Apologies Totally Suck
If anyone has checked out my blogpost, they know what's coming next.
I completely messed up this story. Front to back, and I am sorry about that.
I started this story with an interesting concept, but I completely dropped the ball in the execution, and I am incredibly sorry for that. This story was supposed to be an interesting story about a side character constantly trying to better themselves and reach a height only to be shot down by the completely oblivious and and clueless main character, something similar to the video below.
Instead, I filled the story with idiotic pitfalls, plots that don't seem like they would go anywhere, a stupid subplot about villains with a nonsense plan and, as the comments put it, tons of 'rage bait' and the like. I completely failed with this story and I am sorry for that.
As such, I am canceling this story and stepping away. Don't loose heart though. The story is instead going to be taken over by a friend of mine by the name of Toxic Fox.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/344416/Toxicfox
I lost my head in the execution and became far too over ambitious, and it cost me. I'm sorry to everyone I disappointed with this story.
Toxic's version will hopefully be much more inline with the original idea, and more.
Feel free to unfollow me if you did, and dislike the story if you wish, I am so sorry.
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I mean.. I'm not gonna shit on you, but I'm glad you've seen that the story wasn't going the way you intended, and did the right choice regarding it. Personally, I couldn't wait for him to grow a spine, but it did devolve into ragebait for too long.
Sad
Try rebooting it if you haven't lost motivation
I thought the story was progressing fine.
I enjoyed the way it was going. It was funny, different, and original. Focusing on the wimp of the relationship was great compared to the overused, god like cliche that happens oh so often.
It was a great story, even if it needed a little tweaking, and i liked it. You could just change it to the side character getting out of the main character's shadow and getting his own decent life, that would be good to. He doesn't have to get "SUPER OP ANIME POWERS" but, just getting away from MC, finding some nice friends that like him for him, and his own job and average home would probably be enough. simple story, nice friendships, and happy ends without MC getting in the way at the end. (I would prefer that he somehow loses his powers and 'oh you're so perfect we love you/ bad guy and disaster attracting' field so he gets booted away easier but, eh one can only dream of what they want to do to annoying OP characters).
If changing it is a no go the original plot was going well, just give Johan some small wins that Derek can't mess with because it would be impossible for the world to sweep it under the rug, That will alley the critics. other than that it should be completely so long as Johan doesn't die/become a vegetable.
Is Toxic Fox going to be rewriting from scratch or continuing from where you left off?
Unfortunte, especially because it looked like next chapter would be the beginning of some real progress Johan but I won't pressure you against your choice.
*Smacks Deergenerate* Oh hush, the story ended up crashing. So what? Even if you don’t rewrite this, consider writing out another story. You have promise, you everyone fails. But the real failure is when you stop trying. Till next time!
As an old time Hawkwind fan, this came to mind
"Unfollow and dislike" because you feel like you messed up the base concept ?
Now that's something most stories with an endless stream of sequels or chapters (with more and more OC characters) should learn.
You can do whatever you like, but I think you made the right call and I'm impressed when someone face the flaws instead of letting it rot in yellow status for years.
I'll wait for your next project, good luck for the next step.
It had a good premise, but I have to admit it needs a lot of work. Rare since I don't like cancellations, this was the right choice. For what it's worth, you probably learned a lot from this failure. You were both brave and critically fair in your personal assessment. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to future works by you!
10475730
I think he is going to start from scratch
Though it is sad, your health and safety go first. Hopefully, you're able to return in the future and make something at your own pace.
Its fine, I enjoyed the ride while it lasted!
Don't be too hard on yourself, you had a great thing going and I takes strength to admit when your in over your head.
You made us feel with your words, mostly salt and rage, but feelings non the less.
I'll look out for more of your works in the future.
So first off, SHUT THE F*CK UP WITH WHAT YOU SAYING!
I don't care if you think folks don't like your story! You made it for YOUR OWN enjoyment! I myself have learned this lesson!
Second off, I respect your decision and am slamming the favorite for this story.
Sweet dreams in the eather story.
I think what started you down the wrong path was that Derek was a bit too malicious in his cluelessness.
All the same, I hope this experience doesn’t put you off from writing. Even if things went a bit awry, I think we were all still enjoying the story overall.
I actually kind of enjoyed it. It was going in a weird direction, but I was hooked. Writing is hard, I've tried and I've written awful things, so don't feel bad. This wasn't awful, it was interesting and kept me reading. Not sure I liked all the characters being mean but sometimes its fun to read a good angst, and it was better when Johan had his new friend to make it lighter.
