• Member Since 21st Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

ReaperofSouls42


T

Equestria, a magical land filled withall kinds of mythical creatures and beasts of all shapes and sizes. Among them are Humans, griffons, dragons and ponys. these four great races live in harmony thanks too two rulers named Celestia, the princess of the sun and Luna, the princess of the moon.

Together they rule over Equestria and it's people. However, darkness is upon them. Will Equestria hold fast or will it fall?



Rated Teen for mild language, violent themes, blood and some sexual themes

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 150 )

Is this like an anthrop story?

This reminds me of final fantasy

Great story so far man keep it up

1204373 Wow it's you XD Thank you for looking at my story! :pinkiehappy:

1204490 i've put a few different game elements into this story FF included!:twilightsmile:

1204987 Thank you very much! :pinkiehappy: i will try my best.:twilightsmile:

dont mean to burst your bubble, but theres already a fic with this exact name.

1222502 Lol yeah i just found it not to long ago, but I'm not to sure what to name mine or if i want to :rainbowlaugh: Thanks for taking the time to tell me though.

Review time! :pinkiehappy:

1) Overall, your writing is great. I liked what you did with the character, both canon and OC, and you managed to hold my attention for 7,000+ words, which is somewhat of a feat.

2) Your OC. Well, his name is Hero. Not the most clever or original of names. I thought you did a good job of developing him into an interesting character.

3) The sword. This is one element that worries me because it turns your well-rounded, strong-but-not-overpowered character into... well, an overpowered character. I'm glad you had him lose to Spike, but you're going to need to give the sword drawbacks or limits, or it'll turn your character into a Stu.

4) Ponies don't usually wear clothes.

5) I saw some minor grammar issues, most notably tense shifts. Careful proofreading will probably fix them.

6) Specifics!

Equestria, a magical would...

World, right?

Hero realized that there is a city in front of the castle known as Canterlot.

Why didn't he know that before? He lives nearby, so it seems like the kind of thing he would pick up on.

A huge fireball roared out of Blueblood’s hand,

Ponies have hooves.

Dragoons are a powerful warrior class that use speed to enhance their strength.

I know you're including FF elements, but that doesn't mean it has to sound like a video game. This one crossed that line for me.

what do you acquire me for

I think the word you're looking for is 'require.' 'Acquire' would imply slavery or something. Either way, the syntax is weird.

Well, I think that's everything. Congratulations on a good start. I look forward to seeing what you do with this in the future. :twilightsmile:

1235784 Once again Thank you for the full review it is most helpful to me!:twilightsmile:

I think my main problem is i need to slow down....lol In this Alternate Universe they all have hands mainly for hold weapons ect. but i didn't explain that really and should of went into more detail. Also thanks for the complamenr on my character. I have read a bunch of storys where their character is op which is ok and all but it doesent make for the greatest character development and as for the sword i knew it will be very hard to make it not op and ruin my character so what you see in chapter 1 is basicly what everone else has seen, chapter 2 will give more info on the sword itself as well as giving more..."Faults" to Hero. :rainbowlaugh::trollestia:

Oh and as for ".[/I know you're including FF elements, but that doesn't mean it has to sound like a video game. This one crossed that line for me." How would you of wrote it then, if you dont mind me asking?

Again thank you for taking the time to review and read my storys! Makes me feel like im starting to get noticed. :pinkiehappy:

1236332

I think it's mostly the word 'class' that bugs me. I haven't played a lot of FF, but I understand that characters can just change 'classes,' or fighting styles, to use different sets of abilities and whatnot. This is nice for video games, but in real life, a fighter isn't limited by his 'class.'

To use an example: let's say my FF character has learned black magic, white magic, and fighter skills. The game (at least the one I played) would limit the abilities I could use to those of just two classes, even though the character knew all of them. In real life, this character would be able to use all of his learned abilities regardless of what class they came from.

That had more of a point in my head. :rainbowhuh: Anywho. Moving on.

Let me grab some of the surrounding material to use as an example.

Hero managed to block the thrust, holding it off. “U-unbelievable strength and speed…!” said Hero through gritted teeth.
“Thanks, my fighting style allows me to use strength and speed to its fullest!” said Spike as he broke away and slide back a ways.
“‘Your fighting style’, what do you mean by that?” asked Hero while trying to think of a way to win.
“Dragoons are a powerful warrior class that use speed to enhance their strength. A class that only a Dragon can properly use to its full extent!”

