• Member Since 23rd Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Apr 24th, 2014

UK-Brony


I am a British brony with a love of 3 things
Muse, CoD Zombies and MLP FiM

New to writing so I may suck. You have been warned!

Got Xbox? Add me! x Cteno x

Btw Im 17...


T

Rainbow Dash thinks her life is great, but there is something missing. When she bumps into Ponyville's resident mailmare, she may just find the missing something...

(This is being written as i go along so i don't know what other characters will appear!)

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 81 )

This has the potential to become a pretty good and heartfelt story.
I like it when someone gives a bit more of a history to characters that
we don't know alot about. :pinkiesmile:

Unusual pairings are always nice experiments to both the writer and
reader. After seeing hundreds of appledash fics I'd like to read something
else for once. :applejackunsure::rainbowhuh:

Keep up the good work, the only thing that I didn't like was
how short it was. :yay:

classic derpy. muffins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:derpytongue2::pinkiehappy:

well done i really injoined it but you may know me though :pinkiehappy:

classic derpy though:derpytongue2::derpyderp2::derpyderp1:

i thought that he did quite well condisering that it was hi first go and can u go to my book thank you ps it was quite long

Very good read dude. I'm sorry I wasn't able to read it sooner (college finals and all that :raritywink:)
I like this story a lot and I'm glad someone's pairing up my two most favorite ponies in all of Equestria.
Thank you.c:twilightsmile::derpytongue2:

74839 dont mention it.:pinkiehappy: i noticed a severe lack of DitzyDash on the internet so im addressing the balance:derpytongue2: chapter 2 has been in the works and should be uploaded within the next 12-24 hours due to my home computer acting up. Laptop hopefully soon so i can write all i like!!!:rainbowkiss: Merry Xmas everypony!!!:scootangel:

This is.. Excellent! :yay:

You have a way of conveying certain emotions
to the reader. :pinkiehappy:

Keep up the good work I will be looking forward to
the coming chapters!

hello ur online

Cool story, bro.
Keep up the awesome. :pinkiehappy:
Thanks for the accreditation by the way. :raritywink:

“It’s alrite.” - Alright

Also, remember to capatalize (Yes, I'm correcting grammar when I can't even spell capatalize.) the i!

I wasn't looking for mistakes so I didn't get much. I shall try to tune in for more!

"Those striking colours in her mane, her beautiful eyes, her perfect figure, her flank... Ditzy blushed at that slightly naughty thought. Wait, did she seriously just think about another mare that way?"

NO. NO NO NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

NEVER EVER USE THAT HORRIBLE LINE AGAIN. That is by far the LAZIEST way to introduce a possible romantic connection. Fanfiction, as much as I love it, is entirely to blame for popularizing that terrible, AWFUL cliche. There are literally dozens of infinitely better ways you could introduce the 'love connection.' Normally I would leave some examples, but reading that particular line makes me rage at fanfiction in general, so I'm gonna go cool down instead. -_- Easily my biggest pet-peeve, and I generally stop reading a story the moment I spot it. I refrain this time only because I believe you and your story have a great deal of promise, and I would like to see it blossom into the masterpiece I believe it could eventually become.

79534
I have got to agree on that one to be honest.
I despise it myself because it indicates that the character
has never had those kinds of feelings before. wich is pretty
much impossible. You don't just wake up one day and be like
You know what, I think I like girls/boys or whatever.

But I do like this story alot :pinkiehappy:

79534 looking back at that, yea that is quite a stupid error:facehoof: i suppose i should edit it or something. Only reason i done that was because Ditzy has Dinky so i thought she was straight, but going so long without a relationship had given her time to realise that love had no gender. Anyways ill make sure to edit if you think it will improve the overall quality.:pinkiehappy:

Very well-written, and interesting plot! :yay:

mhmmm I wonder where this is going. :pinkiesmile:
I shall await the next chapter!

Oh and Merry Christmas to you my friend. :twilightsmile:

hoh my gawd i like this

Wow.

Ditzy may have liked Rainbow Dash, but to just do that, she seriously must have been PLASTERED.

Loved chapter

*track*

You've just stunned me. :rainbowderp:

Before you asked for help, I had planned out Lyric's life (mostly) and why he had moved to Ponyville. I am pleased to say that you have hit his life dead on, every detail is exact to my plan for Lyric.

Anyway, good job, bro! Can't wait for the next chapter! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Upon request, here's a review! :moustache: I first provide edits and writing review, then I provide the review of the story and everything else! Just skip ahead to the ******* if you wish to skip the edits and writing criticism.

