, this smells good! Thank you for the rescue and everything,” she said and sat down. Zecora offered each friend a bowl. The ingredient she had added was a plant, which enhanced the flavor.

While they ate gleefully, an owl hooted outside. It dawned already. Twilight would set the sun soon and wonder where they had gone. Gallus looked disappointed out the window.

Smolder recognized what kept the gryphon busy. “Hey, Gallus. I could write Spike a letter.”

He nodded agreeing. “Good idea! Tell him also what happened today.”

Zecora handed quill and paper to the dragon, which began to write the message. Sandbar snuggled with Yona as he silently watched the fire under the cauldron. Ocellus asked the zebra something, “Why are you speaking every sentence in rhymes?”

Zecora smiled amused at the young changeling’s curiosity. “My language rhymes with every word. Other accents, different herd. I got used to this for a while, still I hope you like this kind of style.”

Silverstream responded with full enthusiasm, “I think your language is great! Very poetic!”

Smolder had finished writing and controlled the text. Then she noticed something, “Aw, Tartaros! I wrote everything in rhymes!”

Everyone laughed loud and Smolder sent the letter without a comment.

The spell floated through the windy evening air into Spike’s room. He was about to write his book and felt suddenly the pressure in his throat. Quickly he stepped back and spit out the scroll. The letter was strange, but behind this poetry hid an alarming message. “Oh for Scale’s Sake!” he shouted and hurried to the throne room.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Applejack worked with Archmage Neighsay on the descriptions for the suspects. The long list was rolled up in front of them. A skinny small unicorn stallion stood beside Neighsay.

The pony, named Stygian rolled the parchment up. “I’ll get to work right away. I’d like seeing the temple, too. It’s starting to interest me.”

“All right, but before you go, you must find more about these assassins,” Twilight replied. Neighsay and Stygian bowed and left the throne room.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash also sat there and bandied worried looks. The pressure was huge, especially when an invisible blade was swinging above their heads.

“This temple in the cave. What is it exactly?” Rainbow asked.

“We don’t know. It reacted when Tempest had awakened the glow crystals. Then this pocket watch for Starlight Glimmer appeared. Seems like, the assassins know something. Now the watch is leading Starlight to symbols all over Equestria.”

Applejack remembered, “These symbols in my barn?”

“Yes! I hope nothing will happen to Starlight.”

Suddenly, Spike stormed through the double doors. He held a letter. “The students were attacked by tow unicorns in the Everfree Forest!”

The ponies jumped when they heard this. Twilight’s expression turned into deep horror. “These cursed…”

“They’re fine! Zecora had rescued them, now they are with her!” Spike followed up quickly.

Twilight dropped groaning into the seat. “How did they know? How do these assassins found out what we were up to, Spike?”

The friendship counselor shrugged his broad shoulders. Only both were aware about this message and Spike didn’t even know these assassins. Twilight dragged herself from the throne to look at the stained glass windows, lost in thought. In her young career as regent, she hadn’t felt such perplexity. She stomped on the floor. “That’s enough! I will send the guards in! They should search the forest for these criminals!”

She turned to Spike, her mane swinging open like a curtain. “Pick the students up at Zecora’s. I don’t want another incident like that.”

Applejack stepped beside her. “We’re on your side, Twi! Whatever happens!”

Rainbow Dash flew to her and laid her wing around her shoulder. “Trust me! We will put a stop to this foul play!”

Twilight smiled a little at her friends. But somehow she had the feeling this would be harder than before. “I’m very glad, you’re here,” she gasped. “Friends like you only come around once.”

Then she returned their embrace and nodded at her dragon friend. Spike immediately set off to travel to Zecora’s house via teleportation circle.

Twilight went to her throne and activated a crystal on the back rest. A short time later, Tempest came storming through the gate. Before the captain could take a bow, Twilight called the new order, “Two assassins have been spotted in Everfree Forest. We must send a squad before dark!”

Tempest grinned when she heard this. She summoned the guards with her crystal. Every guard in reserve was notified. Then she ran back to prepare herself for anything.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Applejack ran to the main balcony. From there, they could overlook the palace square.

