Chapter 6: Rally for Insanity
Chapter 6: Rally for Insanity
The morning after the penthouse assault
The warm sunlight of early morning filled Ponyville’s library with a soft glow as its primary occupant drifted back into the land of the living. Two things entered Twilight’s mind as her eyes were brutally assaulted by the blazing heat ball in the sky.
‘What in the world did I do last night to deserve this headache, and why do I smell alcohol?’
As the beleaguered unicorn hefted herself upright in her well-used bed, her questions were answered. There on the nightstand sat a crystal clear glass bottle, glinting innocently in the morning sun. The brief beauty of the simple object betrayed a far more sinister truth behind the mysterious container.
‘Oh buck me, I got drunk… Why did I let Rarity and Applejack convince me to try vodka?’
Her regrets were cut short as the smell of something delicious difted through the air. Her faithful assistant Spike must be making breakfast. Her wake-up may have been soured by the after-effects of the previous night, but her morning would not be allowed to suffer. Now if only she could remember what she had done last night…
She’d figure it out later, or maybe she could ask the human who was currently snoring on her floor. The one who refused to reveal his true name appeared to have collapsed on that spot as he was spread eagle, fully dressed, and still clutching a bottle of his poison of choice. It was almost adorable, if he didn’t look like such a slob. She almost regretted that she needed to wake him up. Given his homicidal tendencies during the day, this may very well be as peaceful as Twilight would ever see him. It was nice not having to worry about finding another spot to hide bodies.
Twilight froze mid-step as she suddenly recalled details of the previous night. So that was why she had decided to drink. Telekinetically carting bodies to an unmarked mass grave was a memory she would be trying to repress for a good long time.
But needs must, and this was going to be a busy day. Twilight shook her head softly as she banished the haunting memories to the recesses of her mind. Her new partner needed to be awake, and she knew just how to wake up the madman.
She bucked him upside the head with a ‘crack’ that echoed through the library.
“Oi! What the bloody hell was that!?” The confused human thrashed violently for a moment before settling his eyes on his host. “Well good fucking morning to you too, luv. You look like shit.”
“Thanks to you! If we’re going to be working together, can you not shotgun everything that moves!?”
“If it’s any consolation, the first thing I’m going to do is hire a professional cleaning crew… You lot were kinda crap at it.”
Twilight growled under her breath as the human misinterpreted her intent. “Let me rephrase that. Can you not kill everything that moves with extreme prejudice?”
“That’s a pretty tall order, gotta be honest, luv.”
The golden rays of the morning sun filled the home of another of last night’s heroes as the librarian and the madman traded verbal lashings. The cottony white walls of Ponyville’s only cloud home rapidly adopted the hue of amber as the new dawn reached out to touch it.
The tranquility and beauty of the new day was short lived, however. The sole occupant of the elegant abode was not a morning pony, and the instant Celestia’s gift caressed the eyes of a cyan pegasus, her displeasure was made known.
“Five more bucking minutes, you cock guzzling whore of a princess!”
As the echoes of undiluted rage swept across the sleepy village of Ponyville, a pink mare stirred in her bed. The golden rays of sunshine ignored the cries as they happily filled the home of yet another pony. Pinkie Pie was normally a very cheery morning pony; up at the crack of dawn to begin baking treats and confections for the hungry masses. Today, however, she was comatose.
The effects of Saint’s Flow were furious, and short lived. Shortly after the griffon responsible for Ponyville’s suffering was captured and shipped to Canterlot for questioning, Rainbow Dash and Applejack had to combine their strength to retrieve the overcharged mare from the storage room. In her rush of ladle-based violence she had managed to embed herself quite firmly in the ceiling, of all places.
A crowbar may have been involved…
But the tribulations of the night were lost to Pinkie as she ignored the call of her duties. The harsh, chemically induced, crash ensured this pony would enjoy several more hours of bliss and innocence in a soft bed.
The golden rays of the sun tried once more to fill the home of a reliable pony, this time in Sweet Apple Acres. As soothing warm light filled the wooden home of the Apple family the building seemed to take on a life of its own. The well-used and much lived in walls of the farmhouse were lined with photos of ponies gone by, yet who still watched over their descendants. The friendly eyes in the photos welcomed the gift of morning with thanks, as if to fill the home of their beloved progeny with hope and optimism.
