Chapter 3: Walkabout
Chapter 3: Walkabout
“Out of the way, clear a path ya blighters! Ain’t you ever seen an alien on a mission before!?”
The three fillies known collectively as the Cutie Mark Crusaders and the quartet of humans known as the Saints struggled to make their way through a gaggle of assorted townsfolk gathered around the library. Most were ready and eager to make a path for the group, but the concentration of ponies made it difficult to part the cluster.
The orange pegasus filly called Scootaloo hardly noticed, however. Her blue scooter towing a bright red wagon holding her two closest friends cared not for the plight of other ponies. She plowed ahead, her wings furiously buzzing as her humans shouldered their way past the crowd.
Scoots, for all her excitement, did actually have a destination in mind. If these strangers really were that new to Ponyville, even Equestria itself, then there was only one place they needed to stop to get a better lay of the land. Sugarcube Corner! It was almost exactly in the center of town and held the single most connected pony in all of Ponyville, aside from Iron Hart but he didn’t count.
“The hell does this kid eat anyway!? Red Bull and sugar bombs?”
“Oh poor baby has to run for something for once. Cry me a river, Pierce, you can keep up!”
“Shaundi, how are you running in those heels anyway? I know that can’t be comfortable.”
“How do you run with those panties riding up on you? It must hurt!”
“Oh that’s just uncalled for…”
“Hey Mr. Cake? You ok? You look funny. Oh! Did you hear a funny joke!? Can I hear it? I love jokes!”
“It’s not that Pinkie, just a feeling of dread is all… Is your Pinkie Sense going off at all?”
“Actually it’s been going craaaaazy all day for some reason. Lots of falling objects and a couple doozies, and somepony really should watch out for a door at some point, and something about a wandering testicle. What’s that about?”
As the most mismatched group of all time approached the famed Sugarcube Corner only one phrase wandered through the minds of the humans.
”Is that a fucking gingerbread house?”
Apple Bloom, having apparently taken up mind reading, explained. “It ain’t actually gingerbread, but they sure did a real nice job makin’ it look like it huh? Y’all can come inside, you have to meet Pinkie Pie!”
The Boss surveyed his surroundings. Wooden homes all around, thatched roofs, civvies galore, and an elaborate and beloved bakery. Not ideal for a firefight. “How about we meet outside the bakery… What was your name again?”
“Apple Bloom! Oh shoot, how'd I forget to even introduce myself, sorry!… My friends here are Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo. “
“Hi!”
“Hey!”
“Charmed. Oi, you three, cover the building. I’m going to say hello.” He raised his hand to his human companions and gave a series of signals.
“Why can’t you all come inside?” Sweetie Bell looked slightly dejected.
Years in the business have honed the Boss’ BSing skills to a fine point. “Oleg here has issues with doors that are two sizes too small for him. Wouldn’t be fair to him if we all went inside and he had to wait.”
“This is true little ponies. I can manage but it is terribly inconvenient to crouch and crawl simply to say hello. Perhaps if we were to linger I might oblige, but today we only ‘touch and go’ as you say.”
“Right, that. Let’s make this fast.”
Pierce gave a mock salute and trained his eyes on the horizon. “We got your back boss.”
As the Boss approached the door he could only think it was a shame they didn’t have the luxury of staying longer. The smell coming from the ovens here was heavenly. A cupca-crack! oh so that’s what a door to the face feels like. Good to know…
“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! How can I hel-oh hi Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie! Where did the other voice go? I could have sworn there was somepony else out here. OH! Is it hide-and-seek? I LOVE that game! Ok onetwothree GO!”
As the door to the bakery slowly closed itself in the sudden absence of a certain pink pony the Boss had several things on his mind.
A: Never give that pink thing caffeine.
B: Doors to the face are quite painful, that has not changed.
C: Ponies are all nutters.
He liked nutters…
“Roight, new plan gents. Oleg, get us some cupcakes. Rest of you, spread and search. Wrangle us a pony, yeehaw!”
At a recently constructed and luxurious penthouse near the road between Canterlot and Ponyville
Slick was having the worst day of his life. If he hadn’t saved up a LOT of brownie points with the boss he’d be dead by now. As it was he probably would have preferred the swift death of his employer. Instead he had been tasked with rounding up a crew and showing those posers what it meant to buck with the Brotherhood.
Sure he had no doubts they would be successful, but how many balls would be lost in the process? He was quite fond of Righty…
“How in the hell did Pinkie get in the school house bell?”
Pierce and Sweetie Bell stood dumbfounded just outside the town’s school. When the Boss sets his mind to finding something nothing, but nothing, will stand in his way. Executing elaborate parkour maneuvers through the quiet village and scaling the school just to ‘make sure’ was petty compared to the good ol’ days.
