He found himself wandering down a dark corridor. He pressed his hand against the wall, finding it cold to the touch. The floor was chilling as well, considering his bare feet. At least he had clothes on, so that was a relief. The bad news was that he couldn't see anything ahead of him. Just an endless void of darkness. He took a quick look behind him, only to find the exact same thing. He couldn't see anything beyond his current position.
He stopped walking for a second, trying to get his bearings. Where was he? Why was he here? In fact...who was he? His brain felt foggy, like someone had jumbled all of his thoughts. He couldn't make heads or tails of anything. He flattened his hands against his skull, trying to get somewhere.
Let's start with something simple. What's my name? I have to have a name.
A name...a name...there! His name was Ma—NO! His name was Swift Wing. He'd left that identity behind. He was only Swift Wing now. In fact, he wasn't supposed to be a human. He looked down at his hands, at the inherent wrongness of them. He'd given them up, they weren't supposed to be there.
As if responding to his thoughts, his body suddenly began to shift, red hair sprouting along the length of his arms and legs. His fingers retracted into his hands, and hooves grew in their place. He leaned forward as his body made the metamorphosis from bipedal to quadrupedal, his pegasus body slowly replacing his human one. He reached up with one hoof, feeling his muzzle and ears return, and a quick check behind him confirmed that his wings and tail were where they belonged as well.
Good.
A small part of him wondered exactly why his body had changed in the first place, but it wasn't loud enough for him to notice. Now, all Swift could think of was where he was. This place didn't look familiar to him. He'd been around enough of Ponyville to know that this wasn't any part of it. He took one more sweeping glance, but all he could see was the same blanket of shadow as before.
Then he heard the electrical pop as a light turned on behind him.
Swift, fearing an attack, spun around on one hoof, front legs poised, ready to fight...and froze where he stood.
No...please no...it can't be...
But it was. It was her.
She seemed to stretch upwards, taller than she'd ever been, even when he was a child. She absolutely towered over his pony body. Swift froze where he stood. His ears folded backwards, and his tail fell as he cowered before her. He already knew what was coming.
"Well, look what dragged itself in and took a dump on the carpet," she spat. "Not that you're good at anything else."
"But I...I didn't do anything..." Swift mumbled.
"Exactly. You didn't do anything. You stood around like the worthless piece of garbage you are. You know I wouldn't have to tell you this if you would endeavor to be less of a moron, right?"
"Shut up!" Swift tried to snap back, but his heart just wasn't in it.
"Oh, that's real original. Of course, you're not capable of coming up with an original thought, are you? Your brain just doesn't have the capacity to think of anything clever."
"Just leave me alone..." Swift whimpered, turning away from her, so she wouldn't see the tears starting to form in his eyes.
But she didn't stop. Her whole body began to contort, spreading until it took over the entire room, turning a shade of inky black. Her eyes glowed yellow as they bored into his soul, and no matter where he turned, they were always right in front of his face.
"Do you honestly think that these ponies will accept a freak like you?" she demanded. "That, once they find out what a loser you are, they won't just ditch you? You'll be just as pathetic on this planet. Just do everyone a favor and—"
"ENOUGH!"
A blinding blue glare emerged from the darkness, forcing Swift to clamp his eyes shut to block it out. She kept talking, but her words were drowned out by the rushing of air past his ears. The light continued to flare, obliterating the darkness, and with it, her. Soon it was gone, and Swift was alone in the hallway.
Or, so he thought.
"Swift Wing, are you alright?"
Swift looked up, discovering that bright blue light, while diminished, was still glowing quite a bit. An alicorn was stepping out of the light, into his view.
"Oh, Princess Luna!" he gasped out, before he remembered to bow. He sure what the proper etiquette was for this situation, they hadn't shown it in depth on the show.
"Rise, my little pony. I come to you merely as a friend," Luna insisted. Swift obeyed, getting to his hooves and wiping his tears away once again.
"So, I guess this is just another nightmare, right?" he asked, carefully moving his wings so that his flanks were covered.