Three dozen stallions marched out the barracks. The troop number was large enough to find two criminals in the forest. Twilight looked down imperiously but respectfully. Her mane waved in the evening ar. Even though she was the princess of friendship and ruled the land with kindness through her council, militey doctrine was held with care. Twilight knew that one day some threats couldn’t end with conciliation.

She spread her wings and shouted so that every guard pony could hear her, “Listen! I want those criminals in Everfree Forest alive, if possible. My advisor Spike is also there to meet six students from the School of Friendship. They need a safe escort to Canterlot. Nothing should happen to them! Both are priority!”

The guards saluted at the same time. Tempest yelled, “Be ready!!!” All soldiers presented their spears and struck the staff to the ground. A loud thud echoed.

Then the captain ordered the marching signal. All guard ponies boarded several flying carriages that soared off to Ponyville. Rainbow Dash marveled at this commanding power. “Twilight, you’re awesome!”

“Yes… But am I still a good princess?” She turned back before Rainbow could say something.

It was time to prepare for the sunset. Maybe she could delay the night ab bit to make it easier finding the assassins. Applejack and Rainbow Dash already seemed tiered and went to their rooms. Twilight wished them a good sleep.

As she reached the door to her room, something lighted up between the chinks. Her crystal ball was flashing. She turned it on and saw the delighted face of Starlight Glimmer. “Hellooo, Twilight!”

The ponies were resting in the same spot they had visited on their outward journey. Trixie had ignited marshmallows over the fire. Its sticky mass dripped down. Maud Pie ate her stone bread, audibly chewing. Sunburst studied his notebook and listened to the conversation. Twilight called out delighted, “Starlight! Any news?”

“You bet!” she spoke proudly, holding up the watch. The light of the message crystal made Twilight appear like a flickering mirage.

“Wow, fascinating! Have you figured how it works or do you need to complete the clock face?”

Starlight looked less pleased. “Well, yeah, looks like it. But I don’t have much time left!” She lifted her diseased hoof. The curse had taken over more of her skin. Almost her entire forearm was darkened.

Sunburst flipped through his notebook while he reported, “The next symbol is in Yakyakistan, far to the north.”

“Really, that’s not just around the next corner,” Twilight exclaimed in surprise. “You’d better be prepared and avoid the train. The assassins might come after you. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and your six students have been ambushed by them.”

Something inside Starlight boiled. She really wanted to flay these ponys alive. Twilight sighted full sorrow and closed her eyes. “They survived the encounter. This gang… I believe they have eyes and ears everywhere. I’m serious. Take care of yourself, Starlight. We’re trotting in difficult times.”

“Thanks, Twilght! Take care of yourself, too.” With these words, she ended the connection and stared into the dusky distance to Canterlot. Immensely glad her students had escaped, but slowly she was overwhelmed with dread about what was to come. The princess had hidden nothing from her. She was scared and knew this face all too well from the past.

She turned to the camp with lingering concern and spoke to the others, “Let’s move on!”

Everypony packed up, extinguished the fire with sand and dirt, and continued the road to Ponyville. After few steps, Starlight’s hoof pained again. She opened her water bottle, but only a small drop flowed. “Darn it! If I hadn’t been so thirsty,” she grumbled.

Trixie searched in her bag. “Here, it’s not much, but I hope it helps.”

Starlight was surprised by her generosity, “But you have nothing to drink then!”

“Oh, pff! The great and all-powerful Trixie will survive this short trip without water.”

Starlight, quite touched poured it over her leg. The pain faded a little. I would have taken a little more, but this was just bearable. “Yes, this should do! Thanks, Trixie!”

Sunburst caught up, while he looked over the notebook. “If we keep walking at this speed, we’ll arrive in time for nightfall. But really, it should be getting dark by now. Hmmm…”

The sun was still halfway up in the sky. Twilight should lower it soon. Probably she was distracted. That also had been the case in Celestia’s time. Nothing unusual, when the sunset was a little late.