The effect was not lost on at least one pony. One of the few stallions in Ponyville rose like clockwork to start his day. Big Macintosh, mightiest of the mighty, would not let such a wonderful gift from his princess go to waste as he prepared for his morning chores, and he was sure to see that his sister wouldn’t either. To that end, he knocked on the door to her bedroom with little in the way of gentle care.
“Go back to bed, Mac… It’s too dang early!”
“In case you haven’t noticed, AJ, the sun is up and the weather’s fine.”
“Ah reject yer reality, and substitute mah own.”
Back in the library
The sun had pretty much given up at this point, and settled with an average amount of light and warmth that couldn't care less if it reached the home of these ungrateful whelps. Nopony noticed here, however. If silence could be quantified, then there was a metric buck-ton of silence filling the library. Human and pony sat on opposite sides of a wooden table eating their pancakes slowly and deliberately. Spike and Oleg had both inhaled their breakfast and stepped away long ago. Both now sat in a far corner observing the pair intently. They had sensed the tension between their employers, and wanted to be out of striking range should something important in either of them snap like a dry twig.
They also wanted to discuss the specifics of their wager. Spike was sure the Boss would speak first, while Kirrlov insisted Twilight would crack before long.
The eyes of their friends eyes met. The unicorn’s amethyst eyes burned with a mysterious passion as she played a game of verbal chicken with her guest. The human furrowed his brow in concentration as a drop of sweat beaded down his forehead. His dark sunglasses concealed his eyes and afforded the man a fleeting advantage as the librarian could not see how close he was to cracking. The human grinned inside, knowing the value of psychological warfare. He had played this game many times during many poker games, and he was good.
Oleg and Spike leaned forward in their seats, sensing the tension building to a breaking point. Their wager would soon be concluded, they could feel it. One of their employers would soon snap and let forth a tirade of obscenities any moment now, and it would be glorious. Any moment now…
A sharp knocking shattered the silence as both human and pony snapped their heads to the door and simultaneously shouted “What!?”
“Umm… It’s Rainbow Dash. You asked me to come early, remember?”
Twilight bounced out of her chair at the sudden memory. She had asked Rainbow to come as soon as she could. The services of the speedy pegasus would be needed today as a city-wide messenger.
“Sorry! Sorry, just stressed. I didn’t forget.” Twilight said as she opened the door. The rainbow mane of her friend appeared to have been attacked by a swamp monster, and her eyes told a tale of sorry and misery. Rainbow Dash was many things to her friends and to Ponyville, but a morning pony was not one of them.
“I’ll forgive you in exchange for coffee. Now what the hay is it that you needed me to do?”
Spike grumbled under his breath and padded off to the kitchen. He was not pleased to see his bet invalidated by Rainbow, but she would get her coffee.
Twilight smiled as she watched her assistant move into action before speaking. “I’d like you to round up all our friends and as many ponies as you can get, and tell them to go to the town square at noon. Things are moving fast and we need everypony on the same page if we’re going to kick the Brotherhood out for good.”
Meanwhile Rainbow’s newest employer, the leader of the Saints, produced a small stack of flyers. “Also, we need you ponies to look the part. The color purple is in, spread the word. Improvised weapons are highly encouraged, as we don’t exactly have an armory to spread the love. Combat experience is a plus, self-motivated, and loyal. We need Ponyville protected by Ponyville. Sooner they get started the better.”
Rainbow narrowed her eyes in annoyance. “Too early. Coffee first. Need to talk to Twilight, buck off.”
“Fair ‘nuff, Skittles.” Without another word the man turned on a heel and walked off to a side room, motioning Oleg to follow. They apparently had business to attend to and Rainbow did not mind one bit.
With the humans gone, Rainbow was left alone with Twilight, and she wasted no time getting to the point.
“Twi, I am very seriously concerned about the mental health of Equestria and our friends. Seriously, what the buck.”
Canterlot
As Princess Luna approached her sister’s personal quarters she hummed a merry tune and swayed her hips to the beat of a song heard only in her head. She seemed to emanate an air of confidence and serenity with every hoof-step. Very few would have guessed that she was returning from Canterlot’s dungeon. And fewer still that she had just personally conducted an interrogation.
