Dean Yarlo, a simple teenage boy, stumbles upon a mysterious find in the woods after his parents kick him out of the house. What happens next changes his life...
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Half credit to "john544" for being an awesome brony and helping me get over the trolls making fun of my other story...If it hadn't been for him this would not exist right now SO THANK HIM PEOPLE! :D
Edit: Changed Cover Photo
Chapters (15)
Please tell me if you see any typo's or things that don't make sense at all. I am really new at this stuff.
Seems legit. Some comma's here and there would so some wonders though.
Capitalization!
There's some sentences that need to be capitalized and i's always need to be I.
And I come in. Read- BOOM. Shipping. I don't have anything against shipping. When it's done right it's great (but no clop
). But immediately is usually a no-no.
-This is coming across as mean and as "I hated it"
This is not necessarily so. HiE fics are just so hard to get right, and this looks like it could make it work, if you get the rough edges smoothed out.
Watching-Faved-and liked.
-Lis
1217826 Hey Man thanks for understanding, I know i need to fix capitalization and stuff i will do that. And the immediate shipping, sorry about that. I need more people to help me out with this cause this is like my first EVER story that i wrote, for like anything....
I thought I fixed those i's.....
Thanks for feedback and not being a jerk about it. I appreciate it.
If you have any suggestions for how I should change it Message me. Or if you have a Skype account my skypename is garethjason.
Thanks again
--Gareth
1219023
No problem! I don't like people that take a fic from a beginner and shoot it down without reason.
Ugh, I don't do comment convo's, so I'm going to switch to PM, K?
For your first story this is really good. Yes their are some grammar mistakes but somebody already pointed those out so I won't......seems kinda redundant. Anyways, I like how Dean is kinda freaking out about the fact that he's in a new dimension, Since some stories are just like "hey where am I?" "Your in Equestria (sp?)!" "OMG that's amazing. etc. etc." To me it just seems more realistic...if only because that's what I would do.........at first....Then I'd calm down and go find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and then........I'm gonna stop now.....
But still loved your story and I can't wait to read more......Also kinda curious who Deans gonna end up with.
1221987 Hey man thanks for the awesome comment I had this story up a while back but i got flamed real bad. but i put it back up and people are loving it I will continue this story!
And whom dean will end up with is a secret :D (for now)
Hey guys Another chapter for you hope you enjoy, Point out any mistakes you see please, and i will fix them. Also looking for a Proofreader, though my spelling is pretty good, but still its always good to have someone else look at it
Thanks Guys
--Gareth
NICE work I"m getting addicted to this story keep it coming!
1222616 Thanks man.
I will get chapter 4 up as soon as i can. i just gotta revise it and junk :P
Well, it's not the worst fic I've ever seen. You have the skeleton of a good writing style here. It's generally coherent, and I can tell what's going on at a glance. This is good stuff. The characterisation is quite good, as well, and you don't focus too much on the small, inconsequential details that most new writers assume make their fic deep and interesting, but instead make it an absolute slog to read. For an example of this, try reading a random page of 'Eldest' by Christopher Paolini, a published writer, who gleefully falls into that trap. Which you as a new writer have avoided, so feel proud of that.
Now, onto the bad stuff. You start 80-90% of sentences with 'I'. This is a newbie mistake with first person, and it makes your writing repetitive and, to be honest, hard to read. For example:
'I walk around in a circle around the shack, and I hear a familiar voice' could become 'Walking around behind the shack, I hear a familiar voice'. Not perfect, but it doesn't begin with 'I', and incidentally cuts out that awkward 'around in a circle around' business.
Secondly, new line for new speaker. Every time the person speaking changes. That way, your speech is clearly attributed to someone, rather than the speech derailing into a confusing jumble where the reader is unsure as to who is saying what line in a conversation. This problem grows exponentially with each possible character within contact distance. The more characters that would be able to interject into a conversation, the more difficult it becomes to tell who is saying what line. Did X just say that? Or was it Y? Did Z just quickly interject via the comm unit? Did A yell it from the next room over? You get the idea, I'm sure, and I'm just being patronising at this point (Apologies, but I can't assume people are competent on the 'Net).
Thirdly, get a beta reader. They'll help remove some of the awkward word choices and weird grammar quirks that I've noticed so far, because they are able to look at your work from a more objective viewpoint than you. 'I stand up slowly on my feet and the watch me in awe.' (Chapter 2), for example. You don't need to specify that you stand on your feet, because you're human, and thus we can assume from 'stand' that you are, in fact, standing on your feet and not your nose. Since this is first person, you as the viewpoint character, don't know that they're watching in awe. They could be watching with barely disguised disgust. Or you might have mind reading powers. Either way, you need to show what they are doing here, rather than telling the reader what the ponies feel, since, barring mind reading, you as a character wouldn't know they were feeling awe. A better line might have been 'Trying look as harmless as possible, I stand slowly. The yellow pony's eyes widen, and her jaw drops as she stares at me." or something like that. I'm not a professional writer, but still, it doesn't look half as awkwardly phrased. Also, you need a 'y' on that 'the', my friend. Nitpicking, but still a spelling mistake
Anyway, you might want to consider revising this in light of the 'I' problem, but overall you have the skeleton of a good story, so far. It needs fleshing out, and some of the bits are a little broken, but it's not one where I'd say "scrap it and start over.", it just needs some TLC. So good job overall. Watched and liked, just don't fuck up
1224628 Ummm... wow... I am not trying to be the BEST freaking writer out there I am just writing a story... My grammar is not that amazing i'm sorry. I do need someone to help me with that stuff. And I don't know what to do with all the I's. Can you help me out possibly? you know so much about it seems, (im not trying to be mean)
1217826 By the way i also got rid of the immediate shipping, i wont make it where they have a ship...but there will be shipping later...