"Just a dream," Luna replied. "There is nothing that may harm you here, at least not physically. I ask again, are you alright?"
Swift mentally conjured up a tissue, blowing his nose quickly. "I-I'm fine," he insisted, "just some bad memories. I'm sure you can relate."
Luna nodded. "Who was that...being, may I ask? I didn't get a clear look at her, but..."
"Somepony unpleasant. From my past," Swift explained. "Somepony I'd rather forget. Thanks for getting rid of her."
Luna looked at the pegasus with a quizzical expression. Swift felt a little like a bug being examined under a microscope. He was genuinely grateful for Luna's help, but she was getting a bit too close for his comfort. He felt a little guilty for thinking that, considering she was one of his favorites from the show.
"Are you certain you are well? I understand you may not know me very well, but if you are troubled, I'm willing to lend you my ear."
Swift shook his head. "I appreciate the offer, Princess, but this is something I'd rather keep to myself. I-I'm not really comfortable sharing my private life with others. Please don't take it personally, I'd be the same with anypony."
Luna eyed him a little more, but eventually, she must've seen the logic in his words. Silently, she turned on one hoof, reopening the portal she used to enter the dream.
"I will respect your wishes, Swift Wing," she replied. "Farewell."
With that, she departed, leaving Swift alone with his thoughts. However, after the nightmare his mind had conjured up, Swift wasn't so sure that was the best place to be.
As the days went on, Swift Wing began to settle into a comfortable routine. He'd report to work early in the morning, take a break for lunch, then work until the evening. After that, if Rainbow Dash was available that day, they'd return to flying lessons. Rainbow was no drill sergeant, but she did push him pretty hard, forcing him to keep building up strength in his wings. The good news was that he was beginning to show progress, managing to stay stable in the air for longer and longer. Soon, they'd be moving on from gliding to actual ascension, and Rainbow assured him it would be the best feeling in the world. Swift had smiled at that thought, grateful that he'd transformed into a pegasus. Not that being a unicorn or an earth pony would've been particularly bad, he'd just always wanted to fly.
At the current moment, Swift Wing was polishing the roof on top of Carousel Boutique, having managed to get just enough wind under his wings to get to the top. Rarity was out, thankfully, working at another of her boutiques. Swift didn't look forward to meeting her again, having to explain his freakout the last time they talked.
"Excuse me, Swift Wing?" came a small voice from down below.
Swift froze in the midst of his cleaning, knowing exactly who that voice belonged to. He looked down to the ground, and sure enough, there was Fluttershy, Angel Bunny as present as ever on her back.
"Oh, h-hi," he stammered."N-nice to see you again, Fluttershy."
"I hope you don't mind, but I asked Hard Hoof where you'd be working today, and he told me you'd probably be here right now, and I really wanted to talk to you."
Swift silently cursed Hard Hoof for giving the timid pegasus that information, then immediately felt bad about it.
"Well, if you want to talk, could you please fly up there?" he asked, pointing to a loose cloud that'd been left adjacent to the boutique. "I'd love to talk, but I don't want to quit in the middle of this."
"Certainly," replied Fluttershy. She flapped her wings, flying up and landing on the cloud, Angel holding on tight.
"So," Swift began, as he cleaned another blemish off the roof, "I suppose you wanted to ask about my rather sudden...departure from our lunch the other day."
Fluttershy nodded. "I know, it's probably very private, but—"
"No, no, I understand. It's only natural to be curious. Besides, after what I said, and the way I ran out on you girls, I wouldn't blame you for being worried."
Though he was putting on a face of normalcy, internally, Swift was nervous. Over the past few days, he'd been trying to come up with a believable backstory for himself that he could tell ponies who asked, but he hadn't managed to fine-tune it as much as he would've liked. While he was reasonably sure he'd eliminated any inconsistencies, the story he had right now was uncomfortably close to the truth (obviously, he wouldn't reference anything about his true nature, but still). At least he wasn't telling anything super out of the ordinary. And Fluttershy's curiosity would have to be sated sooner or later.
