• Published 10th Feb 2020
  • 491 Views, 57 Comments

A Goldfish for a Golden Princess - The Half Brony



Princess Celestia gets a goldfish.

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Home With my Goldfish

The way home took longer than the way to the shop for Princess Celestia, for she was trying to be careful with her fish, while the rest of the supplies were in her bags. She was happy and excited to be able to have a creature to spend time with, after she couldn't spend time with her sister anymore. Soon enough, they arrived home. She went to her room, and started talking to her fish.

"Hi, Goldie. You can call me Tia. I would like to tell you some things about myself, so that you don't feel lonely..."

A few hours later, when it was almost nighttime, she was done talking. She watched her fish go round and round, and stopped thinking about her sister. Occasionally, bubbles came out of Goldie's mouth, and Tia thought of what they might of been saying.

"Want to see me rise the moon?"

The fish seemed to nod a tiny bit, and the princess then took her new goldfish outside with her. As she lowered the sun, and raised the moon, she felt calmer than before, and it appeared that Goldie liked being with her as well.

Comments ( 36 )

This was a Great story! I especially like your writing style of splitting the chapters more frequently, instead of writing all the paragraphs in one chapter, it's an interesting concept I don't see very often! Original topic, and great use of words!!!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

This is pretty good for a first story, but I have a few suggestions:

>Invest in an editor, they'll help the language flow better.
>Usually, try to describe things in detail. It not only increases word count, it'll give your readers a better idea of what's going on.
>Finally, all of this could easily have gone into one chapter. Short (as in less than 1000 words) chapters tend to read like picturebooks without pictures. Just use the page break ('hr' in brackets) to show seperation.

I hope you'll take my suggestions! :twilightsheepish:

10079023
dang It! Welp, I have no other guesses now lel.

10079039
Oh. Okay, it's a fan-made song for MLP.

10079054
I see. That's probably why I would never get it. I can't stand parodies

10079062
Oh. Well, because I already follow you...

Should have gone with a turtle, lobster, or specific species of jellyfish; those might live as long as she does.

10079768
Nope, it's gonna live 14 years, then she finds Philomena. :raritywink:

I promised a comment and your getting one.

First of all this was short and sweet and it had Celestia in it and I realy enjoyed that.

However I don't understand why it was broken into multiple chapters. And the ending didn't realy feel like an ending it felt like it just kinda stoped,seriously i was about to read the next chapter but it wasn't there.
Did you enjoy writing this? I encourage you to continue writing if you did. I wouldn't mind a sequel perhaps continuing the story of Celestia and her gold fish or maybe Luna has a pet rock on the moon.....Hmmm yeah I'd read that.
Imma leave a thumbs up. Good luck with the story.

10080481
Yes! I feel really frustrated though, because I like breaking it up, and I have a weird case of writer's block where it's easier to do chapters like this. Alos, spoiler alert, there will be tons of sequels. There is no need for this to be known of as a cliffhanger.

10080620
Don't let that writers block get ya down. I struggle with it all the time.
And try to improve those endings!

10080653
Okay. I tried to make it be like the end of the force awakens. They were just standing there. I couldn't stand it, but I was like come on poeple, let's make more! Yeah, I forgot about those downfalls...

I set my expectations too high.

I'll admit I only read this because of the cover.
But it was worth it. Fantastic!

There’s always that one person who downvotes your god damn story

Always one.

Some people have already given you some good advice, but I think I can still give ya my two cents as well.

Your grammar is fairly solid, but there were still multiple grammar, punctuation and spelling errors sprinkled in here and there. Furthermore, some sentences could have been worded in a far more fluid and logical way.

However, the biggest downside of this story is its execution. You seem to be almost exclusively telling your story through constant exposition, that results in a dire lack of atmosphere. As a reader I want to feel Celestia’s sadness, I want to see her slowly calming herself as she talks to Goldie, and so on. That’s what a story based on emotions needs. Also, be aware that you tend to derail the story’s flow by diverging from the plot and going off on a tangent about something completely else.

Connected to this is your work with the readers’ focus. Why did we get a whole paragraph describing Celestia opening a door, but the essential parts of the pet shop tour and Celestia talking to Goldie were skipped? Always think about what details are important and what aren’t.

So, for your future stories, focus more on your work with the ratio of showing/telling, pacing, atmosphere, and relevance of given details. That should significantly improve your works. Good luck! :raritywink:

10089082
All right thank you. I admit that this truely did have such mistakes go unnoticed.

10089135
You’re welcome, I’m glad I could help a little. Let me know if anything was unclear or if you have any additional questions :twilightsmile:

Story's been reccomended here

10120298
Yes. But not right now. I have not watched the movie. I plan to do so sometime, though.

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