But she had, and a very productive interrogation it was. The griffon captured by her newest anti-gang task force had proven to be a treasure trove of useful tidbits. None that would directly harm gang operations outside of Ponyville itself, but useful none the less. That information was precisely what Luna needed to share with her dear sister.
Princess Celestia, however, sulked in her bed and emanated an air of depression. Her eyes were swollen and drooping as evidence of little-to-no sleep, her head throbbed with a pounding headache, and even her horn seemed to be duller than usual. Only her magnificent magical mane appeared to be unaffected as it flowed majestically around her neck, a sharp contrast to the wreck that was the monarch of the sun.
Hangovers are a bitch, ain’t they Princess?
As Celestia watched her sister enter her bedchambers, two things immediately happened. Celestia instantly felt slightly better as the walking ball of optimism approached. The second was a thought.
‘How in the world is she still so cheery after last night?’
If Luna noticed any questions floating through her sister’s mind she didn’t show it as she smiled wide and spoke with a sing-song voice. “Good morning Celly. I have wonderful news out of Ponyville! And some distressing news, but mostly offset by the good, I assure you.”
“Then begin with the bad. I’d like to leave on a bright note, if we could.”
“Certainly! It seems our newest team of crime fighters encountered quite a lot of resistance when questioning the occupants of the Brotherhood’s Ponyville headquarters. I’m told a fight broke out that left quite a few injured.”
Celestia’s heart plummeted even further than was thought possible. It was their first day as an official entity, and already their existence was in jeopardy. “How many of our agents fell?”
“Oh, none. They’re fine. Dandy, even. It’s the Brotherhood I’m worried about. The griffon they sent was the only survivor.”
Celestia did not appear to react. Her expression remained stone still, as if she was still waiting for Luna to speak. Her every expectation for how this conversation was about to proceed had been refuted and left the monarch unable to fully grasp the meaning of the words she had just heard. All she could do was utter a single word.
“…Pardon?”
“They’re dead. The humans along with Twilight and her friends, representing STAG, raided the building in response to the violence, and massacred virtually anything that moved.”
Back in the library
“Did you hear that?” Rainbow looked out a window facing the direction of Canterlot with a puzzled look on her face.
“It sounded almost like a scream. Probably just a hawk or something.”
“Anyway like I was saying… Last night kinda scared me. Or actually, Fluttershy scares me. A lot. Rarity was weird but if we hide the booze she should be okay. Also hide the knives… But then there’s you!”
“Me? I’ll be fine, I just need to stay hydrated. Or at least that’s what the book said about treating hangovers.”
“Not really what I was referring to.”
“We can discuss it later. Right now, you have work to do and I have a human to berate some more. Away!”
In Celestia’s bedchamber
Luna was smiling happily and still bobbing her head to the beat of some unheard melody. It was as if she hadn’t heard the words that came out of her own mouth. The young princess didn’t have a care in the world, even as she watched her sister collapse into a quivering ball of raw nerves and anxiety.
This seemed very curious to the monarch of the sun. As the world seemed to crumble around Celestia, that one thing seemed to stand out. One thing in all the world refused to concede to the horrors of life. Her sister Luna. This confused her greatly.
“How do you do it, Luna?”
“Do what?” Luna cocked her head to the side in confusion.
“How do you stay so calm at a time like this? You barely even flinch at the death of so many ponies!”
“Time and practice, dear sister. Time and practice!”
“Practice?” Celestia was well aware of the fact that Luna had dealt with far more emotional trauma that most ponies would see in a lifetime, but she hadn’t suspected such events might have desensitized her sister to such an extent. “Do you mean your time on the moon? Was it really that terrible?”
“No it wasn’t that. Well it was terrible, but I’ve gotten over that. No, I took some time for myself after my return. It was very productive!” Luna could tell Celestia was getting very curious. She had hoped to keep the details of this to herself, but it was apparent this would not be wise any longer. “Do you remember Nightmare Night?”
“Of course, you went to Ponyville and, despite initial misgivings, had a wonderful time.”
“Yes, I did. But I realized something about myself. I have the habit of... overreacting when I feel ponies aren’t seeing things my way. Bit of an angry streak in me. I had thought that side of me died with Nightmare Moon, but I was wrong. I never told you, but before I was accepted in Ponyville I may have… banned Nightmare Night for all eternity.”