"So, you were talking about having everything fall apart, and having to start over," Fluttershy began. "I'm guessing that's something you have...experience with?"
"Essentially," Swift replied, doing his best to keep his voice calm. "It wasn't...one big event where my life fell to pieces, or anything like that. It was pretty gradual. I stopped seeing my friends, stopped talking to other ponies. I was pretty much non-existent. I couldn't find much reason to keep going where I was, so...I wandered Equestria for little while. Lived off what bits I had saved up. Eventually, I heard about Ponyville, and it sounded like a nice enough place to kick back and start all over. Now, here I am."
Fluttershy had a sympathetic look on her face. "That sounds horrible!" she exclaimed. "All your friends just deserted you? Why would they do something so cruel?"
"I guess they just got tired of dealing with my problems. In hindsight, it was at least partially my fault for not making a ton of effort to keep in contact. I've accepted it, though." Swift continued scrubbing, a slightly forlorn expression on his face. "Besides, Ponyville so far seems comfortable enough that I can just forget all those problems."
Fluttershy smiled happily. "I'm glad you've adjusted. It can be hard to start completely over with a new environment. I had to start over when I moved from Cloudsdale to Ponyville."
Swift smiled. "Thanks for understanding, Fluttershy," he said. "I guess there's a reason you're the Element of Kindness."
Fluttershy blushed a little at the compliment, but recovered quickly. "Are you sure there's nothing you need me to do for you? I'm not the most social pony, but Pinkie Pie is really good at helping ponies get out of their shells. I could ask her, it wouldn't be any trouble."
"No, thank you," Swift insisted. "I'm already on my way to making friends in this town. I'm not having any real problems right now."
"Alright, if you're sure," said Fluttershy. She flapped her wings, taking off from the cloud. "Well, I've got some errands to run, so I'll see you later."
"See you," Swift said with a wave. The butter yellow pegasus flew off, leaving Swift alone. He released the breath he'd been holding, feeling like he'd dodged the closest thing to a bullet one could find in Equestria.
After finishing his shift, Swift Wing found himself wandering aimlessly through Ponyville. Rainbow Dash wasn't available for flight lessons today, so his evening was to be spent however he wanted. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, though. All he knew was he wasn't in the mood for a long, solo training session. He'd eaten, so that was taken care of.
Then, an idea came to him. He may have watched the show, but that didn't mean he automatically knew everything about this world. There could be gaps in his knowledge that could possibly blow his cover, and he had to ensure those gaps were covered quickly. There was one place where he could learn everything about Equestria, and that was the library.
Twilight's castle wasn't easy to miss, being the largest building in the entire town, and also made out of gleaming crystal. Swift trotted up to the steps, climbing his way to the entrance. He quietly hoped he wouldn't have to actually speak with the Princess of Friendship herself, considering she was probably the one most likely to figure out what he was, but he was reasonably sure he wouldn't give himself away if they did meet.
As he reached the door, it suddenly swung open, revealing a very strange creature. It looked like a moose and some sort of green insect had a baby, with bright purple eyes, great orange horns, and sparkling gossamer wings folded onto its back.
It took a second, but Swift recognized what stood before him. "Oh, K-King Thorax!" he stammered, nearly tripping and falling backwards down the stairs in the process. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to get in your way—"
"It's fine," replied the changeling, "you didn't do anything wrong. And please, you can just call me Thorax. I never cared much for that 'king' stuff."
"A-alright. If you insist," replied Swift, standing aside so that Thorax could descend the stairs. He wondered for a moment why the changeling was even here today. He shrugged it off, reasoning that it was none of his business.
With one more quick glance at the departing changeling, Swift strolled into the castle, feeling the crystal cool to the touch on his hooves. The interior of the structure was as massive as expected, with the ceiling stretching higher up than Swift was capable of flying. Several hallways led out in various directions, but thankfully, there was a directory right at the front, indicating which way led to the library sector. Swift smiled to himself, thankful for Twilight's organizational skills.
