A team of deputy marshals execute a raid in the desert. A short one-shot throwaway noir-style piece I wrote to get over some creative difficulties. Has guns and violence.
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- Member Since 17th Jun, 2017
- offline last seen 7 minutes ago
The Red Parade
Cars are still parked outside. If the rapture had happened, why was it unrecognizable? Why was the sky blue? Why did no one tell me? Do these things not announce themselves?
The Red Parade
Joined 17th Jun, 2017 ·
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Great work on this.
10082063
Hey, thanks!
10082111
You're welcome.
Good stuff! I can see that this was just a prototype for some of the ideas you mentioned to me previously, but for a one-shot story, you did a great job! I particularly enjoyed how you managed to introduce everyone and give us enough of an idea of their roles without bringing in too much effort.
A couple things did strike me. For one thing, you called it a "handgun." Ponies don't have hands, and you had me wondering if this was an anthro story for a second.
Second, while I know about Strongheart's rifle from your PMs, others might not, so if you were going to put this into a full story, I think a bit of exposition on that part might help.
All in all, though, I really enjoyed this!
10095362
Thanks!
Did I? Huh, definitely a mistake on my part, although I have reached some rather interesting dilemmas with words like 'marksmanship' 'personnel' and 'shaman' (who isn't a shapony because they're a buffalo), so it'll be... interesting to see how it works out.
Agree on more exposition on Strongheart's rifle. As you already know this piece was experimental so I didn't have many details locked in when I first wrote it. I'll go back and add the extra parts.
Thanks again!