“HAH! Found ya you little blighter! No one hides from a Saint for long!”
“Wowie that was fast! Normally not even Rainbow Dash can find me that fast, and she can fly! What’s your secret?”
“Luv, a magician never reveals his tricks. But I am willing to trade…”
“Oh oh! I love trades! I can trade mfmfmble-“
The Boss was extremely quick to stop a potential nonsensical rant before it could even begin. He had a sixth, possibly a seventh, sense about these things. “Information for information will do just fine, mate. We’re very new and we’re needing to know the lay of the land and who we can trust. More importantly, who hates the Brotherhood even more than we do. Think you can manage that?”
“Absopositivolutely! I know everypony in Ponyville! You need to talk to Applejack! If there’s anypony who has it in for those meanie-pants it’s AJ. Did you know they steal her apples? How awful it must be! Those apples are her life. It’d be like… like... Someone stealing all my cupcakes! Or my balloons! gasp! What if they stole my balloons!?”
“I’m sure you’d be devastated. Hows about you tell me how to find this Applejack fellow and we’ll get your balloons back.”
“Gosh you sure are helpful! I think she’s at Rarity’s boutique right now. Catching up with Rare and Shy or something like that. I forget!”
“Lovely… Be right back then!”
On the streets on Ponyville leading to the Carousel Boutique
“Seriously, she’s named after a drink?”
“That’s what she said, mate. I’m just reporting the facts.”
The quartet of Saints and trio of Crusaders were once again traversing the city, though at a much slower pace this time. All were munching on a box of cupcakes Oleg had procured from the Cakes. No one was sure how he paid for them and Oleg insisted it would be to their mutual benefit if he did not elaborate. It was probably nothing…
It was worth noting that the group had attracted quite the following, consisting of almost half the entire population of Ponyville. Curious townsfolk lined the side streets trying to catch a glimpse of the strange new creatures visiting their fair village. Pegasi lined the clouds above acting as shadows. Figuratively and literally, as the airborne ponies flocked in such density as to create a lovely patch of shade for the travelers.
For anypony else this would be a source of great distress or curiosity as they were mobbed by less than discreet attention. For the three oblivious fillies and four jaded humans, however, not a single fuck was given on this day.
They arrived at their destination in very short time. Shockingly the shortcuts suggested by Scootaloo actually worked. Leave it to a ground-bound pegasus to find the path of least resistance. The Carousel Boutique itself was, rather appropriately, fashioned to look like a very elaborate carousel. The Saints had to use all the willpower developed over their long and difficult lives to restrain their amusement. Seriously, wtf man? A carousel?
Inside the boutique itself
“And that’s why I think Twilight is secretly afraid of me…”
“Well it’s not every day you see a pony make a bear writhe in agony. I reckon Ah’d be mighty intimidated too, Shy.”
“But it wasn’t agony! It was a massage I swear.”
“Dear you know what she means. For all Twilight probably saw she simply thinks you were assaulted by that bear and you defended yourself. In a manner that makes me very strongly consider suggesting you add either ‘masseuse’ or ‘assassin’ to your resume.”
“Oh goodness…”
Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity all sat around a table in the boutique’s kitchen. It had been a very long while since any of them had a chance to sit down and simply enjoy each other’s company. Fluttershy had become something of a hermit in the weeks following the introduction of the Brotherhood. The soft spoken pegasus never was terribly good around crowds. But when those crowds became violent and likely to ‘recruit’ a pony they saw as useful, and savagely beat any non-earth pony that wasn’t, it became nearly impossible to coax the mare out of hiding.
Meanwhile, brave Applejack had been seen as useful and was rather forcefully ‘recruited’ into the gang’s operations. Sweet Apple Acres was once a friendly and welcoming place for all ponies. Now it was barred to public access to prevent rivals from sabotaging their newly founded distilleries. All that open space well hidden from prying eyes made it perfect for manufacturing illicit goods away from the prying eyes of authority.
And lastly Rarity... In the wake of the violence her shop had fallen on hard times. No pony of fashion would dare to come near Ponyville after the rise of faction based discrimination. Most of her high profile, and thus high paying, clients were the unicorns of Canterlot. It would make every bit of sense for Rarity to abandon Ponyville and head for the hills of the gleaming white city of royalty, but she had drawn inspiration from Rainbow’s decision to stay and made a loyal stand. She still risked violence, but she had her priorities.
Priorities that were quite rudely interrupted by a sharp knocking at her door… Who the hay could that be?