Make sure that for numbers, unless they are considerably large numbers, ALWAYS write it out. For example in the first paragraph you say '5' when it should be 'five'
'She never knew how fast she was... Oh wait yea she did!' This part suggests that the narrator is not omnipotent, but your narrative is already omnipotent third-person. Narration needs to be both unbiased (Except First person, which then it can be) and consistent.
'300 yards........ 200 yards......... 100 yards.......' This can be better interpreted as such: 'The finish line seemed to be 300 yards away, but quickly decreased to 200, then 100' Or something along the line. I personally would have used 'Three-hundred' and so on, but I've seen some wonderful authors who use number symbols for three digit numbers.
“Just 5 more minutes” This needs to be indented into a new paragraph. It's a persons speech. ALWAYS indent when a new person is speaking.
'When she wasn’t busy being 20% cooler than all of the other ponies in the town below her' No. The joke is overused, and is an unnecessary sentence. Being cooler in the sentence suggests she's actually doing something whether than settling on a cloud and listening to sounds. She can be both cool and do that, because 'cool' is not a verb, but you already knew that.
'she enjoyed nothing more than settling down on her bed and just listening to the sounds. Or lack of them.' Can't start a sentence with 'Or'. Just remember, you can't start a sentence with something that refers to something in the last sentence. A 'sentence' with 'or' is a dependent clause. You can't use Or, But, As or Because to begin a sentence.
I'd suggest not using words to move the view point. If you separate the passage with a --- or *** then we'll know the scene has changed, and when you start talking about Ditzy Doo, we can tell it's not the same scene.
It's Depot not Depo. I understand why you misspelled it, the T is silent.
'She loved her job. Getting to meet other ponies, fresh air, exercise, as well as providing a steady income for her and Dinky to live on.' This can be connected with a semi-colon. If I took out the first sentence, we don't know what the purpose of listing that stuff off is, and because of that it makes it a dependent sentence. semi-colon will fix that right up!
I'm going to start editing at this point unless you want me to. Here's some things i liked as far as literary devices!
I like your metaphors. Truly, I do:
'After finally managing to silence the deafening roar of her bedside nemesis,' Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Metaphors are perfect for showing the reader
how the character feels without telling them. If you keep anything, it's that.
The ways you express characters emotions is fine, and you do a lot of showing the reader instead of telling them, if you understand what I mean.
**************************************
Story itself disregarding the writing: I give it a 4/5. It's intriguing, and I feel it has a lot of promise. Of course, I am only reviewing the first chapter. It doesn't beat around the bush, but at the same time it dives in a little fast at points. There's no real hook yet, but I'm intrigued enough to read it. The two paragraphs where it comes back to RD is a little pointless.
These are mostly my opinions that either come from my writing or what I've seen from successful authors. If you feel something is misinterpreted or wrong, then that's fine, it's not all truth, it's my opinion.