“Oh… I see… And you were scared you’d do it again, weren’t you?” Celestia’s face softened with concern for her sister. This was new indeed, and she had long suspected Luna’s emotional stability wasn’t quite up to par for a princess. But she never realized it was still this bad.
“Yes, I was. I became quite fond of our little ponies, and I wanted to make sure I did not hurt them again. So I took action. Do you know how I became strong enough to face the suffering of so many directly, and not even flinch?”
“…No, I do not. That’s why I’m asking.”
“Drugs.”
“What!?”
“Prescription narcotics. Some not so prescription... Also practice. Mostly practice after that incident involving an assassination attempt and a gravity well. That stain in my marble floor may never come out…”
“Luna, that is terrifying.”
“Yes, I wouldn’t recommend that path for you. I suggest the sombrero. Everything is better with sombreros.”
Rainbow was true to her word and was in the process of pasting the last flyer to a light post. At least half of Ponyville had been personally informed and the rest were sure to see the numerous flyers decorating the village. All that was left was the great friend roundup, starting with Applejack.
As the speedy pegasus approached the farm house of Sweet Apple Acres she noticed AJ doing something very uncharacteristic. Something that was sure to be a sign of the apocalypse had the world not already been well on its way.
She was sleeping in a tree. Rainbow’s favorite tree, to be precise. This could not stand, not while Rainbow was on duty. There were several ways she could do this.
A: Gently rouse the sleeping farmer
B: Yell loudly and startle the farmer
C: Buck the stuffing out of that stupid tree
…Rainbow stood corrected. There was only one way that would get AJ out of that stupid tree.
“Hey Oleg, did you hear that?”
“The enraged screams of a mare about to commit homicide? Yes it was difficult to miss.”
“Rainbow! If Ah catch you, you are a dead mare!”
Rainbow barely heard a word as she cackled in the skies above. The plan had worked flawlessly. Though Rainbow lacked the strength of the earth pony, a good flying start gave her enough speed and power to buck the mare right out of her branch. “That’s what you get for getting plastered last night!”
“Ah’d tar and feather you, but you already have the feathers, and the tar fer brains!”
“Oh now that’s just uncalled for! Oh, and by the way, meeting in town square at noon. Bye!”
Rainbow fled the scene before any further action could be taken by her friend. She knew it was dangerous to be in bucking range of the earth pony when she was under the effects of alcohol, or its aftermath.
Canterlot
As Celestia entered a posh boardroom no pony would ever have guessed she had spent her morning as an emotional wreck. She was calm, collected, regal, and beautiful. The only possible hint that something was amiss was her crown. Ordinarily she wore a golden crown with an inlaid amethyst at its center.
Today she wore a sombrero. It was golden in color with elegant amethyst embroidery decorating the brim. For something so comical, the way she wore it with such confidence made it look as if Celestia had worn it all her life.
A guard standing at attention spoke to the ponies gathered around the large table of the boardroom. “The Ministry of Silly Hats is now in session. All rise for Princess Celestia.”
“Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I’m aware quite a few developments have come to light recently. Let us begin immediately. Ten Gallon, would you like to begin?”
“Certainly your majesty.” A unicorn wearing a comically large cowboy hat rose and telekinetically passed a manila folder to the princess. “We have numerous reports of violence taking place in the village of Ponyville. If I’m not mistaken, your anti-gang initiative is now active. I would strongly recommend directing their resources to this region immediately.”
“Thank you Ten Gallon. Fez, you may speak.”
A rather disgruntled looking pegasus wearing a bright red fez rose and passed a dossier. “News of violence directed at the Brotherhood has spread quickly, your majesty. It seems to have inspired quite a few ponies outside of Ponyville to do the same. Scattered confrontations have taken place in Cloudsdale, but even more shocking is the appearance of an informant. We must move immediately to secure any information this pony may have, and ensure his or her safety.”
“Thank you Fez. Capotain, you may speak.”
A regal looking earth pony with a thick mustache and a pilgrim style hat passed another dossier to the princess. “The informant phenomenon is not limited to Cloudsdale. I have reports of a griffon ready to speak about The Family, and a unicorn informing on the Conclave.”
“Turban, you may speak.”