How I would rewrite it kind of depends on how Spike became a Dragoon in the first place and what a Dragoon actually is in this story universe. Let's say a Dragoon is an elite dragon warrior, not so much a 'class' as a school of thought, or 'fighting style,' as you say. Kind of like the ninjas Bruce Wayne trains with in "Batman Begins." In order to become a Dragoon, a dragon would have to go through an extensive, strenuous training process in order to learn how to move quicker and use his strength more effectively. It also teaches dragons how to use magic more effectively, as seen in Spike's lightning attack.

So, based on that background, the conversation could go something like this:

Hero: “U-unbelievable! How can you move so quickly?”
Spike: "Surprised? It's amazing what a year with the Dragoons taught me about fighting."
Hero: "Dragoons?"
Spike: "Never heard of them? I'm not surprised. They don't show their faces very often, but when they do, you know there's bound to be trouble."
Hero: "I know what a Dragoon is! I just never thought I'd face one." (Narration: He'd heard about the elite dragon warriors, of course. It was said that only the toughest dragons could survive their training, but once they did, their strength, speed, and magical prowess would make even an alicorn think twice about challenging them. Come on, sword, help me out, Hero thought as he tightened his grip on the weapon. I'm going to need it now more than ever.)

Okay, maybe the bit about the Alicorns was a bit Stu-ish. But you see the basic method. Take the FF concept and figure out how it would apply to the rules of this universe and real life, and then work it in in whatever way fits naturally with the action and characters.

Hope that helps. Good luck! :twilightsmile:

1236530 I see what you mean there, after i read that line again it did seem...limited like you said so i changed it and removed it as a "Class" and more of just a skill he had learnt *cough* may steal some of those lines later*cough*...>.> :rainbowlaugh: and i'll try to make a point to go into detail about where he got that skill later on when it pops up. anyway i shall try my best to improve on later chapter, of course if something bugs you please dont hesitate to tell me your thoughts on the matter.:twilightsmile:

A couple of chapters in my fiction will have something like this. A tournament between different races, but the human in the battle is trying to win so he could kick the tournament holder's flank. Still, seems like a legit story!! Keep it up!

1245743 whoa cool i know of you...:rainbowlaugh: and thank you for the positive comment the next chapter will be up in a day or two!:pinkiehappy:and i like your storyy idea what is the name if you dont mind me asking?

1245946 Fallen Angel that's a link to it. And thanks for asking about it.:rainbowkiss: anyways, the chapter itself isnt up yet, but the story so far is preety good. And cant wait for the next chapter.

The hero's name is Hero.....
:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowkiss: How funny, was there a story previous to this?

1245946 and how do you know of me?

1247205 ikr?? lol but i like the name Hero so i went with it :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: but no there isent a story previous to this one. Well i've seen you al over the place commenting on storys alot being ones i've read as well.:twilightsmile::raritywink:

First, YAY AN UPDATE!! Huzzah! And I'm learning so much!

1253198 :rainbowlaugh: hope it was a good chapter for you.

The review train has arrived! :pinkiehappy:

1) I like that you gave the sword drawbacks, but I also thought Hero's training progressed too quickly. Two weeks doesn't seem like long enough for the progress you say he made.

2) I'm trying to figure out what the point of the spa scene is. It's really predictable, and Hero doesn't really strike me as the mischievous type.

3) Are your ponies anthro/humaized, or just ordinary ponies? I know we've talked about the hands, but I think clarifying this a little would be good.

4) A few of the conversations weren't very conversational, specifically the audience with Celestia and Twilight's explanation of magic. Having Hero ask more questions will break up the long info dumps and also give him a more active role.

5) Some grammar issues.

Well, hope that helps. :twilightsmile:

1255428 Well at least the swords drawback are good lol but yeah i'll see if i can't play around with that chapter some more. However i'm not the smartest guy. :rainbowlaugh:

As for the spa scene, well that kinda would be predicable no matter how you sliced it. That and it was ment to show Hero's mishchievous side, like when he accedently made the fireball explode and burnt off Twilights robes.

It was just there were no scenes to show that side of him, that was the main perpous of this chapter to show that Hero is just as human as anyone can be. Anywho thanks for the epic review always appriciate it!:pinkiehappy::rainbowwild:

nice... it will be entertaining to see where this one goes

1255965Thanks! I hope it brings joy to all even though im not as talented as others at writing! :pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

1255981
hey. its intertaining and keeps my attention thats all im worried about

1255999 It makes me happy that you like it. :rainbowlaugh::ajsmug:

Are the non human creatures anthropromorphic? It sounds like they are, and that scene with Spike and Hero peeping at the mares was pretty awesome.

