Chapter 15: Dirty Deeds Done on a Budget
A light breeze whistled through the trees, bringing with it the scents of Summer, the nearby market, and the latrine one of Spotter's köpek underlings hadn't had the forethought to dig downwind.
'S what I get for makin' a squad outta bunch 'a Yeniçeri drop outs.
Not that Spotter had ever been a part of the United Tribe Lands' infamous shock troops himself. Heck, he'd been born and raised in Cauldron proper, never even having seen the capital city of his racial homeland. It was just annoying to know that his boss had access to a squad of the more elite forces, yet never used them as anything other than personal guards.
As if anyone'd ever have the balls ta try anythin' 'gainst the ugly piç.
Spotter made extra careful to keep that particular thought in his head. His boss was not the kind of dog that took any sort of criticism well... much less outright insults. As the direct underdog to general Rex, executor Grizzly was in charge of the branch of the city guard that supposedly investigated and arrested other guards for wrongdoing. Which, of course, actually meant that he was in charge of any köpek, pony, griffon, or 'other' that wanted to take any extra... jobs... from the shadier citizens of Cauldron. All for a nominal cut of the payout, of course.
It was a running joke among the non-commissioned officers like Spotter that, while Rex was technically the alpha of the guard, Grizzly was the only one of the two top-dogs that lived up to his name.
A fly buzzed by his ear, and Spotter twitched, trying in vain to keep still and quiet while wearing a full suit of chainmail armor.
"This not good hunting ground, boss." Bayer grunted from behind Spotter, the guarddog's accent mangled the Equestrian words tumbling from his muzzle. The language of Cauldron was the language of business and, currently, the ponies owned most of the big ones. Hence, Grizzly wanted all of them to bone up on their Equestrian.
"Shut up." Spotter growled back, glad for his own fluency.
The NCO figured the griffon girl must have some sort of pack... or flock, he supposed. He couldn't think of any other way a single pup could cause such a huge ruckus that someone'd put up that big a reward for her capture. Whoever wanted her was offering enough bits to catch even executor Grizzly's attention, and so here Spotter was.
At the very least, he figured if the girl was worth so much, some of her buddies might be worth a few extra bits, too. Bits he could sorely use now that his brothers weren't around anymore to help feed their own pack.
A noise broke the sullen silence, and Spotter's ears perked up. Sure enough, their waiting had paid off, with the ivy beneath the bridge parting to reveal a unicorn, a... monkey... thing, and a pegasus.
Two mares and a bald monkey. Easy pickins'. He cracked a sharp-toothed smile at the thought.
He motioned to the rest of the guarddogs and stepped out from cover, keeping his confident smile and casually waving his spear at his soon-to-be prisoners, "I knew waitin' around a couple days would net us a few more!"
Though Spotter often complained about their lax training, the other köpek at least knew enough to keep their spears cocked and aimed at the unicorn, the only one that might prove troublesome to the six of them should she happen to be trained. It was unlikely, though... Equestrians liked to keep the more magically talented of their number in their academies.
"Alright ya bunch 'a idjits. Give up now and we won't have ta hurt ya... much." he continued.
The ponies and the monkey had turned, clearly startled, and simply stared in apparent disbelief as he delivered his threat. Spotter was pleasantly surprised at their reaction. He'd expected the pegasus to try to bolt, at least, which would have been a problem since he'd sent his only guardgriffon along with two of his köpek to escort the last prisoner they nabbed to the fortress.
Still, better let'em know I mean business.
With a well-practiced motion, Spotter hefted his spear and let fly, grinning even more widely as the furless monkey belatedly ducked and yelped, immediately giving up. His amused chuckle, however, was interrupted when he heard a dull thud, rather than the expected clatter, after the spear disappeared into the darkness of the tunnel.
"That's funny..." he muttered, then blanched as a hulking, ten span tall minotaur cow stepped into the light, clutching a slightly bloodied spear in a massive fist.
This was bad. With a capital BAD.
While the males of that species were known more for their posturing than actual violent tendencies, diamond dogs had a saying for whenever someone made a mistake that ended in severe bodily injury. Translated roughly, it went: "Well... at least you didn't piss off a cow."
She muttered something he didn't quite catch past his deep regret over having so callously discarded his weapon, then charged, her pounding hoofsteps shaking the earth beneath his paws.
All too soon, his world became a panicked blur of pain and violence.
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Shawn had once seen a train wreck.