A burly looking earth pony with a fire in his eye rose from his seat forcefully. “Equestria is on the verge of a revolution. Your initiative must be expanded! This STAG, as you call it, needs to extend its reach immediately if we are to control the situation.”
“Fancy Top Hat with a Monocle, you may speak.”
There were many things Luna was good at. We can add 'making this look good' to the list. “Sister… He’s right. We need to move, and soon. I believe I may be able to help with that. I’d like to join them.”
“Join? You don’t mean…”
“If STAG and the Saints continue as they did last night, they may require additional assistance to keep them safe. Not to mention grounded... Directing them personally would benefit them as well as us. Also, I’m bored, and I’d like the challenge.”
“You just want to use that gravity spell again.”
“True!”
Rainbow was not having a very productive late morning. Fluttershy was just plain missing and Pinkie was still comatose. With her luck Rarity would still be hungover and ready to slash the throat of anypony who crossed her. RD was not looking forward to knocking on that particular door… Maybe she could convince Pierce or Shaundi to talk to Rarity instead…
Either way she braced for the worst as she approached the door to the Carousel Boutique and knocked softly. If a knife went airborne Rainbow would not be caught off-guard.
“Coooming! Just a moment.” A sing-song voice called out from inside, leading to much confusion in the pegasus outside. As the door opened Rainbow was greeted by the warm and smiling face of Rarity, looking fabulous. “Why hello Rainbow, good to see you up so early. Can I interest you in some tea?”
Rainbow simply stood and stared with her mouth open for a moment before shaking the confusion out of her head. This may be unexpected, but RD was not a pony to question good fortune. “Yeah, sure. I’ve had a rough morning and I need to check on your guests anyway.”
“Oh Shaundi and Mr. Washington? Yes they’re doing quite well. In fact I’ve started making new clothing for them! It turns out Washington is quite concerned with his appearance and has commissioned me to create a new line for him. Oh the wonderful things we shall do with the color purple!”
Rainbow’s jaw had once again gone slack. “How the hay are you not hungover!?”
“Oh please Rainbow, I am a lady. You think I would allow myself to spend a morning vomiting and being miserable? I know my limits and I drink only the finest of wines. Hmph!”
“You were completely hammered! And you walked it off like you’re a professional alcoholic? Do you unicorns have some sort of spell to cure hangovers or something!?”
“Rainbow, I’m shocked by what you’re implying! I am a lady of respect, fashion, and sophistication. I live in a world where the slightest mistake shall be judged by all!”
“Okay, I suppose that makes se-“
“Of course I’m an alcoholic! I mastered the anti-hangover spell my first week of college.”
Shortly before noon, in the library
“Please?”
“No”
“I’ll leave it unloaded!”
“No! A thousand times no! No rocket launchers at the speech.”
“But what if somepony comes at me, tries to assassinate me? What am I going to do? Brutally murder them with only my bare incendiary shotgun shells? I feel so naked…”
“You are a very strange little man… Can we please go back to tactics and not whining?”
“As we walk, luv. It’s almost showtime, I’d like to see if your friend pulled through.” The leader of the Saints, and now STAG, casually turned on his heel and walked out the door of the library, leaving a frustrated Twilight to follow. A full morning of swapping ideas, tactics, and plans had born very little in the way of progress. Although Oleg did learn quite a few new ways to insult a pony as he lurked in a side room…
“I still think every single plan you’ve proposed is crazy.”
“Now I’m offended. Please, it’s pants-on-head crazy. Get it right!”
“And there is no way your friend Shaundi is going to agree to your idea.”
“But it fits perfectly! Give ‘er some of that ponification juice from your crazy-ass genocidal alternate universe equivalent, and send ‘er off to scout out new locations for us in advance. What could go wrong? It’s bloody brilliant.”
“There is absolutely nothing about that plan that isn’t completely unfair to your friend! Do you even care if she gets killed out there?”
“Course I care. I’m just confident she won’t. You need to have trust in yer mates, luv. If you don’t, you’re in the wrong business, I’ll tell you that right now.”
Twilight could only sigh in frustration. This was not an argument she would win anytime soon. Also, the town square was rapidly approaching as they walked. She would need to polish her speech on the fly to give it some extra punch. This was an important day, even if the librarian dreaded every single moment of it. They would begin their recruiting drive for the Saints today.