1256717 Yes they are it is in the summery because i wasent 100% sure how to explain it without comming off as some boring documentry And im glad you liked it! i did when i wrote it :rainbowlaugh::rainbowwild:

The spa scene was something stevie wonder saw coming but once again great story

1256947 Hehehe as a person who reads ALOT of manga, i couldent resist it...i thought it was a good scene at least, even if what was going to happen was blindly obvious. :rainbowlaugh: And thank you so much for the positive comment im glad you like it so far.:twilightsmile:

''Her eyes flickered a emerald green'' Changlings?

1273523 Yes you are quite possibly correct on that asumption.:twilightsmile:

SHE'S A CELESTIA DAM CHANGLING !!!!!!!!

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1292375 that is the creepiest, yet nicest pic spam i've gotten, thank you. :rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

1292044 .....Nah...>.> :rainbowlaugh: im happy you like it so far!:pinkiehappy:

Hmmm. Overall, a good chapter. I like how you tied a lot of things together, but I noticed a few things I thought could be improved.

First off, I think you missed a [ / i ] tag somewhere, because almost all of it is in italics. I think it's at this line:

“What should I do, should I try to stop him now or wait…?”

Also, thoughts don't usually go in quotes.

Your paragraphs seem very short, especially in the beginning. You also have a lot of space between paragraphs.

This chapter felt a little more rushed than others. I'd suggest slowing down and describing the scenes a bit more, as well as developing your characters. It would probably be best at that point to split this chapter into two.

The way you used summoning was pretty good, though I think it would help to introduce it earlier in the story, perhaps in a different chapter. Love how you use Tom. That was a great tie-in to the show.

“Yes Rarity is a powerful Summoner; however a summoning that big takes an extremely large amount of magic. This means she can only use him once and not to mention it fatigues her.”

That last sentence throws me off. She can only use him once? Ever? In her whole life? Per battle? Well, that's not as well-defined in real life as it is in a video game. I think cutting the last sentence would work best.

On that note, show us Rarity's fatigue. Does she pass out? Fall over? You get the idea.

as she dismissed Tom.

Where does he go? 'Dismissing' is a very vague term. I know in the video game they just kind of disappear, but explaining what 'dismissing' means would be very helpful.

Twilight seemed a little out of character during the 'romantic' thingamajig. It wasn't too bad, but I think you should ease up on the romance a bit in this scene.

Finally, this thing...

You must collect the final spirit crystal if you hope to save Equestria from Chrysalis.

What? Where did that come from? This seems like a fairly important object, so it would be helpful to hear about it before this point.

Also, I'm not sure why Chrysalis bothered to introduce herself by name in the cave. It just seemed odd.

Anywho, those are my thoughts.

-EDIT- Hang on, even my comment is in italics. What?

1299289 Huh, to tell you honestly it never clicked that i left that much out.:rainbowlaugh: I will do some touch ups to try to improve those mistakes. As for Chrystalis i always pictured her as the overly confedent, arrogant type so i made her pronounce herself. Basicly that part was made to showcase Chrysalis thinking she has her victory in the bag sortof speaking.

Anywho, as always i thank you for your criticism. it helps alot, since im a beginner:twilightsmile:

i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/teh_pwnerer23/what_a_twist.jpg
blueblood? WOw... didn't like him anyway. he and discord are actually going to appear in my fanfic as well. except they consider the protagonist their best friend and are always annoying him. I just finished another chapter and i hope to post on fan fiction.net soon. Still pretty nice dude, I hope we see more TwiXHero action soon. Same with rarityXspike. :raritywink:

1299289 RPG logic my friend. I suppose... maybe.

1301420 That picture made me smile :rainbowlaugh: Thanks for enjoying the new chapter! I really enjoy these comments all of you do.:twilightsmile: And i hope to produce more good chapters in the future!:pinkiehappy: and there will be more TwixHero and SpikexRarity in later chapters it just isent the main focus in the story. and Yes RPG logic is strange but clever :rainbowlaugh:


One more thing, You must post your story soon!:flutterrage::yay::moustache: lol

1301471 It's currently on Fanfiction.net . Here's a link for it, Fallen Angel so far the protagonist Adam will be going on his first full fledged mission. He's battled dangerous carnivores, got shot and had to fight of a pony supremacist group. How cool is that? Hope you get to read it. And rock on!

chrysalis is the maid:ajbemused:

1303335 i know it was horrid lol:rainbowlaugh: but that was the most unlikely suspected job in the castle that i could think of.:twilightblush:

hmph resurrected soliders, betraying friends, the word troublesome used, what show do these all have in common hmph?

1321511 Theres a show that has all three of those items in it? Oh wait.....Damn you Shikamaru...:rainbowlaugh: btw i didn't even think about that :rainbowwild:

Nice to see a comment from you though.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::raritystarry:

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