Not in person, mind. He'd been between cases, while Lassie had been on a hot-streak, and listlessly wasting time looking through YouTube. Somehow, he'd ended up watching a live video of a rather large freight train derailing into a wooded area, captured by some sort of extreme train enthusiast. Trees had been plowed over like matchsticks, the earth had been churned into a new landscape, and thousands of tons of steel, coal, and wooden crates had been bent, smashed, and shattered in a nearly biblical act of unnatural violence.
Surveying the aftermath of Softy's rampage, he wondered if this is what that cameraman had felt like. What had occurred could not truly be described as a fight... it had been a rocket powered, iron bowling ball fired from a bazooka slamming into 6 pins made of match sticks, then coming back around and slamming into their sublimated remains again for good measure.
Diamond dogs lay in unconscious, crumpled heaps of dented armor and broken spears, one of them actually hanging from a tree where the enraged minotaur had shoved his head through the trunk. Another one was jammed into the nearby stone bridge in a fashion very reminiscent of Dash's encounter with Blind Rage.
I wonder if that move is part of some sort of popular minotaur karate class, or something...
The errant thought was immediately followed by, Oooo... I should totally take that class!
A panting Soft Speech had assured the onlookers, whose reactions ranged from mildly disturbed to utterly horrified, that all of the dogs were alive and lacking any permanent injuries. One of the dogs, the beagle-looking one that had first spoken, was even still conscious, as evidenced by the occasional wheezing groan he emitted.
Shawn spared a glance towards Pinkie Pie, who had retreated into the tunnel and plugged her ears moments after Softy had charged. The mare was resilient, and he had no doubt that she'd recover quickly enough. Now that he thought about it, Shawn himself might need to visit a therapist at a later date. Just to be safe.
"By the stars..." Wavedancer finally let out the breath she'd been holding. Like him, she'd watched the scene unfold in mortified fascination.
"Didn't you totally try to pick a fight with her?" Shawn whispered, more glad than ever that he'd intervened.
The sea-mare blanched, wide-eyed, and took a few short steps back toward the tunnel, "I'll... ah... be checkin' on Surprise, if ye need me. Poor lass's pro'bly traumatized."
"Wait... why do you get to check on the chipper little pegasus while I have to check on the violent rage-monster?"
"'Cause ye invited 'er on this trip. An' I don' got the best relationship wit'er, if ye recall."
"Maaaan..." Shawn whined, watching her walk back toward the tunnel, then shook his head and gathered his resolve.
The last thing he wanted to do right now was actually approach the obviously distressed berserker, but they needed to keep moving. There was a better than even chance those dogs had been posted there by someone, who'd eventually wonder at the sudden lack of reports or check-ins. Slowly, ever so carefully, he picked his way across the mud-churned grass toward the still-tense minotaur.
Once he got closer, it became obvious that, though victorious, Soft speech hadn't escaped the encounter entirely unscathed. Several bright red lines criss-crossed her previously unmarked brown fur, one of her eyes looked swollen, and her knees trembled slightly. Whether they did out of adrenaline or exhaustion, Shawn couldn't say.
"Hey... uhhh... you okay there, Softy?" he shuffled forward nervously, noting the distant look in her eyes as she stared out through the trees at something only she could see.
Softy glanced back at him, the act of turning her head slow and shaky, under careful control, "I-... Soft Speech is fine."
Shawn stopped and raised his eyebrows, "I?" he repeated, letting his curiosity get the better of him.
The minotaur flinched and sighed, sitting on the ground with her arms wrapped around her legs, chin on her knees before explaining, "Soft Speech forgot herself for a bit..." she smiled, though her voice shook with the admission, as if there was a deeper meaning to the revelation than the obvious.
"Is that supposed to mean something? Because I'm kinda new here, in case you didn't notice." Shawn leaned against a nearby tree, watching her carefully for sudden movements.
Softy looked at him askance, then chuckled, "Soft Speech is constantly amazed both at how much and how little you seem to know, little lamb."
"Actually," he replied, "I know everything. I just can't keep it all in my head at the same time or it'd explode 'like an overripe tomato'."
She laughed again, a little less shakily this time, and put her chin back on her knees, "Minotaurs... we're not like other creatures. Our minds are a little special." she started, then paused, thinking, "When we get angry or afraid enough, we can... we call it 'forgetting yourself'."
Shawn grimaced, already getting a pretty good idea of where this was going.
"Soft Speech felt like she was trapped in her own body. It was... hard... to keep herself from hurting the dogs too much. Like trying to pull a speeding wagon to a stop. The more she loses herself, the harder it is to stop. Eventually, all that's left is a big, angry monster." she spat the last word.
"Whoa, hey now... monster's a bit harsh, don't you think?"