Starlight suddenly stopped, the others almost bumped into her. Their eyes were fixed on a pony, standing on the dusty trail, like it had just teleported here. Trixie was alarmed, as she noticed something. “Sunburst?”

Yes, Trixie?” he replied.

“That’s him, that’s the pony from the Sugarcube Corner. We have a great and powerful problem now!”

The dark unicorn stallion raised his head and showed two glaring ruby-colored eyes. Starlight growled, “You’re one of them, aren’t you?”

She faced the unicorn straddle-legged. He said nothing, but kept glaring at her gloomily. There was a pure, lackluster malice in his gaze.

Then he sped forward, split into two shadows and circled the travelers. A black fire barrier surrounded them. The stallion appeared behind them. His horn flashed red. Starlight’s horn also lighted up, signaling him, she wasn’t defenseless. She whirled around.

The dark stallion slandered walked toward her. Starlight fired a warning shot. He wasn’t impressed. Unlike Twilight and her friends, she drew the line after the first warning and fired again, this time directly. But he parried the shot and kept moving. A red haze floated from his horn and formed a long-fingered claw. It grabbed after Starlight, but she managed to dodge, dangerously close to the black fire, which exuded no heat. She had the feeling to better not touch it. “It’s no use, marked one! You’re already dead!” the stallion growled.

“Oh, yeah? Can a dead do this?” She waved her horn and hurled small stones at the attacker.

At the same time Sunburst fired a beam. The dark pony could deflect the stones, but the beam hit his head, so that the hood slid down, revealing tousled black hair. With clenched teeth he stared at Sunburst. Then he raised the horn and, with a magical blast, knocked Starlight’s friends outside the fire circle.

Sunburst’s cape had touched the fire. He rolled over the ground, but the more he moved, the more it spread. With no choice he had to throw it off. The fire engulfed the garment and dissolved it completely.

Starlight was separated from her friends. The assassin tried to grab her every time with its magical claws. She sidestepped, and then shot in front of the stallion. Dirt streaked his face. That distracted him and gave her a chance to charge ahead. Somehow he managed to dodge. Starlight almost ran into the flames. Again the stallion attacked with his claws. She blocked them with a few shots. “Stop it! You groper!” she snarled.

The stallion laughed and didn’t let up. His two claws encircled her. She couldn’t hold back the spell much longer.

Sunburst tried again with a focused shot through the flames, but the stallion realized it and let the fire rise higher. The shot missed. Maud wanted to quench the flames with stones, but there she saw with spellbound horror how the fire simply consumed them, too.

Starlight tried something new. She teleported. But instead of land outside the circle, she reappeared inside. The stallion had everything under control. “My magic prevents such tricks!” he scoffed.

Another claw lunged at Starlight. She charged her magic in the collarbone area and set a blast wave free. The fire was caught by the wind, but the stallion was still standing. That finished her off and slumped down powerless. Her opponent strode triumphantly toward her. His splayed, magical claw hovered over and snatched her hind legs. A red portal opened before the dark pony and pulled her inside. Starlight screamed, tried to hold onto something, but she was dragged further into the hole.

Trixie cried out for her. Everyone could only watch as Starlight got dragged into the magical vortex.

Several came out the portal, grabbing her by all extremities. Her screaming mouth was closed. With watery eyes she flailed in the air. Her muffled cry grew louder as her hind legs disappeared in the portal, and then her torso vanished, then her head; and finally her outstretched limbs.

The stallion closed the portal and stared through the dark fire at the others. Everypony couldn’t move.

Slowly he went up into smoke and the fire dimmed in the meantime. Sunburst barreled to him like a raging bull. Before he could reach him, the dark stallion had disappeared. Sunburst fell on the dusty earth. Trixie and Maud ran after him. He sat on the ground staring. “She’s gone…” he sobbed.

Trixie bit her lip in anger and lowered the head to shed a silent tear. “What now?” How are we going to track him?”

A perplexed silence fell. Sunburst stood up and wiped his face. The cloak was burned, and Starlight had disappeared into a gateway to hell. “We will return to Ponyville. We must report what happened,” he said dryly.

