Stranger Than Fiction

by Not Enough Coffee

Shadow of the Waifu - Orchid - [Comedy, Random, Second Person]

Author's Note:

For those who don't know who Orchid is:

(Art by Alloyrabbit).

I love kaiju's. I love Shadow of the Colossus. I love shitposts. Here is a combination of the three.

I am working on some actual new stories aside from this anthology, so hopefully you guys are willing to give me the time to get them done. Life has been better, but I am trying to keep myself working hard on what I enjoy doing.

Perhaps this can hold you over?

You stood tall, wrapping a headband around your, well, head. This was going to be the toughest challenge of your life, but it was in the name of your biggest obsession.

Down the block from you was Orchid, the defender of humanity! And you have a humongous crush on her! You could feel the butterflies do loop de loops in your tum tum as you stared upon her perfect, bioluminescent form. The way her hair bangs flowed around her round, glowing orbs, the way her body curved sublimely in all the right places... It sent shivers down your spine.

But, she was a kaiju, and you were a puny little human; you were the size of an ant to her. Getting her attention, what you sought most in this cruel world, was gonna be your own personal olympics.

But… You were ready. You brought your climbing gloves, padded perfectly to cling to rough surfaces. Her protective skin would not give you the slip, and instead you were gonna become the first human to play rodeo with a kaiju. A feat for the history books, if you do say so yourself.

You saw her lean down to the side, her interest clearly drawn towards ground level. This was your chance to strike!

You ran like you’ve never ran before, and as your breath began to draw in quicker and quicker as you picked up the pace, you realized it was a bad time to be out of shape. But nonetheless, pure will power, and a layer of donut induced pudge, gave you the energy to push on.

You were close now, her upper foreleg only a dozen feet away from your clingy, clammy hands. Gulping down your inner reason, you jumped for what felt like the first time in years. And as you grabbed hold of her fur, you realized how much you don’t jump as an adult, and somehow that depressed you.

No time to dwell on the matter, now was the time for action, and you prayed your years of playing Assassin's Creed was gonna pay off. But as she began to rise, the wind washing over you like a tsunami, you realized you may have made an egregious mistake. You hung on for dear life, definitely not screaming like a little bitch on the way up.

As she rose to full height, you felt your body slam against her rough surface, knocking the air out of you. You almost let go, but the fear of death from the fall kept you holding on. After a moment, you found your breath again. Taking it in, relishing its full splendor, you began inching your way up, one handful of fur after the other.

It was actually relatively easy enough, because the big pony girl was standing stationary. Perhaps you should thank how interesting space is, for staring into it might have saved your life and given you a chance to scale your giant crush in peace.

But God must have seen your momentary happiness, and told Orchid to get a move on, because she began to make a slow trot down the busy city streets. Sometimes, when you think you have nice things, you realized it was merely the eye before the kaiju sized storm.

You were not given a moment to rest, each stride sending you flailing to and fro. Despite the extra grip your gloves lent you, you felt your hold on her loosening. Any moment now you were gonna lose it, and it was gonna be the end of little ol’ Anon. A short life, but one dedicated to what truly matters in the world. At least in your own personal opinion, which was the best opinion. Anyone who wouldn’t die for Orchid was simply not worth mentioning.

To your great fortune, one of many today, she came to an abrupt stop. To your misfortune, again, one of many today, you lost your grip. Instead of plummeting to the ground below, much like a little kid without a seatbelt in a car hitting the breaks, you were sent flying.

In your blurry vision, you saw something flowing, and glowing within reach. As your adrenaline pounded your heart more than you did last night, you reached out with all your might, grabbing hold of something long and tubular. It was Orchid’s hair! And it just gave you another chance to get that which you desired the most. Not wasting another moment, you began to shift your way through the jungle of hair.

Your heart stopped. You felt something shifting through with you. Turning to the left, you saw her hoof combing through her scalp, making you realize you must have given her one hell of an itch. This was not good, and you needed to act fast.

Seeing her ear just a few feet from you, you pushed yourself up, grabbing hold of the edge of its fold. Just in time too, for if you tarried a moment longer, you would have been crushed under her colossal hoof. And despite liking big girls, being crushed was not your fetish.