Softy shook her head and continued, her voice giving credence to her name, "It's a one-way trip. It happens to all of us, eventually. A minotaur can really only hope to stay herself until her death-bed, when she's too old and decrepit to hurt anyone. It's why so many of us say our names as much as we can... Soft Speech's mother used to tell her it helps us remember."
Shawn simply stood there, unsure of what to say. He'd never been good at these kinds of situations. Worse, it was something he couldn't possibly hope to relate to. Bad puns rarely went over well with someone that was faced with the hard truth of an inevitable descent from sentience. He racked his brain for something caring and thoughtful to sa-
"Well... that works for me. I'm terrible with names."
Screw you, brain.
Softy turned to look at him, wide-eyed, and Shawn braced himself for whatever outraged retort she had in mind. Which is why her uproarious, knee-slapping laughter caught him entirely by surprise.
"Soft Speech never thought of it that way, but you're right... no one has ever forgotten her name. Heck, maybe some will still remember even after she doesn't." She leaned over, as tall as him even while sitting down, and wrapped him in a friendly, one-armed hug.
Shawn tried to return it as best he could, awkwardly patting her back before she let him go. He noticed she looked far more at ease than a few moments ago, and came to a two-fold conclusion. One: he truly no idea what the hell he was doing when it came to women's feelings. And two: he needed to find The Shadow as soon as possible. Otherwise, Soft Speech would never get any peace and eventually end up... 'not herself'. He found the possibility unbearably sad, for some reason.
"Come on." He put on a jovial tone, as dwelling on depressing topics had never sat right with him, "Let's see if we can teach an old dog a new trick..."
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"... do... 'e'll talk?"
"if... he doesn't want... others..."
Spotter floated in a dream-like haze, the occasional sound or smell rising up from the aether to torment his overly sensitive organs. The first thing he realized was that he was confused. Obviously, he'd fallen asleep, but he couldn't remember the exact circumstances under which his possibly impromptu nap had occurred.
"... think 'e's... up..."
Darkness receded, along with most of the confusion, as his memories came flooding back to him. He and his hunting pack had surrounded the ponies and the monkey, then he'd thrown a spear at the monkey's head. The memory would have brought another chuckle out of him if the mere thought of the act hadn't made his ribs ache. Then...
Oh... right.
With effort driven by panic, Spotter managed to open his eyes, noting his sitting position against a tree near the tunnel, bound to the trunk by the very rope he'd been planning on using on his current captors. If he had been familiar with the concept of irony, he would have been struck by the sheer amount of it inherent in his situation.
"Hey buddy! You're awake!" The clothed monkey spoke, far too loudly and cheerily, from nearby and rushed over to kneel next to him.
Spotter's ears involuntarily plastered themselves against his skull, trying to shield them from the unwanted noise.
"You feelin' better? How many fingers am I holding up?" It asked, waving a stubby appendage in front of his muzzle.
He growled and leaned forward against his restraints, snapping at the clawless fingers. The creature yelped, pulling them out of reach at the last moment. Spotter's growl turned into a chuckle at seeing the thing fall awkwardly on its ass.
"Not cool, dude." It waved its fingers in his direction again in a motion that felt vaguely chastising, "I'm gonna take that as a yes, though."
Spotter growled again as the creature got to its feet and dusted off.
"Name's Shawn Spencer. You've probably heard of me..." It paused, looking almost hopeful, then shrugged and continued when Spotter remained silent, "Well, you will. See, I'm a bit of an investigator... and a daredevil... and a karate master. I admit, those last two aren't really relevant. Awesome, but not relevant. The first one, though: when people lose things, they get in touch with me, and I find the things they lost. For a nominal fee, of course."
The monkey crouched in front of him, that stupid smile still on its face, "Someone with a lot of money to spend wants a particular griffon chick found, and I intend to find her and collect the reward."
Various ideas as to who this thing could be working for crossed Spotter's mind. Chances were, it was after the same reward his boss wanted. Another thought suddenly crossed his mind: if this thing wasn't one of the griffon's pals, then he'd just gotten himself and his pack beaten and captured for nothing. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, though that might just as easily have been from the pounding his head had taken when the minotaur brought her fist down on it.
"Now, besides you, I know there were a few other guards around when you captured the griffon."
The monkey's words brought Spotter out of his speculation in a panic. He struggled against the ropes, but found them to be tight and expertly tied.
What tha-!? Did I say that out loud!?
"No, you didn't tell me that." the monkey reassured him.
Spotter calmed himself, paused, thought about what had just happened, and began to hyperventilate.
"See... the reason I'm so good at what I do is because I happen to be psychic." the monkey... it had called itself a 'Shawn', whatever that was... continued, "So I already know you captured her a while back and sent her off somewhere. Problem is, you woke up before I could find out where."