Twilight hated herself for agreeing to this, but it made sense. What better way to fight a gang than by making your own damn gang. If they led it themselves they could control their actions and promote peace through unity. She figured if their ponies were numerous and strong enough, violence could be avoided completely through intimidation. Scare the rivals who would do harm away from their territory.
There was no going back now. Twilight had four humans with a plan, the will, and the ability to pull Equestria from the brink. She had come this far and risked her reputation to do it. She may have disappointed Celestia with her brash actions, but redemption would be found in victory! It was that very thought that kept Twilight walking as they approached the gathered crowd. Their friends were already waiting at a podium somepony had brought.
‘It’s a shame I still really hate public speaking…’ Twilight thought.
In the clouds above Ponyville
All had been set, and all was moving as planned and predicted. When you advertise your presence and serve yourself up on a silver platter it’s hard to resist calling you out on it…
And that’s just what a griffon in the clouds intended to do. One paid off pony, one magically detonated bomb, one royal protégé, and as many bodies as could fit in the blast radius. And the only pony in the village who could possibly find it ahead of time, Pinkie Pie, was still stuck in a freaking coma. Lady luck had smiled wide and this guy was there to reap the rewards.
As the human and pony duo approached the crowd cheered for their arrival. The Brotherhood operations in the region had been single-handedly crippled in a single day by a dream team of world saving bad-asses. Also Fluttershy… nopony was quite sure what to make of that.
“Whoah, hold up, luv.” As the leaders of the Saints approached the podium the human froze mid-step, holding his hand out to stop Twilight. “Something’s not right, hang back a bit.”
Twilight cocked her head to the side in confusion. “You’re going to have to elaborate a bit. I don’t see anything out of the ordinary.”
“My yacht senses are tingling…”
“Yacht senses? Have you been drinking again!?”
Her partner did not reply, but instead reached into his coat and revealed a small toy boat. It was a model yacht. “It tells me things. I have a sense for when a yacht is going to meet a terrible demise.”
“…You’re telling me the toy boat talks to you?”
“No, I just know these things. Happens more than you’d think. Yachts and I have history together.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Don’t question science!”
‘This is taking too long. Time for training to kick in. Target spooked, what do? Detonate early, buy time, distract. Move in for kill, CQC to be sure, run away. Okay I can do this…’
*beep*
Before the sound of the blast even reached the clouds the griffon was off. Far below an orange glow enveloped the region surrounding what used to be a podium. It would be useless for anything other than a distraction, however. Too small and not enough shrapnel to cause casualties. This was not a terribly large bomb. It was a tool for assassination, not demolition.
And so the griffon fell. It wasn’t ideal but the talons of a motivated and trained killer were devastating.
In the mind of a different killer
‘Loud noise, bomb, someone tried to kill me. Still alive, find douchebag. Whistling sound, something falling, look up. Griffon. Distance… close enough. Shot ready to fire, aim, only one chance.’
*Blam!*
‘Blood spatter, hit it dead on, roll out of way it’s still falling. No other targets found… I’m safe. Standing down…’
Back in the real world
“And another one bites the dust… This is a good day!” As the Boss held his trusty shotgun he was quite pleased with how that went. One dead griffon, no dead ponies. That’s what he would call a win-win.
Twilight was not so pleased. “Did you have to blast him like that!?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. First off, blasting things like that is always a good idea when they’re charging.”
“He was ridiculously outnumbered! Even if he flew away Dash could have caught him no problem!”
Rainbow, however, had other things on her mind. “Uhh, Twi. I hate to break it to you, but-”
“One day, that’s all I asked for! ONE day of not murdering everything that isn’t on your side!”
Rainbow placed a hoof on her friend’s shoulder in an attempt to be comforting. “Twilight, I think you need-”
“But NO! First sign of any danger and you pull a shotgun. Nopony was even hurt!”
“Twi-”
“Is this how it’s always going to be?! I know you have ways of disabling and not killing. But do you ever think to use them? Noooo…”
Rainbow was annoyed, so she shouted “Twilight!” directly into her friend’s ear.
The librarian was stunned for a moment. She had barely even noticed Rainbow’s presence before, so the sudden shout was a bit overpowering. She slowly turned to her friend and finally noticed the concerned look on her face.
“Twilight… That was you.”
“Rainbow? What-”
“He didn’t fire a shot.”
