• Published 1st Mar 2020
  • 5,854 Views, 49 Comments

Pizza Pie, Something Something, Amore - Uh-hmmm



Can you put a price on happiness? What are you willing to risk to find true love? What is that alien doing over there with all those pizza boxes? (RGRE) {This story has two versions, the last chapter is the first person version.}

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First Person Version

I am Anon, walking home with a box of pizza under my arm. It was a long day of work at the store, but now I have the entire evening to relax. As I turn on to my home street, I spy a wooden table piled high with pizza boxes. Behind it is one of those aliens, colored like a Lisa Frank folder. As I approach, the alien catches sight of me and waves a hoof. I wave back, a little uneasy.

The news is kinda contradictory about them. At first, CNN and the like praised them for having a matriarchal society, but once more mares came over and started talking, Twitter erupted in feminist outrage about internalized misogyny, and the major networks soon followed. Meanwhile Fox ran daily segments on how the alien culture was infiltrating the polyamorous and academic communities. They said that herding is unsustainable for humans, as it is predicated upon unequal gender ratios.

"Hi! Wanna find your true love?"

I blink, finding myself just a few feet from the table. The alien mare is smiling up at me. I glance at the pizza boxes on the table.

"Is it you or something?"

She shakes her head.

"Definitely or something, I already have a husband. No, I am here to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime! For the low cost of a slice of peetzer, I will divine just who you are meant for!"

...

This is dumb. Aliens are dumb. Maybe she's trying to do some mail order bride thing? Or just scamming passersby for pizza? You know what, I can respect the hustle. It's only one slice, after all. I retrieve a slice pizza from my box and hand it to her. She opens one of the boxes and levitates my slice inside, a pale blue aura moving everything. It's kind of neat to see "magic" in person. The alien hums, swaying back and forth.

Her eyes shine with that same pale blue light, and her wings extend and tremble. It reminds me of a bird's mating dance, but that can't be it, can it? Abruptly, she stops glowing and moving. She starts making dial up noises, then printer noises. From thin air, two pieces of paper appear on the table. They seem to be some sort of registration form? Name, occupation, hobbies, etc. On one, the picture is of a "Sarah McNair", a slightly pudgy but cute redhead in a hoodie. The other is of a mare named "Moondancer" with butter yellow fur, glasses, and a comfy looking sweater. Cute enough, I guess.

"So, are these from a dating website or something?"

The alien rolls her eyes.

"Of course not. It's love magic, pure and simple."

I decide not to call her on the obvious lie. Looking back at the papers, I can't find any sort of contact information.

"So, what's the point of having these if there isn't any way for me to get in contact with them?"

The alien takes a crystal ball out of nowhere and thunks it down on the table.

"Scrype calling costs an additional slice of pizza, but is guaranteed to cross dimensions and reach all parties at a time that is convenient to them!"

I look blankly at the mare. She grins, hooves waving mystically around the crystal ball.

Fuck it. I give her another slice. The crystal ball begins to glow, and the alien makes beep and boop noises. Abruptly, the ball projects two windows into the air in front of me, one showing Sarah brushing her teeth, wearing pink pajamas, the other showing Moondancer brushing her mane. I honestly didn't expect it to work.

"Uh, hi?"

Sarah squeaks, dropping her toothbrush and spitting out the toothpaste. Moondancer's eyes go wide.

"Is this Scrype matchmaking?"

I scratch my cheek.

"I guess?"

Moondancer starts hyperventilating. I raise my eyebrows.

"Uh, no pressure. Pretty sure this is a pizza scam or something."

Sarah wipes her mouth and tilts her head.

"Pizza scam?"

"Yeah, the alien that set this up is doing everything in exchange for pizza."

Moondancer gasps.

"Princess Cadence! Thank you, your majesty!"

Sarah seems just as confused as I am. Meanwhile Princess Cadance(?) nods graciously.

"You are quite welcome, my little pony."

Sarah clears her throat.

"So, ah, what's going on here?"

I shrug.

"Ostensibly, we are all soulmates or something. I'm pretty sure this is just the pony equivalent to a dating site."

Sarah frowns.

"But I didn't sign up for anything? I mean, I'm not objecting, you are pretty handsome, and oh gosh I should just stop talking."

She covers her face with her hands, but I can still see her blush around the edges. I grin.

"You're pretty cute too, so maybe they're on to something. What do you think, Moondancer?"

The mare swallows nervously.

"My body is ready. I mean, uh, as Alpha mare, I will treasure you both, you and your long, hot foalchasing legs."

I blink at her.

"Foalchasing legs?"

Moondancer begins to blush.

"Yes."

Cadance coughs.

"If you would like to continue the call in private, I will be glad to sell you the scryping crystal for the rest of your pizza, Anon."

I glance at my pizza, then at the cute, easily flustered girl and pony.

"Half of my pizza."

Cadance makes a whining sound, then hangs her head in defeat.

"Fine, half of your pizza."


As I walk away with my new crystal ball, I look over the papers.

"So, uh, how does an anime night sound? I need to catch up on this season."

Sarah grins.

"I'm down for that."

Moondancer rubs her chin.

"Can we start with interspecies reviewers? For some reason, I can't get that on the horsenet."

I shrug.

"Fine by me, I haven't seen it."

Sarah blushes.

"Should we watch the censored version or..."

I raise my eyebrows.

"Uh, whichever you are-"

"Uncensored! I mean, if you have it. And don't mind."

Moondancer grins nervously. Sarah turns nearly as red as her hair.

"I do have the uncensored version, so, yeah. I guess we're doing this."

I had my doubts about that pizza pony, but maybe she was right. I will just have to find out.

Comments ( 28 )

One of the goofier pizza stories I have seen in a while. Interesting layout.

Those poor ponies with a food shortage what’s the world coming to

10110481
Forget the food and stallion shortage, they have an anime shortage!

... If only it were that easy to find love...

Good stuff but.I can't tell the difference between the two versions.

That said Cadence should've screwed him for not giving the whole pizza.

1011062
It's the POV pronouns. Some folk don't like reading something in the second person

Alas, if only...

Now I need to see the rest of the world. Imagine, RGRE Equestria meets Earth.

Just looking at the story image is giving me stomach aches. Is this what it's like to be Twilight?

I'm craving pizza now

This was purely enjoyable all the way around! Both perspectives were amazing, the story was so short and sweet, ahh you did amazing! I hope ya don't mind, but I had to make a video on this!

Audio Linky: https://youtu.be/sXqwPCF11fo

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment!)

Can´t help it, foalchasing legs makes me smile every time.

Is it good or bad that Interspecies Reviewers hasn't done a centaur episode yet? 🤔

> InB4 horsepussy

10112078
There's a review on centaurs in the manga.

Huh, never pegged Moondancer for an “alpha mare”. It’s always the quiet ones.

Why is it that Cadance goes so naturally with stories about pizza?

10112799
Who else would be the Pretty Pink Princess Pizza Pony?

Your story made me order pizza.

I enjoyed both.

Is Interspecies Reviewers a different fanfic or an actual anime?

Short and fun!:twilightsmile:

As much as a longer continuation would be interesting and funny, it's probably for the best that this stays this short.

I haven’t read this yet, but I’m giving it a thumbs up anyway because of the cover art.

You missed a "you" or two in the first-person version. Other than that, cute!

10323142
Fixed (hopefully) and thanks!

I’m guessing Sarah and Moondancer are alternate versions of eachother

Seems more like a story prompt than an actual story, but well done for that.

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