- Member Since 8th Dec, 2018
- offline last seen Oct 14th, 2020
Kody The Ultimate Brony
Otherwise known as Alastor Deer Daddy~
Kody The Ultimate Brony
Joined 8th Dec, 2018 ·
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- Israel Yabuki · 12k words · 75 13 · 4k views
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Lolll. This short story is kinda written like an RP and lacks a lot of correct punctuation but otherwise not bad for a first clopfic Kody.
Liked and faved.
Oh dear gods! Like.
Woah hahaha nice
Liked and faved!
Will read later thou, to tired right now.
10093294
Okie dokie😁
I don't know what to say, but I like it
Good start on writing. I enjoyed the read.
10093478
Thank you friend
This is an RP, not a proper story. Do some research darling, read others' works that show exactly how a story should be written. I suppose if you were trying to write a screenplay, this might be passable, but otherwise, this could use some work dear. Not a terrible attempt, though
10093583
Thank you for your constructive criticism, I know most people wouldn't be as respectful about it as you so I appreciate it, I'll take this into consideration when/if I write my next story
Oh. Oh my.
This is more a screenplay than a story, but I like it. Well done for putting your work out there, which I haven't done because I'm a wuss.
Faved. :)
As other have said, this is written more like a generic screenplay than an actual story. It fits the definition of Ikea Erotica: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IKEAErotica
It's written entirely in a functional manner, rattling off several porn clichés without much connection. I recommend looking up the story "A Roll in the Hay" by Gentleman Ponyographer, as that story does the same concept in a way that shows chemistry between the characters, and gives them more dynamic personalities beyond generic dialogue.
Unless you are, in fact, a semi-advanced A.I writing this, in which case I'll say: hello fellow real human! :P
10094333
My apologies, I know it sucks, I don't write much, and this is my first real story, I'm sorry for wasting your time
10094338
Nah, it's not a waste of time. I apologize if I sounded a bit harsh. It's a serviceable story, just generic. The best thing you can do as a writer, learning wise, is to read more stories and try and understand what they did well. Check out the fic I mentioned, and how the foreplay builds up to the sex itself. It's straight and too the point, but it still makes the characters interesting through their dynamic dialogue :).
10094348
that makes me feel a lot better and more confident in myself, I do want to write better and I honestly don't want to waste anyone's time, thank you so very much for your constructive criticism and I truly hope I can do better in the future
A nice short clopfic. It does read like a roleplay, but nevertheless great first story!
10102622
thank you muffin!!!
Bravo bravo love the story but it does need some more bajazz more hmm dialogue before the sex scene little bit more personality in screen play
Israel Yabuki look him up he's a great reader read one of his story's u might see what I mean but it was a still a good first story keep it up 😊👍
I'm hoping it wasn't sounding too rude
Sorry it took me so long to notice, you wrote a story.
Cute for a first story, does read sort of like a Rp.
But still a fun romp.
10109943
Thank you so much!
10109944
hmm, this is pretty good for a first story thought everyone has already said the issues it has. it's still good, short and sweet
And then they had a threesome.
Not bad for your first clop fic, it's honestly better than mine..
10192748
Lol, thanks
nice work
10207046
thank you
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Actually does manage to have some good descriptive phrases in there, but they're swamped in a rushed and choppy mess.
-Frequent lack of puntuation.
-Very dialog-dominated beginning.
-Quite poor grammar, especially when it comes to dialog punctuation.
-Predictable, rushed, overly straightforward sex scene.
-Very little buildup, rushed payoff.
-The last line was cute, though.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 30/100
Allure: 10/100
Enticement: 15/100
Immersion: 20/100
Prose Quality: 12/100
Total Score: 87/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
Please check out my the super Scottish palidin and please comenat on it
Hopefully, the other person you had this RP with wasn't a minor.