Here we go again! :rainbowkiss:
Literary elements and writing critique:
'The choice of goods was almost endless, literally an A-Z of cupcake flavors.' A third person narrator that is omnipotent (which yours is) should always be correct, which means 'literally' is moot in the sentence. If we wanted to talk about something that the narrator wasn't sure about, for example if there weren't A-Z of flavor cupcakes, we can say this. 'The choice of goods was almost endless, almost as though there were A-Z of cupcake flavors.' Or something along the lines.
'They’re just some special party cakes i made for a ‘Welcome To Ponyville Party’ i’m holding later”' I'm sure this is a simple mistake, but just look at those I's! So small and helpless. Let's capitalize them! It's a simple mistake, so it's not THAT big of a deal.:twilightblush:
'“Hehe, I guess that means it’s time to eat something.” Chuckled Rainbow. “I’ll take two of those Apple cupcakes.”' I personally would have worded it like this, it just sounds better to me and more organized. '“Hehe," chuckled Rainbow. "I guess that means it’s time to eat something. I’ll take two of those Apple cupcakes."' But there's nothing wrong with the way you worded it, I just think what I put down sounds better. :twilightblush: Do as you wish though.
'“I didn’t?” Said Pinkie.' asked Pinkie. Although it's a rhetorical question, it's still a question none the less. :pinkiegasp:
'Rainbow gave a nod to Pinkie, paid her for the cupcakes, and turned to leave, but there was still a question nagging in the back of her mind.' To avoid this sounding like a run on sentence, we can word it like this: 'Rainbow gave a nod to Pinkie, paid her for the cupcakes, and turned to leave; there was still a question nagging in the back of her mind, however.'
'Coltifornia' I love it. :rainbowlaugh:
'“Ok.” Said Rainbow.' spell out okay, it reads a lot better. Most people will know what you mean, but imagine a person where English is their second language. They may think you misspelled 'oak' or something.
'-A Few Minutes Later-' can be replaced by a simple ---------- or ********. The reader can infer that already or something close to that by the next paragraph.
'“Wow, those were great!”' Even though we know it's RD speaking, still need to make a new paragraph for her speech.
'“Oh good!” Said Dash,' Oi, mate, use powerful language! '"Oh good!" Explained Dash in relief,'
'“Yeah sure!” Said Rainbow.' I can't take the 'said's anymore! 'Yeah sure!" exclaimed Rainbow' or '"Yeah sure!" rejoiced Rainbow.' (Rejoicing because she can make the situation better)
'“You know what, I never got your name.”' Press your enter key. New pony talking. Same with RD's next dialogue.
'made Ditzy feel, relaxed.' that comma isn't necessary.
'but i have to go.' oops! capitalize that I, Brony! :raritywink:
'8ish' :rainbowhuh: 'eight-ish.'
'Did Rainbow really just call her young?' there needs to be a 'thought Ditzy' after that, or else it sounds like the narrator is asking the question. It's a bit subjective though, depending on your writing style, that's just what I read at first though, and had to re-read the sentence.
-------------------
Story review:
Me Gusta. :moustache: It has a nice hook, in this chapter, and the way you have the characters interact is quite good. You do the writing style where you show the reader instead of telling them how they feel; you need to work on however more expressions with dialogue. using 'Said' all the time dulls the story. Overall, I liked it. It just needs some edits and it's all good.
4.5 :ajsmug:

Another job well done mate. I was awaiting this one for quite some time now. :twilightsmile:
And.. is that my name!? :pinkiegasp: I feel so famous. Thanks for the shout out. :twilightblush:
I shall await the upcoming chapters.

I am refreshing my tracked list as we speak!! :pinkiecrazy:

Nice chapter. I look forward to chapter 5

Looks like things are getting cereal between them.

Oh Ditzy the others simply just don't understand, but not that it matters now that you're... 20% cooler with RD.:moustache:

I too am looking forwards for more, I simply demand it soon.

And yes it IS the famous Vozzlefox!:heart:

0_0..........:derpyderp2::rainbowkiss: this pleases me

99976 because my computer has gone funny! Just randomly loses power so chapter 5 is gonna take a while (2-3 days at most) thanks for taking an interest in my story though. Appreciate it.

It's good it really caught me and now I need the next chapter hehe, also I can't wait to see the reaction of the filly

Keep the good work:pinkiesmile:

i have an idea of what happens:

dinky comes home, and hears moaning from ditzy's room

dinky goes into ditzy's room

CHAOS ENSUES

it was all discord's idea

80021 there's nothing wrong with it in my opion. granted it does sound obvious but what ya do is what ya do. actually can someone tell me how the hell is ditzy's husband?:rainbowhuh:

well this stroy's in my top 10. finaly ditzy get's some love! i can't wait until chapeter 5.:moustache:

108394
Nopony knows! But it is generally believed that he left her and she's a single mom now. :fluttercry:

108394
Or that he passed away, both are common.

108495108417 read chapter 1 a bit closer...
It should become clear...
107374 gonna have to wait my friend...

Wonderful Chapter, I really liked it :heart:. I always look forward to this story's updates :twilightsmile:

great chapter. cannot wait for the next update

I want you to know that I danced a bit in joy when I saw the update.
You pay good attention to detail, I like that in a story. Good job. :pinkiesmile:

Ah, childhood innocence.

On a different note, MOAR

Ditzy . . . Okay thanks to this story, Ditzy is now personal BEST pony. The way you described her loneliness made me just want to hug her and be like,

"Don't worry, I'll be your friend forever and ever :')"

MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

i love your work. i loved how dinky thought it was a tickle fight. :rainbowlaugh:

I was originally going to give criticism, but this story has 4.8 stars. I'm used to people not taking it because of how well their story is doing. I like it, so I'll jsut leave it at that.

112813 awesome. cheers bro
No criticism from a critic? Suppose it must be good...:yay:

112876
I usually read it the first time through just so I can enjoy it, then I criticize it going through again. I only read it as a normal reader this time.

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