Here's a little ending to the story I cooked up in my head, for those of you who also got a case of story-blueballs.
Platinum and Derek fight for a while before Johann feels well enough to pull his head out of the toilet and run outside. He yells at Derek and Platinum to stop fighting, but Derek keeps on and starts to overpower Platinum. It looks like Derek is about to finish him off, but he stops for a second to talk shit to Johann about how weak he is and how he is nothing without him, blah blah blah.
Platinum takes this time to charge a spell to turn Derek into platinum and casts it at him while his back is turned being a shitbag to Johann. It hits him right in the sack, and because of his silly alicorn magic resistance, the spell only manages to turn his balls and wang into platinum, and they snap off after he tries to fix them.
Now entirely wienerless, Derek starts freaking out, giving Platinum time to teleport far away to safety. An amount of Derek's gary-stu mind control magic fades with the destruction of his horse-bits, making the mane six able to realize that he was being a complete turd to Johann with his "you suck" rant, and they protect him from Derek's anger.
Nopony can figure out how to reattach or regrow Derek's schlong and nuggets, so Derek suggests that they hit him with the elements of harmony, thinking that they might heal him. So they do that.
Unfortunately for Derek, he is actually full of shit all the way down to his soul, and the Elements of Harmony just turn him to stone, completely breaking his worldwide mindrape. Now free of Derek's filthy mental manipulation, they are able to recognize that how they were acting towards him was not how they normally would have. Many of the mares that Derek banged feel absolutely disgusted with what happened, especially those who were in committed relationships beforehand, and especially Twilight who wanted her first time to be with her husband after a storytale wedding like her brother and babysitter had.
The princesses decide that Derek should remain in stone and also throw his statue through the mirror portal so that they aren't reinfected with his passive mind-control magic again when he eventually breaks free.
Several ponies apologize to Johann after how they treated him, but he's still kind of bitter about the whole thing and he doesn't want to live anywhere Derek's mansion anymore, so he moves to the Crystal Empire. Platinum also moves there with him after Johann vouches for him and they let him off the hook. He occasionally gets called to fight off monsters, but otherwise just kind of hangs out.
Princess Flurry Heart eventually becomes his friend because he's just so tiny and adorable, and he moves into the Crystal palace and works as her dance instructor, because he was apparently an awesome dancer this whole time.
The secret league of shadowy villain badguys all die when Gene Splicer accidentally adds chemical X to his science experiment and it blows way the fuck up.
Dereks stone imprisonment eventually wears off after a couple of decades, but he still doesn't have anything down there, and he can't find the mirror portal to get back to Equestria. He lives out his life in the EquestriaGirls-verse doing whatever he was doing before he and Johann got isekai'd. He's bummed out about a lot of things, but he eventually settles down with a conspiracy theorist nutjob who believes his crazy story of being a pony superhero. He and his wacko girlfriend also manage to have a fulfilling sex-life using something called a "beanis," whatever the hell that is.
Everypony basically has a happy ending. The end.
Everyone fails once. In fact, everyone fails quite a lot. Don't let this drag you down.
10476307
Agreed on that.
Dont get too bummed out, its 1000x better than anything I could write. I also enjoyed even if it got a little jumbled.
Damn.
The premise was amazing. Side character trying to be better, but there is looming secret from main character, that prevents side character to be happy. Like main character needs side character to be miserable to be powerful or something.
It was unique. It was fresh. And because of that it was hard to write.
There was a story, where something similar happen.
It was shameless clop. Really bottom of barrel, but written without orthographic errors, so it was a plus. Human turned alicorn. He had sex with every mare, even married Cadance. Turns out, there was a ancient law, where when alicorn mare is pregnant with alicorn, who is not her husband. That alicorn must fight her husband for a mare. And it was important, because pregnant mares NEED father of foal, to be nearby to deliver healthy baby (magic from father support pregnancy or something). And this duels between alicorns are until death or dismemberment, means until one of them get his dick and balls, horn and wings rip off. But it is ok you see, because alicorns can regenerate any limb. Also there is some magical bullshit so the law won't be ignored. Also beaten stallion can be changed to mare, or abandon duel fully in favor to changing to mare (some alicorns don't want to fight, because they can die, so sometimes changing to mare is safer option for some alicorn stallions). Most duels end with dead (remember, curbing alicorn population, and if father of gestating foal die, the foal also die ans sometimes also a mother [foal siphon magic from mother, and often there is not enough magic for two ponies to live, that is why father is needed nearby]). Also hornless and wingless alicorn can die of exposure (alicorns lived in times before discord, where there was not really a civilization, and why should be, when you are a powerful alicorn, unless you lost your horn and wings, then you are easy target for hydra or chimera before they regrow). Turning to mare regrow limbs instantly.