It only took a few moments for the implications of that to sink in. Now, Spotter liked to think of himself as an astute dog. Not book-smart, maybe, like those fancy diplomats or shamans, but cunning enough to make due in a city that tended to swallow up the less savvy of its citizens. And cunning enough to realize that there had to be a reason the Shawn was talking to him instead of just invading his mind for the information.
But why's he tellin' me-
"See, right about now you're asking yourself: 'why's he telling me all this? Why doesn't he just suck," the Shawn stopped and made a wet slurping sound, "all the info he needs right outta my brain'?"
Spotter stared in silent wonder at the strange creature, trying to silence his mind and coming to the realization that actively trying not to think about something is the surest way to think about it constantly.
"Well, that's where we come to our little problem. See, that kinda thing takes a long time, and I can only do it under certain circumstances, one of them being that you're asleep when I do."
Once again, Spotter let himself relax a little. At least the creature wouldn't be digging around in his head for the moment.
"So... I'm faced with two options. One:" the Shawn paused to let the unicorn mare from before step around the tree and hand him a piece of paper, which he immediately spread out on the ground in front of Spotter, "You show me on this here map exactly where they're taking her."
Bearing his teeth, Spotter growled, "If ya think I'll turn on my boss, then yer even more stupid than ya look, monkey."
If there was one virtue that köpek valued more than any other, it was loyalty. Even a scrounger like him knew better than to turn on his pack or his alpha.
The Shawn only shrugged in response and continued, unfazed, "Or two: I have my little friend put you back to sleep so I can keep trying."
Spotter looked back over at the unicorn, who only smiled and shook her head. Suddenly, a rhythmic clacking echoed from the dark recesses of the tunnel in the side of the bridge. It was the sound of wood casually striking stone.
"You hear that?" the Shawn chirped, raising his eyebrows and jerking a thumb toward the ivy that covered the entrance. That little smile never once left his face as he spoke.
"Yeah. So what?" the dog felt himself starting to panic again as his situation became increasingly desperate.
"That's my friend Softy. You might know her better as the minotaur that just recently redecorated the landscape with your face. Remember?"
The clacking continued, slowly getting louder and louder as an accompanying thump of heavy footsteps became audible beneath it.
"I remember..." Spotter grimaced. In all honesty, he'd probably never forget that mass of charging muscle and anger.
Thump. Pause. CLACK.
"Well, you might not know this, but she likes to carry this big stick..." The Shawn held his arms up, as if trying to illustrate the stick's size, "which she uses to put critters to bed... usually by whacking them over the head once or twice. Now, seeing as we don't really have the time to wait for you to fall asleep naturally, I find myself faced with a bit of a conundrum. If you don't put your claw on this map soon, I'm gonna have to call her over."
Thump. Pause. CLACK.
"And she's going to have to put you back to sleep so I can try my psychic juju a second time."
Thump. Pause. CLACK.
"And until I get what I need from you, she's probably gonna have to do it again,"
Thump. Pause. CLACK.
"And again,"
Thump. Pause. CLACK.
"And again."
Thump. Pause...
The noises stopped just short of the entrance, the echo of that final hoof-step hanging in the air like an executioner's sword.
"The problem is... there's a small chance she'll rattle your brains a little too hard, and you won't even remember how to talk, much less what you did the last couple of days or where you sent the griffon." The Shawn shrugged.
At this point, Spotter let out an involuntary whine. On the one paw, he didn't want to betray his boss.
"I'd be pissin' meself if I were ye..." the unicorn whispered from next to him, "that lass's none too happy 'bout that hole ye poked in'er."
On the other, he never really liked that greedy, old salak, and he really didn't want to face the monster about to come out of that tunnel. Never again, if he could help it.
"So, I'm willing to make you an offer," the Shawn spoke up before Spotter could summon any words, "You tell us all about where you sent that little griffon girl off to, and I'll give you and your boys a cut of what she's worth in advance. Then, you all go away and pretend you never found anything. Deal?"
Spotter narrowed his eyes at the monkey, thoughts running through his head faster than ever before. After a moment's careful consideration, his brain asserted its executive powers and told his integrity (already a sickly thing) to go stick it where the sun don't shine... he wasn't paid nearly enough for this. Although... something about this whole situation was bothering hi-
CLACK.
"Deal!" he barked.
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Shawn tossed the dog a rather hefty bag of coins, the last of the stipend they'd received from Celestia to cover potential costs. He probably could've gotten away with giving them a lot less, but he still felt kind of bad for the beating and probable psychological damage they'd suffered at his group's hands. Hooves. Whatever.