“What are you talking about.”
“That was you. You plastered him with magic. You killed the griffon. Why can’t you remember?”
Twilight stood completely still for a moment, trying to wrap her head around her friend’s words. It was only then that she noticed something felt off. Something was dripping…
She looked down. It was blood. She was covered in it. She had been the target, she had killed the killer.
She was the murderer...
“Oh… Well this is new.”
The leader of the Saints smiled knowingly. “Hah! Welcome to the 'Voices tell me to hurt people' club! We have t-shirts, stay for the coffee. You’re gonna love it here, mate.”
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92565
"Hope next Ch. as good as this one. "
Oh well gee, put the pressure on why not? Also crotch shots are pretty much 'his thing'. I have been very tempted to play Saint's Row using nothing but nut shots to defeat my foes, and it would be totally possible.
On a note related to the chapter... I think I broke them.
Disclaimer: I will not 'break the cutie', Twilight will not pull a Pinkamena, and Celestia will be more or less fine. But nopony is getting out of this story without some damage. (liver damage that is!)
What? No tribal head-gear hats?
93165
It's a big ministry, but Elaborate Native Head-Dress is running for re-election this season. Root for him!
93172
Finally, a reason to get excited for politics!
saints meet luna or celestia me want
I enjoyed this chapter...anbd so another character joins the previosuly saint exlusive 'creepy voices' club...can I get a T-shirt too?
...epicness...that is all...
BWA HA HA HA HA HAAA!!!
Man this is getting good, i mean i always dreamed of being in the saints, I mean they are badass, But Twilight? now that WAS a Surprize my man, Keep them chapters a comeing.
Looool
I don't think I've laughed so hard at a story in a while. Take all of my stars. I don't think I need them anymore.
I like this because reasons...
...also, ministry of silly hats FTW!
"One payed off pony[...]"o
Should be "paid". There are also several other clerical errors. Also, I am one to think that Twilight wpuld not only be okay with but also welcome the Yacht Sense, especially considering the events of Feeling Pinkie Keen.
93772 Why is that 'o' there?
hahaha so good, I wanna be in that club
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She will embrace it later, but for now that doesn't mean she likes it. It's new, silly, and very abruptly introduced. I don't care who you are, that raises an eyebrow. Also the man it's coming from isn't exactly known for turning down an opportunity to mess around. He's an unreliable house guest, no doubt.
Also thank you for the error report. I embrace any and all efforts to expose my failings. If anyone at all sees anything else, in any chapter, comments or PMs shall be rewarded with e-cookies. Possibly e-cake. I'm told the electrons are delicious.
94432
Also reviews and criticism, still. I look at the 4.8 rating and I think "Lies! They rated a crotch shot dispenser, not a story!"
It doesn't help that I frequently write under the influence of alcohol... Who in their right mind turns to the Ministry of Silly Hats that fast? And I don't mean Celestia, I mean the author. I want to have what he was having.
...Oh right, it was tequila. Hurray!
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I'm wondering then...
Will any of the ponies follow the "Rule of Tequila?"
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR!
"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"
Mythbusters reference. BADASS!
Holy Luna in a pizza box! Kid, with this chapter you just fucked pretty much everything to the point of creating extremely dangerous ponies that would and probably will, create the greatest massacre of the century!
96467
That is sorta the idea.
The emotional distress subplot is well underway and the boat hasn't even left the harbor. Let the games begin!
I'm charter member of the 'Voices tell me to hurt people' club.
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Sweetie Belle, huh... Well crap, how did I never notice I was doing that? Now I feel silly.
This did help me quite a bit, thank you. Also it's coming from the author of a story that I quite like, so color me honored. As my first foray into literature I really should have started with some one-shots or something more easily corrected. But noooo... Got an idea in my head and I had to run with it like a drunken madman. (which I am, but still)
I shall try to correct these issues in my style as I continue, but more than likely a slight re-write will be in order before moving past the current act. I was already considering it as I am becoming less and less fond of how I handled a few other things. (which you'll probably notice if you read on...)
Also, perhaps less tequila once I actually start typing. That may have a positive effect.
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The Protagonist is many things to many people. I actually debated not describing him at all to allow the reader to impose their own vision on the character. In the end I allowed my own bias to color my interpretation, but I can't discourage the addition of your own flair.