Moments earlier…
The Boss stood before the door to the boutique with his fist raised, ready to knock. Something in the back of his mind set off a warning bell, however. “Hey Pierce!”
“Yeah Boss, got your back.”
“You remember the last time we took a tour of a new city?”
“Steelport? Sure that was fun. Tricked out our ride, got some new threads. Oh wow déjà vu. Replace Rim Jobs for Cupcake Corner and we’re doing it all over again.”
“Right, and do you remember what happened after we visited the clothing store?”
“We got assaulted by a freak of nature who could punch cars and a mob of thugs with guns… Oh, I hear ya.”
“Fan out and defend. Paranoia pays off in my line of work. You fillies had best get some distance.”
“But I practically live here! Rarity is my sister.” The marshmallow of a unicorn protested very cutely as her friends refused to leave her side. The Crusaders got the hint that they may not be safe anymore, but ‘good ideas’ and ‘safety precautions’ was not part of the Crusading MO.
“Okaaay then. Soon as the door’s open you three get inside and hide with your sis’. Got it?”
All three fillies beamed wide smiles as they got their way. If a fight was going to break out they wanted front row seats to see what the aliens could do! They gave a mock salute and said in unison. “We promise to stay out of your way mister The Boss!”
“…cute.” The Boss swept the area with his eyes once more to make sure his crew was in position. Pierce and Shaundi were out of sight, which was good, and Oleg took up position on the street leading to town center. If anyone, or rather anypony, tried approaching they would not do so unnoticed.
The Boss knocked on the door and steeled himself for the worst. If this were a video game that damn door was the invisible trigger that spawned at least two, maybe three, waves of bad guys. His trusty shotgun was hidden under his coat but remained ready for action the moment it was required. Fortunately for the fillies in his company the door was answered before their message to the Brotherhood was.
“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! Where everything is chic, magnifique, and-oh sweet Celestia what are you!?” The purple maned unicorn was not very subtle in her surprise. Normally shivering and backing away slowly was reserved for Fluttershy, but the fashionista had never seen a creature quite like this one. Her shock was soon interrupted as an orange mare wearing a Stetson hat barreled past her to confront whatever threat may have waited beyond the door.
“What the hay’s got you spooked Rare? Lemme past! Is it one of them Brother – oh sweet Celestia what the hay is that thing…”
The Boss noticed a pattern. He was not convinced he liked it.
The Crusaders broke the cycle of shock and awe before it could go on much longer, and once again spoke in unison. “Hi Rarity, hi Applejack! Can we come inside, thanks bye!” And did not bother waiting for a response before darting past the speechless mares, not even bothering to acknowledge a Fluttershy cowering in a corner. They needed to find the best window with a view, and fast!
Human and earth pony stared at each other in silence for a moment, neither wanting to make the first move when they were sure the other was almost certainly full of violent intentions towards the unknown other. Neither had the chance to break the silence themselves as a voice called from the skies. “It’s called a human, ask Twilight!”
Both mare and human looked up and noticed a rainbow maned pegasus descending rapidly. She looked out of breath as she spoke. “YOU! Are very hard to find. How the hay is something like you so hard to find in this town!? And the rumor mill around here, sucks. Not a single pony could give me or Twilight decent directions. NOT ONE! How sad is that?”
“Wait wait wait… wait. You said ‘ask Twilight’? Oh heavens to Betsy she’s gone and done something stupid hasn’t she?”
“Define stupid, luv. Stupid as in reckless, or stupid as in recruited a friend with far more awesome than she could ever hope to contain?”
Applejack deadpanned, Rainbow smiled. “I like this guy… Can we keep him?”
“Already claimed, Skittles. Ask the purple one if you’d like a loaner.”
Applejack did not like the way this conversation was going. She had two speechless and terrified friends behind her and she WAS going to get to the bottom of it. “That’s all well and good mister, but what in the HAY are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, actually. I hear you have something of a grudge against the Brotherhood. I like that… Oh and also some new clothes might be nice. Only have the one set on me back, might start to get a bit ripe if we’re here too long.”
Rarity perked up faster than anypony thought should be possible at the mention of clothing. “Now that I can help with! And may I say, such a lovely shade of purple you’re wearing.”
“You like purple too? Fantastic! You and I are going to get along famously, luv.”
If the feeling of dread had physical weight, Slick would have been crushed under it. He was flanked by as many dumb muscle ponies as he could find and an additional Bruiser he bribed with a bottle of whisky. He wasn’t sure what those guys ate but they seemed to be fueled by booze and stupid.
The boutique was in sight, it had taken ages to find a pony that had actually seen where the Saints were heading. Now was the time for adrenaline to take over for rational thinking.. All he had to do was show up and stab something, how hard could it be?
