• Member Since 24th Jan, 2020
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Tennisjman


Hello everypony!

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Source

Celestia told Luna that she was going away on a vacation by herself for at least a couple of months. She asks her to watch the castle while she is away, but when Luna is all by herself, she gets really bored. She decides to take a stroll around the city streets. As she trotting along, she see's a human child curled up sobbing in the middle of the street. Curious ,she slowly approaches it and lightly taped it on the shoulder with her hoof to get the boy's attention, but when she sees the boy's face, it only leaves her heartbroken and saddened.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 7 )

Good, I shall help on any mistakes tomorrow.

8 months is a very specific time frame... Celestia isn't having a baby or something, is she?

Ok I'll say some but not to be mean to be honest and help you and maybe make this batter
1. Maybe slow it down a little like add more details and don't go straight to the point all the time take time to add details that make the story better or more exciting
2. You should spaced out the character's lines of win thay take we as the readers know who is taking and in some some cases the some cases the character that have to respond and talkin they can just have a different response as in nodding or giving a thumbs up where other physical expressions
3. Do try to give the kid more character as in more shy and scared and like I said before don't be afraid to add more detail to give them a character but he does not have to be shy from Luna

I did not say this to be mean or anything I just said off my experience thoughts and opinions and what I thought to make the story sound better but a word of advice don't be afraid to take time and don't rush

10087132
Human carry babies for 9 months and horse carry them for 11

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Ok! Thanks for the feedback.

''What?'' he simply asked. Luna then approached him with an aggressive look. ''So I'm guessing that you're leaving as well!'' she shouted. He nodded his head, and rubbing his neck with his hoof, gave her a nervous look on his face. ''Oh yeah, Auntie Luna. I'm also leaving too, I'm going away to Las Pegasus to gamble away my bits and see if I win or not. Hahaha!'' he said, giving her a fake smile and then galloped out of the dining hall.

Good luck! One of my Oc's lives there and so good at Spades. She'll be rich off of you in no time Blueblood!

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