The rest of his group stood warily behind him, having been untied and briefed on the deal their leader had cut for them.
"Now, remember," Shawn pointed to his forehead, "I'll know if one of you talks." Then he pointed to Wavedancer, "And she can find any of you at any time. So, if any of you guys break our little bargain, expect a visit from my little friend here."
Every last one of the dogs winced, glancing fearfully at the implacable Soft Speech standing behind him, arms crossed. She grunted, and the dogs turned tail and ran off, some falling to all fours in their haste.
"He was such a good doggie... and I'd only just taught him how to 'speak'..." Shawn sighed wistfully as he watched the guards run off.
Wavedancer and Softy turned to glance at each other incredulously.
"Yeah..." Pinkie sighed from above him, apparently having completely forgotten all about her earlier trauma, "He wasn't as well trained as the ones Rarity had following her around for a while, though. Well, they didn't follow her so much as kidnap her, but then she totally had them eating out of her hoof! At least until Spike..."
The rest of the story faded into background chatter, and Shawn made a mental note to remind Pinkie that she shouldn't tell too many stories of her adventures with her friends where others could hear. Mildly concerned for her fake identity, Shawn forcibly tuned back into the monologue.
"... and that's when I finally realized: how can an alligator play the tuba without thumbs!? So, then I had to find a whole bunch of worcester sauce..."
Ooookay, sounds innocent enough... I think...
He needn't have worried, his other two companions looked as glassy eyed as he probably had the first few times Pinkie had done this.
"Right." Shawn broke them out of the trance with a clap of his hands, "Now we know where they're keeping Gilda. And, as an added bonus, we know the layout and a back way into the building they're taking her to. All we gotta do is bust that bird out of her cage and we'll have our ticket to The Shadow's lair."
"I be hatin' to be the downer 'ere... but the buildin' they be takin' 'er to is executor Grizzly's 'eadquarters." Wavedancer cut in.
"Who's Grizzly again?" Shawn questioned, "Is he a talking bear? And if he is, is the he cute, tiny kind with stomach pictures or the large, claw-y kind with a bad temper?"
"What? Bears don't have cutie marks, silly." Pinkie interrupted her own monologue to float down by Shawn's head.
"First of all, I said 'stomach picture', not 'cutie mark', and second of all, you didn't answer my question... are we talking cute and cuddly bear, or mean and murder-y bear?"
"Neither!" Wavedancer shouted, her dreadlocks whipping about as stomped in frustration with her front hooves, "Grizzly's a diamond dog, an' general Rex's second-in-command. 'e's a right mean bugger that does all the dity-work for 'is boss. Actually, some even think 'e does most o' th'dirty-work for 'imself."
"So... not cute and cuddly?"
Wavedancer and Soft Speech both shook their heads.
"Damn it." Shawn sighed and scratched at his increasingly scruffy chin, thinking. At this rate, he was going to have a really epic beard by the time he got to go home, "Okay, guys. I need a minute to confer with my mystic channel and see if we can enlist some spiritual cavalry for this one. It has to be in private, though, or you'll throw off my groove."
Both Cauldronites cocked their heads curiously but complied, the sea-mare looking slightly regretful as they trudged deeper into the woods to give him and Pinkie space.
"Okay, we've got a problem." he started as soon as the two were out of earshot.
"I'll say!" Pinkie piped in, "I haven't had any sugar in almost four hours! At this rate, my stomach'll implode and create a rift in space-time that'll send us all careening into an alternate reality where we're all guys!"
"Okay, that's a little scary, mostly because I can't always tell when you're being serious." Shawn took back control of the conversation before Pinkie further derailed it, "We're going to need backup for this one, and I'm pretty sure we've lost your friends."
"No, that can't be right. Twilight was tracking us, and she's the most bestest, powerful-est, and esty-est unicorn in all of Equestria!"
"Then why didn't they show up when that dog nearly took my head off with that spear!?"
Pinkie paused, thinking, "Maybe they didn't think it was gonna hit you?"
"No way. Twilight's not the type to take a chance like that and you know it." Shawn waited for her to nod and continued, "Someone or something's blocking us from getting found, and it's not Twilight anymore. Which leaves only one other person I can think of that's got the means and motivation to do it."
"Twilight's evil twin?"
"Th-... wait... she has an evil twin?"
"I dunno. Maybe? It sounded right."
Shawn sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "The Shadow." he finished.
"But why would The Shadow want to stop others from finding us? And why does it even know we're around?"