Maud looked again at the spot where her friend had vanished and seemingly made a decision, “I will take the gems to Mudbriar and help you.”

Sunburst exhaled and wiped his face one last time. “Thank you, Maud!”

The gray mare tilted her head giving him a rare smile. “As my sister Pinkie said, that’s what friends are for.”

The group set off. This time at a fast trot, for they did not know how much they had left.

As she awoke, everything seemed dim. She felt the cold, wet floor. The tiles reminded her of a dirty bathroom with weathered concrete walls. Everything turned and twisted like in a stupor after a hard cider evening. While she tried to stand up, everything blurred. She grabbed her forehead in focus to make a light, but her horn wasn’t working. Then Starlight noticed she was standing crooked; or was it the room? No idea. So she dared to take a step. Her heavy hooves felt like lead.

Each hoof noise sounded deep and muffled. Starlight looked up with tired eyes and realized the room with five walls. Each side held a passageway. She spun around. Nothing seemed to make sense and yet here she was. Limping through one of the doors, she found herself back in another five-sided room. Then she walked on and noticed all rooms were like this. She was trapped here.

“No… No…” She shook herself, which was a mistake, because everything was even more blurry than before. No matter where she turned, her sight somehow lagged behind. She had to sit down. Her brain was buzzing violently.

Suddenly her hoof throbbed. A sign she wasn’t dead, and this was definitely not the afterlife. That would have been a terrible imagination. She walked on. Dazed, she lifted her head up and wobbled to the next room. It was just like any other. “Oh… Where is the exit?” she whined.

“You’ll never find it if you wander aimlessly around, my dear!” spoke a husky, masculine voice, which sounded withered, but strong and confident. It seemed to come from nowhere, apparently more from her thoughts, like she had a second, independent mind.

Starlight whirled around, “Who said that?”

“Look at your hoof!”

Astonished, Starlight stared at her bandaged wound. “Am I hallucinating? Am I going crazy?”

“Perhaps, but I am speaking to you! You’re in the pocket dimension of a unicorn, my dearest!”

“Stop calling me that… What are you anyway and why are you in my head?” spoke Starlight annoyed.

“I’m not in your head, remember? I am your hoof, much more what’s inside.”

“What!” she gasped out.

“Oh, yeah, you got that right!” the voice laughed. “I’m your little curse!”

Starlight groaned and sat down with a heavy heart. She grabbed her chest, because she had the feeling to burst. When she had calmed down again, she spoke in a composed voice, “Then you are the creature who massacred one of my students and tried to kill Twilight. What do you actually intend by these acts?” She almost sounded like a serious judge.

“Yes, I am the so-called nuisance. But I can explain: I am forced to do that so I can free myself!”

“Free?” stuttered Starlight.

The voice was silent for a moment. Then it spoke bitterly, “These creatures have bound me to a dead body in order to kill this so-called Twilight. I must obey, or will be stuck here forever in this world, sucking up your magic until you turn into a wither pony.”

“So you’re keeping me as a host until you achieve your goal?” How perverse!” Starlight concluded angrily.

The voice replied a little disappointed, “So you don’t feel pity for someone like me after all?”

“What the hell?” she sputtered. “Of course I don’t feel sorry for anyone who tries to murder my friends!”

“And I hoped you spoke the truth!” the voice said in sorrow.

Starlight paused for a moment and then spoke promptly, “Wait a minute! When and where should I have spoken the truth?”

Suddenly she heard her own voice, “They summon something just to serve them unwillingly. I kind of understand why those poor bastards are so furious.”

She remembered again. The voice sounded a little more satisfied, “Did I jog your memory, eh?”

“I… I said that, right…” she said in amazement, clutching her head.

The voice continued, “Well, you have to know, I was once a living being like you. I don’t remember what I used to be, but certainly not from this world.”

“You’re from Tartarus, right?” Starlight piped up.

The voice laughed out loud, “Haha! Wrong, where I come from you little pony mind would go crazy. It’s a place where I have a form and feel at home!”

