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Sweetie Belle has it all. Money, fame, fans, brand deals and pretty much anything else one could want. But, even with everything she has there is one thing or rather a pony that is missing from her life and it's tearing her apart. She thought that all of her big dreams and fame would make her forget about the daring orange pegasus that she once loved. But she just feels like a loser without her.
This story was inspired by the song Loser of the year by Simple Plan.
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That was a little fast, too much stuff happening for 2k words. And the lack of punctuation marks makes this story kinda hard to read. Maybe get an editor for that? Even MS Word spell check can fix most of it.
Other than that, a good ship. Keep going!
10132951
Thank you, friend.
It was a good idea/premise, but just as it was said before - it felt rushed. It's hard to invest in characters and a storyline if everything just whips by. Some ideas how that might be remedied: Show Sweeties life. One or two scenes as an introduction. They don't have to be huge, just let us see what her daily life looks like. Have her go on stage and be awesome, but once the spotlight shuts down, she becomes miserable thinking about past mistakes - something like that.
Once she decides: Okay, I can't go on like this... show a little more introspection. Her thought process that ultimately leads her to Minuette. Why her? Do these two have a history? How do they know each other? Why does she confide in her?
Sweetie falling asleep there was... a really weird transition, I have to say. A little jarring. Imagine yourself falling asleep in a chair. Don't mind the rest of the situation - just falling asleep in a chair and sleeping there for an entire night. You'd be groggy as hell the next morning, wouldn't you? And again, a little more introspection: Why didn't Minuette wake her up?
Why was Scoots there? Obviously, an explanation doesn't have to be given - it could just be a coincidence. But even a single sentence or paragraph about her visiting friends in the neighborhood or something like that would do wonders.
Which brings us to the final scene, the restaurant. At this point, you've (somewhat) established Sweetie Belle being lonely/desperate, so her confessing and immediately jumping into a kiss might work, buuut - Scoots immediately going for it could use some explanation as well. Again, maybe a little introspection, thought processes, maybe a flashback scene or something. Ain't necessary, but would certainly help.
There's a couple of minor spelling mistakes here and there, but they aren't as jarring as the stories pace.
I hope this doesn't discourage you. As I initially said - it's a good idea. It has potential.
I hope this comment might be somewhat useful.
11095923
Thanks, and I'm glad you commented. You pointed out some flaws in the story (I seem to struggle to pick flaws out of my own stories). I probably should go back and fix this story up a little bit. And no you didnt discourage me, I know I'm not a great writer as I'm still working my way up. Again, thanks for the comment and the insight!