• Member Since 26th Apr, 2016
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Foal Star


Im like a Baby Discord with a crazy imagination

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Fluttershy was having a lovely morning on her birthday with many plans. Discord had a mysterious surprise for her and Pinkie Pie, of course, will throw a huge party later. But before all of that, she decides to indulge in little fantasy of hers. Fluttershy straps herself in a diaper and goes out to do some birdwatching in her pampers not knowing a stork is about to give her a day to be a foal.

I made this as a birthday present for my best friend Zubric

Cover artist: Bunnykisses

Editor: Superpinkbrony12

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 6 )

It's a good thing Discord isn't with Fluttershy just yet, because otherwise a certain spirit of chaos would be sleeping on the couch after all this was over. :pinkiecrazy:

But before all of that, she decides to indulge in little faantasy of her's.

It's hers. Was misspelling fantasy intentional?

OK. From what I have read so far, the story seems to be struggling. Rather then just downvoting and running off, I'm going to give some advice on what I personally think could be improved upon. Feel free to ignore this if you want.

The biggest thing this story struggles with is telling, not showing. I don't feel connected to the story at all. With how quickly you are moving through things, you aren't giving yourself enough room to build your ideas. I'll give an example from the story, highlighting the descriptive words and adding notes and then how I would write them to show and not tell. Bare in mind, this is just me personally:
1 Fluttershy woke up one earlymorning and yawned as she slowly stretched her hooves. She looked outside with Celestia raising the sun on this cheerful spring morning. Then she got up and scooped her bunny, Angel, squeezing him into a big hug. "Guess what day it is!"
1 Rewritten. Fluttershy's eyes were disturbed by a few weak beams of sunlight coming in through the window, the early morning sun waking her from a deep slumber. Her hooves stretched out, releasing the built up tension. Outside, birds were cheerfully singing, already starting to work on preparations for the coming summer.

The light yellow Pegasus forced herself from the confines of her bed, wrapping a hoof tight around her pure white bunny, bringing him into a crushingly tight hug.
"Guess what day it is, Angel!"

See how I managed to more then triple the amount of descriptive words I got to use by showing instead of telling? I'm not suggesting it's perfect, but the more description I cram in, the more chances I have to not suck. Your writing could benefit a lot from this! I know it seems scary, but give it a try and I'm sure you'll become an amazing writer even faster then you already are.

Sorry if I came off as an asshole.

10080684
Yeah you have a point. Thanks for the input but to be honest I think that sometimes these lessons allude me for a while before I grasp the concept. Im a slow leraner but I learn over time.

This is absolutely adorable! Discord would be the master of knowing which dimension would have storks genuinely bring foals into the world for parents. So working with this dimension's denizens to have his way for Fluttershy's birthday is quite sweet.

I like the variety of birds involved in the process. The flamingos were a delightful pair.

Something tells me that Discord's true plan is to make Fluttershy into the 'big sister' for Rainbow Dash. Kind of like what he did to RD to make Fluttershy a hero through the Winter Chilla. In this case, being older, Flutters will be the one to keep an eye on Dash to keep her safe instead of Dash tending to be the one to aid Flutters.

This story was wonderful ^^

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