• Published 1st Mar 2020
  • 5,854 Views, 49 Comments

Pizza Pie, Something Something, Amore - Uh-hmmm



Can you put a price on happiness? What are you willing to risk to find true love? What is that alien doing over there with all those pizza boxes? (RGRE) {This story has two versions, the last chapter is the first person version.}

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Second Person Version

You are Anon, walking home with a box of pizza under your arm. It was a long day of work at the store, but now you have the entire evening to relax. As you turn on to your home street, you spy a wooden table piled high with pizza boxes. Behind it is one of those aliens, colored like a Lisa Frank folder. As you approach, the alien catches sight of you and waves a hoof. You wave back, a little uneasy.

The news is kinda contradictory about them. At first, CNN and the like praised them for having a matriarchal society, but once more mares came over and started talking Twitter erupted in feminist outrage about internalized misogyny, and the major networks soon followed. Meanwhile Fox ran daily segments on how the alien culture was infiltrating the polyamorous and academic communities. They said that herding is unsustainable for humans, as it is predicated upon unequal gender ratios.

"Hi! Wanna find your true love?"

You blink, finding yourself just a few feet from the table. The alien mare is smiling up at you. You glance at the pizza boxes on the table.

"Is it you or something?"

She shakes her head.

"Definitely or something, I already have a husband. No, I am here to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime! For the low cost of a slice of peetzer, I will divine just who you are meant for!"

...

This is dumb. Aliens are dumb. Maybe she's trying to do some mail order bride thing? Or just scamming passersby for pizza? You know what, you can respect the hustle. It's only one slice, after all. You retrieve a slice pizza from your box and hand it to her. She opens one of the boxes and levitates your slice inside, a pale blue aura moving everything. It's kind of neat to see "magic" in person. The alien hums, swaying back and forth.

Her eyes shine with that same pale blue light, and her wings extend and tremble. It reminds you of a bird's mating dance, but that can't be it, can it? Abruptly, she stops glowing and moving. She starts making dial up noises, then printer noises. From thin air, two pieces of paper appear on the table. They seem to be some sort of registration form? Name, occupation, hobbies, etc. On one, the picture is of a "Sarah McNair", a slightly pudgy but cute redhead in a hoodie. The other is of a mare named "Moondancer" with butter yellow fur, glasses, and a comfy looking sweater. Cute enough, you guess.

"So, are these from a dating website or something?"

The alien rolls her eyes.

"Of course not. It's love magic, pure and simple."

You decide not to call her on the obvious lie. Looking back at the papers, you can't find any sort of contact information.

"So, what's the point of having these if there isn't any way for me to get in contact with them?"

The alien takes a crystal ball out of nowhere and thunks it down on the table.

"Scrype calling costs an additional slice of pizza, but is guaranteed to cross dimensions and reach all parties at a time that is convenient to them!"

You look blankly at the mare. She grins, hooves waving mystically around the crystal ball.

Fuck it. You give her another slice. The crystal ball begins to glow, and the alien makes beep and boop noises. Abruptly, the ball projects two windows into the air in front of you, one showing Sarah brushing her teeth, wearing pink pajamas, the other showing Moondancer brushing her mane. You honestly didn't expect it to work.

"Uh, hi?"

Sarah squeaks, dropping her toothbrush and spitting out the toothpaste. Moondancer's eyes go wide.

"Is this Scrype matchmaking?"

You scratch your cheek.

"I guess?"

Moondancer starts hyperventilating. You raise your eyebrows.

"Uh, no pressure. Pretty sure this is a pizza scam or something."

Sarah wipes her mouth and tilts her head.

"Pizza scam?"

"Yeah, the alien that set this up is doing everything in exchange for pizza."

Moondancer gasps.

"Princess Cadence! Thank you, your majesty!"

Sarah seems just as confused as you are. Meanwhile Princess Cadance(?) nods graciously.

"You are quite welcome, my little pony."

Sarah clears her throat.

"So, ah, what's going on here?"

You shrug.

"Ostensibly, we are all soulmates or something. I'm pretty sure this is just the pony equivalent to a dating site."

Sarah frowns.

"But I didn't sign up for anything? I mean, I'm not objecting, you are pretty handsome, and oh gosh I should just stop talking."

She covers her face with her hands, but you can still see her blush around the edges. You grin.

"You're pretty cute too, so maybe they're on to something. What do you think, Moondancer?"

The mare swallows nervously.

"My body is ready. I mean, uh, as Alpha mare, I will treasure you both, you and your long, hot foalchasing legs."

You blink at her.

"Foalchasing legs?"

Moondancer begins to blush.

"Yes."

Cadance coughs.

"If you would like to continue the call in private, I will be glad to sell you the scryping crystal for the rest of your pizza, Anon."

You glance at your pizza, then at the cute, easily flustered girl and pony.

"Half of my pizza."

Cadance makes a whining sound, then hangs her head in defeat.

"Fine, half of your pizza."


As you walk away with your new crystal ball, you look over the papers.

"So, uh, how does an anime night sound? I need to catch up on this season."

Sarah grins.

"I'm down for that."

Moondancer rubs her chin.

"Can we start with interspecies reviewers? For some reason, I can't get that on the horsenet."

You shrug.

"Fine by me, I haven't seen it."

Sarah blushes.

"Should we watch the censored version or..."

You raise your eyebrows.

"Uh, whichever you are-"

"Uncensored! I mean, if you have it. And don't mind."

Moondancer grins nervously. Sarah turns nearly as red as her hair.

"I do have the uncensored version, so, yeah. I guess we're doing this."

You had your doubts about that pizza pony, but maybe she was right. You will just have to find out.