Starlight just guessed what this thing was, “So, you’re a demon?”

“Call me whatever you want! We have our own names, but you give us others to take the fear away from yourselves. Shade, ghost, phantom or demon.”

“And why are you even speaking to me?” asked Starlight.

“For reasons!” the shade explained. “I’ve already told you the first one; you have empathy for someone like me. Second, I can do it in a place like this. We’re in the mind-world of a magical being, and everything’s connected there somehow, complex shit, you know… And third, there is something, that can help us and it dangles around your neck.”

Starlight took her pocket watch. She became curious and hoped to finally find out what it was.

The voice spoke, “Seems to be a very powerful artifact. I think it can help us both.”

Starlight’s eyes widened and just had to ask, “Do you know what it is and where I came from?”

“Nope, it must be from you world, but I sense a strong magic in it. When you absorbed this symbol, it became even stronger.”

Starlight suspected what it meant. Gemstones or crystals could be magically charged. That such a stone was inherent in this watch was quite possible. She saw the chance for a deal. “Okay, shadow. How do we proceed? Will you stop consuming me and help to get these symbols?”

The voice sighed briefly, “I guess I have no choice, but I do need some magic, otherwise I’ll starve.”

“Wouldn’t that be good for me?” Starlight said snappishly.

The shadow affected a laugh, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? It’s not that simple. I also have an instinct for self-preservation. Without wanting to, I will gradually wear you out until you become an empty shell. Then I have to do the command, bound on me on my own. By the way, if I die, you die too.”

“So you’re still targeting for Twilight”, Starlight grumbled, wrinkling her nose.

“That’s the job, sadly. I’m not doing this willingly, believe me. If you see Twilight again, my consciousness will shut down and I won’t be in control.”

That sounded nasty. Starlight still couldn’t trust this being, but if the watch could help them, she had to chance it. “I need a sign of faith,” she said firmly.

“What? Isn’t that enough what I’ve told you?” the creature spoke in surprise.

“It’s just hard for me on something unfamiliar like you. Besides, you killed someone, and I can’t let that trough.”

The shadow fell silent. Apparently he was thinking. “You’re pretty persistent, pony!” he grunted after a while. “Alright, I’ll give you a hint on how to get out of here. That’s all I can offer.”

Starlight accepted. “Okay!”

“Good, listen! I mentioned that you’re in the mind of a pony and everything is connected somehow. How do I know that? Because that very pony summoned me into a dead body. I have felt his thoughts and feelings. He’s full of hate.”

“But why are they so mad at Twilight?” She hoped to find the reason of the assassination attempts.

“Search me. Maybe he really doesn’t like her mane?” the voice said, much to Starlight’s disappointment. “Back to topic! You need to find something to get him riled up. Make him angry; be like a wriggling fish in a net, slowly slipping away. Once he can’t control his feelings, it’s easier to find the exit.”

“Starlight nodded, “And how I recognize it?”

“I’ll show you the way. You’ll see it.”

Starlight looked at the entrances. Each unicorn had pretty much its own pocket dimension, the so-called world of the subconscious. Depending on the emotional stability, it was something different. She still felt the daze that this stallion was purposely creating on her. The fact, all the rooms were the same, must have been because he was playing with her. She hoped the stallion could hear her and shouted, “Alright, you weirdo, now I’m talking to you! What’s your point in all thus? Power over other ponies?”

No answer came back, but she kept trying and shouted louder, “Do you hear me!? You’re a spineless stallion that despises lighthouses, because you can’t find a corner to cry in!”

Her voice faded into the distance. She thought she heard a rumble and trotted after it. A silhouette loomed behind her. The sound of a drainage channel could be heard. Starlight turned and saw a figure completely encased in black liquid. It stared at her with dead, white eyes. Her shadow spoke up again, “Looks like you got his attention. He sent a patron.”

“What is that?” she gasped as the thing slowly crept closer to her.

“No time for that, it wants to silence you!”

