• Published 3rd Jun 2020
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The Side Character is a Deer - Legacy Edition - Deergenerate



Johan is a side character in his own story. He is also a displaced human stuck as a deer. Suffice to say, his life sucks now.

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Chapter 11: Hospitals Totally Suck

Spike walked along the path leading up to Johan's new house, a piece of paper nervously held in his hand. He had coughed it up earlier while reading a comic with earplugs in while Twilight gushed about the date she had with Derek the other day for like, the thirteenth time.

It had a very simple message written on it in hand/hoof/horn writing he didn't recognize;

Dear Purple Dragon,

Please come to Johan's house as quickly as you can. It's really really important.

From: Johan's roommate

P.S please please please please please don't freak out when you get here.

Spike didn't know who this roommate was, but hey, if this guys was friends with Johan, he was friends with him.

Spike crossed a small hilly incline coming to a stop in the front yard of a brand new house. Instead of a small stone shack, there was a nice cyan brick house complete with two floors, a front porch and a nice tiled roof.

Initially Spike thought he was in the wrong place, but the fact that it was right next to the many times larger house of Derek kinda sealed the deal to him. This sure was Johan's house alright. He must have made some huge improvements lately!

Maybe Johan's roommate was inviting him to see the new house! That made sense, though it didn't really explain why he asked him not to freak out...

Spike simply shrugged and walked up to the front door, giving it a couple knocks.

"Come in!" A voice he didn't recognize said.

Spike did exactly that, opening the door and stepping into the room.

"Hey Johan! I like the new house! How'd you get it up so quick...ly...." Spike started but trailed off at what he saw.

Johan was lying on the ground on his back, completely still, sweat pouring from his brow, his body shaking. Sitting on the opposite side of Johan was a white unicorn with cyan hair, two piercing platinum colored eyes, and a suit of platinum armor.

Spike's entire face went white and he let out a deep gasp stepping back.

"I swear to Celestia this is not what it looks like." Platinum Shine said, his hooves in the air in an attempt at a calming gesture.

The unicorn knew it didn't work when Spike reared back and let out a blood curdling scream.

"Murderer! Psychopath! Deer Poacher!" Spike screamed falling onto his back pointing at him. "Help! Help! Help!!!!"

The Unicorn replied by visibly cringing and lighting up his horn, slamming the door closed and casting a sound proofing spell on the room.

"Can you just please calm down? I am Johan's friend!" Platinum cried. Spike replied by shrieking again, clawing at the door.

"How am I supposed to believe that? You're an actual bonafide super villain!" Spike screeched. "And now you want to kill me too!"

"Ex-vigilante Extremist!" Platinum corrected him. He stood up and pointed at the now discarded letter the dragon had previously been holding.

"Look! I'm the one who sent the letter! I need your help taking care of Johan!" Platinum cried out, panic gripping his voice. "I only called out to you because apparently you are the only person in this god awful town who likes him more than Derek!"

That made Spike pause. His face suddenly scrunched up and he turned around to look at Platinum, back to the door. "Hmph... What is Johan's favorite food?"

"His favorite dinner food is Mac and Cheese, because it is the only thing he can usually make, but if you're talking his favorite food of all time, it's a Blue Raspberry Popsicle." Platinum said quickly in response.

"Oh sweet Celestia you really are his friend." Spike said putting a claw to his forehead and sliding down the door to the ground. "I need a second to process this."

There was a pause.

"Ok second over. Now get over here and help me help Johan please!" Platinum said gesturing to the still unconscious sweating deer.

Spike stood up and rushed to Johan's side. "Did you take his temperature or something?" Spike asked, putting a hand to Johan's forehead.

"I did, 101.2 degrees Fahrenheit, or 38.4 in silly foreign degrees. He has a fever." Platinum said sitting next to Spike staring at the deer.

"Have you tried CPR?"

"That was the first thing I did." Platinum replied

"Mouth to mouth?"

A sudden blush came to Platinum's face. "That was the second thing I tried." He said, his voice much quieter than usual.

"Have you though about taking him to a hospital?" Spike asked looking up at him a slight frown on his face.

"Of course I did, but look at me! I am a former villain. No way am I going to be able to get anywhere close to a hospital. That's why I called you!" Platinum cried. He was very close to biting his hooves in panic.

Spike paused for a couple seconds before a sudden, dark smile came to his face.

"I think I have an idea to fix that." He darkly snickered.

"Oh? What's that?" Platinum replied with a raise eyebrow. He barely had time to react when he was blasted in the face by green fire.


The door to Johan's house slammed open, Spike quickly rushing out followed by Platinum, Johan slung over the unicorn's back.

The unicorn was wearing a dark grey hood-less cloak instead of his usual armor, which had been set aside because he really didn't want to be recognized wearing it. The fur on his head was singed black, and his previously cleanly combed and styled mane was now messy, unkempt, and slightly smoking. A deep frown on his face.

"Did you really have to blast me in the face?" Platinum growled darkly, one of his eyes twitching.

"Yeah!" Spike said as he closed the door behind Platinum and began leading him in the direction of Ponyville hospital. "All everyone knows about Platinum Shine is that he is a white unicorn with a cyan mane. That and the armor. No one will think the black unicorn with a black mane is the renowned super powerful 'Ex'-villain Platinum Shine! Isn't that right... Sooty?"

Spike poked Platinum in the ribs with his elbow a couple times, winking and he did it.

"Is Sooty my disguise name?" Platinum asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes." Spike replied almost instantly.

There was a pause as the two walked in silence.

"I fucking hate dragons." 'Sooty' said.


