• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen Apr 20th, 2020

Jonny Manz


Someday, I will be a somebody, but for now, I will be a nobody.

T
Source

It all happened so long ago... we were young, different, dumb then. Besides, I've moved on from that part of my life.


Loneliness is a scary thing. It can gnaw away at the back of your mind, with your instinct being to try to push it down, when you can't figure out how to deal with it. Just ask Gallus how he knows that. He has foresworn relationships, after being unable to sustain them, instead focusing on his duties as Equestria's Royal Guard Captain. He has accomplished so much and yet... there's still that emptiness, gnawing at the edge of his mind.


Meanwhile, Silverstream is more sure than ever that it was a horrible mistake - her and Gallus breaking up. Can she win back the one for her? Will succeed in opening Gallus's eyes to the truth?

As scary as it can be to look for a part of yourself that you feel is gone forever, broken beyond repair, is it ever truly gone if you gather the courage to cast your eyes upon it?


Inspired by the short animation Gallus's Gift by TheAnonymator. Cover art is stills taken from the animation.


Written for The Discovery - A Young Six Writing Contest.


Despite the "Sex" tag, there is nothing explicit contained within. The tag is merely there for strongly implied sexual conduct.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 11 )

“Hm, you know how, way back when, those stars just happened to break Nightmare Moon free from her 1,000-year moon imprisonment?” Twilight responded.

Twilight cut him off. “Well, remember how, at that point, the whole sky – the sun, moon, and stars, were under the control of one Princess Celestia?”

“It was something Princess Celestia told me. One of her powers was foresight – the ability to read situations, see how they will play out in the future. Well, see how they’re supposed to play out. That came right away – what she developed later was a sense for when things could be trusted to play out on their own, and when they needed a little nudge in the right direction,” Twilight finished with a wink. “When I looked into Silverstream’s eyes, that was when I knew for sure that the time was right.”

That would explain a lot

Alrighty
You got me hooked. Good start.

This was deep bro. That monologue on that Glenda griffin & when they were remembering the moments they had together. A very deep and emotional chapter.

These two are very articulate

This was a cute story. Well done.

Alright, replying to comments which I really should have done a while ago

10077479
Yeah, right around the time this was written, Faust essentially confirmed that it was Celestia moving the stars like that to free Nightmare Moon.

10077534
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed your trip through the story!

10078216
Thank you for both your comments! Yeah, that was by far both the easiest and most satisfying part of the story to write.

10083825
I certainly hope that's meant in a good way (and looking at your followup, I'm going to guess it was - either way, thank you very much!)

10099080
Indeed - I figured it would make sense, what with Silverstream sticking around and becoming a professor (I feel like, being around academia, even academia of a specialized sort, will inevitably expand your vocabulary and vernacular), and Gallus - well, like I say in the story, Twilight appears to be rubbing off on him. :twilightsmile:

Hi! You asked for a review to go with your submission, and as one of the judges for the contest, I'm here to give you one!

So I like that first flashback/dream that you open up with. The way that Gallus and Silverstream are very clearly lying to each other hurts in the best way. I would have really loved to know more about why Gallus was breaking up with her, though. I understand that it was because they didn't have enough time together, but the way that Gallus talked about it didn't really give me the impression that he was unhappy enough to be doing this.

You overexplain things at certain points—this might be something that you want to watch out for in the future. For example,

Every time he thought of his achievements, there was a part of him, that just felt so empty. He knew he had friends – they were almost like family to him - and a great boss in Princess Twilight, but there was that part of him, always gnawing away at the edge of his consciousness, that was… lonely. It was a specific kind of loneliness, as it was nowhere near as severe as the loneliness he felt throughout his early years, but it ate away at his heart all the same. He tried to push it out of his mind, to tamp it down in some dark recess, but it always seemed to find a way to come to the fore.

The first two sentences here are enough to get the point. It's always better to be efficient with that sort of thing and move on to the next interesting beat instead of lingering on the idea that Gallus is lonely for too long.

Great, now he was thinking about exactly what he hadn’t wanted to. Well, hopefully she had found some creature to settle down with, someone deserving of her.

There would be a lot more emotional impact if it the reason for Gallus and Silverstream's breakup were either more intense or just more clear. The way that I see it, A) we don't get to see the good times where they were happy as a couple other than that kiss before Gallus leaves for the guard, so we don't have a good idea of what the two have lost and B) because they seemed to have broken up amicably, so there isn't a particular reason (past awkwardness) that they can't get back together amicably. The emotional stakes here aren't very high, and because of that it doesn't feel very surprising when Gallus and Silverstream end up together in the end. It's a comfy story for sure, but the catharsis that you were going for with the third chapter doesn't hit very hard when the ending is already so telegraphed.

It is interesting that they have different memories of why exactly they broke up, but in both it doesn't feel like they broke up for much reason. If they really loved each other, wouldn't it be exactly in both of their characters to try and make long distance work? Did they try at all? If they didn't know that they loved each other and figured that it would be the logical decision to make, I feel like I'm not getting enough of that, because it seems like they had really strong feelings either way and did not want to be doing this.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret taking this teaching job for a second, and I really hope Gallus doesn’t regret his position in the guard, but I do wish it could have worked out for us. It was... it was just too much of a strain, being apart so much of the time.”

Here would have been a perfect place to either flashback or have Silver monologue a little bit—as a reader, I only have her word to go on that being apart was a strain, but if I had been shown here or earlier just how much of a strain it was, then my heart would be breaking a whole lot more.

Long distance sucks. I think this story could have been a lot tighter and heartwarming if we had been shown just how much it sucked for them being apart.

So this is definitely a nice story—you execute on what's promised in the cover art—and there are cute parts to this, but in the end a lot of the drama doesn't feel very dramatic and that's what prevented the emotional arc in this story from really feeling like the characters' past decisions had terrible consequences.

Don't get me wrong though, that third chapter is cute. There's a little bit too much exposition for my liking, but having the two of them fondly reminisce on their past while sitting inside the box is a cute thing. I can totally see where you're coming from with Gallus's revelation towards the end as well—I can feel my heart soaring as I read his dialogue and when they embrace, it feels great.

I'm glad you entered this contest, because I enjoyed myself reading this. Thanks for submitting and if you have any questions or anything was unclear or confusing please don't hesitate to PM me. :heart:

Quick question: was Silver's family and Queen Novo at the wedding?

Login or register to comment