"Well," Shawn grimaced, "seeing as we're not dead or captured yet, I'm guessing it caught wind of the story I've been telling everyone of wanting to work for it. And considering what those goons told us, I'm also guessing either The Shadow or one of its captains is Grizzly's mystery buyer. They're the only ones that would have a reason to want Gilda behind bars so much that they'd offer a small fortune for her."
"Hmmmm..." Pinkie floated, holding a hoof to her chin and wearing an expression that was obviously meant to portray deep thought, "So we're about to head into the guard-infested lair of a major villain, where an even more major villain may or may not be trying to buy the griffon we're trying to rescue, while possibly helping us at the same time for reasons we can't currently fathom, all without any back-up or plan?"
"Yup. And you know what I just realized?"
"What?"
"I think that totally qualifies us as superheroes."
"But... you don't have any powers!"
"Neither did Batman!"
"Who's Batman?"
Shawn paused, "I'll let it go this one time, but only because you're from a dimension where he doesn't exist."
"Does that mean superheroes exist in your world for real!?" she squealed excitedly.
"In our hearts, Pinkie..." he patted his chest, "they exist in our hearts. Now let's go beat up some supervillains. Firstbump."
"Awesome!" Pinkie chirped, smiling widely as she touched her hoof to his hand.
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"So, not awesome." Shawn muttered as he and the rest of his group crouched just within the tree-line, watching the passing patrol of guards walk their route around yet another fortress on the North Shore.
There seemed to be no end to the patrols. Diamond dogs and earth-ponies stood guard on the ground, while griffons and pegasi flew lazy circles in the sky. The moment Shawn or any of the members of his party stepped out of cover, they'd all get caught. Forget trying to get to the back entrance the diamond dog had described... getting within a hundred feet of the place would be a miracle in and of itself.
Damn dog didn't tell me there'd be so many guards.
"So... any ideas, little lamb?" Soft Speech whispered from a few feet back. She couldn't get as close as him, her frame making her far too obvious while hiding behind a bush.
"We could fight our way through..."
There was a pause while Pinkie and Wavedancer, one to each side of him, directed incredulous looks his way.
"Yeah, okay... maybe we couldn't." Shawn admitted, grudgingly, and tried to think, "Maybe Surprise could lead them off?"
Wavedancer shook her head, "From what I 'eard, these guards're well-trained. Some filly makin' a racket'll only pull one or two o' them away. It'd have to be somethin' truly fightenin' or dangerous to get 'em all to move."
Which, Shawn reflected, they had. But he wasn't about to put Soft Speech in a situation like that again if he could help it.
Hmmm... what would Batman do? he asked himself.
The thought sparked an epiphany, and a scenario began to develop in his mind. Then he had to discard it in its entirety when he realized that he had neither smoke-bombs, nor a grappling hook, nor mad ninja skills.
Let's see. What do I have on me?
He checked his pockets, removing the contents and placing them on the ground in front of him one by one. Keys, lint, iphone, more lint, that pebble he'd thrown at Celestia, an uneaten starburst-
How long's that been in there!?
It was a wonder the candy hadn't melted in his pocket. Or that he'd somehow managed to transfer it from his jeans-pocket to his current one without noticing. A light breeze played over his hand, and was followed by the sounds of chewing. Pinkie had managed to swipe it and shove it in her mouth, wrapper and all, while he'd been lost in thought.
"Mmmmm! Juicy!"
"Hey!" Shawn exclaimed, quietly, "I was saving that for later!"
Pinkie swallowed and narrowed her eyes at him, "You said you didn't have any more snacks, but you were holding out on us the whole time!" she accused.
"Ugh." he sighed, "I suppose I should be glad you haven't eaten my... phone..."
The idea struck him like a bolt of lightning. He might lose the precious electronic gadget in the process, but if he played his cards just right, they might create a distraction just big enough to get them into the building unnoticed. He shoved everything but the iphone back into his pockets and smiled.
"Alright, gang, I know just how to get us in there, but we'll need to do some pre-prep-... pre-parap-...."
"Pre-preparing?" Pinkie chirped.
"Yes. Let's go."
Shawn and the two mares awkwardly shuffled backward away from the bush they'd been using as cover.
----------------------------------------------------
Twilight put down the telescpoe, shoving it back into her saddlebag with less ceremony than she usually reserved for the treasured trinket.
"There are city-guards crawling all over that place. Are you sure this is it?" the captain sharing a hill with her asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure." Twilight responded.
Her horn glowed with magical energies, gently tugging at her head in the direction of the impressive fortress on the North shore. The griffons really loved their fortresses, she'd come to realize.
They've certainly built enough of them.