Now.
Who was Cadance husband? Shining. Shining wasn't alicorn, so his jewels won't regrow.
Also Cadance cheated on him, because she wanted a baby (normal ponies can't impregnate alicorns). Also human turned alicorn impregnated Twilight Sparkle.
So this law was written when alicorns banged alicorns, and also has other things mainly to prevent alicorn overpopulation. It needed some suspension of disbelief, but it was good enough.
So normally alicorns don't marry and bang normal ponies, because they are not atracted to them. Just simple biology preventing from ruting creatures, that can't get you pregnant. Something like normal ponies just don't have good enough hormones to even get alicorn mare horny. And alicorn mares don't have heats without alicorn stallion nearby. But Cadance as a element of love is more horny and geared for marriage, So she married Shining. Law wasn't even considered paring between alicorn and normal pony.
So there is Shining.
Just happened to be a victim of ancient law. And he was cheated by his wife. And his sister was impregnated by same stallion, who impregnated his wife. And this stallion also impregnated bunch of other mares (some slight jealously from stallion biology).
And now he has to choose: fight to death, or change to a mare. Did I mention that loser changed mare have to be in herd with winner?
So Shining chose fight to the death. Cadance wanted him change to a mare, because she love him. Protagonist didn't kill him, but had to rip his dick and balls of, and horn. Shining put out a decent fight (he was fueled by many emotions), but he was not alicorn and lost.
Shining get really depressed.
He lost his wife (now she was married to human turned stallion) and his position (he could not be a prince, because his marriage has been cancelled, because he lost and marriage between alicorns overrule marriage between pony and alicorn)
But there is a kicker. Cadane and Shining were trying to have a foal and fund research to find a way to have a foal. Because Shining was loving Cadance to the death, he COULD impregnate her (and only Cadance, because she was avatar of love). There was a researcher, who didn't know about duel and just provide Shining and Cadance with this fact and very simple and easy solution to make this happen.
Shining was not happy. He had a tantrum in a middle of a court (where Cadance and human turned alicorn was having court), that has him threw in a jail. Cadance was trying to console him and reconcile with him, but Shining was too hurt and without his gonads and horn. He was just a victim of unfair law. Also this law could be amended, but it was a long process, and duel could not be postponed. Celestia and Luna was too young to pay attention about it on Starswirl lessons, so they simply forgot until it was too late. Cadance simply wasn't aware of it.
So it happens that there was Sombra's horn nearby (some magic mumbo jumbo, but enough to be believable). And Sombra ofered revenge to Shining. And Shining took it by aplying Sombra's horn onto his own. Some magic happen and Shining break from prison by destroying whole wall. Several of them. And he teleported to Sombra's hideout.
So now Shining is a legitimate threat. He is powerful and is wielding magic not known by alicorns. Sombra was a prodigy, he could take one alicorn, but could not take two (Celestia and Luna in the same time). Now he/they have double the magic pool that synergize with itself. Also he fueled by negative emotions, like Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon was one pony, Shining and Sombra are too, and it means, there is a power of double Nightmare Moon available. Shining was also a prodigy, not as a Twilight, but his shields are superb. And Shining could love to death, so also he could hold grudge and hate to the death. He was really a big threat now.
And Shining has a legitimate grudge making him very good villain. Also there was some Sombra backstory trying to legitimaze his grudges, but wasn't good enough to me to remember.
So now human turned stallion has to train to fight Shining, because he could not now overpower him with magic power alone. Also he really just know how to rut mares, and not how to fight (he was kinda selfish and shortsighted person as a human). Also his good ruting is not because of his skill, but just because of his hormones.
And in the background Shining is having internal fight about dominance, like Lich King and Arthas in Warcraft universe.
And that is where story has been cancelled.
Author just wanted to write shameless clop about impregnating mares. But after a dozen or more chapters premise above crystallized. And author simply wasn't good and passionate enough to continue premise above. He just wanted to write some cheap clop.
So he deleted story.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T!
THANK YOU!
It would be a shame if this story be cancelled. It has a good premise and many things could be fixed, and there was many good ideas in comments.