“Phew…” You let out, wiping the sweat from your brow as you began to get a look at the city from your position. It was grand, truly something to behold. If you weren’t so scared shitless, you might have tried to take a picture.

Shaking your head, you refixed yourself on your current objective. You were right where you wanted to be, there was no way she would not notice you if you shouted into her ear.

Though, the wind began to swim past you again, the g force nearly sending you flying once more. She was taking another trot, though this time it felt more like a canter. Your head was forced to the side of her ear, having no choice but to look where she was heading.

Your heart skipped a beat. Before you, just a few moments away, was the bay. She was gonna jump in, she was gonna do a cannonball, and you were going to lose your chance of a lifetime, as well as your life. Not much of a lifetime, you figured.

You had to do something, so you somehow willed your voice to the surface. “Orchid! Stop! Please! Can you hear me!?”

But her pace did not stop, before you could shout again, you found her preparing to jump. Though, as she was about to make the plunge, she stopped her pace.

Did she hear me?

You internally asked, but as you got a better look, you noticed that there was a traffic jam right where she was gonna plant her hooves down to jump. You were again spared a swift death. Though, before your brain got a hold of itself and tried to get your crush’s attention, she made her way up to the shore line, and began to sink below the surface.

You soon felt water rise up before you, and found yourself letting go. Despite how out of shape you were, you were actually quite the swimmer. So, you weren’t so worried about not being able to make it to shore. It wasn’t too far off anyway.

You were fucking pissed about missing your one oppertunity to get Orchid’s attention, though.

You slammed your fist into the ocean blue as you kept yourself afloat, watching as her form drifted below the waves.

“God dammit! You win this time, but we’ll see about the next! Mark my words!”

Comments

[Ice Star]

A dash of random fun. Though, about the author's note: wouldn't the plural of kaiju be kaiju? I suppose if you wanted to English-ify it kaijus would be serviceable, but Grammarly hates it and as someone who knows some basic Japanese, seeing 'kaiju's' is odd.

Orchid is a cutie pie, though. I like how her name is misleading in a way. She is neither small nor delicate.

[Not Enough Coffee]

10136399
Technically, that is correct. Put both back to back and it gets muddled, like a lot of English rules.

Though, Orchid is a lovely, innocent protector of the peace! Even if her large frame hinders some of her more delicate matters...

[Ice Star]

10136408
English is three languages in a trench coat. That's why.

[Not Enough Coffee]

10136413
True, through.

[Ice Star]

Moar

[Not Enough Coffee]

10523489
You actual read this? Nice.

[Ice Star]

10523541
I literally posted multiple comments on it in March.

[Not Enough Coffee]

10523557
I may be stupid.

[Ice Star]

10523569
May be?

[Steakthedog]

10136413
Eh more like 2+bits from everywhere else. French and German and then stealing stuff from whatever other languages it can get its grubby mitts on.

[Ice Star]

10620344
Latin and also the Vikings. Shit, that's four.

[Steakthedog]

10620386
Oh no, of your going that way you have to add hundreds of pre Latin languages. NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

[Ice Star]

10620388
LET'S GOOOOOOO BROOOOO

[Steakthedog]

10620390
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU ADD AT LEAST TWENTY LANGUAGES MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON‘T!

[Ice Star]

10620396
Add them all, stick them all upon the language pile. Language for the language gods, let Babel live once more!

[Steakthedog]

10620403
Then I have only one choice:
BLLOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!
MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES!!
YOU SHALL DIE!!

[Ice Star]

10620409
Bro this is the outcome I wanted. I have played you like a video game this whole time.

:pogchamp:

[Steakthedog]

10620410
Ah but that was a diversion while I brought a DS-02-B with four Stellar Converters, and Stellar Converters are planet killers alone, I have four. GG.

[Ice Star]

10620427
I will break into your house and steal all your doorknobs.

[Steakthedog]

10620430
Do du know where it is?

[Ice Star]

10620550
Yeah, your mom usually lets me in. 👉👉

[Steakthedog]

10620576
NOPE!She works all day as a real estate agent the stays in her room till supper. She don’t let people in.

[Ice Star]

10620813
Okay, heck you.

[Steakthedog]

10620858
Okay, all you planets die now. Did I mention that I have 16 DS-02-Bs?