"I hope you're right about that minotaur following Shawn." Aegis continued. He didn't give her the impression that he was questioning her logic. More like he was trying to review it from multiple perspectives. Captain Aegis, she reflected, was a surprisingly thorough pony considering his quick temper and gruff manner.
Twilight paused, remembering the conversation she'd shared with her friends after their encounter with general Rex. To be fair, it had actually been Rainbow Dash who had noticed the absence of the minotaur Aegis had been questioning. The pegasus had always had an affinity for other species, and had probably wanted to talk to... Soft Speech. That had been her name. Soft Speech.
After they'd resolved to find out more about her, a few chats with some of the regular patrons and several bits spent on drinks had yielded the same result for her, Applejack, and Rarity... Shawn and Pinkie had spent some alone-time with Soft Speech the very day Twilight and her friends had arrived.
They'd come to the conclusion, together, that there was a decent chance the minotaur knew where Shawn and Pinkie had gone. After that, it had only been a matter of Twilight casting the right locator spell and following its trail. Twilight had been very proud of her friends and their deduction, and had immediately brought it up with Aegis when the locator spell worked on her first attempt.
"Shawn'd be proud." Twilight muttered and smiled.
Applejack chuckled beside her, "Really? Ah get the feelin' he'd be jealous, what with you stealin' his thunder an' all."
Twilight thought that over for a second and her smile became a wry grin, "Let's say both, then."
The two of them laughed while Aegis rolled his eyes.
"So, what do you suppose Mr. Spencer is even doing in there? If he is there..." Rarity spoke up from behind them, where she'd been keeping Fluttershy company.
"I have no idea," Twilight admitted casually. In the past, she would have had to drag those words out of herself. However, one either got used to saying that around the human, or went insane. And she was pretty sure she wasn't insane. Yet.
"So, what's our plan, Miss Sparkle?" Aegis cut in, "I'm not sure we have enough guards to take this place by force. Nor do I think the princess would approve such an action."
"Well... if there's one thing we know for sure about Shawn, is that things don't stay quiet for very long when he's around." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof and blew a stray strand of mane away from her eyes, "So, I guess we wait. And if something happens, we charge in."
"Assumin' this place don't explode, too..." Applejack grumbled.
"Aw, come on, guys." Rainbow Dash chuckled from her perch on a nearby tree, "He's only done that twice so far."
"He's only been to three places, Dash!" AJ challenged, and received only a shrug from Rainbow in response.
The farmer huffed and took a seat on the grass.
"I'll have the lieutenant get the rest of the guards into position in case we need to move in." Aegis grunted and walked off.
For her part, Twilight resisted the urge to keep scanning the grounds with the telescope. She knew there was something important going on in that place for it to have so many guards. It was entirely possible that Shawn had even found The Shadow... although she thought it was unlikely. He wouldn't try to take the monster on by himself if that were the case.
Right...?
With a nervous groan, she settled down to wait.
----------------------------------------------------
A cream-colored, red maned pony in a snazzy suit shuffled nervously down the stone hallway, accompanied by two large, armored diamond dogs. He really wished they'd at least given him some of the pony guards he'd seen patrolling the grounds outside. However, the lieutenant out front had, with apparent delight, assigned him the two gruffest, most terrifying examples of the species as 'escorts'.
He sighed mournfully, keeping his eyes ahead and his mind on the prize.
The guarddogs led him to a large door reinforced with iron, which opened into a large office almost resembling a throne room in its opulence. The small throne sitting behind the desk lent credence to the theories he'd heard that Grizzly had ambitions that went beyond mere second-in-command.
The pony's hooves thudded softly on the lush, red carpeting that covered the floors, and there was such a wide assortment of paintings, draperies, and tapestries that he almost didn't notice the diamond dogs standing silent watch by the walls. Unlike his two escorts, each of these dogs was completely enfolded, except for the paws, in blood-red robes beneath a steel cuirass, greaves, and vambraces. They carried huge, curved swords strapped to their backs rather than spears, and wore hoods and veils that exposed only their eyes.
All in all, they were rather intimidating. Though not as much as the massive, muscular, wolf-like diamond dog leaning casually on an iron cage containing a rather scrawny-looking griffon hen. Gilda glared balefully at him, obviously recognizing her dad's assistant, and the red-maned pony got the distinct impression she wanted to tear him a new-
"Smartypony!" Grizzly shouted in greeting, "Been a long time since you dropped by!"
He sighed, "I've told you a dozen times, my name is-"
"I'll call you whatever I want." Grizzly snarled, suddenly serious, "Now, I'm guessin' you ain't workin' for Patrius anymore. He definitely doesn't have the bits to pay what you said."