Swift then headed down the hallway, reaching the library in a matter of minutes. No other ponies were present at the time. The only one there was Spike, who was re-shelving books many feet above the floor with the use of his wings. Swift's mind wandered, remembering how strange it was to see Spike with those wings. He'd barely met the dragon at his welcoming party, but Spike had been on screen for seven and a half years without them.
Suddenly, the small dragon noticed his guest. "Oh, hey, Swift Wing!" he exclaimed, shoving the last book into the shelf and flying down to meet the pegasus. "How are you doing today? You're not here to make an appointment with Twilight, right?"
"Nope, I'm just here to check out some books," replied Swift. "I was just hoping I could get some material about history, and things like that."
"Coming right up!" Spike answered, flying up to the history section. Swift breathed a small sigh of relief. Spike hadn't even thought about asking him to get to books himself, meaning he wouldn't have to tell the dragon his secret, where it would undoubtedly find its way back to Twilight. He guessed the little guy was just that nice.
"Let's see, what exactly are you looking for? We have Historical Footnote's 'A Basic History of Equestria' volume I-III, Clover the Clever's 'Unrest Before the Unification,' and, ooh, 'A Modern Recounting of Equestria's Legacies,' by Fact Checker..."
"You know what? Let's just go with all of those," Swift spoke up. "I'm sure I can get through them pretty quickly."
"If you're sure," Spike replied. He grabbed the five books, one at a time, pulling them down and passing them to Swift. Swift scribbled his name down five times in the register, next to the appropriate book titles, before slipping them into his saddlebags.
"Thanks for your help, little buddy," he said politely, holding out one hoof. Spike shook it.
"No problem," replied the dragon. "That's why I'm the number one assistant—"
There was a thump as a door opened up behind him. Spike turned around, and Swift directed his eyes to the door, finding Starlight Glimmer standing there, her horn glowing from shoving the door open.
"Spike! Would you mind closing the library a little early today?" she asked. "We're gonna need you for this next part." She noticed their guest. "Hi, Swift Wing."
"Hey, Starlight," said Swift, waving. "Don't worry about me, I already got what I needed."
"Yeah, he's good," said Spike. "Twilight's working on a pretty big project right now. I'd tell you more about it, but, y'know, official Princess business."
Starlight laughed a little bit at Spike's joke.
Swift nodded. "Thanks for your help again," he replied, making sure his saddlebags were secure and leaving the castle.
oooohhhhh, this is getting good!
Keep it up my dude!
The delivery of this story is generally good. It flows well. It reads easily.
But I do have some reservations about the premise. What exactly the the central _problem_ in this story? We have a person with a troubled past of which we know almost nothing. He is in Equestria now, away from whatever those troubles were, and everybody is being nice to him. Twilight and company are worried about something having come through the barrier between worlds, but we the audience know that the protagonist is what came through.
So what is the problem that these characters now seek to overcome?
Well, Swift Wing has no problems, really. He left them behind on Earth. Sure, he had some adapting to do, but he has a job and a place to live, he's managed to blend in, he's getting flight lessons...the only real problem he has is that he apparently feels the need to keep his background a secret. And Twilight and company don't really have any problems either, because as soon as Swift Wing lets them know that he's what came through the barrier instead of a world-conquering monster...they no longer have anything to worry about. Or rather, they already don't have anything to worry about, but they just don't know it yet like the reader does, because Swift Wing isn't talking.
And that's just it.
The problem in this story...is simply that the protagonist isn't talking. If he would simply open up to these ponies that he 1) already knows, 2) likes well enough to abandon Earth to come be with them, 3) has already had it verified that they're friendly and helpful and accepting...if he would simply talk to them then his problems about keeping his background a secret would go away, and everypony else's problems about not knowing what came through the barrier would go away. And what reason does he have to not talk to them? The only erason that's been implied by the story is that he has some sort of vague fear based on the past that they might "think he's a loser" and "ditch" him. A fear that has only been loosely inserted after six chapters, a fear that is completely unsubstantiated by anything that has actually happened in the story, a fear that Luna has twice now shown up to let him know that she stands ready to assist with. Why isn't he talking?