Lemme know if you see anything messed up in it
and thank you guys for favoriting it makes me joyful inside to see that people actually like my story 
I will be continuing this story (I'm working on Ch 5 now :P) Thank you so much everyone who enjoys this.
--Gareth
1226711
Bloops, missed this one! Your call man. It's all good to me!
1237977 Thanks
Chapter 5 is done it's just I can't publish it cause the Admins will get mad at me for reposting again... cause I posted ch 4 today
I doesn't bump it to the front again, does it.
(oops forgot to tag 1238007 )
...That was interesting to say the least...
Keep it up!
1238100 Interesting as in? and i will. Plus yes it does bump it everytime i click publish.
As always lemme know if you see something wrong
Thanks again everypony for reading my story! I do appreciate it!
Alex got LAID!
1238986 SHUT UP HE DID NOT! THIS ISNT A CLOP FIC!
Lol you so funny john!
1238967
Interesting as in "I sure as heck didn't see that coming!" It's in a good way though!
Reading the story.
Great update! (I know I say that a lot, but it's true!)
1240758 Thank you! Your comments drive me to write more! I havent started Ch 6 yet.. but i will get to it when i get back from picking apples!
Hey guys, hope you enjoy this chapter! If you see something thats mispelled or is just plain not right. lemme know and i will fix it lickity split.
Thank You for reading!
--Gareth
Alex gooooooooooooooooooooooot LAID!!!!
1245426 Dude you just wish you did. Oops now we know who Alex is based off of
lol
Looks like you might have held the shift key a bit to long when you typed "PInkie runs into Sugarcube corner"
Also, I would not have been confused by the change after "Me and Alex walk out and go off to look around, Twilight closes the door behind us." Putting this in (Author's note: So nopony gets confused, these next few paragraphs are in 3rd person, Dean has no clue what is going on.) and this(authors note: So no confusion, Back to 1st Person.) slightly kills the flow of the story.
There are also some grammar errors, but I'm not a fracking grammar nazi, so they don't really bug me.
Story is going great! TELL US what caused Dean and Alex to morph!!!!!
1246368 Wow Dad your on this now?
Haha and, I will in good time my friend. Yeah I will get rid of the Author's notes its kind of obvious that i switched.. And look my grammar isnt perfect... :P
Thanks for Feedback..Dad!
--Gareth
Chapter 7 is up everypony, Please tell me if you see any typos, or grammatical problems (please don't be all grammar nazi on me). If you have a suggestion for anything that you want to be done in the story. Message me, I'll read it and message back, you can also comment a suggestion too, either or is fine. Hope you ponies like it
--Gareth
You missed capitalizing the I here.
here
here
here
and here.
But I know it's a pain to keep up with all the capitalization when your writing.
1257823 Oh my god.....I NEED MICROSOFT WORD!!!!!!!!!
1258902
Windows or Mac?
)
I'm thinking windows, since you asked for MW, but there are free alternatives... I used Abi-word for a while. It's not as pretty as MW, but it gets the job done, and catches the capitalization(I think
1260739 I think the 2000 one would work on 7 Im not sure, i'll check it out...
P.S. What'd you think of the chapter :D?
Alex goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot LAID!!!
1261445
YOU ARE SO FUNNY! 
LOL
Interesting i'll keep up with the story to see how this ends.
1262145 Thanks man!
/)
No prob!
1261433
*Looks at post* Crap, I thought I commented on that already!
It was good. Just to warn you, watch out for the immediate wish fulfillment. it's always a trap that people fall into.
Keep it up!
1263287 Wish fulfillment? whats that?
Basically, I wish X. X comes true in come way or form.
This is what happened.
It's not bad, as long as there's a lead up, or a few other things happening at the same time. It doesn't distract from the story, but I've seen it snowball into only that, chapter after chapter
*Not criticism, just advice*
1265239 Foreshadowing :D lol
1267070
I guess you could say that it's a from of foreshadowing...
1268540
Another chapter for you! Tell me if you see any misspells or grammatical stuff (Don't be a grammar nazi)
Just going to say this, This is not going to be a clop, i might throw in where they do, but no details, that doesn't make it clop...Right?
Anyway tell me if you like it
--Gareth
ALEX GOT LAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1272968 That he did fine sir...that he did...
(and also congrats on 50th comment :D :P)