"Half right." the smartypony responded, "But that's irrelevant. What is relevant is that I've got a banker's note on me worth all the bits you were promised, so long as I'm still around when you try to cash it. Now, are you ready to talk business?"
Executor Grizzly grinned toothily, "Now that's what I like to hear. Step on up to my desk."
Another sigh, and the earth pony shuffled forward past a pair of torches rising from the floor. For a moment, his shadow flickered, and seemed to laugh.
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Haha! Yet another long-awaited chapter out on schedule!
Adjusted schedule!
Right... as always: Enjoy, rate, and review! At least, assuming the site isn't still too wonky for you to do that.
With regards,
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-foul-demon.gif
NEWCHAPTEROMGASAKDJSDBSDH
I feel like nightmare moon in that gif ^ TOO MUCH AWESOME
"sublimated" bodies? Since that section was from Shawn's point of view, I have to assume that that was one of his... unique... word choices, though I have no idea what he actually meant.
Also:
"Who's Batman?"
Shawn paused, "I'll let it go this one time, but only because you're from a dimension where he doesn't exist."
"Does that mean superheroes exist in your world for real!?" she squealed excitedly.
"In our hearts, Pinkie..." he patted his chest, "they exist in our hearts. Now let's go beat up some supervillains. Firstbump."
"Awesome!"
was an excellent exchange.
I love Psych, so I've gotta read this. I've just gotta say, though: I had no idea this was a Psych crossover until I actually read through the description. Then I had to read the first sentence again to notice it was talking about Shawn. No offense intended to the artist, but I think you need a new cover image.
So much win
This guy makes Pinkie Pie confused, that's something you don't see everyday.
Very nice chapter, love how Shawn turned up the psychiness a notch
Also like how you fleshed out why minotaurs talk in the third person, touching scene if you ask me.
Can't wait to see how Shawn gets the guards to abandon their posts.
I'm personally hoping for phantom dragons projected from Shawns phone
And congrats on keepin up with your schedule, i know that can be very difficult
*GASP* psych mlp crossover!!!!!!!!! must rewad NAOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INSTA-FAVED!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet! Pinkie's stomach is a portal to a rule 63 universe!... Hmm... What would pinkie be like male? Is there a rule 63 fic out there? I'm sure there is... In fact, wasn't there one about apple bloom that was featured not too long ago? Is there one with rule 63 interaction? Am I completely going off topic here? I need answers!
Am I the only one who saw the inglorious bastards scene?
Great chapter though!
I shouted when I saw this. Now the neighbours are looking at my house like
927792
Yay! Someone noticed!
927860
How could i not!?
Loved that movie, and I loved how you incorporated it into your story.
927273 you are the Nightmare! We are the D! We will defeat you! With harmony!
Yay, another grat chapter.
927792
Someone else caught that I see. Awesome...
Still loads of fun to read.
I noticed you like to use dialog to interrupt the narration a few times this chapter, and it's not a problem but I found its use as joke delivery to grow a tiny bit stale toward the end. Again, not a detriment to the story in any way, just something I thought I'd mention.
"Aw, come on, guys." Rainbow Dash chuckled from her perch on a nearby tree, "He's only done that twice so far."
"He's only been to three places, Dash!" AJ challenged Absolutely fantastic.
930857
Huh... you know, I hadn't even noticed that. Thanks for pointing it out!
That's my biggest issue when writing a comedy of any sort... I'm utterly terrified of overusing jokes, and I can't always tell when something goes from being funny to getting old. So, it's nice when people point it out before things start getting too out of hand.
931525
Wow. I thought I was going to be the only one who understood that reference!
Brofist?
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/026/763/125319457521.png
Haven't seen Phsyche, but this story makes me want to. Seriously though, that cover art, what were you thinking? I almost didn't read because of it, but I am glad that I did.
What would Batman do? he asked himself.
That sounds like something Hank Venture would say.
Okay, Invictus, I'm probably not the first to ask this, but why are all the diamond dog names Turkish?
1324230
Well, I chose it as their native tongue. It's partially because of that whole bit about Shawn's translation spell choosing earth-analogues for non-modern Equestrian languages (the way Ancient Equestrian looks/sounds like Latin to him)... and it's partially because I wanted the Diamond Dogs to have their own distinct language/culture, but didn't have the time to try to make up my own language for them.
As for why Turkish instead of something else? I liked the way it looked...
nice!
Did you name her Soft Speech just so you could slip a reference to Teddy Roosevelt in there?
Yaknow, I was kind of hoping it wouldn't be Gilda, but ah well. I gotta say, the minotaur-based world-building in this story is really fantastic.
4641976
oh my god
Should be "telescope".