This story is essentially a variation on an Idiot Plot. Every problem in the story would instantly vanish if this guy would simply spend 30 seconds telling Twilight what's going on. And the only reason he has to not do that...is to keep the story going.
10216851
You raise some good points.
The problem that needs to be overcome is mostly Swift's internal problems. I've only really hinted at the truth as to why he decided to completely abandon his entire world for Equestria. As to why he doesn't just tell the ponies about that...well, Swift, if i didn't make it one hundred percent clear already, has a hard time opening up. There's a reason I still haven't shown his Cutie Mark. He's on friendly terms with some of the Mane Six, but he wouldn't call them real "friends" at this point. More like "friendly acquaintances." Not to mention, he's terrified that if they find out what he is, they'll force him to go back whether he wants to or not. Granted, there may not be a real basis for that fear, given that Sunset Shimmer got away with ditching her entire universe in this world. But Swift comes from our world, and in real life, would you really consider somebody who ditched their entire universe to be a good person?
10216889
I think I would be fairly ambivalent to it. Doing it wouldn't "make them" a good person. But it wouldn't make them a bad person either. People move to new cities all the time. Sometimes people move to different countries and starts their lives over. Is an American who decides to teach English in China a bad person because they're leaving behind their birth country and people they know? No, I see no problem with this. What's wrong with leaving behind a universe?
But at the same time he's also gone directly to Rainbow to ask for flying lessons, he's nonchalently accepted going on a lunch date with Rarity, you've had him very assertively go charging in to ask questions of Fluttershy, he's stood up to Luna twice now...it's not like the guy is shy or scared of ponies or confrontation. Overall I get the impression that he just doesn't like himself very much.
Then why is he staying in Ponyville and delberately hanging out with the Mane Six? He clearly knows the show. If he's not a complete idiot he should realize that if anypony is going to out him, it's going to be exactly these ponies. Or Discord, who also hangs out in Ponyville.
If he's so terrified of this, why do you have him doing exactly the thing that will inevitably result in him being found out, when all has to do is go anywhere else?
10216951
Yeah, that's pretty on point. Swift has some serious self-esteem issues.
Okay, I can't argue with that one. My reason for putting him in Ponyville was just that he happened to be close enough, but that doesn't excuse it. I should've had him plan to save up to move to Manehattan or something.
10216962
But...you can't have him do that, right? Because the story that you wanted to write was him becoming friends with the Mane Six and then through the power of friendship, he overcomes his personal issues while they discover that the thing they've been worrying about was never really a threat and oh-by-the-way Princess Luna knew all along because she saw what he was in the dream world on day one but decided to give him the space that he needed to heal, so he never needed to worry either. So we end up with symmetry between the two plot threads, because both ponies and human spent their entire time worrying over a problem that was never a problem.
That was the plan, right?
I'm not sure how that happens if he moves to Manehatten. And it probably won't be very satisfying for either you as an author to suddenly scrap the premise mid-story and write about something that wasn't what you wanted to write, or for us as readers to see him suddenly change his whole plan and walk away from the relationships he's started to form.
Your delivery is good. The writing is fluid. This makes a very easy read. But this premise you've delivered seems like it's painted you into a corner.
I mean...hey, if you have a plan that makes everything work...ok, great! But this just seems like the kind of setup that probably ends with us readers becoming increasingly frustrated as we watch a protagonist spin in the circle of being the cause of his own problem for no reason while refusing to act in a manner that makes sense given the problem he's created for himself.
That wasn't exactly the plan, no. Luna hasn't looked into his mind deep enough to know what he is, and I had a different sort of ending in mind. Maybe it won't be as satisfying as that. I'm not gonna have him go back to our world, but hopefully it'll be more interesting.
10216889
It depends. Under certain circumstances, I wouldn't blame 'em.
10218087
I have to agree, and this can be, in essence, just him moving to another place but in this case its a one way trip.
Of course, it's not Fluttershy he has to worry about on that score.
Pinkie Pie is the one with several devices designed to forcefully expel high speed projectiles.
10216851
The problem is he fears that they would send him back