*click*
“Aw horse apples…”
*BANG*
The pony next to Slick collapsed in pain, blood from his right leg exploded across the street and gave Slick a new shade of red in his coat. He was no stranger to firearms, but he could have sworn only the Griffons had guns that accurate…
Time seemed to move in slow motion for Applejack. A loud noise had come from somewhere behind the building and now the human was darting towards it while pulling out a metal tube from his coat. All she knew was a fight was going to break out, she could feel it in her bones. She barely even noticed that Twilight had also arrived and was being followed by a second human that more closely resembled a bald bear of some sort.
This fight had gone south quickly. First they get ambushed by gunfire and now a crazy pink pony popped out of a bush that was entirely too small to actually contain a pony of any size and was busy assaulting his men with pastries. For delicious cupcakes they sure could send a pony flying…
But that was petty compared to what came next. The Saints revealed themselves in full force as all four charged with reckless abandon. Or maybe not so reckless… They were joined on all sides by five mares Slick instantly knew to be Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Fluttershy. All five plus the pink pony were very high on his list of ‘ponies of interest’. All six were known as the saviors of Equestria not just once, but twice. He knew if they all had the motivation to fight on this day, he was bucked.
But maybe he could get a promotion if he took out the purple one…
Twilight had never been in a fight this big before. AJ and RD seemed to be right at home as they met the line of Brotherhood head-on. But then she knew what she needed to do. A Bruiser appeared and charged straight for the female Saint. Shaundi was already occupied beating the stuffing out of a common thug and would not see the blow come. Twilight had no hope of stopping the brute outright, but telekinesis could be just as useful in deflecting large moving masses.
As lavender light filled her horn and enveloped the Bruiser her concentration was devoted entirely to this task. He was big, heavy, and moving very quickly. Every single ounce of her will was directed towards subverting the brute’s attack…
The Boss admired his crew’s efficiency at joining a good fight. He was actually at something of a loss. He had no decent targets for once. He knew it would be unwise to simply open fire when he still needed to gain the trust of his future crew. But he was not at a loss for long as he met Oleg’s eyes. They had rehearsed for just such an occasion countless times but never had an opportunity to employ this particular maneuver.
Oleg wasted no time in grabbing the Boss by the waist and hoisted him above his head. He drew back his arm while his comrade did his best impression of a javelin, for that was exactly what he was about to become.
All he needed now was a target. The yellow pegasus was the obvious choice as he had noticed her extreme reluctance to join the fray, but he was badly mistaken. The mare was already surrounded by unconscious thugs somehow. Even now she held one more in a choke-hold as he gasped for breath in a desperate struggle. Oleg smiled inside. It was always the quiet ones you needed to watch for.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were out of the question. The pair had rapidly developed into a well-tuned fighting machine. Pegasus set them up, earth knocked them down. Their foes never stood a chance. It was only a shame they were not aiming for the testicles. His employer would have greatly appreciated that.
The white and purple maned unicorn seemed to be faring well, though she only dared to engage one at a time. The fashion conscious mare had drawn a long elegant knife from somewhere. Her magic effortlessly sent the deadly blade in a beautiful dance through the air as a desperate Brother panicked at the sight. Oleg was sure the unfortunate stallion would not soon have the same number of orifices.
Shaundi had proven herself to be a rather single-minded yet ruthless hand-to-hand fighter. Nopony dared to interrupt her vicious beatdown. Oleg was certain that particular stallion would be restricted to a liquid diet for sometime.
Pierce, meanwhile... Well who gave a fuck about Pierce?
It was then that he laid eyes on Twilight Sparkle. The bookish unicorn had effortlessly disabled a Bruiser with her powerful magic, but it left her distracted. A Brother carrying a blade had managed to sneak behind the librarian and had reared upon his hind legs to deliver a devastating blow with his knife. Two things immediately occurred to Oleg…
One: He had little time to throw his Boss and disable the would-be assassin.
Two: He was reared up on his legs and left his genitals exposed to attack…
Oleg was pleased to note his employer came to the same conclusion as he soared through the air. He flew surprisingly well for a psychopathic murderer.
The Boss, meanwhile, thought this fight had a very uneven ratio of balls to shotgun butts. And he was just the man to solve that…
Meanwhile at Sweet Apple Acres
Granny Smith was annoyed. Now was not a good time for a break. “Macintosh! What’s all this now, Ah thought I raised ya better. Why you crossing your legs like that!?”