Johan groaned as he slowly opened his eyes. He was laying in a bed of some kind, though the sheets were terribly uncomfortable. Like they were made of plastic. He tried sitting up, but found that doing so only made the headache worse, causing him the cry out in pain and collapse back into the bed.

"Hey hey hey! You're okay. Just relax." He heard Platinum say to his right, but when Johan turned his eyes to the origin of the voice, all he saw was a black unicorn.

"A-Am I dreaming?" Johan asked groggily. The black unicorn shook his head in response.

Johan heard a door open, and quickly snapped his eyes in that direction to see Dr. Nurse Redheart enter the room... Or was it Nurse Nurse Redheart? He didn't really know. Pony job title and name relations were weird.

"What's wrong with him Redheart?" Johan heard spike asked. That certainly didn't clear anything up. In fact it just lead to more questions. What the heck was Spike doing there?

"Well... uhhh... To be honest I have never actually operated on a deer before, but based on what I have read about them the answer is kinda obvious." Redheart walked up Johan and put a hoof on one of his antlers. The second she did it a massive wave of pain shot through his head causing him to cry out once again.

"He is supposed to be shedding." Redheart said with a frown.

"Like... shedding scales?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nope. He is supposed to lose his antlers, but they aren't coming off. I ran an ex-ray, and it seems like they are being held in place and in so doing they have not only been pulling on his skull leading to the massive headaches he is feeling, it also seems like bacteria managed to seep in and have infected the area." Redheart explained before grabbing onto his right antler. Johan couldn't help but cry out in pain again.

"To put it bluntly, we have to get these off of him a.s.a.p. Then we can start applying antibiotics until he is fully healed and cured." Redheart turned to the black unicorn in the room. "Do you know any spells that can numb or remove the pain?"

"I... only know what that can make it feel less bad, that's all." The black unicorn said, a grimace coming to his face. "S-sorry but is there another way we can do this?"

"I'm afraid not." Redheart said, a deathly tone coming to her voice. "We cannot afford to preform a surgery on him."

"Why not?" The unicorn said casting the spell and holding the deer down.

"He doesn't have insurance." Redheart said, the same deathly tone in her voice.

"W-wait a minute! Derek said I as a co-dependent on hi-" Johan cried, but he was cut off when Redheart tugged on the antler with all her might. First there was a sickening crack that made Spike and the unicorn's faces turn green, then a loud pop as the first antler came out.

Redheart didn't give Johan time to complain before she grabbed the other one and repeated the process, tugging at the antler and ripping it out too.

The earth pony gave a sigh of relief and stepped back and observed her handy work.

"Owie owie owie owie!" Johan cried, kicking his back legs and holding onto the two new holes on the top of his head. There was no blood or anything, which was good, but the pain was still certainly there.

"Would you like to keep these by any chance? Cause if not I think I'm going to hang them over my fireplace." She asked the black unicorn, who scowled at her and ripped them out of her hooves.

"I'll take this you wack job!" He hissed, before handing them to Spike, who looked like he had just seen a ghost.

"I... is that what sex is like?" the dragon asked underneath his breath.

"Now then, Johan is going to be weaker than ever for the next two weeks, so you will need to keep a close eye on him and give him antibiotics twice a day. Make sure no one tries to kidnap him or anything too. Ya know how it is these days. Villains always swooping in and stealing away the innocent or something." She said as she wrote something on a note.

The black unicorn cleared his throat and tugged at the collar of his cloak.

"Now then, have a nice day!" She said with a smile, handing the note she had written to Spike, who weakly nodded in appreciation.

"Come on Johan, let's get you home. Sorry about this. They'll grow back right?" The unicorn said slinging Johan over his back, who was still holding his head and repeating 'owie' over and over again. "They'll probably grow back right?"

The unicorn leaned over and whispered into Redheart's ear. "Antler's grow back right?"

"Oh yeah. In fact, Equestrian deer grow their antlers back incredibly quickly. Give him two months and he'll have another rack ready to take some people's coats." Redheart said with a nod.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just called my friend a coat-rack. In fact, except for the medicine part, you'd better hope I forget everything that happened today." The unicorn growled before he started walking out of the room, shepherding Spike in front of him.

As soon as they were out of the site and earshot, Redheart chuckled darkly, her coat turning black and her mane turning purple. Void shook her head with a content sigh, removing the nurse hat she had pilfered and tossing it uselessly aside. An oily black tentacle emerged from her back, swishing in the air in front of her in a circular movement.

"I did it," she said staring down at a shadowy magical reality window which she had formed in front of her, a helmeted Earth Pony on the other side. "Johan is as weak as a baby now. He won't be able to put up any Resistance when we arrive to capture him."

Epoxy chuckled. "Excellent. The plan marches forwards it seems. It is high time for two unstoppable forces to meet."

Epoxy started to slowly chuckle, before it turned to a guffaw. Before long, the scientist threw his head back in mad laughter. It was only a matter of time now until the secrets of humanity was his.

Author's Note:

Because it has been brought up in the comments several times I would like to clarify something.

*Clears throat*

Deer don't have magic. This stems from a deep seated hated of mine for what I like to refer to as 'Elf Deer.' Basically, almost every Fimfiction site I have read that includes deer either has them as completely non-special, generic elves, or tribalist shamans.

I hate that XD

I especially hate the fact that they are always portrayed as having plant magic. The literal worst kind of magic in history.

As I like to say; Better to have no magic than plant magic.

So yeah, Johan will probably not be getting magic, but that's ok! He can instead get strong in other ways! Like emotional and mental strength!

Or instead of getting strong, he can just become happy. He deserves it :)