Stranger Than Fiction

by Not Enough Coffee

"I Ern't Dis..." - Ultramare - [Comedy, Random, First Person]

Author's Note:

This story was originally written for an anthology put together by B_25 for NCMares birthday. I was asked to write a story based off one of his images, and so I chose this one here:

A link to a blog with an introduction by B-25.

I took a deep and deserved breath. Saving a city takes a lot out of a mare—especially a hard-working one like me. It’s not like these Kaiju are gonna kick their own butts, am I right? Sometimes I wonder what these citizens would ever do without me. Probably die, honestly.

Ah, well. At least I have my after-work lunch to look forward to. Now I play the waiting game.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Man, that building is shaped funny.

Even more waiting.

Okay, this sure is a lot of waiting. Ooo, that rock looks tasty.

Bleh, it wasn’t. But it was colourful. I thought that was candy rock. How dare rocks be colourful and not tasty!

Yup, I can say with a high degree of confidence that this waiting is going nowhere and so is my appetite.

I stretched my back, and I was rewarded with a satisfying pop in my lower lumbar. My god, nothing is more satisfying. Well, maybe not as satisfying as food. Taking another deep breath, and started to trot my way across the city. There had to be a truck carrying pony oats around here somewhere.

It was almost like the city was taunting me, cause there was nothing even remotely oat related in sight. And I’m a big mare, I can see all over the city if I stand upright. Are the humans mocking me purposely? How rude! I just saved their sorry butts! I should kick theirs next…

Okay, maybe not. Doctor Dad would get really upset if I did. Still, those tiny human butts were looking really kickable right about now.

Wait a moment, is that… YES. Yes, it is?

Just past the next block was a pony oat delivery truck with my name on it. Licking my lips, I continued my pace with gusto. Any moment now. Any mouth-watering moment now I would have my precious.

CRASH! BANG! KABOOM!

Suddenly, as if the heavens above wanted to mess with me right now, another kaiju just burst through the building to the right of me knocking me down to the ground.

Okay, that was it, I am gonna show this monster that now is not the time. Dodging its barrage of bites towards my face, I hooked him right in the side, knocking the air right out of him. Taking advantage of my time, I grabbed hold of his right pincer and ripped it clean off, blue, gooey blood splattering everywhere. There were screams, and I probably looked like some sort of savage, but to hell with it, I wanted to eat now and this guy got in my way. An unforgivable sin if I do say so myself.

I then took his severed pincer and shoved it as far as I could into his eye. I heard it scream a bloody agony, and it filled me with glee. I bucked my legs as hard as I could into his torso, launching him into the harbor. His body, and his screams, dropping below the waves.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, chow time!

I finally made my way over to the pony oats truck, the occupants long abandoning ship, and lifted it up to my teeth. I tore open the container, and got myself a mouthful of the succulent, mouth-watering pony oats.

A news helicopter hovered next to me, filming my lunch. Yet another news report on my constant battle for the cities safety.

I stared into their camera with annoyance. “I ern’t dis…”