“It’s nothing Granny. Just… Just a sympathy pain is all.” The ordinarily infallible stallion had doubled over in phantom pain. He wasn’t sure where it came from, but he knew what it meant. “It’s not something y’all mares would understand, ya see…”
“Oh that felt good! Anyone else want to take on the Nutcracker?!” The Boss was ecstatic as he held his shotgun aloft, a spatter of blood decorated the handle. Slick lay crumpled in a head at his feet, tears readily flowing from his eyes.
Righty had not survived the encounter.
Not a single conscious male was not sharing his pain at that moment. They were ready to turn tail and flee after seeing that display. The Nutcracker, however, had not finished.
It was a well-rehearsed move. He had been practicing it in his head ever since he arrived. Quadrupeds provided an unexpected obstacle in his campaign to crush grapes. It was much more difficult to access their underside when facing their front. He solved that by making his traditional shotgun spin a one-two punch.
He turned to the nearest stallion and smacked him right in the jaw with the barrel of his gun on an upward swing. The force of the blow sent the Brother reeling as his front end moved skyward. Meanwhile the shotgun twirled once and was repositioned so the Boss held it by the barrel, the handle was left pointing to the sky. In one fluid motion he swung the butt of his beloved Nutcracker in a wide backward swing.
If one listened closely enough, one could hear the sound of a balloon popping as the butt of that shotgun connected with pelvis.
…The boss turned to the next nearest stallion. He smiled…
Meanwhile in Cloudsdale
“Hey Soarin’, you ok? You don’t look so hot. And why are your legs crossed like that?”
“It’s as if millions of sperm cells suddenly cried out, and were silenced…”
“What in the hay are you going on about?”
“Don’t worry about it Spitfire… Not something a mare would understand.”
In the span of five minutes there were a grand total of six testicles left intact. Those belonged to Pierce Washington, Oleg Kirrlov, and the Boss himself.
It was a good day to be a Saint…
Walkabout: Mission complete!
New Crib Unlocked: TREEHOUSE LIBRARY
New Crib Unlocked: CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE
Respect Earned: Level 2
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I suddenly want to play Saint Row now...
Great job.
Okay. Even as a guy, I think Slick didn't deserve to get off that lightly.
The boss couldn't possibly make the "If you want your scrotum to remain in one piece, do not touch Twilight Sparkle", yet she's the only one he attacks, despite having witnessed the bosses brutality. Too dumb to live'd be a compliment to this guy.
Still awesome, still hilarious.
.75917
"Any more obvious" I meant.
I love the unlocks at the end
So fickin hilarious
76000
Not an annoyance at all. If you spotted it that means I didn't! I appreciate any and all reports of errors or criticisms. I'm finding I make for a terrible do-it-yourself proofreader.
Watched.
This is still hilarious, whatever it is you're doing, keep it up.
I don't even know what to say to this. I haven't laughed this hard in ages... Cheers, man.
"Pierce, meanwhile... Well who gave a fuck about Pierce?"
Oh god... i can't stop laughing at it... And "AUGGGHHHH!!! The phantom Pain hit hard!!!!"
Can't wait for more Saints. Keep the good work!
Lol.....no more...no more....its too much....Fuck pierce. Who gives a shit about him. lol!!!
.... BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Ohh that is too funny!
olololol this is too good! You captured the saints personalities greatly!
if you want your balls intact JOIN THE SAINTS(I wonder if celestia will make them her personal guard and police force)
Ha! it has the stats on the bottom of the story! That's funny!
Another hilariously well put together chapter! I'm really liking where your going with this! Keep it up!
*Phantom Pain* Awwwwww, there goes Righty! That was just funny as hell.
Are you trying to murder me? I can't stop laughing!!!!
Gotta say though I felt a wave a sympathy for every testicle lost that day, except of slicks, that just made me snicker.
'It's as if millions of sperm cells suddenly cried out, and were silenced...'
Ha!
This is a great story. Need moar!
These three rules apply in general and should be taught to school children
A: Never give that pink thing caffeine.
B: Doors to the face are quite painful, that has not changed.
C: Ponies are all nutters.
So much genital devastation
So
Much
It's a wonder Steelport's citizens can still reproduce.
TESTICULAR MANSLAUGHTER!!!!
We need MOAR!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Good god, I'm loving this, Please continue. . . Also sympathy pains.
dear god, what will die first
my testicles or me from laughing to much
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..."GASP".....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OH GOD I CAN'T BREATH. You are one crazy Mother #&^%$&, And thats just what a saint Fanfic needs. I Salute you, i cant wait for some more insane saint row action. Oh and that Star wars Pun, BEST.PUN.EVER.
my balls are hurting right now
I don't know why but my balls didn't hurt like everyone elses did.... I guess I got balls of steel or some shit like that!
Horrifying, yet beautiful..