My Little Pony, My Little Pony, and Me 317: Hello, Humans!

by Sixes_And_Sevens

Money Zone

“Okay,” said Ditto, sitting back down. “Are we clear now?”

“We’re clear,” Juice said. “No more secrets spilled here.”

“Okay. We can just edit all that out in post, so we’re fine. We’re all good.”

Juice picked up a can of soda and cracked it open.

Ditto made a face like he was in physical pain. “We are no longer good,” he muttered. “How many times, Juice? How many times?”

“You just said we could edit stuff out!” Juice said, holding up his hooves in protest.

“A minimum of one princesses listens to this show!” Scraps said. “You have to show a little more respect!”

“It’s Cherry Coke, how much more respectful can a drink be?”

Ditto was sat frozen to the spot, staring into space. This did not go unnoticed by his brothers. Juice frowned at him. “Ditto? Are you alright, bud? Normally you’d razz me way longer about the soda.”

“A minimum of one princess listens to our show,” Ditto said, a note of doom in his voice. “A minimum.”

Juice sucked in a long breath and let it out slowly. “Huh. Huh. Well. Uh. We haven’t been convicted of lese-majeste yet, so… I guess we’re good?”

Scraps frowned at his microphone. “Hey. Hey, listeners? MBMBAMbinos? If you’re an alicorn or a draconequus or a royal or whatever, you have to tell us.”

“Legally, you do have to tell us,” Ditto agreed. “Otherwise it is entrapment.”

Juice picked up his ad copy. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, our first sponsor this week is Roll-X Dice.”

“Roll-X Dice is a company that makes specialty RPG dice,” Scraps said. “Listeners to our other podcast that we do with our dad, The Adventure Pone, will know that we’re big fans of all kinds of those games, like Ogres and Oubliettes, Urbane Shadows, Robots and Emotions…”

“Bighoof Stole My Cart, whatever the fuck system Dadlands was…” Ditto agreed.

“And Roll-X Dice makes quality dice for all of those games! Except the Dadlands one, because that uses poker chips and fanny packs instead of dice.”

“Now, we each got a set of dice from Roll-X. Mine was one of their Dwarven Mine sets, which are these ones that look grey, but they’ve got veins of glow-in-the-dark material running through them,” Juice said. “What about you boys?”

“I got a set of translucent orange dice that have little autumn leaves inside,” Scraps said.

“Mine are kinda this dark purple with little silver sparkles,” Ditto said. “And I’ve had a lot of dice over the years, boys, and these are quality.”

“And right now, our listeners can write in to Roll-X dice and receive 50% off their first set of dice by mentioning the offer code Brother.”

“That’s right,” Scraps agreed. “Write to Roll-X Dice at 20120 East Cortland Street, Manehattan, Equestria, zip code 10453, with offer code Brother, and receive 50% off your first set of dice.”

“Roll-X Dice,” Ditto read. “Fulfilling your most critical needs.”

“Our next sponsor is Modest Freedoms,” Scraps said.

“Uh…” said Juice, frowning and holding up a hoof to stop his brother.

Scraps grinned. “I’m just kidding, it’s for Extreme Restraints.”

Ditto rubbed his forehead. “Boy. You sure got ‘em with that goof,” he said flatly.

“Extreme Restraints is a company that makes, uh…” Juice trailed off, grinning. “Well, they also make high quality toys for, I guess in some cases you could say, roleplaying games.”

“No. No. You need to stop,” Ditto said. “They’re a sex toy company. Audience, please do not get it twisted, you should not order dice or miniatures from Extreme Restraints.”

“And you really shouldn’t order a buttplug from Roll-X Dice,” Scraps said.

Ditto made a face like he’d bitten into a banana and forgotten to peel it. “That is very true!” he managed to choke out after a few seconds. “That is… yeah, I’m with you on that one.”

“That’s nasty, Scraps,” Juice said.

“You started it!”

“Aaaaanyway,” Ditto said quickly. “They have basically everything you might need for pleasuring yourself or your partner.”

“It’s sure to be a critical hit in the bedroom,” Juice added.

“You just said that was nasty!”

“I think this is some kind of record,” Scraps observed. “Losing two sponsors in a single ad break.”

“And -- you know --” Ditto gave up. “Just write to Extreme Restraints at 1569 --”

“Nice,” Scraps said.

“1569 Shireland Road, Seaddle, Equestria, zip code 98102,” Ditto rattled off as quickly as he could. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Our listeners can use offer code Middlest for a fifty-bit discount from their first purchase. Now please, let’s go to the pre-recorded stuff, Celes-- Disco-- for somepony’s sake!”

Scraps clicked off the microphones for a moment and Juice flicked on the record that held a pre-recorded ad. The needle scraped along for a moment before finding its groove. A gentle, homey music began to play.

“Hi,” said a male voice. “Has this ever happened to you?”

“My wife keeps stealing my bow ties!” an indignant female voice with a Lawndon accent proclaimed.

“My roommate never finishes any of his leftovers,” a male voice complained.

“My husband won’t stop correcting me when I try to tell people anecdotes,” another female voice said.

The original voice spoke again. “If so, you may be entitled to justice. I’m Judge P.C. Hodgpony. I’m not a real judge, but I sometimes pretend to be a deranged billionaire in radio comedies. All these voices you heard were from real litigants seeking justice. Here in my fake radio courtroom, I listen to all sides of the argument. I ask questions and get to the heart of the matter. I can get you the justice that you seek, today.”

“Thanks to Judge Hodgpony, my mother is no longer allowed to tell other ponies that they’re making her cake recipe wrong,” a new male voice said.

“Judge Hodgpony ruled that I have to join a community theatre group.”

“Judge Hodgpony found in my favor and ruled that my husband can no longer turn off the heated bathroom tiles overnight.”

Judge Hodgpony himself spoke again. “Write to me with the details of your case at P.O. Box 367, zip code 10460, Manehattan, Equestria. No case is too small. This is the sound of a gavel --”
There was the sound of clinking glass. “That is all.”

Author's Note:

Disclaimer: Offers and promotions are not valid on any alternate worlds or planes of existence.

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

“A minimum of one princess listens to our show,” Ditto said, a note of doom in his voice. “A minimum.”

Yeah, there's a spine-chiller.

“It’s sure to be a critical hit in the bedroom,” Juice added.

Something, something, orgasm of opportunity.

I’m Judge P.C. Hodgpony.

Oh, this is a good universe. Though I do have to wonder how well That is All sold on a world that faces apocalypses on a frequent basis.

[Coyote de La Mancha]

Deadlands was an awesome game.

“Judge Hodgpony ruled that I have to join a community theatre group.”

Once again, you have made someone who has never heard of the thing you are parodying laugh anyway.

[Sixes_And_Sevens]

10281046
Actually, 'Dadlands' was the one system on here whose name I didn't change. The concept is, you live in a valley full of Dads -- the Moms and the Kids vanished a long time ago, and now the world is divided into Dad Clans -- the Craft Dads, the Vacation Dads, the Sports Dads, etc. It's one of the wildest premises I've ever seen for a game, and the execution didn't disappoint.