On a completely unrelated note, apologies for not updating this thing in a while. I'm still reeling from the holidays and school is consuming my thoughts. (new semester starts tomorrow, yay!) But I will try to resume a normal schedule within a week or so.
may i ask you something? you know in the saint games you get 3 new alliesto help? well i was wondering if you didint compley come up with some allies, well i have an idea for one, if yu listin you wont be disapointed.
P.S i dont know if you planed for the mane 6 to fill that slot, but your story would be better if you had allies who know about the gangs, and plus 3 crazy but kicking ponies you want to get as ass, now thats going to be a hoot.
-WW
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At the rate I'm progressing it'll be a while before I get to that point in the story, but I do intend to recruit a few lieutenants. (see the briefly mentioned informants for a touch of foreshadowing) It's a very Saints thing to do, I have noticed. I do have some wiggle room regarding the casting, but barring sudden inspiration I already have plans on the cooker for them.
Suggestions may not be used, but they shall not be discouraged.
This. Is.
GLORIOUS
OH HELL NO! A saints row pony!? Dude. Consider me tracking, I haven't even read it yet. I don't need to. Its saints row...What else do I need to say!? Not to mention you have an avatar of Deadpool. So I know you know comedy.
I am now caught up, and seriously hoping you choose to continue. This so far is fantastic. Im a little sad that its been so long since an update. But hey, hopefully your not dead.
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Not dead, but close! Thank you for the kind words.
School work is hounding me non-stop lately, and I do very much regret that I haven't had enough time to dedicate to this. But I am working on it! Slowly but surely half finished bits and pieces of story are coming together and I fully plan to flood this place with alcohol and insanity during my spring break.
I probably could publish a chapter now... (I'm sitting on 2k words) but that would do more harm than good I think. Needs more time and work to make it GLORIOUS. Also revisions for previous chapters...
So yeah, spring break is in a week or so. Expect updates and an author complaining of carpal tunnel then. (Pinkie Pie promise)
274322 Well now, don't go forcing yourself. I would rather you take your time, and make it so everything is "Saintalicious" before posting. Take as much time as you need! The best stories don't get that way just by pleasing rabid fans.
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All very true, but then again... all that you see before you was written over a winter break! I think I hammered out the first two chapters and the prologue over a single glorious (and intoxicated) weekend. Plus, the real beauty behind this story is the actual amount of planning required to make it funny!
None. I pull it all out of my ass on the spot. It's not very comfortable but it works.
The real time is spent on prose and editing... Besides, I only intend to finish off Act 1 before going on hiatus again. Shouldn't be too hard to pull a week-long bender and then polish the steaming pile in-between classes.
...I assume.
Hahah! Overly optimistic predictions.
274691 You could pull the steaming pile out and throw it at some proofreaders. They could sprinkle some grammar on then throw it along the line. Punctuation next, then it would eventually make it back to you wrapped in a bow and smelling like vanilla. It would save you time. I would offer but, well. I do pretty much the same thing. Minus im lucky enough to have ms word to work with. It fixes most spelling and grammar mistakes.
As for the winging it all thing? My story "the nature of the beast" was winged. Up until l about chapter 60 I just wrote it. So I know for a fact its not a polished gem. You at least go back and fix your mistakes. I still need to fix the first umpteen chapters from when I wasent taking it seriously.
Sorry, getting off subject, but yea, you could try and find a few proofreaders. Or just one... I can try to help, not sure If I would be any though.
MAKE MORE.
CARLIN, I SUMMON THEE! THOU SHALL WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER!
still hilarious, after the third reread.
I can't wait to see what happens next
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"Haven't actually read that one yet, I'll have to take a read of it sometime."
You're better off with the spin-off stories, the original isn't that good
Soooo...
The leader of the Saints smiled knowingly. “Hah! Welcome to the 'Voices tell me to hurt people' club! We have t-shirts, stay for the coffee. You’re gonna love it here, mate.”
I'm in
OH GOD MAH SIDES!
MOAR!
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Count me in too!~
2147600 yay can i join too!
I relize you're never going to work on this again, but...it'd be funny if Zimos, Angle, and Kinzie appear!
I love this story, and I hope you come back to this
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
It's worse waiting for this than Mort Takes A Holiday