I am happy that you made this story. It was unique, it was a worth read.
Please don't delete it. Maybe consider continuing it with things already written and maybe use some ideas from your comments sections.
As you can see, I am very passionate about your story and story previously described in this comment.
One more time. Thank you for your work. You may think this story turns out bad, but for me it is a gem.
10476439
Holy shit, dude. That story sounds like the most unpleasant story to ever read if you have even a shred of sympathy in you.
I strongly dislike Shining Armor as a character, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and especially not from a shitty harem protagonist with no common decency.
10476471
It was a roller coaster. It was several years ago. I have come to read some cheap clopfic and it transformed into something like this. And it was believable. And it had sense. And it was decently written. It caught me by surprise and could not stop reading it.
From a shemeless clopfic to one of the best premises I ever saw. Well, now I have read more, but it was still impact worth remembering.
Also I enjoyed your ending a little. It was enough to satisfy blueballs. Not a full course or full release, but enough to come by.
Honestly, you could just rewrite it. No need to end it.
Okay, I did not see that coming.
(Didn't see the blogpost)
It's an sad, but understandable decision.
I still want you to know I greatly enjoyed the story while it lasted.
10476149
Fair enough.
10476439
That really came out of nowhere.
If you remember the name, try looking at FiMFetch.
If the story existed long enough it may be there.
I understand your reasons 100%. More often than not I never even start a story because the planning of it just got too complex and the idea falls apart. However, you got this far! Sure it got away from and ended up flopping, but you got there. I would have liked a short simplified ending though, even if it is unsatisfying I like to have the author wrap things up how he would do it. Anyways, thank you for the time and effort you put into this one and good luck with the next!
10476656
I wish i could remember. It was several years ago and i don't remember it's name. Only memories of plot remain.
Welll.... Shit
Damn it
I mean, I enjoyed it. I follow a lot of stories, and I was happy to rank yours among the few that I read a new chapter for immediately upon it being released. It seemed like the story was just building up, like about 2 or 3 chapters away from something really substantial happening, a big change to the plot that could cause it to change for the better. I'm disappointed it was cancelled, but it's your choice in the end. I won't be removing it from my favorites, won't be removing the like it deserved when I pressed that button, and I'll continue to follow you in the event that you create any further stories in the future. Don't give up my man! You've still got lots of potential.
Ill keep an eye on your stories.
While I think that the story was a depressing read, I felt that the last chapter was beginning to show a possible turn to the positive. The story itself wasn't as bad as your making it out to be and I feel like your being unnecessarily hard on yourself for it.
We all write things that just don't work, all writers occasionally do this and its not the end of the world. Its not the mistakes you make, its what you learned and how you recover from them.
Cheers
The Monk
“They may have been a pair of idiots, but the true test of intelligence is how you stick the landing!” -The Dimensional Traveler
Btch, you won't see me complaining! I kind of liked it, even though I could see the Wall at the end of the Tunnel. You probably know this already, but there are rules in art. These rules, the reason of why art can be good and bad, arn't rules; they are guidelines. They are meant to be followed in many places, but are meant to be broken and diverted in others. Thats WHY WE ARE HERE, because we have tolarance and hope enough to find something that lands in our PERFECt Zone of follow rules, and not follow rules.
POINT IS: we don't give a fuck about a lackluster exicution, because thats what we expect AND ARE HERE FOR, as long as you along with the entertainment factor got something else right!
And that something is the courage to try again, maybe another place, maybe another time, maybe another Idea.
NOW GET ON THE FLOOR AND GIVE ME FIFTY, AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU. WILL. TRY. AGAIN WITH THE WRITING. UNDER-FUCKING-STOOOOD?!??!!???!
You had a cool idea and tried to write a story for that, but when you were writing it, it got away from you and started going in a different direction, I get that. You don't have to abandon it though, some things went wrong true, but not everything, going a little off script isn't the same as going wrong. You don't need to step away, just step back and reassess where the story's going and where you want it to go. You've got the villain plot, and maybe you don't know where it's going but they're ordinary Saturday morning cartoon villains, even they don't have any long term goals outside of general concepts like world domination or whatever because they're not supposed to succeed. The main plot is essentially a side character getting self-help lessons and support from a supervillain, honestly this story reminded me a lot of Not The Hero, the source of the "hero's" powers are similarly mysterious, he's also an overpowered Gary Stu, and there's also a villain working towards positive change.
That was an amazing video.