Starlight guessed the solution. Her scream from earlier must have triggered it. The slimy creature extended a long arm and grabbed her throat. Before she couldn’t catch her breath, she let out a shrieking scream. The monster let go and backed away, but it had also robbed Starlight’s strength. Her hoof throbbed and the voice spoke enthusiastically, “Wow! You have powerful vocal cords! Come on, again, I think something has happened in the dimension!”

“I… can’t… anymore…,” Starlight moaned.

“Go! Again! That could be it! Your emotions are stronger than his!”

The monster quickly recovered from the first setback and attacked again. Starlight took a deep breath and screamed again, louder, more intimately. She could take no more, her throat burned. The black something shrank and wriggled away from her. All at once she felt a violent tremor. The walls and tiles cracked. The grumbling in the distance grew louder. It sounded like the pony in whose dimension she was trapped. The voice in Starlight’s head called, “You did it! Now follow me!”

Her right hoof pulled her along. It was painful and almost fell to the ground. She stumbled as a large, invisible dog was dragging her through the corridors. Then she caught sight of what that could be the exit. It was still the same room, but a glaring portal shone in the middle.

A furious roar echoed in the distance and again the dimension shook. The leg didn’t hesitate and pulled her into the light. Instead of disappearing in it, she slammed the nose against something.

“Oops! This guy doesn’t want to make it easy on us, hold on a second. Imagine your hoof being angry.”

Starlight couldn’t follow, “What?”

“No time! Just do it!” The voice sounded stern.

She closed her eyes and felt that pain again like in the throne room. When she looked at her hoof, it had mutated into a black mace with purple spikes. Her breath stuttered by seeing this monstrosity. It took momentum and shattered the barrier surrounding the portal. Glass cracked. A deep, aggressive roar shook the dimension. The voice in Starlight’s head called, “You can go now! I won’t be able talking to you outside, but I’ll keep my bargain and help you complete the watch!”

Starlight strode in bewilderment to the portal. Behind her, she heard the gurgling sound again. The monster was back. Before it grabbed her with its arms, she had jumped through.

Comments ( 2 )

Thank you for the kind feedback. This means more to me, than this rating bar, where I never understand why I deserved a like or dislike. I'm aware the explanation in the first chapters are quite overhelmed, but be glad, it was worse in the first draft. 😂
I will look over it from time to time, but still I'm working on the german version of the story, which is the orginal and already on Chapter 15.

I hope this story will keep entertaining you and I always appreciate some remarks and feedback!

I would like to know some examples where I have to much unecessary information. Maybe I will then, how I can make it better.^^


Alright! I have gone through what you have so far, and I am really impressed! However, I will take another run through that is more immersive and less analytical. The plot line is very intense and pushes my mind into all sorts of strange places! Though I would caution you to make sure that while it is complex, it is also understandable and easy to follow. I did not have a problem, but I could easily see some people getting confused.

Editorial Note: Like the my comments before, the minor problems remain the same. Still not a big deal, or a grammatical error, but also something you might want to fix. Here is an example:

At the same time Sunburst fired a beam. The dark pony could deflect the stones, but the beam hit his head, so that the hood slid down, revealing tousled black hair. With clenched teeth he stared at Sunburst. Then he raised the horn and, with a magical blast, knocked Starlight’s friends outside the fire circle.

This sentence is grammatically correct, but it lacks deep emotional drive and visualization. You tell the reader what is happening, but these sentences do not make them feel the scene, or really, make them enter the story. Here is an example:

"With tight clenched teeth he glared at Sunburst. Attempting to pierce his opponents defense, with nothing but his cold-hearted and hate consumed gaze. The dark figure proceeded to raise his bloodthirsty horn towards Starlight's friends, and with an intense blast, removed them from the vicinity."

It's not great, but I think you will get the idea. Adding in emotion evoking scenes and lining your sequences with visualization and/or illusions will bring readers farther into your world.

Love your story! Cannot wait till the next chapter is released. :twilightsmile: (Again, if you want more feedback send me a PM. I'm always willing to help out a fellow author!)

Login or register to comment