• Published 10th Mar 2020
  • 18,663 Views, 415 Comments

Waxing - Some Dickhead



Anon is legally required to marry Luna. Neither are too happy about the situation.

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IV

Cadence fiddles with a recording crystal before setting it on the coffee table, a sapphire light thrumming off polished mahogany.

"Anonymous, right?"

"Yeah."

She looks up from her notes.

"So you're the alien that's been living with Twiley?"

"More or less."

"Huh."

She begins to write.

"When did you first meet Aunt Luna?"

"Three days ago."

"Where?"

"Sweaty Dan's Drinking Shack."

Real classy place.

"Was she disguised or anything?"

"In hindsight, barely."

"I'll take that as a yes. What did you both do together?"

"Drinking Shack."

"Beyond the obvious."

"We talked and had sex."

"What did you talk about?"

"A lot, politics and culture mainly. I'm surprised at how many parallels there are between human and pony history. You know Bone Apart the Necromancer? Well, his life story is pretty much just Nap - "

Cadence raises a hoof.

"Sorry, but this is getting off-track. Focus on your conversation with Luna. What was it like?"

"Well, we generally agreed on a lot of things, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't enjoyable. Heh, it was like Statler and Waldorf, both of us asshole curmudgeons."

She leans forward.

"Did you feel any special connection to her?"

"What does that even mean?"

"Love, lust, attraction … "

He shrugs.

"I dunno, not really? It was like talking to a good friend, I guess."

"How did you get from there to sex?"

"Alcohol, I'd assume. It's a bit of a leap, thinking back, but it seemed natural at the time."

"Right. How do you feel about the engagement?"

"Numb. It's just … I don't know. Half of me wants to try and make things work, half of me wants to line her up against a wall, and I end up in this neutral middle. To be totally honest, I don't know how to feel anymore, haven't since I've arrived in Equestria. Everything just becomes so confused and melds into this … meaningless grey sludge."

She looks him in the eyes.

"Are you alright? This sounds like something you should see a therapist about."

"It's fine, I'll get over it eventually."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Cadence purses her lips.

"Look, if you need help … "

"I appreciate the concern, but I can do it alone. Is there anything else?"

She places her notes on an accent table.

"I guess that's it for now. Can you get Aunt Luna?"

"Sure."

Anon stands up and leaves, the pony-sized couch audibly relieved to get rid of him. It's a horribly gaudy little thing, some Second Empire monstrosity that had been rightfully relegated to one of the tertiary drawing rooms. The room itself is a hodgepodge of leftover gifts from social climbers and diplomats, and lies tucked away in some overlooked corner. It is thus the perfect place for more sensitive discussions—few even know that it's there, and none of its furnishings will be missed if things turn violent.

A muffled argument flows in from the hallway.

"Your turn, Moonhorse."

"I still don't know why you were so keen on going first, Rape Ape. Are you trying to lie to my niece, make yourself look good?"

"Do you ever shut up?"

"For you? Never."

"Not very regal of you, Princess."

Luna huffs before sauntering in, stately posture betrayed by a grimace.

"As if a beast like you would know a thing about regality."

She slams the door.

"Niece Cadence."

"Aunt Luna."

Cadence wonders if she should hug her, but decides to stay put. No sense in prodding a hornets' nest, after all.

"So, this is certainly an … interesting situation."

"If one wishes to put it diplomatically, yes. I myself would prefer to use stronger language."

Luna sits down on the couch.

"Can you refrain, for my sake?"

"I'll try."

"Better than nothing, I suppose. What do you think of Anonymous?"

"Had I not been put in this situation, I reason we could have been close friends. As things stand, I would like to throw him off a very tall building."

"Why?"

"Emotions are unreasonable. I know that I put myself in this situation, but that doesn't stop me from being angry at him."

"Well, how do you feel about the engagement itself?"

"Furious."

"Care to elaborate?"

"I am being forced to marry somepony I met three days ago, what more needs to be said?"

"Just humor me."

"Fine. I am still recovering from my exile, striving to understand this new era and meaningfully connect with those that live in it. I haven't the time, nor the energy, for love."

"That sounds pretty rehearsed."

"I know how I feel, Niece."

"Aunt Luna … "

"No offense to you, but I have never needed romance. It is little more than a parasite that weakens your spirit and distracts you from what is important. I need only myself to be happy, and to be forced into a relationship is an indignity beyond compare."

"Look, what you just said is something I'd expect to hear from some cheesy comic book villain. How do you actually feel about love?"

Luna stands up.

"I have no interest in something so … fleeting."

Airy chimes signal her departure, the door encased in a cerulean aura.

"Good day, Niece."

Hoofsteps grow softer as Luna buggers off to do moon stuff or something.


-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-


Celestia rests on a copse of tyrian pillows, bolts of afternoon sunlight piercing through layers of cloud and casting her study in a rich orange glow. She lazily sips on some tea as she drinks in the warmth of a sandstone fireplace, where fronds of magical fire dance on enchanted logs. This is a daily ritual for her, an inviolable hour away from governance that keeps her from throwing the planet into the Sun.

Three thumps, followed by a yelp.

"Come in, Cadie."

It's a special knock between the two. Much like that embarrassing sunshine dance, the ritual is a habit of affection, performed without any consideration for appearances. There is an undeniable innocence about it, and from that innocence one can gleam the familial love that flows between them.

"I want to talk about Luna's engagement, Auntie."

Celestia turns to her, beaming smile illuminated by rippling flames.

"Isn't it wonderful?"

Cadence gulps.

"Actually, from what I've heard, it's, um, more complicated than that."

"How so?"

"You know that weird virginity law?"

"Unfortunately."

"Aunt Luna and Anonymous … well, I don't really know how to put this."

Celestia laughs.

"Cadie, I'm well aware of the circumstances—Twilight sent a very, very thorough report."

"Then how are you so happy about this? It's an absolute dumpster fire."

Celestia rises from her pillows and beckons Cadence with a wing.

"My sister has lived for 3,000 years, and in that time she has proven herself to be the single biggest prude I've ever met. That Luna even had relations with Anonymous is a miracle, and tells me that, for all her posturing, she desperately wants to love somepony, whether she knows it or not."

They walk towards the window.

"That's all well and good Auntie, but I just think you're being too optimistic. Both are going through a lot right now, we can't just hoist a marriage upon them and expect a happily ever after."

Celestia surveys her doman, resting a foreleg on Cadence's withers.

"It is because they have problems that this marriage is a good thing. They are alienated from the world around them, and let their troubles fester by refusing the help of others. As the saying goes, no mare is an island, and they will thus learn to lean on each other. Besides, it's not as if we can stop it: the law is the law, after all."

"So you think this will help them."

"I know it will. They will be happier together than they are alone."

Celestia turns, returning to her pile.

"And it is our job to help them realize this."

Author's Note:

Getting to the meat of the story.