The Journey
By: That Drunk Pony
Spike the dragon, Princess Twilight Sparkle's number one assistant, was now in exile from Ponyville. The ruling on Spike was near unanimous that he be exiled. Even the harborers of the Elements of Harmony shunned him. Applejack didn’t want to hear him, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy always avoided him, Rarity told him to never come back, and even Twilight, his best friend, told him that there was no home for him here.
So Spike left Ponyville in exile to find a new home. The last time anypony saw him was when he took the Pony Express headed far away from Ponyville. But what happened that could have caused this much disarray? Only Spike knows.
As the train entered a tunnel, Spike started to reflect on the events that happened. Speaking to himself in total sadness, “Why wouldn’t they believe me?” Spike questioned, “After all the years I helped them? All the times we had? All the years we had been friends? But they were so quick to sever all the bonds.” Spike then yelled out “Well who needs them!” He noticed some of the other passengers were staring his way and he sat down quietly thinking again.
Once they got out of the tunnel the conductor had said, “We are arriving at Canterlot. We hope you enjoyed the Pony Express.”
“Before I disappear forever, there is one thing I must do.” Spike said as he departed the train. He then headed for the Royal Palace. As he walked by, he saw many old places that he and Twilight used to go to when they lived in Canterlot. As he was reminiscing, he started to get teary eyed, but stopped himself from crying.
After walking the streets of Canterlot, he finally reached the Royal Palace. It looks just as he remembered it. Tall, beautiful, a nice regal appearance, and stood out from the rest of the city. As he approached the door the guards stopped him.
“I am here to see the Princess” Spike had said with slightly saddened tone.
“We cannot let you pass unless you were personally invited here by the Princess” the Guards had stated.
“But I need to see her, she knows me personally” Spike had demanded” “I am Spike, Twilight Sparkle’s assistant.” ‘Well ex assistant’ Spike thought to himself.
“Sorry, but that is the rules around here. We can’t just bend them any time a pony or dragon in your case wishes to see her. Do you realize how many people want to see Celestia? If you want you want you can see her three weeks from now, when she will be available to the people.
Spike then was furiously thinking to himself ‘There is no way I can wait that long, I have to see her now.’ Spike then walked away with an angry face which slowly became an upset face. He walked until a pony recognized him.
“Hey Spike! It's good to see you around again!” the unknown pony said.
Spike then turned to see it was Pony Joe outside of his store. “Oh hey Joe” Spike had said with a still saddened voice.
Joe noticed his sad tone and asked, “Spike what’s the matter? Is it girl troubles? Come in my shop.”
Spike didn’t really have anything else to do so he took Pony Joe’s invitation.
“So Spike, what has you looking so bitter?”
“Well I don’t think the news reached here, but I was banished from Ponyville.” Spike then started to get teary eyed again. “Even my friends shunned me. I came to Canterlot to speak with the Princess before I left forever, but now the guards won’t even allow me to see her until three weeks. I don’t even know how I will last that long.”
Joe could see his pain. “I am sorry to hear that Spike. You need to calm down.”
Spike realized he was on top of the chair. “Yeah, sorry you had to see that.”
Joe thought of an idea that would benefit the both of them. “Well if you need a place to stay then why not stay with me and my family. As long as you help around the shop of course.”
Spike pondered only for a second. “Well I don’t really have a choice I suppose. I will take that offer.”
So now Pony Joe took Spike to introduce him to his wife and kids. They climb a set of stairs in the back of the shop. When they got to the second floor, Spike was met with a very warm reception. The Joe’s daughter, Candy Dumpling Joe, but most just call her Candy Dumpling. She is a very hyper active filly no older than those of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. When she saw Spike she charged at him and hugged him to the ground.
“OH MY GOD A DRAGON!!” The young filly had yelled.
Hearing this reminded him of the CMC. Of all the ponies only they had defended him before he was exiled so it made him smile just a little. During his flashbacks he noticed things going dark. “I can’t breathe!” the dragon said with his nearly last bit of air.
She loosened her grip as Spike turned blue. “Oh I'm so sorry. It's just I always wanted to meet a dragon, although I was expecting you to be much bigger.”
Spike then looked at Pony Joe who was looking away with a smirk on his face. It was like he planned this as a gift for his daughter, but Spike didn’t dwell too much on that.
Spike then was greeted by Joe’s wife who had been cooking dinner. “Hi there, Joe is this another one of your friends?”
“Yes, he's a friend from the past. He will be staying here for the next three weeks helping around with the business and will be foal sitting for us.”
Spike then thought to himself, ‘I didn’t agree to foal sitting. That was underhanded of him.’
Just then his wife had a fairly large smile on her face. She seemed excited of the idea. “Well then it's a pleasure to meet you Mr....”
“Oh sorry, I am Spike. It's a pleasure to meet you.” Just then Spike’s stomach started to grumble. He then blushed as his cheeks on his face turned pinkish.
“Well Spike, you came just in time for dinner.” Joe’s wife said grinning.
