• Published 12th Feb 2020
  • 2,049 Views, 61 Comments

I Love You. I Hate You. I Want To Be You. - CheerDaLee

Chrysalis looks at her phone and feels something.

  • ...

I Love You. I Hate You. I Want To Be You.

Chrysalis stared up at her phone. She didn't feel anything. That was the norm for her. She'd wake up, go about her job from home, stare at her phone and then sleep. A daily ritual with no emotion. Her dark apartment matched her mood as she thumbed through her feed. Dozens of ponies with wide smiles, sunlit backdrops and lives better than any day she'd ever had.

Well... to say she felt absolutely no emotion was perhaps a lie. There was one thing that made her feel. There was one that had caught her eyes a long time ago. Before she was getting thousands of likes a post. A beautiful mare by the screen name of "Candenza". Every photo was filled with the most pure version of what everyone else pretended. A genuine smile, always out doing something. The park, the beach, a restaurant.

It all felt so far away to her. Even just going out, ponies knew exactly what she was. What she was capable of. She was required to wear a ring to prove she wasn't turning into anyone. She was avoided, her family, as was the way of changelings, tossed her aside as soon as they could. Romance was so far out of mind that she didn't even begin to know what that might feel like.

What would it be like to be out looking like anyone else? Not worrying that she'd run into the original or that she'd find someone who knew them. To just go out and get smiles in return. To not worry about the police following her around, making sure she didn't steal anything. To have her own friends?

A part of her knew it was pathetic but some part of her mind considered Cadenza her friend. Even though she never once interacted with any of her posts. Never once interacted with her. But looking at her posts, new and old had become a sort of daily habit. She knew each small detail of every post by heart. Her first post years ago, her budding relationship with a Police Officer, her love of his family. Even tutoring his little sister. Though her posts had made it clear that the young girl had little scholastic that Cadenza could teach her.

She felt her phone buzz. A notification. She only had three things she had them turned on for. Texts, her bank app and when Cadenza posts. A quick glance showed that it was the latter. A quick few skilled movements of her fingers and Cadenza's page was reloaded. She looked at the most recent one. She was engaged. Chrysalis didn't usually feel anything but... now she did. Now she felt... something. She was... angry. Why was she angry? She should be happy for her. She was happy. You're happy for friends right?

Her finger hovered for a moment before tapping the formerly white heart, now turned red. She didn't feel any different. She was still angry. Was it really anger? Why was she even angry? Why did she feel anything while looking at her pictures? Friendship with someone who didn't know you existed. Did she even really feel that? Or did she just convince herself she did so that she didn't feel so lonely?

She sluggishly got up from her bed and walked into the bathroom, phone in hand. She stared at herself in the mirror. The bags under her eyes, her naturally drooping ears, tattered wings and long greasy hair. She looked like shit, even for a changeling and that was saying a lot. No wonder ponies thought she was a criminal or something.

She looked through the pictures again. She stopped on one with the caption "New day, new me!" and stared at it for longer than she cared to keep track of before she raised her hand in the peace pose.

In the next moment a ring of green flames wrapped around her head and traveled down to her feet. She looked at herself. Perky ears, bright, wide eyes, wide beautiful wings and soft bouncy hair.

But there was no light in her eyes. She was a changeling. She could copy the forms of ponies she knew with nigh perfection but she couldn't copy things that weren't physical. The lack of life in her own eyes was reflected in that of her current form. It didn't look natural at all for her.

Chrysalis didn't have any of the things that Cadenza did. The family, friends or lover. The things that gave other ponies lives meaning. What did Chrysalis have? A dark, dank apartment and a job that paid barely enough?

The ring of flames returned as once again the black skinned changeling was standing. She dropped her hand and set her phone down. She could feel... something from deep inside. It was bubbling up and finally she spoke her first words all day.

Well it wasn't really words. She screamed and grabbed at whatever she could reach. Tearing down her shower curtain, stomping through her toilet seat. She breathed heavily and stared at her reflection before another scream escaped her throat as she slammed her forehead into it.

She hated this. She hated everything. Life wasn't supposed to be this. Why was she cast aside, hated for what she was. She growled to herself as she stared at her phone once again, picking it up and ignoring the blood that was falling from her face. She tossed the phone towards, somewhere. She heard it crack and fall against the ground but it didn't matter.

She wasn't going to keep living this way. To Tartarus with everyone and what they thought. Who were they to decide where she was allowed to be at what hours. She was going to live. As free and open as everyone else! To feel something other than anger and hate. To finally enjoy life. Even if it was someone else's.

She grabbed her jacket and threw it on as she stomped her way out of her apartment, not even bothering to close the door. It didn't matter. If this failed then there was no future anyway. None that she wanted to live to see at least.

Author's Note:

This was inspired by the album art. I couldn't help myself the moment I saw it.

The source is this. Their stuff is amazing.

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