After dinner, Pony Joe showed Spike to his room. It was a simple guest room that had a T.V. and its own queen size bed. As Spike looked around the room, Pony Joe had told Spike to wake up early tomorrow for his first task. He then went to bed and Spike started watching T.V. in the bed. "I'm glad that Equestrian technology now has magically powered T.V.'s. One useful thing they got from the Human World."
Spike now thinking to himself ‘Well this isn’t so bad after all. I just hope these tasks won’t be too harsh.’ Spike then turned off the T.V. and fell asleep with a smile.
But for what crime was Spike exiled ?
If this was a 'troll move' done by either Twilight or Celestia... they will need to be punished
Cool story so far
Soldier on Spike, soldier on.
one grammatical error that I saw: "...but now the guards won’t even allow me to see her until three weeks."
it should've been: "...to see her for three weeks."
otherwise, very good opening and I can't wait to read more (I have a feeling that Celestia will punish joe and them for 'harboring a fugitive' or something... )
beirirangu >> Well at least it was only 1 mistake, but at least I can fix it now. thanks
HungryPony >> the story is gonna slowly reveal what happened. its trying to capture the readers attention with a mystery.
1121386 Spamming junk mail to Celestia? :
1122826 Maybe,maybe not.
1121386 he was exiled for being a dragon.
1121398 ill get my bat, and my army of the undead.
1121974 but they only said he was banished from ponyville.
whens the new chapter coming out this is not bad for your first.
1126784 I know can't I have a feeling about something
Only if Spike was drunk when he "committed" the crime,then I will call this story: "Spike's bad scale day"(Brohoofs to everypony who got the reference)
1128134 You my friend have just stumbled upon an idea that someone must do. BFD is the best reference
1128848 Brohoof to you pal /).Got any ideas who would be who in a mlp version of "Conker's bad fur day"?
Ok... You wanted some criticism? Well, I'm certainly not the best critic in TWE, but I'm fairly good
Alrighty, let's get started. *cracks knuckles*
1. Correct names: The
is actually called the Friendship Express.
is actually named Appleloosa.
2. Stiff dialogue: Your dialogue seems a bit strained in some places, which can be helped through the use of more descriptions, emotions and actions.
could be better. For example:
'The train emerged from the tunnel, bathing the carriage once more in natural light. Through the window Spike could see the proud city of Canterlot growing closer by the second.
"Mares and gentlecolts, we will shortly be arriving in Canterlot. Please change for services to Manehatten and Los Pegasus or remain aboard for Appleloosa. Please mind the gap when departing the train!" announced the conductor, striding through the carriage.'
Also, just a little niggle for me, Appleloosa is past Ponyville, so the train would need to go back through there to reach Appleloosa Here's the map of Equestria, for reference.
3. Typography: This isn't massively important, but I noticed how you put the title and author name at the top of the story in regular text. If you want, I could teach you to do a title like this. That is, if you want
4. Development of scenes: One great way of engaging the reader is making the scenes come to life through description and development. Here's one of your sentences:
You could easily turn that into something like this, or develop it even further!
'Spike hurried through the gleaming streets of Canterlot, marvelling at its stylish architecture. Even though he had spent most of his childhood here, it still took his breath away. The street was packed with ponies, many of whom were wearing fancy clothes and hats. Spike disliked dressing up, unless it was Rarity that... He sighed heavily. 'Rarity...' he thought sadly. 'We could have been together, happy. If only I had just...' Spike knocked into a stallion accidentally.
"Watch where you are going, young ruffian!" the unicorn declared, trotting off with his head held high. Spike continued dejectedly towards the Royal Castle. Perhaps Princess Celestia would have some advice for him.
5. Spelling and Grammar: Unfortunately I don't have time to do a full edit, but this should give you an idea of the things to look out for. I suggest you find a pre-reader and editor for your story if you want it to improve. To you it may look flawless, but there will almost always be mistakes. I never thought my grammar was bad, but my editor is always pulling me up on comma-splicing and punctuation
Yours:
Blue is stuff I would insert, and
Red highlights are grammatical mistakes. Here's the flawless copy:
“But I need to see her, she knows me personally!” Spike had demanded. “I am Spike, Twilight Sparkle’s assistant.”
‘Well, ex-assistant...’ Spike thought to himself sadly.
So, hopefully this will help you a bit! Just mail me if you have any further questions, or if you need advice or whatnot. I know this wasn't a great review, but I've never really been much of a critic
WHOOSH!
~Sierra, TWE Admin.
I see a few grammatical errors, but all in all, this chapter one is great. Let me get this straight, Applejack is suppose to the element of honesty, but she didn't even take the time to even listen to Spike speak, just didn't want to hear him. Then RD the element of loyalty not wanting to do anything with him, Rarity the element of generosity telling him to never come back, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie never wanting to be around him, and here is the kicker, the one who hatched him with oh so "powerful" magic Twilight, his best and oldest friend, like a sister or mother to him told him to leave and didn't want to listen to him?! I love how Chapter One sets this all up. I am so mad and disappointed in the Mane Six, just in this fic though, not in the show. Awesome start to a very deep and raw fanfic. :)
What was Spike exiled for? Especially if he was still there after his little greed-episode. Probably something mundane.
5603207
Eating the royal cupcake?